Summarize your unconventional formative years and how they got you where you are now

Parent Cafe
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Inspired by another thread that attributes more noble characteristics to certain “classes” of people than others, let’s share our stories. I’ll start.

My parents met at the university known for spoiled children. (Spot the acronym.) At some point, mom tired of that life and rebelled by leaving dad when my sib and I were toddlers. We lived in blissful harmony with a man who carved soapstone pipes for a living. We ate rubbery blocks of welfare cheese and had huge brown buckets of welfare peanut butter.

We ultimately moved to a mountain in the woods of the PNW with no electricity. Our house was an Airstream trailer. We wore bread bags to walk down the hill in snow. It was a 40 minute bus ride to school. My classmates had hippy dippy names like Gawain and Juniper.

I moved back to So Cal to live with dad and attended high school. Dad said I could go to USC, a very uncool idea. Why would I attend the same college as my parents? As if! Instead I went to the local CC, where I ditched a lot of classes and went to the beach. Imagine my surprise when I was put on academic probation :laughing:

After 3 years of CC, I wised up and transferred to a couple of CSUs, eventually earning the degree that I still use for my work every day, in a job I really enjoy. I live a comfortable life and am a productive member of society.

I believe that those experiences were good for me, though the years when I moved back to So Cal were hard because I was 14 and wanted to fit in. I wouldn’t change anything though.

Share your story.

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Nothing as interesting as that, but I will say that a mother who was brought up in a religiously conservative household - who ditched most of the religion but kept its attitude towards women (homemakers, husband should provide and do all the finances etc) - and found herself adrift when they got divorced, was probably a driving force in my conscious approach to never be dependent on a man. It ended up quite the opposite, with me being the main breadwinner for most of our marriage (and the only reason I’m not now is by choice to step back from demanding roles).

I also spent my high school years being the “poor kid” at a private school (scholarship student). “Poor” was relative - we lived in a middle class area and always had enough food to eat etc but money was always watched and I spent a lot of time feeling ashamed that I never had the spending ability, vacations etc that my classmates did; part of that was my classmates letting me know I was inferior for not having the money. It took me some years to look back on that and think - wow, how messed up. So we (very comfortable now) have tried to instill in our kids to not have the spoilt, self-entitled attitude that many of my high school classmates did and never look down on someone because of circumstances they can’t control.

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A little hippie in us goes a long way to positively effect our impact on this earth and our future.

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Could you be a little more clear on what you are referencing here? Don’t need a lot, but I feel a little lost because of the hinting without explanation. I get the title, but still not sure what the context is. Thanks!

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What is the thread that attributes noble characteristics to certain “classes”?

My parents divorced when I was 8 after my mother had an affair. Both remarried and we spent a weekend a month with our father, who lived hours away- always wishing to stay. My mother died two years ago so I feel okay revealing she drank and was abusive, and often kept us up all night while I continued to get good grades to keep my balance.
My father committed suicide when I was 15 which further derailed my mother, resulting in some violent behavior. Of course it affected me too, but the focus was on my mother.

We lived in a big house and she had money, belonged to a country club, was an “Episocrat,” and we went to private schools. I took care of her for 8 years in her dotage, because I really did realize that her upbringing by servants left her damaged. I believe I have been able to alter the generational pattern with my 3 wonderful kids and among all things that is the most important to me.

I have recently met with my private school peers, many decades later, and we have discovered that a large proportion of these relatively well off families had a parent in a psychiatric hospital during our high school years. Many of us grew up parenting our parents, for good or ill. So much for “certain classes”!

I have raised kids with pretty low income but no debt, and favored a mediocre school where they did not experience the high stress and achievement values of my schools. Ironically they have all achieved a lot more than I have- because they had time to be themselves.

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A post in a thread suggests that some classes of people have “better” values than others. I will leave it there, to avoid derailing this thread, which is about our stories. I haven’t linked the other thread, because it’s not the point of this thread.

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I was the first generation on both sides of the family to be born in the US. My parents were the work hard, squirrel away every cent, prepared for the worst, lived way below their means, education was everything types. Both my parents felt strongly that higher education and hard work were the paths to stability. Straight As were the expectation (at least for me as the oldest) and they never got over that I changed my major and didn’t become a doctor. (My dad was still complaining to people about that 25 years after I graduated).

