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<p>Well said imo.</p>
<p>mythmom, I agree that LTS is very entitled to her reactions. Even if the health care provider was well intentioned, it still was upsetting for LTS. I think LTS is doing US a service in telling us what it is like from the other side. Lots of well intentioned folks say things that they feel are compassionate but end up being very bothersome on the receiving end. None of us are in LTSās situation and she is being very open in sharing with us what it is like to be on the receiving end of these sorts of comments. The bottom line is that it bothered her and Iām sorry she felt pained by it. She is completely entitled to feel this because she is the one in this situation and none of us are, nor is the technician/nurse who commented to her. We canāt know what it is really like. LTS is telling us what it is like. Also, each patient may feel differently about the level of personal contact that a provider may give. Again, they are entitled as this is very individual.</p>
<p>I really completely understand LTSās feelings. It is probably an individual thing. I would consider it a huge invasion of my emotional privacy to be told, āThis must be hard on your daughterā or even āThis must be hard on youā. To me that is incredibly presumptuous to assume that you know how a person is feeling, or what is or isnāt hard, or to force them to converse with you, a stranger, about serious emotional feelings.</p>
<p>I am in a profession where my clients are under stress and it never occurs to me to say āThis must be hardāāwell, at least until I know them well enough to feel close to them. I do sometimes ask, How are you feeling? and I let them tell me whether or not it is hard on them. </p>
<p>My dear friend and associate is about to have surgery for a recurrence of breast cancer. This is a huge blow as she was told at the time of the first surgery that she would be fine as it was not invasive. Her surgeon told her yesterday, āIām getting tired of seeing you. I think we should get a divorce. You take the kidsā. Somehow, that seemed both empathetic and comforting, (plus hilarious, and it did to her too) and yet I suppose some people would think it was no laughing matter and inappropriate. </p>
<p>Still, sometimes people really do say things that they MEAN to be kind but donāt come out that way, or arenāt perceived that way. I just think asking how people are feeling, rather than stating how they must be feeling, might be the better approach for those of us in the helping professions!</p>
<p>LTS, I am thinking about you all the time and I guess we all are! Hugs.</p>
<p>You know, I had a long discussion with the long term survivor the other day - the one who returned my call four months after I left the message - anyway, we were comparing notes on what it is like to be the person with cancer, especially a very advanced cancer where 95% of the inflicted die. As background, he was a programmer at the University of Chicago, and his wife is a radiation oncologist. </p>
<p>The one thing we hate more than anything are the parasitic persons who end up in interaction with us. This includes persons who assume a ācaregiverā role and seem to like us best - and be happiest themselves - when we are suffering. Through their statements and actions, they almost seem to encourage us to feel sick, ill, sad, etc. We can be feeling and doing just fine, and one of these people lobs a comment (such as how hard this must be on my daughter) and there goes any decency we may have been feeling. </p>
<p>Yes, this is incredibly hard for my daughter. And as her parent and protector, I would move heaven and earth to shield her from this. But I cannot - even if I wanted her out of the loop she wonāt let me. The only way I can possibly help her is to somehow survive this disease and manage to die from something else, later. It is almost unbearable to see how she suffers. Twice I have caught her sneaking and crying so I wouldnāt see; she confessed that she does so often; she explained that she has been trying to be very, very strong for my benefit. One of these times was the night before she left for Indonesia - I had urged her to go, and she wanted to go, but at the same time she did not want to leave me. I found her in her room crying as if her heart were breaking. She was so torn, wanting the trip but yet leaving her mother. You can imagine how this strikes me. </p>
<p>And thatās before we even get into the issues such as her graduate school and career plans that are on hold. I have begged to her please continue her life as before, and to keep moving forward. I have explained that I worked very hard for a very, very long time to make sure that she had every possible advantage and every opportunity available to her. She reasons that she will still have all of those opportunities but right now her job is to help me get well so that we can have many more years together. </p>
