<p>OP - please listen to Cobrat’s advice, it is exactly what I thought. Please have your son evaluated for ADHD/ADD/Depression. You are not alone, many have gone through or are currently going through your situation. Good luck to you and your son!</p>
<p>Oh wow, I know what you mean. You look at a massive lack of motivation, planning, maturity, whatever it is, and wonder “what did I do wrong? Did I model that? Am I lazy?” and then there’s the plethora of advice from people who have children who are achieving all sorts of stuff and can’t imagine life with a party over a C- the third time through a class. It’s overwhelming, and isolating.</p>
<p>All I can say is that you are not alone in this. Many of us struggle with the line between supporting and enabling pseudo-adult children. I think if you could learn to verbalize things, you could feel better. When we look the MIL in the eye and say "I have no idea what happens next. I worry too. " it takes some of the shame away. He hasn’t murdered anyone, doesn’t have an abuse issue, isn’t homeless, has you to fall back on. (I see no reason to feel apologetic about that. It’s a plus, for him and for you). There are no rules, so if he does end up coming back to you, well, that’s for you and him to work out. Nobody else.</p>
<p>You sound like a good mom, with mom worries. If he wants to stay in Colorado, let him. Life is full of surprises, and not all of them are bad ones :)</p>
<p>
[quote]
. I am isolating myself from friends and relatives because it is too painful and embarrassing to answer questions about what he is and isn’t doing[\quote]</p>
<p>I understand this, but it makes me sad. I hope you can select at least one friend to confide in. It is important for you to stay emotionally strong and to maintain your self esteem. You are a good mom, but now it is his turn to be the adult Hugs to you!</p>
<p>Thank you for your kind and supportive comments and suggestions. I wondered about ADHD and depression when I insisted he see a mental health counselor when he was struggling in college. He had a few appointments but nothing really came of it. I suggested seeing a different counselor within the past month or so but he said he didn’t need one. There is no reason to hope he will follow up on that. The suggestions of what to say about the situation to relatives and friends were good ones. Telling the truth about what he is doing almost seems disloyal to him, but lying isn’t the answer. I’m torn up enough inside as it is.</p>
<p>I am strengthened in my resolve to give him no more money. I hope he elects to swim instead of sink, but he has done nothing recently to encourage that hope. </p>
<p>Thank you again. You all have made me feel a bit better and stronger.</p>
<p>I may be the contrarian here but if the kid managed to go thru all this without corrective action from the parents, then you’re stuck with him. This is especially true if he has any undiagnosed medical issues that have been ignored.</p>
<p>This is not a ‘bad parent’ issue; I had ADD when I was growing up and completely blew off high school. Thanks to the way we get into college in Elbonia, I passed the college entrance exam and turned it around overnight. I can’t blame my folks for not insisting I study harder or work harder. I’m still a bit lazy 30 years later (why mow the lawn when you can spend an afternoon playing Halo?) but for the most part I take care of things. </p>
<p>Ultimately he will snap out of it, so focus more on avoiding mistakes right now and getting on the right path (i.e. a job with responsibilities). Once he’s into the routine of working and earning money, the light will flash in his head. But the last thing he needs right now is criticism of the ‘tough love’ variety.</p>
<p>Maybe if skiing is his thing he can go back to college after a while for a hospitality management type degree. He has to see what’s in it for himself, by himself. </p>
<p>Best wishes.</p>
<p>Seriously, have him apply to work at Vail. We know a handful of well educated college grads who CHOSE to work at Vail for a few years after college. I believe Vail has some kind of housing for its employees…at a very reduced rate. Our friends
LOVED working at Vail, and they really loved skiing for free. I will say…those jobs are highly sought after so he should look into this ASAP.</p>
<p>
That was my point. Just because he’s not following a more conventional career path doesn’t mean he’s ‘lazy’ or doomed and it certainly doesn’t directly indicate he has ADD or is depressed (he might be having the time of his life actually).</p>
<p>I wonder how many people posting on CC who took the conventional path look back from time to time wonder whether THEY should have spent a few years before the career doing something like working at a ski resort, work as a travel guide somewhere, be a surfing instructor, be a rock climber in Colorado or Yosemite (a recent article in NatGeo was on exactly this latter - foregoing starting the career and rock climbing Yosemite for a couple of years), go bum around Australia or Europe for a couple of years working at whatever jobs they can get, etc.? </p>
<p>Sometimes we need to look at the big picture.</p>
<p>In this case, it appears that the S isn’t living at home and does have interests other than sleeping all day and playing video games all night. The thing to do is to give him a heads-up that the funding well has gone dry so he’s now on his own for living expenses but other than that have a great time and keep in contact with the parents to let them know about the latest adventure in his life. </p>
<p>I’m not saying it’s all rosy and that he doesn’t truly have some issues, the parents know him best, but following a non-conventional path doesn’t mean he’s ADD, depressed, lazy, or a bad kid (actually adult now).</p>
<p>OK, the big problem with working at Vail (or any or the resorts) is – where do you live? It’s actually not terribly hard to get a job at a resort, though it IS hard to find full time work; many ski bums work two, three jobs to cobble enough money to live on. Housing is fiendishly expensive so the option is to, say, share a 2-bedroom apartment (if you’re lucky to find it) with 5 other people - or commute… often from far away, and often on snowy & crowded roads. It takes ingenuity and a lot of legwork to pull it off… not a great recipe for a “lazy” person. </p>
<p>That said, OP, I feel your pain. I have a kid who shares a lot of the same qualities with your son… in a few years I may be where you’re at today. Worrying! So, sending sympathy and support.</p>
<p>One benefit to having him live with a handful of roommates (probably also broke) in the ski areas is that they will get right in his face if he doesn’t hold up his end of the finances. It might be the wake up call he needs.</p>
