Support after Caregiving - Bereavement Thread

Parent Cafe
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More frustration than bereavement in my life right now. The funeral was yesterday and “only” two things went wrong: the pianist/organist/music director somehow left off 3 songs (so why did she ask for them? And approve them. And tell me when she planned to play them?) And the YouTube provided by the church didn’t work. Um….thanks?

My BILs eulogy for his brother was outstanding. It could not have been better.

I’m trying to focus on closing out payments (like insurance premiums for Cobra, etc), and completing the paperwork for money owed to us/me, like Life Insurance.

I have two credit cards we use a lot. Marriott and American AAdvantage. The American card is in my name, but I didn’t realize I was only the authorized user on the Marriott card. So that one has been closed.

I pulled a credit report last night to check my status on our other cards!

At the credit union today, I found out that the HELOC (not currently in use) — that my husband always wanted us to have it in the event of emergency — was only in his name. So, that’s gone.

It’s funny/odd that we thought we were financially prepared, but are finding little things we didn’t think of. Be sure to know the ownership of ALL of your accounts.

We have had our Credit Union account since 1986 and the rep today could not confirm the actual ownership because it’s too old!

I’ll save the other financial sagas for a future post.

It was 8 days between death and the funeral — and it seemed a bit too long at times. We had many good meals and good laughs and important conversations.

I encouraged my BILs, sons in law, and nephews to take sweaters, sweatshirts, and coats. AND, I also got out all of his neckties for them to make selections. It was quite amusing when most of them wore their selected ties to the funeral.

My Ds thought that giving away shoes was a bit too much, but one nephew, the Manhattanite, took the LLBean boots :wink:

I also dread the empty closet. I’ll keep a few things, but not most. I’m planning to make a baby blanket out of my husband’s Christmas PJs so the baby has something to match the rest of us. My Ds have also taken sweaters for their lazy days.

I think socks and underwear will go out soon — along with every day pants. One step at a time, right?

I’m planning to make a trip next week to my hometown to visit my Dad. He’s 96 and I haven’t seen him since Christmas 2022 — when I left with a case of Covid. H was diagnosed shortly after and I haven’t seen my dad in person since then. My brothers are telling me of his decline.

This is the first night in ages that I’m able to just sit and watch TV. Both Ds are still here, but we have no caregiving to do and no one to host. It’s mighty strange.

I’m going to try to go to work for a few hours tomorrow. I haven’t worked much in the last two weeks and I’m really getting used to not working.

More soon!

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Please know you can do all of this on your own time table. There is no rush to do it all at once unless you are finding comfort in keeping busy.

You are in my thoughts and prayers!

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I want to get the financial stuff done. I know that I have enough, but I want to see the funds, especially the life insurance, in my own accounts.

Once I have that done, I’ll have a better idea if I want to keep working.

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As I already mentioned on the other thread, many of these things (ownership of accounts, etc.) are on my mind now. A friend who was recently widowed said she was looking forward to when she didn’t have to carry around his death certificate to get business done. I’m so sorry for your loss, but thank you for sharing.

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Do things like the closet when it feels right. Don’t feel like it’s a “must do” right away if that doesn’t suit where your emotions are at.

I’m glad your daughters are still with you.

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Um, we may have a mouse (or mice) tonight. We see a few signs in the basement and have recruited a neighbor to help with the search tomorrow. (Apparently, they recently had an infestation!!!)

Oddly, when the priest visited my husband on 1/21, on the second floor in the Master Bedroom, my husband said he saw a mouse. The priest and I both thought he was delusional.

A few days before, we’d had especially cold weather, and when more lucid my husband had cautioned that mice might come in during cold weather.

I’ll get the hang of this, right?

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We had to put a mouse trap in a kitchen drawer about a month ago. We’ve caught several mice, yuck.

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Mice will come indoors when it gets really cold outside. PB in a plastic trap works well.

We have a HELOC and haven’t accessed it in many years. Ought to see if it’s even on the books any more.

