<p>[Amazon.com:</a> Voices of Lung Cancer: The Healing Companion: Stories for Courage, Comfort and Strength (Voices Of series): Books: S. Epatha Merkerson,The Healing Project](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Voices-Lung-Cancer-Companion-Strength/dp/1934184004/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1200609755&sr=1-1]Amazon.com:”>http://www.amazon.com/Voices-Lung-Cancer-Companion-Strength/dp/1934184004/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1200609755&sr=1-1)</p>
<p>An on-line review:</p>
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<p>[Joan’s</a> Legacy Lung Cancer Foundation](<a href=“joanslegacy.org”>http://www.joanslegacy.org/)</p>
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<p>[Lung</a> Cancer Circle of Hope - Home Page](<a href=“http://www.lungcancercircleofhope.org/]Lung”>http://www.lungcancercircleofhope.org/)</p>
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<p>Long time reader, first time poster.</p>
<p>Late to school, I admire the way you have taken strong positive action in the search for your treatment. More so however, I admire the strong young woman you have raised and the wonderful relationship you two share. I don’t know of a higher achievement any of us can strive for than raising our children well.</p>
<p>Has she returned from her trip? Had a wonderful time?</p>
<p>Best wishes.</p>
<p>LTS- is DD home yet? Can’t wait to hear all her fabulous stories!! am sure you are thrilled!</p>
<p>Thoughts and Prayers
4Giggles</p>
<p>Thank you for inquiring; unfortunately she’s sound asleep and we have not had time to talk much so no stories yet. 
She arrived back Wednesday night; I got back Thursday night very late, so, we exchanged gifts and celebrated her birthday a bit, then we slept, then she had work early Friday and I had, yuck, scans. Hopefully we get some time together tonight/tomorrow. I’m embarrassed to say we still actually have our live Christmas tree up and fully decorated - she left shortly prior to New Year’s and then I immediately hopped on a plane for Washington, so, we haven’t even been here to take down the tree. A nice young man, friend of hers fed the cat while we were gone - I was tempted to offer to pay him to take down the tree but then where would be the fun of sitting the dead tree out on the curb, on, say, St. Patrick’s Day, or Ash Wednesday? LOL. But having said all that, why are they so hopelessly cute when they’re sleeping, even though they’re adults??? </p>
<p>Thank you, Ephistrophy, for the links, I wish you were here trying to help us figure out the best possible trials! I am still reading…</p>
<p>Padad, thank you for your post, I appreciate it.</p>
<p>Epistrophy- I wish we could clone you and make one as support for everyone who is facing challenges. You are amazing.</p>
<p>LTS…just a Happy New Year greeting to you. Enjoy your tree! Who says they are supposed to be green?</p>
<p>LTS: A while back, as I recall, you were feeling confused by the difference between how it seemed, at least according to the statistical evidence, you should be feeling (half - maybe even three-quarters - dead) and how you were feeling (not only very much alive but good). </p>
<p>Well, this website puts the point nicely, I think. First, they survey lung cancer’s terribly bleak statistics (with which you are, I’m sure, only too familiar); then in response to the frequently asked question - “How reliable are cancer statistics?” - they say:</p>
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<p>[Statistics</a> and prognosis for lung cancer](<a href=“About Cancer | Cancer Research UK”>About Cancer | Cancer Research UK)</p>
<p>(P.S. If you think you need to have cancer in order not to have gotten around to taking your Christmas tree down, well, let’s just put it this way: you haven’t seen our living room.)</p>
<p>Oh, my. Your timing is very good Epistrophy.</p>
<p>I rarely have “bad” days - I have always been the first one to say that we don’t “get” depressed, rather we choose to react to our circumstances that way, even now, but, today has not been good AT ALL. My mistake - foolishly, I began to clear out a closet, mostly because I wanted to set aside winter clothes to take back to Washington. </p>
<p>Disastrous idea, that. Here is the suit that I wore where I presented the stellar business plan three years ago - that singular, spectacular, career-best meeting that led to the financial success I enjoy today. Here is the t-shirt I wore to the athletic event where we won big, and where we ate yucky barbeque chicken with the most wonderful friends during the breaks between events. Here is the long skirt I wore to my daughter’s awards night. Here is the dress I wore on our first date - how so very happy I was then - my biggest concerns being did this or that article of clothing fit right and did the shoes match…and so on…reminder after reminder after reminder of far, far happier days. </p>
<p>So then my thinking deteriorated into, wow, I had it ALL. Very few people get to say that probably but I really did. Everything was perfect and the future so bright and interesting and awesome. And - then an ER visit and a horrible diagnosis. Astonishing how things can change from fantastic to unthinkable so quickly. </p>
<p>And then I try to position my mind to believe that I can have happiness again. It is possible there will be more equally pivotal meetings, happy dates, and athletic competitions and time with wonderful friends. The numbers don’t favor it but it’s possible, and, physically I feel fantastic (but then I think so does Randy Pausch, and, Dana Reeve appeared on live television looking, feeling AND sounding fantastic just weeks before dying of lung cancer). </p>
