<p>Lately, it seems there are more bumps along the road. Hubby’s best friend’s wife is now being treated for early-onset Alzheimers (I believe she may be in her early 60s). Not surprisingly, it has created stress and friction between the two of them–they have been married for many decades.</p>
<p>Anyone have any suggestions? I told hubby that he should gently broach some respite care and/or adult daycare possibilities with his buddy, so that he can options and not feel too “tied down.” They say that all the wife does is sit around & watch Korean soap operas. She appears to have lost cognitive functioning & can’t figure out what to do next or how to get to places she used to go to regularly. </p>
<p>She had a stress-related early retirement from teaching. I haven’t seen her since New Year’s Eve or so, but hubby sees her & him from time to time. Again, we welcome suggestions and I’ll share them with hubby to pass on.</p>
<p>Definitely contact the Alzheimer’s Association. My MIL had early onset, and they were very helpful with information to pass along to my FIL. The volunteer I initailly called was nice enough to periodically call me to check on how things were going. It is a very difficult disease, so your friend will need all the support & respite that he can get.</p>
<p>My mother had early-onset Alzheimer’s, and I was her primary caregiver for several years when I was in my early 20s (my dad was seriously ill at the time, so I was caring for him too). A resounding second to the Alzheimer’s Association idea, and I also consider “The 36-Hour Day” a must read.</p>
<p>The two things I remember most clearly from my days as caregiver was learning to ask myself, “Whose problem is this?” when dealing with some of the more “eccentric” behaviors, and implementing a routine that limited my mom’s need to make decisions/choices (which confused and agitated her). As my father’s health improved, we also made sure that I had a night off each week, so I could recharge.</p>
<p>My mom had symptoms of dementia, and my dad had a really hard time accepting them as real. He kept yelling at her in hopes of getting her to somehow snap out of it. He loved her dearly, but he was not nice to her at all (he didn’t mean to be so mean …). I tried hard to get him to get respite care, to move closer to us kids, or to even put her in a home if need be (thinking that while it would make her mad, at least their lives might become more civil & loving as a result). She passed away about a year after she started showing symptoms, and I wish so much that my dad had accepted help. I think it would have made things so much better for both of them. My biggest suggestion is to get the husband to get help. He will say he is okay, but there is a 99.999% chance that he is NOT okay.</p>
<p>Definitely contact the Alzheimer’s Association and maybe the local agency on aging as well. It’s sad, but he has to start planning for the time when he will be unable to care for her. My aunt’s husband had AD (not early onset) and he became violent towards her as the disease progressed, so she had no alternative but to put him in a home. </p>
<p>He needs to get support… he cannot take care of her unless he takes care of himself. Somewhere I read that half of family caregivers suffer from depression.</p>
<p>My MIL had memory problems for as long as I have known her. I wonder how much was age, initially. Everyone covered for her for too many years to count.</p>
<p>In the last several years, she is in the mid-stage of Alzheimer’s. It’s hard - she doesn’t remember who her kids or grandkids are. </p>
<p>We live too far away to see her often, which makes it worse. My FIL doesn’t want help with her, either…he is in serious denial. </p>
<p>It’s really much tougher on caretakers than on the person with Alzheimers, I think.</p>
<p>Husbands in general want to ‘fix’ things. He can’t fix this which makes him frustrated…and feeling helpless. It’s scary. He can help her with some very real coping skills to help with the cognition. Help set the house up in a very orderly way. A place for everything. Keys always go in one place. Cell phones always in one place. Things will get lost often. This is frustrating. Help calm, not add to the confusion. Online usernames and passwords will be forgotten. They need to be printed and posted somewhere she can see them. She is watching tv because everything else is confusing now. The attention for reading is gone. Leaving the house is scary. A GPS may encourage her to venture a bit without the fear of getting lost. A smartphone is invaluable. iPhones are great. The calendar means cards for appts don’t get lost. Phone numbers are programed in. In the event that she becomes lost a family member can ‘ping’ her phone and locate her. There are dozens of apps to help with organization and unlike paper lists, don’t get lost.
These are just a few thoughts. I agree, he needs to have someone to talk to. To feel free to say “This is unfair! It stinks. Why me?” without feeling like a terrible husband. If he holds onto these feelings he will certainly feel resentment as opposed to acceptance.</p>
<p>So sorry to hear about your husband’s best friend’s wife (HBFW). Lots of good advice given so far. The only thing I want to add is a line told to my Dad, sister, and me (my Mom has Alzheimers) … “the goal is not for you to provide the best care for your Mom but to ensure she receives the best care”. My Dad resisted help for far too long and it was not good for either my Mom or my Dad. This has been a tough situation since they are adults and no one can force decisions on them … and sometimes will make decisions that everyone else does not agree with. How can you help? A combination of being supportive friend and also being a good enough friend to share the truth when they can not see it … what does this mean?</p>
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<li><p>Make sure HBF gets some breaks from taking care of HBFW … either taking HBFW out or staying with her while he heads out (and as she progresses maybe just stay home with them so he can do anything other than have minute by minute responsibility for HBFW 24x7)</p></li>
<li><p>Help HBF investigate options that will become necessary eventually … help him check out in-home care … 9-5 daycare type places … and dimentia assited living centers. For my Dad my sister and I did the first visit so he only saw the good options and covered Mom while he went and visited the options … he was resisting getting help so we started early so he had some time to become OK with the options and OK getting help.</p></li>
<li><p>Watch her driving … I will forever consider myself lucky because I let my Mom drive too long … this is the one area where the disease is a serious risk to others … and where sharing info not necessarily wanted may be the right thing to do. (In hindsight … I shared my thoughts but didn’t make any headway; I should have proactively contacted the registery)</p></li>
<li><p>Be there for you HBF to share frustrations and anxieties.</p></li>
<li><p>I’d suggest reading up on the disease … while there are many common symptoms for each person it affects them differently … and understanding the disease hopefully will make understanding the situations that develop easier.</p></li>
<li><p>Finally, this is a terrible disease and the disease will win … and this is going to be a very tough road for your HBF. Support and decisions in this situation should be made with his welfare in mind almost as much as for HBFW … spouses often try to provide care 24x7 and this ultimately is a terrible outcome for both the patient and caretaker. (Now that my Mom is in assisted living my parents ismuch more like dating then the stressful situation when my Dad was caregiver) (and 24x7 can really mean 24x7 … like many Alzheimers patients my Mom lost track of time and was a wanderer … which meant she would wake up at 2:00 in the morning and stroll out of the house … so my Dad for over a year slept like we did with a new born; waking at every sound or any prolinged silence … just not a situation a elderly person should have to manage)</p></li>
</ul>
<p>My grandmother would give in and give my grandfather the keys, so we disabled the car and my grandmother started using a driving service. It was expensive but if he had killed someone, we could not live with it.</p>