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We had a heloc on the books for 7-10 years, just before H retired, to be kind to an employee who was trying to find people to apply. We never used it and had to pay some minimal fee to get it off title when the bank closed it because we never used it. We never had to pay anything else associate with it.

Because my brother was a part time state employee he was entitled to voluntarily participate in the deferred comp program. The former employer’s HR sent an inquiry about last 4 SS digits so they can determine whether he had any named beneficiary and/or assets in his account for the 34 years he was a P/T employee. We shall see if there’s anything.

They also indicated order of inheritance if there is no one listed as beneficiary—spouse, parent, kids, step kids, siblings, estate.

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This is a time that you call on someone who offered to help! Is a neighbor maybe more experienced in setting some traps? Some people swear by those plug in things that emit a sound we don’t hear (I think that’s how it works) - once you catch any that are currently present!

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A homemade bucket mouse trap works wonders. We use this at our cabin. You can catch multiple mice and save the trouble of setting individual traps.

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I understand wanting to get things done, particularly the financial piece. When Dad passed, Mom’s advisor recommended not making any big, immediate changes. 17 years later, she gave me the same advice when Mom died. You may find working and the familiar routine to be something you want to keep in place for a bit. I had a big burst of energy to get things done immediately and now it’s really tough to tackle what remains- like clearing out Moms personal items. Our dogs were really attached to her and if we’re out for a walk, they try to steer me to her house to visit, which we did nearly every day.

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An alternative to an exterminator is ContraPest – rat and mouse birth control. Humane, doesn’t hurt other animals. It may be overkill for your purposes, but I’ve used it at my barn with great success. I just don’t want to deal with a creature suffering, myself, so this has been a great solution.

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Don’t new rodents just keep coming in? How long does it take to notice a decrease?

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They haven’t in my case. (Plus you just leave it out, so any new rodents also wouldn’t reproduce). It was much faster for me – I noticed a decrease within a month, and all gone within 2-3 months. My situation was different – I have a barn that was overrun by rats.

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We saved dealing with clothes until just last month (so, 5 months out). I didn’t want mom to have a half-empty closet on top of everything else, it was just too emphatically “he’s gone for real”. We first moved all his clothes into a spare closet, and then worked on what to do with the clothes – a few things were brand new and those were offered around, but everything else went to the thrift store or the University professional clothes closet (Dad had lots of suits that were brand new).

It is always a choice to wait. In the aftermath, there’s lots to do but when that stops we are finding ourselves a bit adrift and disoriented, so it was good to have small tasks to tackle , like the clothes. I had given a friend of Mom’s , who asked, a few of my father’s shirts to make into bears, but she hasn’t made them and I’ve no idea when she will. Too awkward to ask, for sure!

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Our cabin is pretty much overrun by mice. We catch anywhere from 6 to 25 between visits.

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I have been reluctant to use chemicals for mice and have been rewarded in my barn with owls! I like the ContraPest idea, though.

But I set traps in the house – we live in the country and the house is a warm alternative in winter – and after the first round of steady catches, usually get 1 or 2 a week. I put them outside in the same place and now have a fox who makes that place part of his daily rounds - just in case I’ve been successful. Having said that, I am always troubled when a trap disappears!

Clearly, all squeamishness is gone. This is practically a hobby!

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@Mom22039 - so sorry for your loss. Do remember that there’s no “right” or “wrong” timeline for doing anything or feeling.

Mom had done a great job clearing out her closet of clothes she wasn’t using. Only a few remained and I distributed those as soon as she was gone. Brought some back with me - not sure if I’ll use them, but I needed them for memories. Most of dad’s clothes were donated, especially the pants. He always wore long sleeved white shirts and had a ton of these! H picked a couple and said he’d wear them, thinking of dad. Both my D and S took one of dad’s sweaters and S also got one of his watches. It is bittersweet when I see my S wearing dad’s sweater and watch :broken_heart:

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Neatmaster plugins I place 2 strategically where I used to see mice. I use it at level 2 of 3 which is highest sound that I cannot hear. Been using it for years and seems to work. We have deer mice here which carry Hanta virus- not a good thing.

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