I was definitely raised to be able to stand on my own two feet (my parents had a very very rocky marriage and my mom felt trapped) and be independent.

That said, my parents would have been thrilled if I moved back home after college graduation and lived with them forever. Two things that were at odds but both grew up where family all stayed in the same city and saw each other all the time. It wasn’t unusual to have multi generations in the same house.

I was a disappointment to them in many ways. I think the only thing that they thought I did right was be a mom and raise a child in a way that they approved of and that I married “well”. Hard to even type that out even all these years later. I definitely still feel like they were never proud of me even when I was excelling in my career pre-parenthood.

My upbringing completely impacted how I parent, my relationship with my spouse, and the kind of home life I tried to create for us.

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I love these stories, but my upbringing was pretty typical middle class. My parents were the first generation to go to college. 3/4 grandparents didn’t graduate high school.

But here I thought having to play the guitar and sing songs in harmony on road trips was weird. We were pretty tame by comparison! (I think my mom wished we were the Von Trapps)

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Neither of my parents went to college. We were solid working class. My dad worked two jobs - road services (digging ditches and such - manual labor) during they day, then worked as a dish washer at a retirement center in the evening. He worked LONG days. I barely saw him. My mom was a stay-at-home mom with some unclear mental health issues. So that was a rollercoaster.

We lived in a small town in Florida which, very fortunately for me, happened to have a gifted school - at the time, one of the tippy top schools in the country (today the educational landscape is more competitive, but it is still very highly ranked). And, to clarify, it is a public school, so it is free to attend, but you have to take a bunch of IQ tests and do several interviews. At least back then you did. Not sure if that has changed.

Anyhow, I was fortunate enough to get a spot starting in 4th grade (at the time the school was 4th - 12th grade, now it is 2nd - 12th, I believe). I attended from 4th to 12th grade.

These two forces - a working class family and an excellent, and very privileged, education - were both very formative to me. Coming from a family that struggled at times has influenced my politics - I am far left in part because of my ingrained empathy for those who work hard but who still struggle and no matter how hard they work can never really get ahead, like my father. But I also value education - and educational opportunities - as transformative.

So where did it get me? Well, I have two MAs and a PhD so clearly attending a top school and being the beneficiary of a rigorous, excellent education that emphasized original thought and questioning assumptions had a positive effect. If I had attended the district middle and high school where I lived, I doubt I would have fared so well in higher education.

In terms of work, I am middle-ish class. I never aspired to having a lot of money and I think my working class background makes me a bit uncomfortable with wealth and the wealthy. I work a job which, in my opinion, has social value, although I’ll never get rich doing it (I work in the nonprofit sector). And I am just fine with that. That definitely comes from my family upbringing.

In terms of parenting - I have raised D to value education, to work hard, and to help others, especially those with less. All of that is also a result of the above.

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Parents were first generation Americans. I was first generation college- both sides of my family, all cousins. I did exceptionally well in high school and just kept going in education- med school, board certified.

In my public high school there was a mandatory meeting with the guidance counselor (who helped with after graduation plans). I was told I would not go to college and to make other plans- basically because of my parents blue collar jobs. I walked out.
Honestly, I think it was GRIT.

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Okay. The post made it seem like I was missing something. Further question then–is this post about class or unconventional upbringings? Because of course the latter could occur at any class level. I promise I’m not trying to be argumentative, but i feel like there’s an implied thesis that I’m missing. Like, your background is fascinating, and I enjoyed reading it. But if that’s what you mean by “unconventional” then I’m not sure how most of us can answer, absent having been raised in hippy compounds. The “Summarize your…” makes it sound like you’re looking for something that many could reply to, but the “unconventional” a la your experience seems rarer.

Now if you want to ask about our experiences with class insecurity, probably lots of us can identify.

Again, I’m really not trying to make an argument–I actually don’t know what you are looking for here.

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When I was in middle school, my mom went back to college for a 2nd masters to help with upcoming kids’ higher ed expenses. I opted to do daily grocery shopping and cooking and tutoring/typing for the family. I got a signed blank check every day and when I got home from school, I’d go to the grocery in shopping center behind our home and buy the groceries for our family of 9.

I’d do my homework and then make dinner. After dinner, I’d help whomever needed any help with homework, including older siblings and type anyone’s paper that needed typing.