<p>I want to leave for Washington, to continue my medical care, my career and what remains of my life there. I am convinced that if I have even the tiniest shot at long term remission, Washington is where it will happen, but if it doesn’t, at least I will be happy. My daughter wishes to come with me, however, I feel terrible about the prospect of taking her away from the life, support system and happiness that she loves so much in Miami. However, I don’t wish to leave her, either, but neither do I wish to remain here. Mostly, I am focused on how to make sure that I leave her in the best possible psychological condition for the rest of her life, however this turns out. But I don’t know how to do that and serve my own interests as well. </p>
<p>Today is difficult. I am trying very hard to remind myself of the positives and the reasons I have to be hopeful.</p>
<p>Anothermom, would you believe the tree is still green? My daughter says that is because we bought an “evergreen” - oh, plus we watered it a lot lol.</p>
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<p>I hope that this won’t seem trivial, at least in comparison to all that you are dealing with, but it seems to me that the simple fact that you are continuing to write - continuing to think and feel, and to articulate your thoughts and feelings - is itself a huge positive.</p>
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<p>And speaking of writing:</p>
<p>[Amazon.com:</a> When Words Heal: Writing Through Cancer: Books: Sharon A. Bray,Martin L. Rossman](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/When-Words-Heal-Writing-Through/dp/1583941584/sr=1-1/qid=1161635579/ref=sr_1_1/104-9055199-0913547?ie=UTF8&s=books]Amazon.com:”>http://www.amazon.com/When-Words-Heal-Writing-Through/dp/1583941584/sr=1-1/qid=1161635579/ref=sr_1_1/104-9055199-0913547?ie=UTF8&s=books)</p>
<p>Oh, LTS, I’m so sorry that today is a bad one. Many, many regards and prayers. Two things that occurred to me when reading your post: you’ve absolutely left your daughter “in the best possible psychological condition” - for always - because she has had the spectacular luck to have you for her mother. She’s so smart, so capable, and so loving - if she comes with you to DC, it won’t be because you’ve taken her away from anything she wants to do more.</p>
<p>Also, I’m just not smart enough to argue you out of a bad day. But you are, and you will. :)</p>
<p>Frazzled, I don’t know. She looked at me at one point and said “will we ever come back” - and the look on her face, she was once again four years old and wanted to be held and cuddled and reassured. The look that our children had when they were very small and about to cry. And I had no answer, because by the numbers, there aren’t going to be any more long-range choices for me. So I didn’t know what to say. How to tell her, you can return after I’m “gone”??? I simply don’t have the right to break her heart and pull her away from all that she loves. I send her to college to accomplish (in part, outside of earning her degrees) exactly what she has done - build a strong network of positive, productive, like-minded people; lay roots, begin her own traditions; get out in the world and accomplish and live. To take her away from that because I need to fight a terrible disease in a different place (for both psychological, medical care and career specific reasons) seems like the worst possible sort of child abuse. At the same time, I cannot imagine not seeing her face every day, and, I need her. My heart feels as if it is breaking in millions of pieces. I could of course continue as I have been - flying back and forth - but I am very worried that something could happen and I may not be able to sustain that. But this is what I will probably do in the short term…I seriously cannot decide. </p>
<p>Dear God in heaven, if there’s some wisdom or some higher plan in this, please enlighten me… </p>
<p>Ephistrophy, I worry greatly for people who have it far, far worse. I wonder how they manage, and who cares for them…</p>
<p>Thinking about it, E, answering email from my clients does get my head out of the scarier places…it has a sobering, clarifying impact on me. Part of it must be the exercise of writing, especially the extra caution I now give such email, considering the potential side effects of chemotherapy.</p>
<p>LTS, my heart and prayers as always are with you.</p>
<p>As for whatever higher plan there may be…you have already touched and enlightened so many with your courage and your perseverence in facing this. You live in such a way as to absolutely inspire the rest of us who would go blithely about our days without consideration or appreciation of all of our blessings. And I have to think your daughter will, no matter the eventual outcome of this, learn and grow and come to cherish every single moment she spends with you in Washington. Of course she is afraid. You both have and will continue to experience that. The blessing is that you are experiencing it together.</p>
<p>Saying a fervent prayer for you…</p>
<p>LTS-</p>
<p>I write this with tears in my eyes. </p>
<p>You say:
This time, you leave her best, whenever that time comes, by serving your own interests. What will keep her safest over time, is the knowledge that she did right by you. If your time is short, she will grieve. There is no way around that. However, she is young, strong, intelligent, competent, and she will recover. But if her grief is tangled with regret, she will not recover as well. </p>
<p>I’m not sure of much in this world. Of this I am sure.</p>
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<p>LTS - I’ve been corresponding with another CC member regarding prayers within the Jewish faith for people who are struggling with live-limiting illnesses, and those who care for them. We had an in-service at work this past week by a rabbi that provided this prayer for us. As you struggle with your concerns about your daughter, I thought this was so appropriate and hope you feel comfortable sharing it with her.</p>
<p>TWENTY-EIGHT FOR CAREGIVERS (by Debbie Perlman)</p>
<p>Show me how to offer hope.
