<p>I’m not certain why I am posting. I know there is nothing anyone can do or say to make things better. But I am sad and scared and alone in dealing with this, so I hope maybe telling someone what is going on might ease the ache in my heart a little.</p>
<p>My son is lazy. It is the kind of lazy that appears to have made him unemployable, despite a high IQ and a bachelor’s degree from one of the country’s best colleges. He got poor grades in college but after almost six years (including academic probation and one suspension) got the degree anyway. His past employment has been menial work and he did not earn good references from those employers. He has been unsuccessfully applying for jobs in his field for four months. His job hunt has consisted of him sending resumes electronically in response to online job listings for Colorado, where he is living now and wants to stay due to his love of skiing and friends there. He has had a couple interviews but no offers. It seems to me that when the employer checks his transcripts or references the employer chooses someone else.</p>
<p>He is an adult and even when he wasn’t, he ignored my advice and requests. I cannot make him do anything. He is living off some money (not much) I gave him as a graduation gift. I have advised him he needs to start looking for any sort of job (fast food or whatever) to pay his bills until he finds a job in his field. He has said he will but doesn’t. (He does this a lot.) When he was younger and struggling in college, I made him see a mental health counselor. Nothing changed or came of it.</p>
<p>I have told him I can’t and won’t give him any more money. But I don’t know if I can let him be homeless if he doesn’t get a job. Despite everything, I am his parent and I love him. I am isolating myself from friends and relatives because it is too painful and embarrassing to answer questions about what he is and isn’t doing. Part of my evasiveness is because I don’t want other people who love him to be worrying about him and me like I am, and part is because I am ashamed of how he has squandered opportunities most people would kill to have. </p>
<p>I know I am a bad parent for not somehow installing a better work ethic into him and for giving him the money he is living on now. I am not sure I can let him be evicted next month when he has run through that money and still has no job, and I know that makes me a worse parent. I am overwhelmed with sadness, fear, pessimism and guilt right now. Thank you for letting me share all this with someone.</p>
<p>First of all, you are not alone. Many people have children like this. This site makes it appear as if all of us have wonder children. I have a daughter that is similar. Is it laziness or fear of the unknown; I am not sure. I will say I think you have to step back as hard as it is. Keep in touch with him and when he starts to complain aabout his lot in life, say something like, “Sorry to hear that, what are you going to do about it?” This is not an easy road but you can’t beat yourself up for it. I don’t think you or I am a bad parent. Some kids take the hard road no matter what you do. Hugs to you!</p>
<p>Merry, has he ever loved any job or activity enough to do a great job at it?</p>
<p>Edited to add: I re-read your post and saw the reference to “love of skiing.” Can he work at a ski resort…dish room or grounds keeping or whatever?</p>
<p>Some people need to hit bottom to know that they are indeed in charge of their own lives. It’s up to him to make his way but you keep saving him (from what I hear in your post.) Sounds like YOU need a backbone to stand up to your son. He’s on his own–and when that hits, he’ll hopefully come around. Tell him now that the money is done–he needs to figure it out. If he wants job guidance–give him that. He needs a life plan.</p>
<p>I would be willing to bet he would not allow himself to be homeless, as least for long. If he truly believes the gravy train has departed, he’ll pull himself up. If you continue to set deadlines which come and go unobserved with any action, then nothing will ever change. You might as well plan to have him on your sofa forever if you cannot muster the courage to put your money where your mouth is.</p>
<p>Out of curiosity, have you eliminated the possibility of depression or an undiagnosed LD such as ADHD or executive functioning disorder? During K-12/college, did he have problems with being able to keep up with heavy academic workloads or completing assignments on time? Was his reading speed markedly slower that of his classmates?</p>
<p>Just curious as your son sounds similar to an older college classmate…including bad grades, academic suspensions, taking longer to graduate than normal, and having serious issues holding down jobs after graduation. </p>
<p>Turns out he has ADHD after a friend and I convinced him to see a psychologist because once we learned about those two conditions from newsmedia and younger friends who have learned to manage their symptoms, it turned out our friend’ life in college and afterwards was almost a textbook case. He was finally diagnosed at the age of 37. </p>
<p>He’s now working with the psych to understand and develop coping mechanisms for it…especially considering the condition wasn’t well-known among the greater public while we were in college.</p>
<p>I can feel and understand your pain, believe me. Your post brought back a familiar, gut-wrenching. There was a time…
The only right thing you can do now is to “cut him off” as you plan to do. He simply has to grow up. He has everything he needs to succeed except motivation…he has to find that himself. Don’t say you didn’t instill a work ethic into him, you did. He just hasn’t personalized it yet.<br>
Best wishes.</p>
<p>Some kids take the hard road no matter what you do. >>>>>></p>
<p>Amen and hallaluiea and I hear angels singing.
