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<p>NSM, it is not my intention to sound argumentative here, so I hope that it doesn’t come off that way, but how do you know that? Did she tell you that? Or post it here? It’s possible that I missed it.</p>
<p>I think she was clear that she felt the postings here were her thing. I imagine it would have been weird at the time to know her D was reading and following and would have totally altered the experience for her. But that doesn’t mean she would never want her D to see them after she was gone. There are a lot of things I don’t want my kids to see now but haven’t destroyed, knowing they will find them after I am gone when it will be more appropriate. Perhaps she expressed her wishes about this to someone – maybe even her D. I think we need to give this time and see what comes out.</p>
<p>The grieving process is very personal, and very delicate. Part of that process, after the stage of shock and disbelief is a frequently a stage of anger mixed in with the sadness, before the acceptance and moving on occurs. There is a possibility that some of the graphic things LTS chose to share here, (the incident of fouling herself in the shower comes to mind) she may have chosen not to share with her daughter, perhaps to protect her daughter from some of the indignities of dying. It would not be our place to offer this up to LTS’s daughter. She might feel hurt that her mother chose to share her feelings with her “invisible friends” rather than her own daughter. There may also be more specific details here about her daily medical status, her doctor visits, etc than she chose to share with her daughter. While I think we all want to help LTs’s daughter and also process our own individual feelings about this loss, I think we might need to step back and wait a bit, and to honor ourselves and our families in LTS’s memory right now. LTS was clear that she wanted to help as a patient advocate, and I am inclined to agree that if this can somehow be initiated or facilitated in her memory, that would be lovely. Additionally, there is an EXCELLENT book called “How we Die” by Nuland [Vintage</a> Catalog | How We Die by Dr. Sherwin B. Nuland](<a href=“http://www.randomhouse.com/vintage/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=9780679742449]Vintage”>http://www.randomhouse.com/vintage/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=9780679742449) that many folks here might find helpful. It explains in delicate terms, the physiological process of death from many causes, written by a physician who lost his grandmother to cancer. I highly recommend this book-- it is very comforting to understand the process. </p>
<p>Our mixed reactions here on this thread are likely a reflection of our own individual appproaches to the grief process. None are right or wrong… they are just different. And we don’t know what would be helpful to LTS’s daughter- we can just project what we think we would want. For now, I think we should treat it with a little “tincture of time”.</p>
<p>I am fairly sure that someone has posted that LTS did not want her D to see what she wrote on CC. I hope someone who knows for sure will post about this.</p>
<p>I do know that LTS was very private in that she had posted earlier:
"Natmicstef, one of the issues is that many of us with lung cancer don’t tell anyone. Not under any cicumstances. One of the very first things I did in the hospital, hours after diagnosis, was organize the business people and we made decisions on who would be told (and what were the legal and ethical implications etc.). Bottom line, you can count on one hand the number of people in my world who know I have lung cancer. </p>
<p>The reasons are simple - tell people you have breast cancer; the sympathy and support flows freely. Comparatively, tell people you have lung cancer, and (with the possible exception of the CC crowd, who are a bit more erudite as a population), and it’s embarrassing. In a business situation it could seriously harm revenue and business development. </p>
<p>So no one knows. I spend a LOT of money on the very best cosmetics that can be had, as well as very expensive suits. human hair wigs, etc. Chemotherapy does bizarre things to my appearance so I counter it very strategically. Perhaps someday it will become appropriate or necessary to open the information to a broader audience but today is not that day."</p>
<p>In general, I did not keep up with LTS’ thread. This is because in June, 2006, I learned that my best friend had lung cancer that had metasticized to her liver. By the time that the announcement was made about LTS’ cancer, my best friend was paralyzed on one side of her body, was no longer able to speak, had had to quit her beloved job, and the cancer had spread to her brain. She had had the whole brain radiation that LTS ended up considering.</p>
