@sbinaz I saw your comments in the other thread – I can’t believe you have lost your lovely cat. I am so sorry – I guess it was sudden?
How is everyone? My kids have been checking in often ; I leave w/DH to spend several days with Mom and help her with Christmas prep. He decided to come because he is such a good buffer (Mom adores him) and we have to convince her to spend Christmas w Preferred Sibling. The last of the estate paperwork has finished up and we are all feeling a little intimidated by 2024.
Well, honestly I am not doing so great. I’m not sure if what I’m experiencing is sadness that everyone in my nuclear family is gone or anger at the way my life in general is. My parents helped me move here and purchase our home in the late '90s for which I am forever grateful because I don’t know what would have happened otherwise. They weren’t rolling in money and it was a sacrifice for them I’m sure, but my kids had the benefit of being close to my parents and I had their help and support. I was able to help my parents through Dad’s illness and death and support Mom these past 17 or so years. Now that is gone. H lost his job a few days after we buried Mom. He is retirement age but was working for the health insurance, which I really need. This past month was a scramble to get a policy as I didn’t want to worry about COBRA. H’s entire life has been about work and now he is at a loss. So, it’s a really happy holiday season here!
I think people think I am fine. I think they believe I don’t need support but I can’t make it through a church service without crying. The calls I get aren’t about how I’m doing, but they’re about “when do you think you can xyz?” How about never. I don’t hear from D much and our S is out of my life. So, I trudge off to my job every day and put on my happy face for clients. I don’t want to work and financially I don’t have to but what’s the alternative?
So, I’m looking into a bereavement support group. I’m throwing myself into physical activity, keeping up with my weight training and running. I’m doing a half marathon in February and a full in October. Got to have a goal to focus on.
That is so much to cope with. If it makes you feel any less abnormal, I stopped going to church right now because all I do is cry when music plays. We didn’t put Christmas lights up, but we will have a tree bc sometimes I just go with what’s familiar…
Look for a Longest Night service, or a Blue Christmas service, maybe? I found one here (Dec 21) and I went last year when Dad was clearly losing his battle. It was comforting to see how many other people are sad too.
I don’t tell people I am “fine”. I say something like “December is hard but I’m trying” or " I’m here, and that’s a win". But I am not working so my encounters with humans is pretty limited.
P.S. edited to add: go ahead and be angry. How could you not be?
We are happy to ask “how are you doing”? Or “what can we listen about today”?
Your plate runneth over with changes. And they are all hard ones. And they are all ones that remind us of age and “life is short” and “health is everything” and all that. For some of us, later in life/aging/retirement things - are really, really hard to accept and deal with. And take time.
Not to mention this time of year. All the sappy sweet media around us, all the society pressure to “have a happy holiday” - you know, this one might not be that! YOU decide what you can handle for it to be.
I’m going to applaud your game plan. The bereavement group (if one doesn’t click try another) and the physical activity which some of us know really cares us through life’s challenges (while having challenges of it’s own!). Things for you. You are worthy or better things and things that make you happy.
I also hope your H can find some purpose. I’m guessing him on a path/game plan would help your personal household be a little more positive.
Post here as often as it helps. We care how you are doing.
I’ve cried my way through church services during December for the last 24 years (since our son died). I’ve noticed over the years that I’m definitely not the only one.
My maternal grandfather died on Christmas Day. My mom had four kids at the time, and the fifth was born on New Year’s Day the following year. She always made sure we had a happy Christmas, but I now realize how much it took out of her. She never really got over it. It must be so many times more difficult when you lose your child. Hugs to all who hurt.
Unfortunately, we have two different good friends who lost a child. One of them said you don’t get over or through that kind of grief. It’s a big hole that you put a plank across to navigate, and sometimes you fall back in. My parents lost a baby over 60 yrs ago and never stopped missing him from time to time.
My two sisters each lost a son. One was killed on his motorcycle by a drunk ex-GF who fled the scene. He left behind a 19-mo daughter. My other sister’s son was born with multiple heart defects and a missing enzyme that didn’t allow him to process protein and build muscle. They had no idea there was an issue before birth. He spent three months in NICU before his heart just couldn’t do any more.
Both of their marriages survived, but the grief has never gone away. There is always a shadow, even in happy times.
Yes, there’s a huge hole in our family where my nephew should be. 8 years after his death, sometimes I still can’t comprehend that he’s gone. At least my sister can smile again.
Hugs to everyone. I wrote my dad a letter today, and that somehow made me feel less horribly sad and out of step. Oldest son arrives today for a 36 hr stay and he is so acutely aware of how I am, I am trying to be okay.
We are travelling unexpectedly, but that may be for the best. In one of the biggest surprises, my MiL has turned out to be super empathetic and kind about the holidays. Grieving certainly does show what people are made of.
I am so not feeling the holiday because of my mom, but I’ve decided to talk about it to the kids rather than try to pretend like I’m OK. I hope things go well with your oldest son. My ds2 is the one who “gets” me most, and there’s no use hiding my feelings from him. (((Hugs))) to you.
We lost my dad two weeks ago and the holidays are both a welcome distraction and yet dreaded.
I have been my dad’s main caregiver, as mom is 86 and not in great health herself. My dad was at my house with hospice help at the end. His dementia really added to the caregiving challenges. My mom is now staying here, maybe permanently……so many things to figure out.
My out of state sister and her family, including a goldendoodle, were here….staying at our house, this past weekend. I did manage to get the tree up before the visit and it really was good to be together at this time. Two of my kids are local and have been very helpful, but I am exhausted, truly and completely exhausted. My grandkids and their Christmas excitement are keeping me going. Oh, and H had outpatient surgery yesterday and now has one hand out of commission for awhile. Gifts? HAHAHAHAHA
I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is always difficult, but losing them at the holidays makes it exponentially harder. I’m glad you enjoyed your family’s visit, but it makes sense that you are now exhausted. Be kind to yourself!
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s nice that your sister’s family was there so you could lean on each other and that you have local kids for ongoing support. Take care of yourself as much as possible, as you will still have so much to figure out beyond the holidays.
I’m not feeling it this year, either. I have not shopped for three of my four immediate family members, much less nieces and nephews, and don’t know when or if I’ll make myself do it.
We purposely made no plans with local relatives (that I’ve hosted for 24 years) so we could travel to my daughter, but she decided she does not feel up to seeing us. I’m stressed about her being alone, and blah about having no other plans to distract me and get me excited. My sons are home, and content to do nothing beyond playing video games and watching movies, so at least they won’t be too disappointed.
I attended a candlelight memorial service for my mom, held by the funeral home for all their “families” from this past year, and it was really meaningful. I sat there the whole time feeling like she finally got the funeral I’d wanted for her.
Last year at this time, her doctor was suggesting hospice, I was in denial about the advancement of her condition, and I was reaching out to my siblings to urge some sort of contact through phone calls or FaceTime. I’m still so confused (angry, hurt on her behalf, disgusted) that not one of the three responded. They never saw or spoke to her again. I don’t think they realize how alone that made me feel.
Many years ago, my dad was found dead (after a massive search) on Christmas Day, so it’s been a complicated holiday for many, many years.
Sending big hugs to all who are struggling to put one foot in front of the other this season!!
My mother died 10/25/22. There are no longer any efforts by siblings to get together around holidays. They were mainly geared to my mother. I tried for awhile to keep up but am now focusing on my kids w/out extended family (or partner).
