<p>Hi LTS, just saw the latest news. Pretty rough stuff. You are doing a helluva job and serve as a tremendous example of courage and leadership for the rest of us.</p>
<p>I really think your daughter will be ok because she has you as an anchor.</p>
<p>Hang in there.</p>
<p>Dear LTS- I am so saddened to hear of your news. All my thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughter. You have made your daughter the remarkable woman that she has become, geography is just a place that may change many times over her life, but every moment she has with you will sustain her and give her strength, memories and no regrets. And you deserve every moment as well.</p>
<p>LTS, I am thinking of you. I hope you will take to heart the wisdom of so many fine folks on this thread. I canât truly know your pain and struggle, but I can identify with being a mom and I can see the mom in you wanting to protect your daughter and put her needs first because that is what moms do. But I agree with the others that you have raised a loving and unselfish daughter who appears to WANT to go with you to DC. This is one time where your needs have to be the priority and I know she wants them to be. You need to be in DC. She wants to be with you. Of course you want her life to go on doing what she was doing that made her happy. But right now, what makes her happiest is to be with you and sheâd regret it later if she did not. I hope you live forever (though none of us can) but at some point, your daughter can move back to Miami. You have not taken her to DC forever but just for now. For one thing, she may even make a life in DC but she can go back to Miami. This is just what she is doing for NOW. She will still have her support system and if she wants to move back eventually, she can. But right now, she wants to be with you. And as a mom, you donât want to disrupt her life, I understand. But these are not ordinary circumstances. For the immediate present, your needs take precedence and your D wants this. While I know it makes you happy to see her live the life she was enjoying, this will make her happy for now to be with you. It really is a win situation that you are together. Live each day to the fullest and enjoy the time you can share. She will always have this and this is way better than having regrets, as others have said. Your D has a long life ahead of her and she has time to change course for now in another city, another job, etc. It is for a GREAT reason and she WANTS to do it. Those other things will always be there for her in Miami if she wants to go back. Right now, concentrate on your treatment and your time with your precious daughter who will always treasure these times with you. Please continue to make great memories together. </p>
<p>All the bestâŠ</p>
<p>So very many prayers and thoughts are with you. Prayers for peace, assurance, strength, faith and comfort for you and for your daughter. </p>
<p>We are all with you.</p>
<p>Thanks to everyone for all of the lovely posts, and Calmom, thank you especially for yours, as it helped me a great deal to put things into perspective. I am also 48 and with several months to go before 49. You are quite correct in all of your points, and your taking the time to get into specificity does get me to a far healthier frame of mind. </p>
<p>My daughter is asleep now; todayâs news has her in substantial shock. She was with me at my appointment this morning (she attends all doctors appointments) and she is sort of stunned and confused. My oncologist at one point said âthe cancer in your lung is GONEâ, but, when I asked to see the radiologistâs report, it clearly says there is new activity and new uptake in the lung, and, when I asked him how to reconcile the written report against his statement, he couldnât explain it. He sort of weaved a web of words to say that this didnât mean cancer and this and that, and that the radiologistâs writing was just âschemanticsâ (sp?) and that he was going to have to talk to the radiologist to clarify, however, the written report doesnât read in an encouraging manner, identifying two new areas of uptake, and literally summarizing the entire matter as âinterval progressionâ. Itâs very, very clear to me exactly what it says, and I donât see where any clarification is necessary because there is absolutely no ambiguity in what the radiologist wrote. </p>
<p>Unlike perhaps 99% of his patients I have studied radiologist reports re PET and CT scan very intensely for the last three months and I am reasonably confident that I know when to be alarmed. To my mind, that is a very, very dangerous situation, and my oncologist should have taken it far more seriously. (The decision to order MRIs strikes me as bizarre.) But I had to explain all of this to my daughter, as she was listening to the oncologistâs words, and, she hasnât read the million or so reports and documents and case studies that I have, every last one of which tell me that progression in first line treatment with this particular cancer is disastrous. And, she is trying to somehow factor this against the physical view of her mother - very active, traveling, engaged in the world, never sick; we came straight home from the doctor and (through shear force of will) I conducted a two hour trans-national conference call on technology issues with some clients, as if nothing in the world were even remotely wrong. (Amazing how elastic our minds can be.) But my daughter observed this and she isnât quite grasping the conflict re the disastrous news and her outwardly healthy, fully functional, calm and rational mother. I have explained to her the sequencing of chemotherapies, the typical disease course of small cell, and how the best possible chance to beat this is right away, and that never or rarely do results improve after first line, and that I almost certainly just lost my single chance, and, she is not really obsorbing that I think. Worse, she heard my oncologist say that there is still a chance of remission, and, I have had to explain to her that in spite of his medical degree I cannot afford to sit still and be complacent: I cannot sit still and wait around for MRIs and casual decisions and idle speculation. </p>
