Regarding those ultrasonic pest deterrents, sometimes dogs can hear them. Once I put them in my basement, where we used to see not mice but snakes, the dogs stopped coming downstairs. (Luckily they drove out the snakes, too.)
@Mom22039 : Do things fast or slow, whatever your pace. My father took care of things immediately after my mother died, but that was just him. My MIL never cleaned anything out, even though her husband died 15 years before she did. It’s all your choice, as the spirit moves you.
My father died 4 years before my mother. Anyone who wanted anything took it (hats, jackets, a class ring) and one friend took a lot of clothing to a shelter. But a ton of stuff was still there. I’ve been cleaning out my mother’s stuff in fits and spurts.
What I still find myself doing is noticing something and thinking “I’ll have to tell her about that*”
*Costco has pot pies
*A new restaurant down the street
*Gas prices are up/down at the station I like
*I saw so and so at Safeway
Her cousin (they were raised together, got married 2 months apart, had their first daughters (named the same) a month apart and then sons 2 months apart) just died and now it seems very final.
I do same, even though mom has been gone since July 2020.
Today I had to go to the courthouse to pick up her Will. They sent me a summons (phew - not a big deal) since it had been 3 years since last activity. I also had option to let them destroy it (or provide envelope for them to mail to me) but decided to stop by to get it. An unexpected milestone which made me a bit sad. And worried that I might never get around to dealing with her ashes. (Dang covid - it meant no decisions at the time. And procrastination since then.)
I have mostly lost that urge, and my mother is still alive! But dementia has already taken the wonderful mother I knew, and made those cozy conversations impossible.
I am thinking it may make her passing easier as I’ve already experienced some of it.
My mom’s “expected” death was easier for me emotionally than my dad’s sudden passing. But, I find myself missing the person my mom when she was well, prior to her ALZ. She lived ten years from time of first symptom and the last several years of her life were incredibly compromised.
Facebook memories are hard for me. This newspaper page I found online and shared on Facebook years ago came up yesterday. Mom loved babies and I know I’ve shared she kept 86 foster babies over the years. I miss her every day.
I don’t know if that feeling of “must tell mom” will ever go away. I used to talk to her every single day about anything and everything. If we attended a wedding, a party - the cherry on top was discussing this with her the next day. Relive a vacation by recounting to her the places we visited. I feel like a bit of the luster has worn off on all my vacations these days since I can’t describe them all to her
My mom died in 1983 and my dad in 2014. Of course mom was way before instant, free communications, and dad never took to technology; I had a fraught relationship with both. ameliorated by good therapy which at least made me comfortable to be with him, a pretty big deal since I managed his care during the crazy final five years. But my baby brother! No baby but seven years younger than me; died a year after my dad at age 59. Texted all.the.time! And to this day, stuff happens that I think of sharing with him. He missed so much: his oldest daughter’s wedding (by a few months!), three grandchildren, my daughter’s wedding.
I do believe that politics beginning in 2016 and the pandemic would have been difficult for both of them to bear. No belief in the afterlife for either. And so it goes.
Today is three weeks since my husband died and so much has happened. I want to call him several times and day — and whenever I get into the car. Especially when you read below.
I had planned to go back to my hometown (7 hour drive) Thursday to Saturday. Just before, on Tuesday, my father’s 92 y wife fell and broke a vertebrae. My dad is 96. After years of asking them to plan support into their lives, this need was forced onto us. My Dad is fading and is depressed. Yesterday I made him get out of bed after 13 hours.
So, she is now in rehab, and I brought my father back to VA until we can get him into a care situation. I’ve scheduled a physical for him next week, so he can potentially go into an assisted living center. We are leaning toward temporary home care, followed by respite care, and then likely assisted living. (We have several people checking on her at the rehab center).
I’ve gone through their files and found the post-nup and her will. I have a call into a lawyer to see what other documents she has or needs to update. We will likely execute my father’s POA this week. (That’s my brother’s task). There are also business interests that need to be handled.
My cousin has been here to help (leaving today) — and she’s been especially helpful reminding my brothers that this shouldn’t be on me as I’m still reeling from 10 months of caregiving and my husband’s death.
