I am really struggling. We found out yesterday that our aunt committed suicide. 6 yrs ago when her Dh passed away suddenly, she also tried to kill herself. During her recovery, our then 7 yr old Dd started calling her every day. Over the past 6 yrs, she basically adopted her great-aunt and became like a Dd to her. (She had no children of her own.)
Our aunt had been dating someone the past couple of yrs and they recently decided to go different ways. Dd started to reach out to her even more and she was supposed to come here and spend a couple of weeks at Christmas with our family.
Dh’s parents do not want us telling our kids she committed suicide. They are not planning any sort of memorial service bc she had requested there’s not be one.
Our Dd is totally devastated that her aunt is dead, but she is also 13 and asking a lot of questions that I don’t know how to answer. Dh is afraid if she did know that her beloved aunt committed suicide that she would feel guilt in not being able to prevent it. I hate being in this position of avoiding the truth. I am torn apart by her death but am angry at her at the same time.
I’m not sure if avoiding the truth with her is right or not. We are telling our adult children the truth, regardless of dh’s parents wishes. But, I am not sure about the 13 yr old bc she is so invested in her aunt’s life and emotional struggles.
Any insight? We have never experienced anyone committing suicide before. We are emotionally a wreck and not thinking clearly ourselves.
I’m very sorry for your loss. If it were me, I’d definitely tell your D the truth. I’d also do some research on suicide. I imagine there are lots of books that help loved ones cope with a suicide in the family. Mental health issues are very tricky, and most people try to hide them. I’d talk to your D about that as well so she understands this is in no way her fault. I’m sorry you have to go through this.
I’m so very very sorry for your loss. Heartbreaking and at holiday time too :(.
I have to say that if some of the family are going to know the truth, it is a big risk to not be honest with your 13 year old. IMO, I think it’s best she hears from you and not rumors down the road because you can manage the message better and provide her with the support she will need…
I don’t have any experience in talking to kids about suicide but there are resources out there. I would reach out to your nearest hospice bereavement center. They provide support for the community at large and may have suggestions/resources to guide you in this very difficult conversation. The pediatrician may also be able to direct you.
Personally I would try to focus the conversation on the actual loss, acknowledging the pain of grief, and talking about healthy mourning. I would also find a way for you and your daughter to say goodbye. Sometimes not having a service can make it difficult to have closure. You can have your own remembrance celebration in your own home with pictures, sharing happy memories, even writing letters and burning them so the ashes get to heaven. In the spring, you can plant something in her memory, etc…
All I would say about the suicide part is that depression is an illness, like cancer. It can recur unexpectedly. Sometimes intervention is in time, sometimes it’s not. It’s no one’s fault. I hope you know that in your heart too!
Big hugs and cyber prayers for you and your family.
So sorry for your loss, so tragic. I would not hesitate to tell my 13 yo about one of her very close relatives, especially since she is and has been aware of the past and has put herself forward to provide care and love to her. Kids are resilient, much more so than we give them credit for.
Dh’s parents are way out of line. These are your kids and you need to handle it the way you decide, not them.
I’m very sorry for your loss. Have you thought about seeking professional help for your daughter? That’s not an indictment on you as parents, but rather an opportunity to have her speak with someone who is well versed in how to address these situations. You shouldn’t have to do this alone. There’s no shame in looking for help from someone who is better prepared to have an ongoing conversation with your daughter. She will find out eventually about the suicide so the last thing you want to do is avoid it. IMHO - tell her and then let her know you’ll be going to family counseling, or at least a support group of some sort (of which there are plenty - sadly but thankfully).
This is such a difficult situation to live through and to explain.
Your DH’s parents may be asking to “not tell” because this is their way of dealing with it now. We can’t make other people deal with tragedy in a certain way - both ways - them and you.
I think if I were you I would focus not on the word “suicide” which is so distressing - but on her mental health issues and will to not live. Answer the questions you can, and admit to not knowing the answers to questions you can’t answer. This is a teachable moment in so many ways that adults don’t have all the answers.
If it was me I would tell my D also that her grandparents prefer that what happened (or how it happened) not be broadcast. I think it’s ok to honor that especially so soon. Maybe your D can put some of her compassion into supporting her grandparents now too.
My kids lost their uncle (my brother) to suicide when the kids were 10 and 16. He had lived with our family the year before it happened, so they were close. He was also VERY close with my nephew, who was 12 at the time. My parents also wanted to keep it hushed up.