<p>On some level too it is simply beyond all imagination to her that I can be defeated by this, especially considering that I have enjoyed excellent health all of my life. Even today I am not on a single medication of any kind.</p>
<p>Having said that, I am not giving up - not by a long shot, although I have come to terms with certain realities. If I am destined to lose this battle, at least I will do so in the city that captures my interests so intensely, and in close physical proximity to my most important clients, and doing the work that I love more than anything in the world. I never, ever want to stop doing my work regardless of how much time I have left or even how sick I may become, and, if I die at my desk on Pennsylvania Avenue, doing the work I love so much and serving my clients, thatâs completely o.k. with me.</p>
<p>So my car is loaded and (against the advice of ALL of my friends), I will make the 16 hour drive to Washington beginning tomorrow morning. My daughter will make the decision to go with me or not when she wakes up in the morning. Another friend is threatening to fly to Miami tonight so she can make the drive with me. Regardless, Iâm ready to go; I have an appointment with my Arlington oncologist Friday morning and so itâs pretty important I get there on time. He is deeply corkscrewed into U.S. Oncology as well as part of a specifically designated lung cancer center so I am convinced this is the best I can do. </p>
<p>I also have an appointment with MSK later in February, so I can work with that if I need to. </p>
<p>Arlington is good; so that I do not ever have to be alone, two very good, kind friends are waiting for me in my rental house. I have given them both a description of the ugliest possible scenario I can think of in terms of what death by lung cancer is like, and, they have both sworn it doesnât matter and that theyâre going to be there for me and that they WANT to be there for me. For this I am very, very grateful. Many people - especially the elderly - go through this scary situation all alone (the horrid details are in the millions of documents Iâve read recently) and I am so blessed that at least I will have significant support. </p>
<p>When I do become very, very worried, I simply think of Randy Pausch, or visit his website to see if there are updates. He faces a far more heartbreaking scenario in terms of his three young children. At least God has granted me the opportunity to see my daughter through college, for which I am very, very grateful.</p>
<p>Neumes, would you believe the Christmas tree is STILL fully decorated and standing? LOLOL. I have no earthly idea when, or by what means, it will come downâŠone thing is certain, I will not be here to help, pityâŠ</p>
<p>LTS- I canât settle on which of the hundred things running through my mind would be best to write to you right now. Safe travels, best wishes, good luck, etc., none is sufficient.</p>
<p>I wish you peace and calmness in your journey and the days ahead.</p>
<p>latetoschool, todayâs news brought tears to my eyes. You and your daughter are in my prayers tonight.</p>
<p>Dear God.</p>
<p>LTS - I do hope you understand that you are granting us all here an enormous privilege when you share with us what you are going through.</p>
<p>All else fades in comparison. I really cannot fathom your generosity in telling us, strangers, what you experience day to day.</p>
<p>I am reminded of something John Updike said in the beginning of one of his books, Couples, I think.</p>
<p>He said if we measure things with the criterion that they last forever, everything, including the Universe, would be a failure for the Universe will surely end one day the physicists tell us.</p>
<p>No, Updike says, we must judge things for what they are while they last. And by those standards you and your life are magnificent.</p>
<p>So much runs through my mind reading all these posts, mostly love, your love, your daughterâs love, and all of our love.</p>
<p>I think how lucky you are you had your daughter so young; when I was 48 my son was only 10, my daughter 12, and everyday I prayed to be able to see them through high school. And you have done so much more than that.</p>
<p>I think I canât begin to understand your passionate love for your work. I love my work, but not as you describe.</p>
<p>I think itâs been years since I could wear a fashionable suit and high heels, and I am so glad you can.</p>
<p>My life is the opposite of what you describe. I developed very severe asthma at 17 and breathing has been an ordeal for me ever since. Truckloads of medications. So much helplessness; even being in an oxygen tent. Things you would abhor, and so did I actually.</p>
<p>But what I can tell you is that every experience is human, and I learned to be, even in those moments I thought I couldnât. They were are human as my moments of victory, or at least what the world calls victory â getting my PhD., getting things published, winning minor awards, teaching. </p>
<p>If the worst should happen, and I pray with you that it is years away, you will find a way to be.</p>
<p>It is hard trusting our children to take care of themselves when we have been strong and have looked after them so well, as I know you have. You are even maternal with us posters. Itâs hard for me to back off when my son chooses a course I donât think heâll do well in, when my daughter makes a decision different from mine.</p>
<p>But if we measure your time with your daughter by moments of true contact I bet it is what most people would share if they spent three or four lifetimes together. So I believe you have mothered your daughter for the length of at least one very long life time and more. She has so much love to take with her as calmom says.</p>
<p>Of course, nothing alters the pain of transitions, so there is very little I can say of true comfort. The rules here on planet earth are what they are; life makes way for life, and it is cruel but magnificent too. I like a quotation from John: âExcept a grain of wheat abideth alone, it die; but if it die it bringeth forth much fruit,â as our children are.</p>
<p>All my thoughts are with you and your daughter tonight.</p>