<p>So, I could tolerate the other patients hearing my health history and diagnosis; this health professional straying uninvited into such a painful personal space, I could not. Not at all.</p>
<p>LTS: I understand and sympathize. People who are involved in the healthcare delivery system need to maintain professionalism when working with patients. This professionalism can sometimes be misunderstood as coldness and lack of caring, but it is really a sign of respect towards the patient and his/her privacy.</p>
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<p>Our Dās are the same age and stage, but Iām not in any trouble. Am thinking: Perhaps your D would break into too many pieces emotionally if she had to press forward on grad school apps and job plans right now. She is pressing forward in the most important way imaginable, and has identified a job for herself. </p>
<p>I had a piddly back operation and my D only wanted to come home for the summer to bring me meals. They canāt even breathe right when their moms are needful. You raised her with a loving heart. The world can wait.</p>
<p>āShe reasons that she will still have all of those opportunities but right now her job is to help me get well so that we can have many more years together.ā How wise your daughter is, LTS! </p>
<p>All the anecdotes about poor treatment at the hands of health care workers reminds me of a comment that stabbed me like knife years ago. It was during the infertility wars, 9 years of diagnosis and treatment, including 10 IVF cycles and 4 miscarriages, before S1 was born. After one of the miscarriages, all of which were IVF pregnancies, Iād had a D & C and was having blood drawn for beta-HCG (pregnancy test) a few days later. I seem to remember that they did this to be sure that all tissue had been removed. The young male plebotomist, drawing the blood and, of course, seeing the orders, said, āGot a bun in the oven, huh?ā</p>
<p>I hesitate to postā¦but I will throw a thought or two onto the pileā¦ </p>
<p>I really appreciate your post # 1386 LTS because I now think I understand exactly why the comment was so offensive. It was a direct strike at your heartā¦your love for your daughterā¦ </p>
<p>For me, when I am caught short by someoneās comment ā¦ before I let Mr. Anger take over, I try to pause and consider, āwhat was their intent?ā Better to respond with honesty and so, in this instance perhaps, āthank you for your interest but I do not want to discuss my family and/or my feelings.ā And then, the nurse or medical professional would know the boundary. Personally, I know that I was apalled at the lack of interest/empathy from my ob/gynās nurse years ago when I miscarried. I almost changed doctorsā¦but, at some point I heard that 25% of all pregnancies end in a miscarriage and I realized my experience was SOP for the staff. I was always glad I hung in there because the doctor was pivitol in helping me have my second child. And I liked him a lot. </p>
<p>Something I learned from Bill Cosby on his tv show, try to respond with humor when upset instead of anger. This is very hard for me, so I do work at it. I guess a quick retort, ādonāt get me started talking about my daughter, I will never stop!ā </p>
<p>I do agree with Alumotherā¦and how imperative it is to be solicitious and if you are not encouraged, then be respectful and give the patient their space. </p>
<p>I also appreciate Soozieās comments that LTS is doing us a serviceā¦ I had circled back here a few times on Monday and Tuesday because I was hoping to hear how things had gone. I even typed a quick reply on Tuesday but I deleted it before I posted itā¦ because LTS owes us nothingā¦ and I didnāt want to poke. </p>
<p>I will say that I am in awe of LTSās zest for lifeā¦a life of very high standards and the force of her personality and spirit comes across in all of her posts. I admire her own commitment to excellence. I envy it almostā¦ I know I am not already too old and tiredā¦but, gosh, some days ā¦ so maybe I am a parasitic person feeding off her strength? because I really am hopeful that her quest will be a successful one. I think it is excellent to be focused on being in that 5%ā¦cause that 95% is sooo overwhelming.</p>
<p>LTS, you have taught me a great deal. Thank you.</p>