Open Your hand with the colors of faith
That I might begin to fill in spaces
To strengthen another’s life.</p>
<p>Show me how to offer comfort.
Point out Your nesting place,
Feathered against the adversities
That wound those I love.</p>
<p>Show me the direction
When I am lost,
Searching to help,
But finding no paths.</p>
<p>Show me tolerance,
When I weary of helping,
And a long dreary day
Stretches toward a restless night.</p>
<p>You place before us life and love;
Show us endurance.
You place before us healing and hope;
Show us persistence.</p>
<p>Reach deep within me, Eternal Strength,
And bring my strength to consciousness.
Pull It around us:
Let it radiate with Your power,
Let it guide our way.</p>
<p>LTS, Alumother says it extremely well. I concur.</p>
<p>Of course your daughter has moments of fear and grief and turns to her mother for comfort. This growing up business is rarely a straight line. And she is filling new roles right now.</p>
<p>But, in the end, whenever that may be, I think that knowing that you had limited your fight for her sake would be a terrible burden for her to bear. And knowing that she had done all she could for you will be a tremendous comfort during a very difficult time. </p>
<p>This is true whether we, as daughters (sons, too, no doubt) are 20 or 50 years old.</p>
<p>I feel the truth of this to my bones.</p>
<p>Thank you for that, but, what happens to her when she is pulled out of the city that she knows and loves with all of her heart, away from her friends, support systems, job, romantic relationship, etc., everything she has known and built for herself over six years (which to a 23 year old is a LONG time), and, she comes to some strange city for no other reason than I am there, and then, if I end up being part of the 95% that die of this disease within the first year or so, she is all alone in a new city that she does not know well, and meanwhile, her “network” in the city she loves will have deteriorated, as these do when one is not physically present to nurish them. Then what? She will be left all alone in the world, in a city where she would not choose to be, except for me. There are no other surviving relatives and no siblings. Worse, she will be grieving the loss of her only parent. </p>
<p>This is what I struggle with so much. </p>
<p>I said from my first post - and I still believe - that if there is a person who can defeat this disease, I am that person. But the parent in me is wired to protect my daughter. It’s especially troubling me right now because I have read of so many lung cancer deaths in the past week or so. Another one today, a 50 year old never smoker. I am mostly struck that several of these people were doing “well” in October - Novermber and even in December and then declined VERY rapidly. A friend of mine told me that there will be a higher number of deaths following holidays because people tend to be able to hold on, and then let go. No clue if this is true or not - but - how it relates to this discussion is that my daughter is convinced I am going to beat this. She cannot resolve in her mind that her busy, active mother - who flies all over the country, goes to the gym every day, eats like a horse, isn’t tired, doesn’t even take naps or have any nausea from chemotherapy, doesn’t even COUGH for heavens sake, etc. - can possibly die, let alone actually die any time soon, and certainly not of lung cancer. She doesn’t have the concept of what an aggressive cancer can do - and there’s no reason why she should. I didn’t either until I read like a million reports. It isn’t pretty. </p>
<p>I am very, very worried for her. </p>
<p>Perhaps the only option I have is to not die of this.</p>
<p>Teriwtt, the prayer is lovely, thank you for posting it.</p>
<p>LTS-</p>
<p>Well, I do like your solution. :)</p>
<p>Of course you are worried, and we, strangers, can only help so much, though we want to do so much more.</p>
<p>Basically, this sucks all around. There. I said it. (And it is a term I almost never use)</p>
<p>I think the important thing is that it is her choice. If she chooses to follow you, knowing that she is leaving her support system behind, it would be kind to honor her choice.</p>
<p>You are right that, should she find herself alone and grieving in a strange city, it will be very, very hard.</p>
<p>But the alternatives are also very difficult. She could have all the support in the world in Miami, but if she feels that, in some way, she let you down, that belief will be very debilitating.</p>
<p>Blessings and peace to you. You and she will decide what to do next, and it will be the right thing for the two of you.</p>
<p>I remember so clearly, like hearing my own pulse, what it was like to be young like that. My parents had just divorced. My mother was left for another woman. No matter what I needed, more than anything I needed my mother to be OK. As OK as possible. And I needed not to feel guilt.</p>
<p>As for my ability to survive at that age, when you are young and able, people find you and pluck you from the crowd and make you successful. They do. The world nurtures its talent - given a few raw parameters be met.</p>
<p>Take care of yourself LTS. I feel it in my blood. </p>
<p>Thanks mafool.</p>