<p>and another (haiku by Issa [1763-1827], written after the death of his daughter)</p>
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<p>The two paragraphs below are parts of posts from LTS that I remembered. In spite of the fact that she was extremely close to her daughter, she did not tell her about CC I think until letting her know who Marite was, quite recently, so I agree with those who believe that LTS wanted to keep CC separate from her real life and we should not alter intent. Ultimately it is not our decision to make but had to add my opinion nevertheless!</p>
<p>QUOTES FROM LTS POSTS
In any event, the last thing that I want is to disappear suddenly, or have some issue, and then have people wondering what happened. My daughter doesn’t know anything about CC - I discovered CC when an unrealistic but much anticipated EA acceptance from Harvard came in as a deferral.</p>
<p>In any event, the rest of what it said is that my daughter doesn’t know anything about CC, and, it’s pointless to tell her now because she doesn’t live in this world. Marite has graciously agreed to be the go between in cyberspace and real life.</p>
<p>Natmicstef, I do remember when LTS wrote the above comments and, in their context, I do not think they necessarily mean or meant that she did not want her daughter to ever read the thread; rather, I think she meant that, while LTS was in the midst of her battle, she did not think it would be realistic to expect her d to understand/deal with the then hundreds of pages of posts on a forum so that those of us on the thread who obviously cared a great deal about LTS would not be left “hanging” if something happened. She did not want her daughter to have the added responsibility or burden of having to bring potentially bad news about her mom to all of us.</p>
<p>I remember when my own mom died, my brother and I most dreaded having to tell an old friend of hers, with whom she had just recently re-established contact, that she had passed away. This friend was just devastated by the news, as they had planned to actually do some things together in the near future.</p>
<p>I also believe that the statement that her D didn’t know about CC is not really about her not wanting her D to ever see her posts. I just think this was something she was doing for herself and she just didn’t tell her D about it or didn’t burden her with reading it at the time. But her D must have known her mom is in an online community because she told her D to contact Marite if she passed away and I am sure explained who marite was in context. So, even though at the time she was posting, her D didn’t know she was in an online forum and had not visited this forum, doesn’t imply that she would not want to share her postings about her illness and support after her death necessarily. So, I agree with churchmusicmom in the interpretation of what LTS posted. </p>
<p>It is a little like keeping a diary or journal. You may not have shared it with your child while writing it but once you pass, it may be found or read by your children. In this case, I happen to believe LTS would be comfortable with sharing the story of her battle with cancer because I think most of what she shared here about it, she also was sharing with her D anyway. They were very close every step of the way as she experienced this trial. But then her D would have it to save and also see how many lives her mom had touched and the great support that was shown for her. As well, the “RIP” thread is full of tributes to her mom would would be very meaningful to have.</p>
<p>I think the option should be made available to her D and she can decide.</p>
<p>I have been out of town/out of touch and have only recently seen this sad news. My thougths and prayers go out to LTS’s D. Losing one’s mother leaves a hole that is never really filled…My own loss prevented me from becoming involved in the LTS support thread, but I did follow it ‘from afar’ and have great respect for her strength and wisdom. It comforts me to know in my heart that she is whole again and no longer suffers. Rest, now, dear one.</p>
<p>There has been discussion of seeing her obit. I’m wondering if that will happen…</p>
<p>FWIW, I lost my mother when I was the exact same age as LTS’s daughter - my mom was also about the same age as LTS when she died. I would have wanted every scrap of information I could get my hands on – even years later, sometimes older relatives run across some remembrance (a letter received from my mom & tucked away in a scrapbook, a childhood photo) – and I always appreciate receiving them. </p>
<p>I did learn some things about my mom that I hadn’t known before and that perhaps she would not have wanted to share with me – but that just helped to flesh out the picture even more. </p>
<p>LTS worked in a field where awareness of security issues was very important, so I am sure that she is more than aware that nothing in the internet is truly secret, and she had posted more than enough online that would have made her identifiable to her daughter if her daughter had run across these posts accidentally. So even though this was a separate part of her life, I think she knew very well that it was not something truly secret or hidden from anyone who wanted to come looking. </p>
<p>Back when my mom died there was no such thing as the internet, but there were desk drawers to be cleaned out, old notes and diaries. Of course we all pored through them. </p>
<p>So I know that if I want something kept secret after I die – I need to destroy it while I am alive. I think it would be very cruel to the daughter to conceal stuff that is available to thousands of strangers on the internet. Let her decide whether she wants to explore this side of her mom’s life.</p>
<p>Calmom, I agree with your thoughtful post and you also have perspective having been in such a situation. </p>