You are following my path, and it is not a fun one. I know you must be running on auto drive, with no time to contemplate your own life and path. While I am sure you were a great care provider for your husband, that doesn’t mean it is your life calling; hopefully your brothers are really helping more than making phone calls?
While I am not care giving my 93 year old mother, we did just move her to a retirement community 2 weeks ago. The month of January was spend getting her to decide what she was taking with her in the way of furniture and all her belonging. She wanted to keep everything she had in her 1500 sf apartment; she moved into a 600sf apartment! It was a battle with almost everything, and she moved things she has no room for. My garage is filled with her crap that will sit there for months until she will admit she can’t use it! Moving and lifting boxes is not the job I wanted at my age; my arms and legs are covered in bruises, and I tweaked my back!
Overall, mom seems happy with the move. She has a friend there that has taken her under her wing and makes sure mom goes to dinner and some activities. It was all going well with me spending hours a day organizing and unpacking; then mom got sick. She is ok, but I think she has RSV, or maybe just a bad cold. Her PCP didn’t want to see her and told her to go to UC, which mom refused. Saw the PCP on Friday and was given steroids and an antibiotic; she was told to go home and do a Covid test. No flu, Covid or RSV test administered at the office, which I am having trouble understanding. Once she got home I Covid tested her and it was negative. While I have gone to her apartment a few times since she has been sick, I haven’t spent hours moving things, so my body is recovering. I spent the day yesterday in pjs, only to shower in the evening and get into bed and watch tv, it was glorious!
Oh my. Nothing to add to @Mom22039 or @snowball , other than lots of hugs. Come here anytime to talk about all this. We are here to listen and, perhaps, offer advice.
Does her retirement community have a medical staff? My grandmother was in a senior living apartment with optional dining but no other services, and in laws were in independent and assisted living, but both situations had medical staff that took care of things like minor illnesses.
Oh my goodness! I am so sorry for your losses, and now for this added responsibility and stress. Hoping that you get some time to rest and that there will be joy and peace in your life soon.
Unfortunately, there is no medical; it is independent living with meals and activities. Mom complained before she moved that everyone was old and had walkers; she is old, but doesn’t need a walker and many of these people are younger than her! Mom’s PCP is around the corner, but first we had to leave a message on the nurse line, nurse calls back, maybe the same day, gets info which she passes on to the doctor. At this point it is decided if she can be seen; she got an appointment the next day. As she has asthma and was wheezing, she did get a nebulizer treatment; as I wasn’t there, I am not sure what meds were included in the treatment, but I do know it was a short course. She is on day 6 of not feeling well, but it no worse; feels better in the morning, but the more she talks, she coughs.
If we/she had the money, this isn’t where she would have gone, but it is a popular place in her area. While 3 meals a day are provided, she isn’t going to get dressed to go down for breakfast and has tea and an english muffin in the morning in her apartment. She might have lunch occasionally, but dinner is what works for her. A couple of times while sick she has gone down with her take out containers, ordered dinner, then took it back to her apartment. They charge $10 to bring a meal to you, or $5 if you order to go; she thinks by sitting down and ordering and then boxing her own meal she will avoid the $5 charge. I will be interested to see when her March statement comes!
I’m surprised that they charge extra for to-go, if only because people on a fixed income will want to avoid the charge & may end up exposing others to their illness if they dine in while sick. Oh, well … I don’t think any senior living situation is perfect, so if your mom is content, that’s a huge plus.
@snowball and @Mom22039 if I could, I would send you a care package of comfort. You have done wonders - thank you for giving us updates!
Much less important : I took my mom home and spent some time continuing to clean up and sort my father’s study. He had a huge geneology hobby and there are still hundreds of books to deal with. He has a written note in most of them and seeing his handwriting was hard, I cried a lot standing in his closet so Mom wouldn’t hear. (all she will say to anyone is “we need to be glad he isn’t suffering”)
No flu, Covid or RSV test administered at the office, which I am having trouble understanding. Once she got home I Covid tested her and it was negative. While I have gone to her apartment a few times since she has been sick, I haven’t spent hours moving things, so my body is recovering. I spent the day yesterday in pjs, only to shower in the evening and get into bed and watch tv, it was glorious!