As mentioned above, we talked about how just like someone’s heart or lungs can be affected by illness, the brain is no different than any other organ. We focused on the good times we had. We cried together, and supported each other.
Your D will find out eventually somehow. And likely she will be mad at not being told the truth.
I don’t have any experience of this, so feel free to disregard. I’m sorry your husband’s parents don’t want the truth to be told, but I do think you must consider your child first. If your 13 year old is asking questions, I would answer them honestly, but I like @intparent 's suggestion of explaining that the brain is an organ and your aunt had an illness. You could say something like “Auntie had an illness in her brain, which eventually killed her.” It’s the truth. If your daughter asks more questions, you can say your aunt was mentally ill and had depression. You probably don’t need to specifically say that she took her own life. At some point, your daughter will figure that out, but I am thinking you don’t need to say the exact words.
Words affect people in different ways. Even in death people choose words in different ways. “She died.” “She passed away.” “She’s dead”. “She is no longer with us”. “She passed.” They all mean the same thing but choice of words can help with dealing with the grief - you may use different words at different times.
“Died” for some reason is more soothing to me than “Dead”.
You know your daughter. Use your best parent radar to determine how, when, how much info to share - do what is right for your family, within your family.
I can’t begin to imagine how difficult this is @Mom2aphysicsgeek – not only the loss of a loved one, but the additional sadness associated with death by suicide. We have family that deal with depression – simply, it is hard.
If I were to share with my DD, I probably would give NAMI (or other mental health org) a call to see if there are specific words that explain/clarify and don’t frighten, check for resources how to speak to younger ones, etc. Just a thought.
May I just tell you that I’m amazed at your daughter’s compassion and kindness? Give yourself a hug – well done.
In our area there is an organization called the Center for Grieving Children that does great work.
I completely agree that honesty is the best policy. I’m sure there is help out there about how to talk to kids about mental illness and suicide. Try contacting your local branch of NAMI, for example.
You can have a private memorial service with your D and other loved ones who want to participate at your house. You don’t need clergy or formality. Maybe just a photo, a bunch of flowers, a candle, and a circle of remembrance.
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. The American Pyschological Association has some general suggestions for coping with the suicide of a loved one and talking to children about the death. See the link below. www.apa.org/helpcenter/suicide-coping-tips.pdf
I do a lot of work with suicide prevention. I would definitely be honest with it her. Kids aren’t stupid and she will find out and be more hurt when she does. Try to focus on the fact that she loved your daughter so much and how much your daughter was there for her. But like cancer, mental illness cannot always be cured. It is an illness. Her death is no one’s fault. She did not die by suicide because she was weak, she actually stayed alive for so long because she was so strong. Please try not to be angry with your aunt. She did not choose this. And please consider counseling for your daughter. The suicide rate for loved ones and friends goes up substantially for the first 6 months after a suicide. If they were that close, your daughter will need help getting through this and although i’m sure you probably feel you can handle it, you are also working through your own grief and anger.
So sorry for your loss. I lost my sister to suicide so I can understand. My mother lied to everyone and as a young person that made me furious! I felt my parent were hypocritical always telling me to tell the truth and then lying to people that we love. Please tell your daughter the truth, even if it hurts. It can cause more problems if you don’t. It can also open her eyes to suicide more. Who knows she may be able to help a friend. My daughter has a mental illness and has attempted suicide. My son learned at an early age all about what it means and learned to help. My daughter can now help others when she sees signs. Even if you couldn’t help one person does not mean you couldn’t help someone else. At 13 I can guarantee it has been talked about at school. She will be able to handle it. It may be hard and as people have said there are organizations that can help with resources. Good luck.
OP I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this at all, and I am sorry for the loss of someone you care about.
In my very humble opinion, it is imperative to share the truth with your young dd, especially if others know the truth…you definitely don’t want her hearing from some other source. She is old enough to know, without every detail.
Suicide is a terrible thing, my own family has experienced it, and from the time my own dd was a toddler we used the term ‘suicide’ rather than skirting around it. For me, and my family, it’s like sex-ed, you provide the correct terminology and information based on the listeners age, and keep the conversation active forever. I would contact a suicide hotline to find local resources for your dd IF she the needs support. I would work through the anger and grief together.