<p>āThe one thing we hate more than anything are the parasitic persons who end up in interaction with us. This includes persons who assume a ācaregiverā role and seem to like us best - and be happiest themselves - when we are suffering. Through their statements and actions, they almost seem to encourage us to feel sick, ill, sad, etc. We can be feeling and doing just fine, and one of these people lobs a comment (such as how hard this must be on my daughter) and there goes any decency we may have been feeling.ā</p>
<p>YES! I was trying to think how to explain this, and you hit the nail on the head.</p>
<p>A couple things:</p>
<p>āThe same comment can be experienced very differently in different contexts. If this comment - the one made by the nurse - had been made in a private setting (rather than in the midst of other patients), and if it had followed a period of extended conversation and genuine listening on the nurseās part, you might have experienced it differently, it seems. But in a semi-public setting and in the midst of an otherwise routine medical exchange, it must have smacked of an unearned intimacy - one that didnāt fit either the setting or the conversation as a whole. And as such, itās not surprising that this comment would have felt intrusive, no matter how it may have been intended.</p>
<p>āA strangerās expression of compassion can be experienced as pity, and to feel as though one is an object of pity is to feel condescended to - which must be particularly galling for someone such as yourself who has had, it seems, every reason to feel confident, competent, successful, etc. How disorienting such an abrupt and unwelcome shift in roles - from being an object of respect and admiration, perhaps even envy, to being (or at least feeling like) an object of pity - would be!</p>
<p>Some years ago I went to a practice that focused on breast disease ā a top radiologist and top doctors. The practice was famous for being sensitive to women who had lost close family members to breast cancer and were at a high risk themselves. They gave mammogram results right away, etc. Women who had lost mothers and sisters to breast cancer flocked there from far and wide because they felt the staff at this place āgot it.ā I went through a biopsy there (negative) and will never forget the radiologist staying with me as I had blood drawn and how the anesthesiologist stroked my head when I started sobbing during the procedure. Butā¦ these people had been through a lot of training on the psychology of the patients and the patients knew that and had chosen to be there. I think there needs to be a lot more training for people in the medical field on how to treat patients who are going through a frightening experience. In my psychotherapy practice Iāve worked with people with chronic and serious health issues and Iāve seen the other side of the coin as well ā searing indifference and insensitivity. There just needs to be a lot more training.</p>
<p>Great post. ^^^</p>
<p>And now for something completely different.</p>
<p>LTS, I was remembering that last fall you and I were chatting about Second Life, and you had made a few visits there. I was thinking about the cherry trees in DC, where I used to live, which are not yet in bloom. And I was thinking how nice it would be to have a peaceful, joyful, meditative place in which to sit and relax.</p>
<p>So sluggbugg and I got together in Second Life and, on a little piece of land that I was not using for anything else, we created LateToSchoolās Virtual Cherrytree Garden, complete with waterfalls, meditation rocks in a zen sand garden, a Joy bench, kinetic sculpture, softly singing birds and bubbling fountains, bunnies and butterflies, and cherry trees. Lots and lots of cherry trees, dropping blossoms pink and white around you as you sit or lay on the ground.</p>
<p>We welcome anyone who has an avatar in Second Life and would like to visit. But most especially, we would be honored if you felt up to visiting sometime, LTS. Weāve taken some snapshots; you can see a short slideshow here.</p>
<p>Anyone with a Second Life avatar who wants to visit can just click on this āslurlā to be taken there. We hope it will be a place of relaxation and beauty, until the cherry trees bloom for real in DC this year. Youāre welcome any time, LTS.</p>
<p>^^^^ Oh, mootie, what a beautiful idea, and the execution is phenomenal! Props to you and sluggbug for that lovely gift to LTS! 
:)</p>
<p>I love the garden. I love the little rabbit.</p>
<p>oh, what a wonderful idea! the idea brought tears to my eyes. (now if only I could see itā¦somehow its not workingw ith my macā¦).</p>
<p>Worked on my mac. Came right up. Maybe a different application?</p>
<p>Dang it, this looks too cool. I am so hoping that I donāt open an account on second life. I can see how it could be very time consuming.</p>
<p>The LTS garden is a lovely thought.</p>
<p>mootmom:</p>
<p>How lovely - both in concept and execution!</p>