<p>If he is going to apply for jobs in Vail/Beaver Creek or any of the other resorts, he needs to do so asap. The spots fill quickly. </p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>Merry706: thank you for reaching out. You are definitely not alone. I believe that many parents struggle with this. It IS hard when you feel that everyone else is talking about their wonderful children, and yours is not on the same path. Believe me, I know!</p>
<p>People are right that it is best to let him figure out his finances and not rely on you for money any longer. It will be so hard to do, but the best thing for him, in the long run.</p>
<p>It is also true that many of us took very circuitous routes to get through college and on to life. He may just be on a different path himself, and one day will end up where he needs to be.</p>
<p>Please keep us posted. Again, you are absolutely not alone!</p>
<p>Yes, many people take longer to “find themselves” than the “traditional” straight & narrow. It can be a blessing, but is a challenge for the parents who are hoping kiddo will “find his/her way.” I know a man who spent 7 years putting himself thru flagship U & then drove around the country for about 6 months before returning home to apply for & get a job that he’s held for over 4 decades now. He still fondly remembers his years of school and the roadtrip; loves his job too!</p>
<p>Good luck to your S! Sounds like he will figure this out.</p>
<p>He sounds a lot like my 24 year old nephew. He definitely needs an evaluation and therapy but insists he doesn’t need it. He’s living off of a friend in a different state and we can’t understand why that friend hasn’t booted him. He’s always “about” to get a job, and he’s looking for that special employer who understands that he has peculiar sleep habits and doesn’t get up until noon. Employers have to accommodate, right? And when he’s been up all night and has to take a sleeping pill and sleeps for 24 hours… well they should understand that too. Sigh. We love him dearly but all we can do as a family is shake our heads and agree not to send money or anything that will make him more comfortable in his situation. Some people have to hit a deep bottom before they learn.</p>
<p>" If only people who only have perfect children would realize this and not look down their noses on the less fortunate in this respect."</p>
<p>Amen to that!</p>
<p>What does this child’s father say about this? Has he been a positive role model in the child’s life, or has some of this behavior been modeled to him by his father?</p>
<p>He’s been in school his ENTIRE LIFE - so why is it surprising that he finds it difficult to adjust to something else? Ask yourself how many jobs Bill Gates actually held between his LSD college dropout career and his mom having lunch with the CEO of IBM (and now he’s an “education expert”). </p>
<p>It;s not like most kids in the world, when they graduate, are walking into the most wonderful jobs in the world. Waiter in Vail means he’d probably be earning more than well over half of college grads. (I made more at 16 as a a hotel waiter than I did six years after graduate school.)</p>
<p>I suggest that you stay strong and connected to your son. Stay interested in his life and try to really listen to him. Do not let the disappointed you prevent you from keeping a close connection. Keep him close.</p>
<p>He has friends, graduated from college, is living away from home, attempted somewhat to find a job, loves skiing, is healthy and is finding his way. Perhaps the “laziness” is not laziness but in someway a plan that he has not articulated. Maybe he thinks he will take a few years off and then “grow-up” and go to graduate school or get a “real job”. Maybe he used all of his energy to graduate high school/college and is somewhat depleted. Perhaps he hated school, and it wasn’t laziness, but boring for him.</p>
<p>I have found parents of kids in their twenties to be very confused, including me. Each kid has taken a different path and it is sometimes hard to not make comparisons. I agree with an earlier poster that you may want to reply to people inquiring about your son, that he is in Colorado, living with friends and exploring his passions. </p>
<p>If it were me, I would really carefully think through cutting off money. Perhaps you could continue to help him out while you sort through what to expect from him. I would hate for you to feel badly if you are mixed about cutting him off. It is easy for people with “traditional” kids to just say cut them off. You have supported and loved him for many years, and I doubt this is why he may not be traditional. Perhaps this time off for him is part of his education.</p>
<p>You sound like a wonderful mom!</p>
<p>Op,
Sounds like he could be a ski instructor, ticket seller, lift operator while he works on getting his head together.</p>
<p>He might have ADHD, inattentive type or depression. If he sees a psychiatrist (instead of a psychologist), he can actually get diagnosed fairly quickly, following the DSM IV criteria of either of the 2 problems.</p>
<p>[Attention-deficit/hyperactivity</a> disorder (ADHD): Tests and diagnosis - MayoClinic.com](<a href=“Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) in children - Symptoms and causes - Mayo Clinic”>Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) in children - Symptoms and causes - Mayo Clinic)</p>
<p>Another possible cause is that some people, who are very smart, may get the feeling of entitlement, feeling that certain jobs are beneath them. Cheer him on to get a job…any job. Future employers would prefer to hire a person who is currently working, with a bad transcript over an unemployed person, with a bad transcript.</p>
<p>You are not alone. My parents still support my brother financially. He lives in a house they own (our gradparents’). They give him some spending money each month, and he has dinner with them several times a week. He has a science degree from a good university. He is in his early 40s and has never had a steady job. It is a complicated and heartbreaking situation for our elderly, ill parents. The problem is low self esteem and alcoholism. Since brother is an adult, and for the past 20+ years, parents could not force him to see someone or be evaluated. They can’t really make him do anything, since he is an adult. I think showing some tough love early on and not being the financial crutch may have helped earlier on, but now it is too late, in all likelihood.</p>
<p>I see no problem here. Some people don’t like to work if they don’t have to. Maybe he never needs to work. However, everyone would work for free if he finds the right task. If it’s his pride to get in a good school, it’s not your problem where he is now. He’ll be fine.</p>
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<p>Say what? Maybe if one has a really nice trust fund.</p>