Summer Program Essay

College Essays
1

<p>Instructions : What are the significant experiences or accomplishments you have realized that have helped define you as a person? (150 words)</p>

<p>What shaped me to become the person I am today were sports alongside my education and moral views. These things did and do impact me, but what really impacts me is the service I do in the community. Each time I participate in community service, regardless of how simple or how hard it is, I finish with a smile, because that feeling that you receive by serving others is unexplainable and all you need in return. That giving without receiving is what makes me the person I am today. Some people do service to make their personal image greater, to glut, or to boast, but does that really make you a better person? I have won recognitions in sports and in schoolwork, but the accomplishment that I really honor is creating the non-lucrative organization: “Serviam”, not only this, but also the accomplishment of putting smiles on others. **“He who lives not to others, lives little to himself. “~ Michel Montaigne<a href=“If%20I%20had%20the%20last%20quote%20I%20will%20go%20over%20the%20limit%20by%2010%20words…any%20tips%20on%20how%20I%20could%20reduce%20the%20essay%20or%20do%20I%20delete%20the%20quote?”>/b</a></p>

<p>Its difficult to make it deep. I know that they won’t be that picky simply because it is just a summer program, but it really means a lot to me if I get in. Any tips, any advice, any changes would be very much appreciated!</p>

2

<p>I think your first sentence to second sentence is bit odd.
You first say “sports, moral values” are what defined me as if implying that that will be your thesis then abruptly make a transition to service?</p>

<p>Also I don’t think disparaging serves much good purpose.
I don’t think it is necessary to mention that some people do service to boast about it.</p>

3

<p>Thank You, now that you mention it your right…I will change it immediately thank you!</p>

4

<p>You could make your first sentence this instead: “My education and moral views made me the person I am today.”</p>

<p>This edit would save 6 words from your word limit and give the sentence active voice (which is supposedly preferable to passive voice). Also note that I took out “sports.” This is because your essay doesn’t elaborate on your experience with sports and therefore makes mentioning sports at all useless. </p>

<p>Other suggestions:
Sentence 3) “regardless of its rigor … the feeling you receive is all you need in return”
Sentence 4) take out “That”
Sentence 5) “Some people service their communities for the wrong reasons.”
Sentence 6) change “recognitions” to “awards” ; end sentence after “Serviam”
You may also want to take out the quote and explain what Serviam does.</p>

<p>Is this program religious? Because I’m not religious and your essay might give agnostic or even atheist people pretty weird vibes.</p>

5

<p>Yes, it is religious, its Notre Dame, Thank you a lot i will make the changes !</p>