<p>It was too painful for me to follow LTS while also being a support to my friend. My friend eventually died this March, two weeks after I was able to go out of town to spend six hours being with her while she was being cared for by hospice and her husband.</p>
<p>So, it is true that we all bring to this our own experiences. In my ideal world, LTS would have been very open with her D and friends, and they would have known about her posts here. That is basically the way that my friend handled her cancer – being as open with everyone as possible, and that allowed me to be with her even during her final days. </p>
<p>However, everyone must make their own decision about how to act in their final life crisis, so I believe we should respect LTS’ wishes. I believe that if she wanted her D to know about her posts here, LTS would have told her D or would have left info so her D could find the site after LTS’s death, something that still could happen. So, it should not be up to us to give the D specifics about LTS’s posts here. </p>
<p>Similarly, if LTS had wanted us to know her real name, she would have told us. The anonymity that she had here may have allowed her to reveal more than she was able to in real life, and we should respect her privacy.</p>
<p>Just to update everyone:</p>
<p>LTS’s D has not replied yet. I asked her if she would like a compendium of the posts. It would be up to her if she wanted to receive it or not. There is no question of sending it to her willy-nilly. Again, as far as other suggestions, it would be entirely up to her to decide whether to share the obit, the location and time of the memorial service, etc…</p>
<p>I do not wish to contact her again at this point so as to give her time and space to do her grieving and to cope with the myriad of things that follow the death of a loved one.</p>
<p>As for LTS sharing information with us and not her D, I got the feeling that she was extremely close to her D and extremely forthright. I would, not for example, share with my kids the make of the car I rented, but she did, as per the post that I nominated for best writing award. So I don’t think she would mind her D knowing about the small and large indignities that accompanied her final days. Without having met either of them, I would think that her D was as clear-eyed about life as her mom. and also very strong. I am sure she knew without a doubt that her mom loved her; but I also know that her mom’s love for her shone through many of her posts on CC; they might give additional comfort to her. And I can honestly say that in the five years LTS and I posted on CC, I cannot recall one post which would embarrass her D. That is my personal opinion, of course, based only on knowing LTS through CC.<br>
My inclination, then, would be to share this information with LTS’ D. But, to repeat, it is entirely up to her D whether she wants to pursue this or not.</p>
<p>EDIT: LTS did not want others to know about her lung cancer for a number of reasons that do not apply to her D and anyway no longer apply. She did not want pity from people in real life; she did not want the knowledge that she was gravely ill to affect her work; she was, to a certain extent, in denial since she wanted so badly to fight it and conquer it. But she did share with her D, and some of her concerns are now moot anyway.</p>
<p>marite, thank you for your thoughts. As I’ve said in my posts on this subject, I totally agree with you that her D should be given the choice. </p>
<p>NSM, I think we all attempt to remain relatively anonymous in our posts on the forum. However, every contact I’ve had off-forum with CC ‘friends’ has included actual names, including those with LTS. Her desire for privacy in her professional life did not extend to the extent of not identifying herself to CC friends in her off-forum correspondence and contact. The only reason I mention it is to give another insight into her time here on CC. I trust that Marite will probably be the one who knows best what path to take on this issue.</p>
<p>As evidenced by the variety of opinions already expressed here on these questions of “confidentiality,” “privacy,” etc., these are not clear-cut issues that could reasonably be resolved in only one way. As for myself, I’m less inclined to think of all this in quasi-legal ways - by resort to general principles, rules, etc. - than I am in terms of the particulars. One of the particulars that we have here is this: LTS designated marite to be her liaison between the CC world and her daughter. That being the case, my very strong inclination here would be to defer to marite’s judgment - which, happily, also seems to be eminently sound.</p>
<p>I have been on vacation with my family since the 5th, and returned to this post first, only to find such devastating news. Given the recent good news, I did not see this coming. Rest in peace, LTS, you have given new perspective to so many. Cyber hugs to LTS’ DD.</p>