One day, i vividly remember silently going on strike. I hid in a closet and read a book instead of making dinner. When everyone got home and asked what was for dinner, I said I had no idea! We went out to McD in shopping center that night and my folks vowed to help me more with meals.

It all worked out. After mom had gotten her 2nd master’s degree in special ed & became a substitute teacher, I stopped cooking. My younger sis said she started cooking but I didn’t really pay attention. (Mom was never fond of cooking.)

My being the main cook for our family at such a young age made me very self-resilient. I had no qualms about diving into a place I had never seen as an exchange and later a transfer student in college. I knew I could care for myself and budget just fine. I ended up tutoring peers all through college & law school, just for fun. It was nice to be paid to type papers for others. I never felt homesick. I had no problem moving to my own apartment shortly after graduating from law school—wanted to have a place for my stuff.

Oh yea, I was also bullied and physically hit by bullies in elementary school and a little in middle school. It taught me to cherish good and loyal friends and never be a bully myself and teach our kids not to be a victim (taught D how to hit back when hit and she had to do so a few times).

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If you had an unconventional upbringing, feel free to share. How did it shape you? Anything goes!

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My Dad comes from an upper middle class background that always strongly valued education. My grandmother had a graduate degree from Columbia! My mom’s dad was a welder :slight_smile: who had an 8th grade education. You will find no class snobbery in my family.

My parents have been quite successful but always emphasized a good education and a strong family life. My husband comes from a similar background.

We are extremely lucky/privileged/blessed. We were given the amazing gifts of a stable family and a debt free education.

But we were on our own after graduation. Of course we always had a safety net. We always had the knowledge that we could take risks and if it all exploded in our faces, someone would bail us out. I think that is perhaps the best gift, luckily we never needed it.

I guess we’re very conventional! But maybe that’s actually kind of rare?

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I will add that of my three sibs, I was the only one who earned a degree. Maybe I viewed it as a means of achieving something permanent. My husband’s upbringing was working class, but hard work and education were strongly valued and all six siblings earned college degrees.

My own kids have had a conventional, happy, and very fortunate upbringing. I think because my own formative years were very unconventional, I wanted that stability for them.

Fun additon to my living on a mountain story. My hubby and kids always assumed the mountain I lived on was a bit mythical and something of a tall tale. In 2019 we went to the PNW for a family reunion and I took them up the mountain. They were pretty blown away to find that I wasn’t exaggerating. Since then, if the topic comes up, they take a little pride in telling others that I was indeed a mountain child. :laughing:

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Okay, making a stab at it. Background: My parents were first generation college, Dad went to Columbia on a Pulitzer scholarship at age 16 (given to the top ten NYC students) but had to live at home and hated it, dropped out, joined the Army (WW2) then finished degree at CU at 21. Mom’s parents came from college educated homes, but dropped out of HS to have mom (big scandal). Her father worked in the Brooklyn naval yards among other things. her mother worked in the Macy’s telephone room. They lived with her father’s parents who looked down at Grandma for being pregnant and “ruining” her son’s education.

On to me. We started as middle/upper middle class. But when I was ten, my father was laid off, then diagnosed with cancer, died when I was 14. We scraped by during the firs years on mom’s part time work and food stamps. Mom finally got a decent Civil Service job, but after my father died, it wasn’t really enough to live on comfortably, once the small life insurance was gone. We managed to stay in our house, but it was always tough to be around kids who went on vacations, took different kinds of lessons, had non-discount clothes, etc. I worked throughout high school. I’d go to work in the morning, then high school in the afternoon (double session, crowded school).

Went to college on my work savings, loans, and scholarships. Mom finally had to sell the house because of piled up mortgages.

I’m not sure this was “unconventional” but it definitely was uncomfortable. Every year of college I worried I wouldn’t be able to pay for the next year. That’s why, once we had some decent income, my first priority was paying for my kids’ colleges so they never had to feel that way.

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My parents were immigrants who believed strongly in higher education and saved to pay for college for my brother and me. Both of us graduated without any student loans. My parents paid for everything. I’ll always be grateful. Getting an education allowed me to live in a material way that was quite different from how I grew up. I once told a person who I had recently met where I grew up and he looked at me and said, “Wow–you’ve come a long way.”