<p>If it was totally meant to be a secret, it would not be on the internet. </p>
<p>In any case, the daughter can decide if she wants a copy.</p>
<p>I too, had to view this thread from afar. Right before my mother died she revealed a part of herself (knowledge about certain aspects of life…nothing weird) that she wanted me to know. She “apologized” for certain things. I was amazed at her assessments after her death. Since I have gone through my own battle, and have some ramblings (elsewhere) that my children may see (hopefully in the distant future) the thoughts that I have that I don’t want them to see will be destroyed. The rest will be available to them.</p>
<p>I recently contacted a cousin that I hadn’t seen or heard from in 40 years. I found a photograph of her mother which, as it turned out, she hadn’t seen. Sent it right away to her. She called crying saying how young and happy her mother looked then. When a message is sent with love, the children should see it.</p>
<p>I was about 27 when my dad died unexpectedly of a massive heart attack…no warning, nothing… this was a very abrupt experience for my mom… dealing with funeral home etc… going thru his things… and it prompted a conversation with me about what she wanted if something happened to her… she was very explicit about wanting only me to go thru her stuff. She had 2 sisters…very close… but she did not want her sisters going thru her drawers etc… I know at the time of the conversation, that I thought it was foolish…however, she too passed away just under 3 yrs later… and I did honor her wishes and I was glad she had spoken to me. I do remember inviting my aunts over to have them take their pick of her clothes, jewelry etc that I did not want… and I remember feeling how odd it all was…and decided I did not like the experience… my intentions were good in trying to share my mom…but, their tastes and needs were different and I realized that it was just too personal and not worth doing… perhaps if I had waited longer I would have not been so raw…</p>
<p>I agree with churchmusicmom. I don’t see any indication that LTS wanted to keep things from her D.</p>
<p>I hope that eventually, when D is ready, when things are less raw and overwhelming, D will choose to have access to these pages.
No doubt they will be very difficult and heartwrenching to read. But at the same time, I believe they will be a great source of comfort for her. She presently may have no idea of the impact her mother has had on people, but in reading these pages, she will see that. She will also be comforted by the fact that her mom derived comfort from the support here, particularly from the hope afforded by epistrophy’s valuable and amazing contributions, and from so many others. She will see that her mother was able, through her strength, wisdom, and compassion towards others, to laugh, to share, to feel hope, to keep a sense of humor at times through those ordeals and turmoils that could have defeated anyone else. D may see from these pages perhaps another dimension of her mom, a superbly positive one, in her attitudes and manner of fighting. She will see that her mom didn’t despair (for the most part), and kept such a positivity and hope. These are not dark pages, they are full of hope, wit, strength, grace, humanity, and eventually will, I believe, bring solace and will be a treasure for her beloved daughter.</p>
<p>Calmom, my experience was similar to yours. My mom died suddenly the summer after I graduated from college. I was in the process of moving to a new apartment in a different city at the time. A relative took care of emptying the house of possessions and deciding how to dispose of them. My dad had died suddenly a few years earlier so that link with my past was also gone. I believe Marite should decide how and when to communicate with LTS’s D about these posts, and I strongly agree that it would be wrong not to offer her access to this treasure trove. What I would give to have something similar!</p>
<p>Just something I was wondering and may have missed since I didn’t join this thread at the beginning…Is LTS’s D’s father in the picture at all? I just was hoping she might have him to lean on during this time. I know she has a b/f whom LTS thought a lot of, so that’s a blessing.</p>
<p>LTS’s husband was killed either before the d. was born or when the d. was still an infant – the d. never knew her father and the LTS never remarried.</p>
<p>Is the boyfriend still in the picture? It would be great if LTS’ D had someone with her.</p>
<p>awwww…that’s sad; poor kid…she has a tough road ahead. At least we know that she was raised to be strong.</p>
<p>It sounded like her D was in a stable, committed relationship with b/f. They both live in Miami.</p>
<p>Calmom-
Are you sure about that??? Dad isn’t in the picture, but I had not heard that he was not alive.</p>
<p>I am sure that LTS posted that her daughter’s father had been killed by a drunken driver many, many years ago.</p>
<p>yorkyfan is correct.</p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/30626-unhealthy-relationships-version-two-6.html?#post365570[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/30626-unhealthy-relationships-version-two-6.html?#post365570</a></p>
<p>I had no idea that LTS’ husband was killed. Somehow I’d thought that he’d never been in the picture, and that she had never married. </p>
<p>I definitely got the impression that LTS’ daughter was in a long-term relationship with a young man whom LTS liked very much. I remember that LTS urged her daughter to take a trip to somewhere far away (Asia?) to meet his family, and managed to persuade her to go.</p>
<p>On the Unhealthy Relationships thread (post #134) to which the link was posted, I found this from LTS. It was written in January, 2005, and I doubt this is concerning the same guy with whom D is now in a relationship.</p>
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