In some ways, she reminds me of my 20-year-old nephew who took his life in 2015 - a bright kid with a promising future who hid his pain well. This is why I’m always urging parents to think about the big picture with their kids - keep the ball in play!!! They have to survive in order to be “successful” as adults.
I’m not a big crier, but I wept as I watched the TV story last night. How in the world could she hide her true feelings so well? Her journal entries were so different from her happy exterior. My nephew left NO writings. I’m not sure which is harder.
I think having no writings is harder. None of it is easy, though with writings we at least have a glimmer of an answer as to why.
I hate why questions with no answers or even clues.
Tomorrow marks the 10th anniversary of my husband’s brother’s death by suicide. H then dealt with depression for many years afterwards while he worked through his grief. H is finally in a better spot, though this anniversary is doing something to him.
Wow, this hits home for me. My daughter is also the high-achieving, hide-your-pain type, but she reached out for help early on. I feel like we dodged a bullet. I’ve also learned a hard lesson: High-stats kids who are praised for their achievements often don’t feel like they have room to be anything but high-achieving, and that their sole value lies in that.This can feel very empty after a while.
I wish all search engines would do this. If someone performs a search for keywords that amount to a search for a suicide plan, a message in really big, bold letters would appear at the top saying that every life is precious (or something like that), and here is the number to call (suicide prevention line).
My sister committed suicide at age 50 when her husband asked for a divorce. No warning, just sudden. She left a letter that was very mean. No one ever let me read it. I feel like I lost my whole family that day. No one was ever the same. (She was 17 years older than I was). Fast forward. I adopted a baby. She is 21 now, super athletic, and smart BUT suffers from extreme depression. She has attempted suicide. Didn’t give us warning at first. Now her mental illness takes over our life. It is a struggle helping her through her hard days. Turns out her birthmom had the same issues. It is hard dealing with this even when you know the tendencies. You can’t watch them 24 hours a day. She gave up college, quits anything good. It is hard. Stories like this always hit me very hard because I know it could, and might be, us some day dealing with it.
I (very) recently found out that my SIL, who I’ve known since we began college in 2009, attempted suicide in 2013. We really didn’t grow close until the last few years but I’ve known that she struggles very much with depression. I just didn’t realize the extent of it. She’s the last person I would’ve thought could try to end her own life.
But, I understand the desire. I’ve never attempted suicide or self-harm but I was hospitalized my junior year of high school after I essentially stopped eating. I dropped down to a very dangerous weight. It wasn’t a suicide attempt; I was just too depressed to eat. On the outside, I had it all- a long-term, loving boyfriend, amazing parents, good friends, great grades. I was young, pretty, and accomplished. I was involved with a little bit of everything from sports to theater to clubs to tutoring.
But inside, it was never enough. Never ever.
Still do this day, I struggle. I have crippling self-doubt and am on a cocktail of meds. I wake up Mr R in the middle of the night to ask him if he still loves me because a large part of me thinks that no one could ever really love me.
One of my biggest fears is passing this depression on to my kid(s).
At some point in their preteen or early-teen years, I told both my daughters that I hoped they would tell me if they ever considered suicide. However, I knew and know that not merely the parent or other loved one’s willingness to listen but also the individual’s willingness to share those thoughts and feelings are key to helping a person who is depressed or suicidal.
One loved one told me that at a very low emotional point, the thing that stopped her from harming herself was fear of physical pain. I was sad that she had felt so bad but glad her md got her to be seen by a good therapist and the MD showed he cared and was looking out for her. Thankfully she’s not at that low, dark place any more.
@rosered55 a lot of times, it happens so slowly that not even the person suffering notices. Or, there’s a lot of self-blame and shame about being “weak.”
@romanigypsyeyes, I understand. I just don’t want parents or other people close to a deeply unhappy person to think that they are fault for not being able to read the individual’s mind. Nor do I think the unhappy person is at fault for not sharing their thoughts and feelings. I sure didn’t tell my parents everything negative that was swirling around in my brain when I fell down a deep and dark hole when I was in junior high school.
I have mixed feelings about tv and other media focusing on a story like this: contagion is a fear.
My father killed himself when I was 15. He developed the mania and depression of bipolar 1 in his 40;s. He was being supervised at home but his wife went out for 10 minutes. He grabbed the keys to his hardware store, drove there, locked himself in and took rat poison. My feelings about the loneliness of this act have colored my entire life and aside from parenting, I have rarely allowed myself to succeed or enjoy. I am only now coming to terms with my own reactions to his death: I was always feeling sorry for him, not myself.
One of my kids inherited bipolar 1 and tried once too. I lay with her i the ER bed all night, hoping she would make it. She did and is doing well now.
Raising awareness is a two edged sword. Surely we all need to be aware of what to look for, but these efforts also raise awareness of suicide as a possibility.
“One loved one told me that at a very low emotional point, the thing that stopped her from harming herself was fear of physical pain”
I just did a continuing education lesson on suicide prevention. Fear of physical pain does keep people from committing suicide initially but often they will often take more and greater risks to themselves to gradually overcome that fear.
@Consolation, I know what you mean about the lack of warning signs. I feel bad for my sister when I read things like that, because I know she wonders what she missed. She was very close to my nephew - she didn’t miss anything because he gave no warnings.
Yes, and they DID act when the teacher–good for him–told them about her visits to him. What were her parents supposed to do? There’s almost no way they could put her on a 24 hour suicide watch indefinitely, not unless they were gazillionaires who could pay for 24 hour coverage. Moreover, it doesn’t sound as if she shared any suicidal thoughts with him.
It should be noted that suicide is not always related to depression. And it can be an impulsive act so that means it can happen fast, so no warning. Anger, shame, a break-up, a temporary failure, short term despair.
I think kids need to learn not to look at herself/himself in a depreciating lens. Parents are often the source of the problems. There are often implied expectations so kids have no room to fail. If kids can learn to appreciate the good things about themselves, to learn to look at the successes they actually did have, to appreciate the things they are actually capable of doing, instead of always looking at what they lacked, those tragedies could have been avoided. Just look at all those threads posted by kids who are obsessed with college rankings, you will know where the problem is.
Kids need to see a future for themselves and learn to love themselves. They need to find themselves before committing 4 (or more) years of their life in college. They need to know college is not always going to be a positive experience. There are always bumps in the road but those bumps always lead to something else. They must gain the ability to be able to move on. Everyone has something to offer. Everyone is good at something. We should be proud of the little things they do. As long as kids can grow and learn and become the best persons they can be, that is enough.
I don’t think blaming the parents is fair or kind. I think this is a complex issue. Blaming parents is easy. Finding real causes and developing preventative measures is probably difficult and time consuming. I don’t think there are any easy answers.
How in the world could she hide her true feelings so well? Her journal entries were so different from her happy exterior. My nephew left NO writings. I’m not sure which is harder.