@compmom how painful and tragic. I’m glad that you are healing from the trauma of your loss. Thank you for sharing
I know you mean well, but please educate yourself. Depression is a disease, not a choice.
Clinical depression is a brain-based disease that runs in families. Medication, with or without therapy, can do wonders.
Psychiatry tells us that if such depression is untreated, episodes will occur more frequently, last longer, and be more serious. In other words, there is “kindling” just as there is with epilepsy.
Parent-blaming went out a long time ago, though many parents stilll blame themselves in the most painful way. Parents need support to get past that misguided guilt.
@eb23282 : As you pointed out, I honestly don’t have much knowledge on depression. In my role as a parent, I can only do my best to prevent my kid from developing this kind of problem. I watch the CBS videos a couple times and I feel that Alexandra’s parents at least missed one thing – usually kids who are good at STEM won’t scribble, usually their notes are neat. She is a robotics whiz. Something is inconsistent. Her father said “she is highly motivated achiever. That is how she felt inside”. Such a sharp and confusing contrast. The reality is exactly the opposite. I don’t have any intention to blame her parents. When I read stories like this, I immediately ask myself “what lesson can you learn from this?”. I know depression is a disease but some cases are “developed”, not all cases are inherited (born with it). What we can do is to prevent kids from developing the problem. The devil is always in the details. Here, the details is hidden in mundane daily life.
If a person’s happiness is dependent on outside events, the person’s life is like riding a roller coaster. In Japanese, there are two words for happiness – Ureshii (うれしい) and Shiawase (しあわせ). Both mean happiness. “Shiawase” gives more of a feeling of life-long happiness and is deeper than “Ureshii” which can be used for temporary happiness. Examples: Shiawase is used for someone being happy in a marriage, and Ureshii is used for being happy after receiving a gift. If someone can genuinely feel “Shiawase” from the little things in daily life, the person is far from mental health problem. (Have a bowl of “Shiawase Ramen” might be helpful – https://suggestionofmotion.com/blog/japan-osaka-shiawase-ramen/)
Alexandra definitely does not have “Shiawase”. Her parents are “Ureshii” because of what she has accomplished. Alexandra might not want to do all those things which her parents feel “Ureshii” for a long time.
Instead of finding a notebook, I will forever be grateful that the words “I’m afraid I may harm myself” were whispered to me, that the words “I have no hope” weren’t found scribbled on a page but were shared. My heart breaks for this family.
@nrtlax33 – I understand what you’re saying, but I’m afraid it’s thinking like this that makes me less likely to ever share our story and perpetuates the stigma. It makes one wonder how exactly to answer the online job application question “do you have a disability?” with depression being one option when some just think “happiness is dependent on outside events”. I often ask my parents when they say something particularly inaccurate/misinformed if they would say those words to someone with battling leukemia, cancer, etc. Bottom line: No family is immune.
It is so important to have a strong support system. I was speaking with a friend who’s daughter is being treated for bone cancer and is in tremendous pain. She shared that her husband battles depression, is so afraid of “going dark” during this difficult time. I can’t imagine that additional layer of stress for this gentleman as he hopes he can be there for his daughter.
My daughter sent me this link – it’s beautiful what this husband did, but also relates poignantly what many know first-hand and battle all. the. time. https://www.scarymommy.com/beautiful-thing-husband-did-depression/
@pilot2012 : I am with you. I am always grateful when I see someone who is trying to help others by sharing their stories. Most people might not know this is a very serious, widespread problem. Thank you very much for sharing the link your daughter sent you.
nrlax33 you cannot prevent depression with good parenting or by paying close attention or any of the other things you might think. Your posts just add to the blame and guilt suffered by family members of those with depression or who have killed themselves. People are being gentle with you here.
I’ve said this before, but I’m going to keep saying it because I think it’s important: mental illness is a family problem. This doesn’t mean the parents caused it or that their genes were somehow flawed. It means that when one person in the family suffers from a mental illness, everyone suffers. Therefore, the entire household needs to be in therapy.
There are familial expectations and patterns of relating that can be helpful to a person with a mental illness, and there are other patterns and expectations that can hurt. These must be sorted out in therapy.