I also feel sad for my parents because for them saving was so important that they never seemed to be happy. Even when they had no reason to be worried about money, they worried about money. They considered finances in every decision they made, no matter how inconsequential. I’m afraid they might be disappointed in me because I did not inherit that frugality gene.

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My grandparents on both sides were poor and poorly educated. One was half Native American. My paternal grandmother had a 6th grade education, dipped snuff, never learned to drive, and raised nine kids. She also had no teeth for as long as I knew her. I never knew my paternal grandfather. My maternal grandfather was an alcoholic but my grandmother seemed nice, but as an adult I learned she stole my mom’s earnings from her after school job each week and didn’t support her after she was about 13 or so. So my mom had to spend her paycheck before she got home, otherwise she was asked to hand it over at the door.

My parents had high school diplomas and worked blue collar jobs. We were always poor, but my mother made sure we were always clean and presentable. My parents were “good enough”. I don’t remember many fun family activities, but we were fed, clothed, housed and sent to school. My parents didn’t care about our school work and education wasn’t prioritized even though at least a couple of us were fairly smart.

When I was in high school, I think I realized that I didn’t want to live the same life as my parents, I wanted to travel and see other places, and I wanted to not be seen as the person from the poor family. I also didn’t want to live in a place where “where do you go to church?” was the first thing people asked you. So I worked hard to graduate from college. I soon left my home state, got a job, met my husband, and never looked back. I’m proud of myself for persevering and making something of myself with basically no encouragement or assistance from my parents. I had an exciting career, traveled to lots of interesting places, and raised two wonderful daughters who came to us from absolutely horrible circumstances. I’ve tried my best to do a better job raising them, showing them love, attention, and giving them the opportunities to become successful. They, without a doubt, sometimes felt that I was in their business too much sometimes, but I don’t think they’ll ever be able to understand what drives me as a parent. I just want them to know I’ll always care.

BTW, I’ve been doing some genealogy and discovered this guy is my gggg…grandfather. Tutor to Henry VIII and related through a step parent to Anne Bolyne. Fortunes ebb and flow obviously.

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My parents were stressed teen parents with a very rocky relationship and no money. My mom left for almost a year, but then came back. Then they became very religious, which I think was a force that helped them clean up (stop drinking etc.) but they took it too far. They became anti-vaxxers, homebirthers, homeschoolers --which actually meant they just didn’t send us to school. I did a lot of childcare for much younger siblings and worked a lot in the (dysfunctional but fun) family business. My maternal grandmother was a source of stability. Eventually my sibs and I returned to school, which (and this was a huge piece of luck) was in a quality public school system. I did very, very well. My parents did not value education, but my school teachers valued me, and told me so. My grandmother was also proud of me and typed my college application for me. I went to a close by LAC known for academic rigor, financing this with Pell grants, loans, some money from my parents, campus jobs like the dish room, plus a job in town. Again I did very, very well.

My husband comes from a very solid, happy, stable, upper middle class background. He is a terrific husband and father and has been in charge of many of the home duties. I have been the main breadwinner. I am proud to have given my kids a healthy childhood.

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My dad came from a Jewish crime family (loan sharks, bookies, crooked union officers etc) and my mother was, along with her parents and sister, 1939 refugees. My oma was the epitome of petit bourgeoisie in her new home in Manhattan. They would come visit us almost every weekend, driven by myself, my aunt born here in 1940, my mom, or on the Long Island Railroad at our Levitt house in Hicksville. My father, who worked two jobs as an airplane mechanic and truck driver, adored my oma and her acquired cultural appreciation, including opera and museums.

Hicksville was filled with families, mostly Irish and Italian, who fled Brooklyn and the Bronx. My brothers and I were often the only Jewish kids in our classes in public school. I hated high school where football reigned supreme and i was very glad to escape Hicksville to go to SUNY Binghamton.

My parents had both suffered trauma in their formative years, which took me many years to process. I was determined to raise my daughter in the city, in diverse neighborhoods where she always had friends with more than us and with less, sometimes much less. My mom died before she had grandchildren, a tragedy–I am sure she would have been as good an Oma as i had. My dad loved, loved, loved his grandchildren, nieces, nephews and grands. So I had certainly not a perfect childhood but in many ways a typically American one.

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