That was the case in the facility my aunt is in. As the population aged the place turned into more walkers and oxygen tanks than able bodied seniors. She’s now 95 and much younger both in mind (she’s sharp!) and has a walker but a very intact sense of humor. Her main complaint now (she’s slow to complain about anything) is the lack of stimulating conversation. She wants to talk current events but literally nobody has interest outside the facility.
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Just got through getting past taxes done for sis and deceased BIL–our area had extensions for filing fortunately. My dad died a couple years ago (still haven’t closed estate) and then BIL died a year later (his taxes and my sister’s). It’s all a mess and just been an ongoing source of anxiety. Would help if sis could make a decision and not second guess everything. It’s hit her so hard to have her husband gone and I WANT to give her time to grieve properly and work through things at her pace–but her pace is too slow–paperwork doesn’t stop and everytime you miss deadlines just sets you up for another year of muck. . And it costs big bucks. I feel horrible --I get SO frustrated. Its like dragging someone through quicksand. I need more tact in truth telling. But sometimes I don’t think being nice and tactful to her works. I sort of blasted her the other night…but we make up quick fortunately. It’s more pulling someone into the 21st century that’s the worst. No email, no idea about messaging, no good grasp of computers etc.
I can’t teach 30 years of things that needed keeping up with overnight or even months.
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What paper work deadlines? I suddenly feel like I am missing something!?
My mom’s place will let you take your extra food with you, and everyone comes to meals with tupperware (even though the dining room will give you a box.) It’s hysterical! But you need an extenuating circumstance to get meals delivered – they feel that communal dining is an important social experience and that this set-up minimizes isolation. Illness or an injury counts as a good reason. Breakfast and lunch or dinner is part of the monthly rent.
My in-laws place didn’t have any limits like that - any meal could be to-go/delivered. They had to participate in a meal plan, but it could be relatively minimal. But – you had to own your unit. So the level of commitment to meals was more of an a la carte thing to begin with.Just a different set-up all the,way round.
All these places do what seems to work for them. I do agree, though, that giving sick people an economic incentive to infect others feels really misguided. Shepherding parents through this transition is really tough.
I am so sorry, @Mom22039 , that this is your path now. Ime, these are incredibly challenging transitions – emotionally, logistically, on every front. Thinking of you and @snowball in particular.
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Don’t worry. My BIL just had some different business entities and they filed seperately and etc and etc and it was just a big mess to sort through. But would have helped a lot if headed to the tax people sooner than later to figure it out.
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I can start another thread if necessary if this gets long but has anybody every tried NOKBox?
It’s an organization system for papers, accts, documents needed by next of kin in case of your death so all the info is in one spot. Supposedly not just the documents but how to use them. It looks good but not sure it’s better than coming up with own system.
For Christmas I gave my kids fireproof safes and their documents I could find. I will continue to purge and give them more (birth certificates, adoption papers, old passports, etc.
This has freed up room in my fireproof safe and I will continue to put in documents,car titles, etc. I will note the account numbers and any passwords for them and how they can cash in 401K and bank accounts and CDs. I really don’t own anything that needs to go through probate so hopefully that can be avoided. They are listed as beneficiaries.
My mother died about 18 months ago and she did have a 20 year old will, a power of attorney and those were all we needed. I was listed on her bank accounts so I just closed them. My brother was on the CDs, so he took those. My sister was POA and was able to transfer the car to me (it helped, at least to the DMV guy, that we all had the same last name as he was reassured that we weren’t making off with millions, just an 11 year old car). Now my sister noticed that there was a check for $175 from one of my mother’s medical doctors with a refund on the state treasurer’s webpage. She would go to the doctor, they’d ask for $175, she’d pay, and then in a month or two she’d get a refund check for the $175. It happened several times. I guess she was in the ‘waiting for a refund’ period when she died. I know there is also a $44 check for her last month of medicare advantage the bank wouldn’t let me deposit, so that should show up too.
Anyway, I’m trying to set my kids up for an easy transition. If they find the fire safe, they should be okay.
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Good evening. Sandwich generation caregiving continues.
I’m trying to settle my husband’s estate, help my 96 yo father into a care situation, and I have a call into a lawyer to create new docs for Dad’s wife.
Her current will has no contingent beneficiaries and doesn’t reference her post-nup. (Ack!) I am named as the contingent executor which is pretty much a sure thing since my Dad can’t do it.
Family asked to eat in my dining room last night! No way, the table is covered with stacks of papers!
And then there’s work. I’d really like to get the finances assured and then really decide if I am ready to retire.
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Oh @Mom22039 – this is really too much!! Instead of retiring, can you take a leave of absence while you deal with all this, and also consider if you want to retire?
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FMLA leave?
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The company has less than 10 employees so we don’t qualify for FMLA. I have worked for them (and mostly run the place) for 18 years, so I have been a bit liberal in how I am spending my time.
Current schedule is, up early, coffee and some work in bed. Check on Dad a couple of times. Some work while home. Caregiver (who helped with my husband) comes late morning. Get Dad out of bed. Then I go to the office and stay til 4-5:00.
Caregiver can do some food prep and start dinner, so that helps.
I’ve been getting Dad to bed and retreating to my own room, starting at 9pm. Last night I placed an order with a vendor before going to bed!
Brother is taking Dad back to Dad’s hometown tomorrow to set up nursing care and respite care. I’m making plans for this weekend so I can have some enjoyment, but I know I’m going to shift to concerns (worries!) about what I can’t see,
On my own progress, some of the paperwork is resolving, some life insurance is in my accounts, my kids have been great and supportive, as have friends. It’s all just a matter of time.
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If you feel you can handle it all, then by all means continue to do what you’re doing! Just recognize that it is a lot, and come here to vent whenever!
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You’re a rockstar. 
Just remember that it’s ok to take a day or weekend or whatever off and NOT be one to everybody!!
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Can I add tonight that I am sad that I can’t find anything that smells like my husband?
During his cancer treatment journey, he was fastidious about putting every item of clothing in the wash. To keep him content, I did a lot of laundry — including on his last day. Now I can’t find anything that smells like him. It makes me sad.
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Could there be a forgotten jacket? Sweater? Hat? Spring/Summer clothing?
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Did he wear cologne? Or check for gloves in coat pockets?
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try the pillow
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Oh that’s tough. I found a blouse of my mom’s that still had the scent of her perfume. I wore it a lot and didn’t wash it. The scent has finally faded away. 
How is everyone doing?
My father was a huge geneaology hobbyist, and I have his master copies of notebooks all neatly sorted and all that. But he never finished himself or his parents, or my mom’s parents and my children/nephews/nieces have indicated they might like abbreviated versions of the family geneaology. So I have been working on just those missing write ups and feeling defeated by trying to condense entire human beings into two page summaries. I copied his funeral program and some things we had written and clicked the notebook shut and it felt both like he would be so pleased for me to carry on the work, and like he was really gone all over again.
A family friend had asked for some of his shirts, to make memory bears. That was months and months ago, and I don’t know how to ask if she has forgotten, is super slow, or what is going on? My mom does not know we did this, she would have said No and I thought she’d regret that eventually.