“Instead of finding a notebook, I will forever be grateful that the words “I’m afraid I may harm myself” were whispered to me, that the words “I have no hope” weren’t found scribbled on a page but were shared.”
Amen to that. And if anyone ever tells you that they are worried about a loved one (kid or adult), pay attention. Don’t make excuses to blind yourself to someone else’s concern. Kids are masters at covering their feelings up at home sometimes but not so much to others.
I think sharing stories is the best education and so important.
I do believe in some cases you can prevent tragedies from happening. At the minimum, you can lower the risks.
Please read my old posts.
http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/discussion/comment/21709483/#Comment_21709483
http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/discussion/comment/21713344/#Comment_21713344
After reading https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/26/nyregion/at-yale-class-on-happiness-draws-huge-crowd-laurie-santos.html , I only focus on this
I have done serious research on Brown. Obviously Brown’s problems are not as bad. (one mistaken as Boston bomber, two Koreans, please let me know if you find any other cases)
You see a disproportionately high number of students in some schools seeking mental helps. Students and their parents must understand their risks before committing to a school. Unfortunately, some people are obsessed with the perceived school rankings. They plant the seeds for future mental problems.
If you head to premed threads, you will read many posts from kids who are failing and says they are “depressed”. They have no clue if they have chosen another school, they might not be that depressed (they might be able to get “As” there). It is their choice. There are consequences for mistakes.
What?
nrtlaz33 don’t know if you are projecting, but most parents of kids with clinical depression are not focused on rankings. The priority, frankly, is survival. You seem a little stuck on a certain theme, as evidenced by your other threads. Not sure why, but I don’t think your theme relates to many suffering from true depression. Unhappiness and depression are different animals.
Just went back to reread Alexandra’s journal @MaineLonghorn. An agonizing and compelling read that I’m reminded to think of her family (and others like you/your family on this thread).
@Massmom – agree. It is a “new normal”: that singing in the shower doesn’t mean all is well, knowing it’s okay to stop mid-discussion and come back later, focusing on today (or that minute) rather than (anything longer, etc.)
@nrtlax33 – we will agree that it is important to be aware, but also disagree. There is an ascription/attribution of cause/choice in some of your statements.
Just a personal opinion – I so wish when I say “we’re working through some health issues,” the inquirer would say "I’m so sorry to hear that. We don’t have to talk – I get it – but if you want to share further, I care (and then zip the lips and practice active listening skills). I know most people mean well …
A local woman has disappeared - it’s made the national news. She had an emergency medical evaluation the day it happened but was deemed not to be a threat to herself or others. I have a bad feeling about it. 
She is a close friend to one of my friends.
Something similar happened in my community, the person was found after 1 (or was it 2?) weeks, and the medical examiner determined it was a suicide.
One thing that puzzled me is that the police initially mentioned that the person suffered from depression. And then someone must have complained, because the next alert did not mention that information.
I wonder what was the purpose of mentioning that? Does it affect the way the search is done? I thought the policeman was inappropriate in providing that information. It’s not up to the police to determine whether or not a family wants to make a mental health issue public.And I think the police made the correct call to leave out that information in future pleas with the public.
In your friend’s friend’s case, it’s been mentioned in the media that the woman suffers(ed?) from anxiety, and that she’d seen a professional the day before. Of course even though that woman deemed your friend’s friend to NOT be in danger of harming herself or others, that is not a failsafe determination, as has been shown time and time again.
^Yes, the woman’s friends are all adamant that she would never hurt herself, but that’s what we would have said in my family’s case, also. People are really good at covering up what’s going on inside.
My son just heard that Joe Asch, a wealthy businessman who became the author of Dartblog, a prominent Dartmouth gadfly, Class of '79, killed himself today. He published a suicide note on Dartblog today, which was quickly taken down, but of course screen shots exist.
S knew him, and they had lunch occasionally. He was an unusual character, to say the least. Apparently his wife was divorcing him, and he made some references to not being able to keep his way of life…there were bitter comments about the law firm handling the divorce for her.
S and I had a long talk. These suicides are very disturbing.
BTW, S, who is a reporter, mentioned that most suicides are not reported as such by newspapers and police for fear of copycats. They simply say that the person died “suddenly” in the obituary. If there has been a publicized search, then of course there will be police statements, but they try to say as little as possible.