<p>I happen to agree completely with what marite wrote. While up to her daughter if she wants to receive this “journal” and “support” thread and the tribute thread after her passing, LTS came across to me as sharing everything with her daughter and that her D would value having this. I think she was private in her public life and her work life as she wanted to carry on without pity and also to do her work to the very end and to live her life as normal as possible. The forum gave her an outlet for sharing about her illness and for receiving support since only her close pals in RL knew about it. And her D shared everything with her, it seems. I believe LTS’ D would treasure the words written by her mom during this time and reading of those whom she touched and who have written tributes. From what I knew of LTS, it didn’t seem like anything she wrote here was of the nature that she’d keep from her D with whom she appeared to share everything. Obviously it is up to her D if she wishes to receive it but I think the offer should be made. I do not recall reading any posts by LTS that indicated she didn’t want her D to read here. Her D even likely knows about this to some degree as she was told to notify marite and why (as a rep from an online forum). So, it wasn’t entirely a secret to her D. So, I trust that marite will give LTS’ this option and then it is in her D’s hands.</p>
<p>I also agree with Marite’s making the call on this and giving LTS’s d the opportunity to read these posts should she so choose. After losing my mom and also after losing another (more recently) who might just as well have been my sister and certainly was my best friend, I would give ANYTHING to have such a treasure written by and for my loved one. Of course tears may be shed as she reads these pages, but what a gift to have that opportunity!</p>
<p>I agree with NSMom, Soozie and Marite. At a time like this it’s not unusual to want to maintain a connection or to “do something”. But it’s not appropriate for any of us to project onto LTS or her D what we would see done if we were they. We’ll have to, and (fortunately) are able to, wait.</p>
<p>I posted this on the other thread this morning, but at the moment this one is more active.</p>
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<p>Just a reminder for those who may not have seen it:</p>
<p>Poster mootmom has offered to put together a photo collage of CC posters in red shoes (just the feet in the shoes). Anyone who would like to participate in this project may PM mootmom for instructions. I just sent my photo as an e-mail attachment.</p>
<p>Thanks for the reminder, JEM. I just have to paint my toenails to match, and I’ll send mootie a pic of my newly-purchased-in-honor-of-LTS shoes!</p>
<p>Perhaps I know too many motherless children who are now middle-aged adults? I’ve seen them read bland travel letters from long dead mothers and with the greatest curiosity, with tears in their eyes. When a treasured mother is gone, all of her written words are so meaningful. </p>
<p>In my experience, adult motherless children cling to every written word, searching for identity and history. </p>
<p>As for LTS dictating what can happen after such a calamity, well, respectfully, I disagree. If I died suddenly, I’d be happy for my sons to read what I’ve written. I’d be happy for them to know my humanity, warts and all.</p>
<p>Surely LTS’s D will find her mother’s screen name and access the Classic Discussion records (listed below)–where so many of LTS’s finest posts were written.</p>
<p>Things that bring this daughter comfort: Shopping lists in my moms handwriting; her notes written in the margins of her cookbooks; recipes written down in her longhand;using the same kitchen tools that she held in her hands for years.</p>
<p>My heart goes out to LTS’s daughter. One is never again the same when you have lost your mom.</p>
<p>sax, well put. Although my mom has been gone four years, I can still hardly look at those handwritten recipes without tears in my eyes. We can’t push her DD to look at what’s here, but maybe one day we will find that she has, and that it has provided both laughter and tears.</p>
<p>I have been wearing my red shoes for the past three days - they happen to be sandals, thankfully 
Mootmom, I am sending you a PM.</p>
<p>Momof3: Yep, we each have our own clock on dealing with our losses and no one can ever begin to tell someone else what’s best.</p>
<p>What is it about mom’s and food anyway? I found my grandmom’s recipe box and was excited to find the treasures within. I was very surprised to find 20 different recipes for …pickles!</p>
<p>Thinking of you and your D, LTS. Peace b with you.</p>
<p>My paternal grandmother wrote an autobiography in her own hand detailing her life in the early 1900s. That, and the holy cards she gave all of us grandkids, are among my most treasured possessions. She is the family member I most closely identify with and I can see interests of hers that were passed on to me.</p>
<p>And yes, while I am Jewish, I still have the mass cards.</p>
<p>mootmom will send you picture after the pedi! Thanks for taking on this project.</p>
<p>4giggles</p>