<p>Sitting here in awe of you, LTS. And of the extraordinary wisdom of the posters on this thread who give so generously, taking real time and careful thought, to give of themselves to you.</p>
<p>In so doing, they give a tremendous amount to all of us. And, as Alumother has said, you have given us much. And we thank you.</p>
<p>LTS, I just read the news for the first time in several days. I add my voice to the chorus of support and love and admiration for your fire and bravery.</p>
<p>Many children never have, over 60 years with their parents, the intense love and connection that you and your daughter clearly share. She has obviously received a HUGE dose of mother love-- a bountiful, life sustaining dose-- already. This doesnât diminish her pain or fear right now, but it does ensure that, whatever happens, she will survive and prosper. No question about that.</p>
<p>Latetoschool - If youâre driving through Atlanta enroute, weâve got lots of room and weâre about half way. (But Iâm thinking youâre probably going up the coast.)</p>
<p>LTS:</p>
<p>Please do not misconstrue this book recommendation and conclude that it must mean that Iâm somehow âburyingâ you. Iâm not. In fact, no matter what the prognosis may be, no matter what the statistics may suggest, I truly believe (though I realize Iâm coming from a very different vantage point than you) that the one absolutely indisputable fact here, which overshadows all others, is this: You are alive right at this moment. Tomorrow (even later today) will take care of itself, one way or another.</p>
<p>With that said, you might want to take a look sometime at a collection of poems that I first encountered many years ago. In Japan, where death is not regarded with the sort of phobic denial that it usually is in our culture, there was long a tradition (perhaps still is) of poets, sensing that they might be approaching death, writing a final âdeath poem.â The book *Japanese Death Poems<a href=âcompiled%20and%20with%20commentary%20by%20Yoel%20Hoffmannâ>/i</a> is a collection of these poems in English translation. Some are by well known Japanese poets (Basho, Ryokan, etc.); others by writers who are not well known at all, at least here. Most are, by Western standards, tiny (rarely more than three lines). What almost all of these poems share, though, is the realization that just as death gives life its meaning, so too does life give death its meaning. In other words, poems that may nominally appear to be about death are really about life.</p>
<p>Hereâs one example (by Ryokan):</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>And hereâs one on-line review:</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>[Amazon.com:</a> Customer Reviews: Japanese Death Poems: Written by Zen Monks and Haiku Poets on the Verge of Death](<a href=âhttp://www.amazon.com/review/product/0804831793/ref=cm_cr_dp_synop?_encoding=UTF8&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending#R2AK9P2WNA20NO]Amazon.com:â>http://www.amazon.com/review/product/0804831793/ref=cm_cr_dp_synop?_encoding=UTF8&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending#R2AK9P2WNA20NO)</p>
<p>Sending a reinforecement of prayers for strength and peace as you embark on this next stage of your well-lived life. </p>
<p>You are an inspiration to us all, and we are blessed to share this journey with you.</p>
<p>LTS, I am so sorry to read this news. But Iâm glad that you are meeting the cancerâs apparent aggression with increasingly aggressive treatments. Drive carefully on your long trip, and I hope your friend or your daughter is able to accompany you and share the driving. </p>
<p>calmom and mythmom, what beautiful posts!</p>
<p>LTS,
What strikes me here is that your D is living her life the way you doâŠfearlessly, and with no regrets. You canât hold her back any more than anyone could ever hold <em>you</em> back. </p>
<p>I have been reading âKitchen Table Wisdomâ by Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen. She is a MD with long-term health issues of her own, who has specialized in helping others deal with their illnesses and internal grief. Wonderful stories, not all of them with happy endings, but I find the book very hopeful and uplifting. Reminds me I am very lucky.</p>
<p>Hope you have an easy drive to DC and that you arenât doing it alone.</p>
<p>latetoschool,</p>
<p>you rock!
whatever happens, your daughter is a very lucky person to have you for her mom :)</p>
<p>All my thoughts and prayers to you and your daughter, LTS. All of us continue to hope along with you. And take it from someone who knows - you will be there for your daughter, now⊠and always.</p>
<p>LTS,</p>
<p>Iâd like to echo others in their gratitude for your willingness to share your journey. </p>
<p>14 years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer (while I had a 1 and a 3 year old) I was just frantic at the idea of leaving the children without a mom. Now, everytime we reach a milestone - graduations, getting a driverâs license, first data - I donât greive their lost childhood. I celebrate the fact that I was there to get them to this point. As they say in Spamalot - Iâm not dead yet! </p>
<p>You sounds as though you have done a magnificent job getting your daughter to the point where she is now and what a joy that is. The sorrow of the things you might miss can be partially offset by realizing all you have done. And like an arrow from a bow, you have set your daughter on a great course. </p>
<p>Sometimes, I feel a tremendous sense of anger when I think that maybe I did all that hard work (the preschool things, the middle of the night fevers, the endless homework project) only to risk missing out on some of the best payback (grandkids, weddings and so on). But then I think - hey, what would you really pick, planning a wedding or hours spent with someone for whom you are the world? The unconditional love of a kid totally rocks my world. And then I realize that I really got the payback already and whatever comes next will be nice but Iâve already gotten paid back for everything Iâve done and more.</p>
<p>Safe travels to DC. Look at the number of hits to this thread. You have a lot of people rooting for you.</p>