If only people who only have perfect children would realize this and not look down their noses on the less fortunate in this respect.</p>
<p>You know, my old neighbor where we used to live had a son who was really smart, went to Vanderbilt and just didn’t apply himself. It really upset his parents terribly. It took a few years to work out but eventually the boy went to work for Fed Ex delivering packages. And he apparently really likes it, has stayed with it, self-supporting. He’s into music and some other passions and is able to pursue them and work at Fed Ex. </p>
<p>On CC and in a lot of communities parents will tend to only talk about their kids’ big successes – and there’s often some exaggeration. Over time, you learn about parents with moderately successful kids, maybe not making headlines but perfectly solid adults. That’s really good, too.</p>
<p>I agree that you should distance yourself. Don’t scream at him or lecture. Just pull away. And be sure to tell him that you are completely confident that he can stabilize and succeed. It is important to go on expressing faith in your kid no matter what. But that doesn’t mean give them $$$.</p>
<p>It looks like Vail Resorts is hiring right now in a wide variety of positions. Maybe he’ll have a greater sense of purpose if he is in an environment he loves.</p>
<p>Sometimes we just have to be content that a kid is healthy and happy, no matter how misguided we think his path is. Read some of the stories on CC and elsewhere about kids with serious mental illnesses and drug problems–you wouldn’t trade places for the world. Chances are some of those friends and relatives you’re avoiding have issues with their kids that they don’t discuss, so stop isolating yourself, and when asked about your son, just say “He’s living in Colorado, exploring careers, skiing and having a ball. Oh to be young again!”</p>
It shouldn’t be a problem. I think it’s perfectly okay if he decided to be a ski bum for awhile before getting started in a career and following convention. Plenty of people do this and in the end are fine. They might do it for a few years and get it out of their system or they might do it longer. You may be misinterpreting his actions, i.e. not following exactly the path you had planned, as ‘laziness’ but that’s not how to characterize it, he might not be lazy at all, he just wants to do what he’s interested in. It’s not the lifestyle you envisioned for him but it’s his lifestyle.</p>
<p>There’s nothing for you personally to be ashamed of. He’s following his own path. If people don’t like it that’s their problem - not everyone follows a conventional path. For all you know he might end up as an executive for the ski resort company (or not).</p>
<p>What’s important is that you absolutely don’t give him money. Once he runs out of what you gave him previously and his friends get tired of him sponging off of them (assumption on my part) he’ll get a job somehow/somewhere, whether that’s in some career or it’s working the chairlift or kitchen duty at the ski lodge or working at an sports shop. He sure won’t last long homeless in Colorado (it gets very cold there at night). </p>
<p>Don’t enable him to sponge off of you and you’ll enable him to mature and become responsible. If you let him continue to sponge off of you then you’ll only enable him to be irresponsible and immature in life. You have a parental duty to do what’s best for him in the long run.</p>
<p>Agree that he should pursue opportunities at a ski lodge, since he so loves skiing. He may surprise himself and you. Keeping my fingers crossed for him & you!</p>
<p>Don’t beat yourself up over this. I don’t know you or how you’ve been parenting him for the last 20+ years, but I’ll bet you weren’t a bad parent. Some kids make stupid choices no matter how good a job their parents did. </p>
<p>I know a kid who sounds remarkably like your son. Her parents did all the “right” things, but all she wants to do is sleep and play video games, and has zero interest in working. The only difference is that they gave her no money for graduation. Not one penny. She had to come home, and was one day away from being kicked out when she found a part-time service job because it was either that or homelessness. </p>
<p>So don’t give him any money. He’ll have to figure something out. If he wants to ski, he’ll figure out pretty quickly that he needs to get a job at a ski resort. If he’s evicted, he’ll crash with friends.</p>
<p>As for other people – just tell them he’s looking for work in Colorado. You’re not lying (it sounds like he is looking, even if it’s at a minimum), and plenty of twentysomethings are unemployed or underemployed in this economy. </p>
<p>I know this is much easier for us to say than for you to do. It’s really tough when our kids don’t turn out the way we hoped they would.</p>
<p>Merry, many of us have had challenges with our boys, particularly. It often takes until their mid to late 20’s to figure out what they are doing these days. 2 of mine struggled until then. One took 2 passes at college and finally finished at age 28. The other never did but is a manager in a restaurant now and happily supporting himself after several rocky years. We gave varying degrees of support during the rough years depending on differing conditions. </p>
<p>Don’t beat yourself up. Parenting is a 2 way street and I doubt that you were horrible. He did graduate and he’s not in jail. You get to be sad just once when you let go of your fantasy for him, then leave it behind. Agree with fireandrain, just tell people (and yourself) that you are happy for him and he is living and looking for opportunities in Colorado. They won’t know any better. Decide how much you want to support him and don’t justify it to anyone else. Hugs and best wishes, hang in there.</p>
<p>Oh Merry. You aren’t a “bad parent”. I don’t believe there is a single one of us who doesn’t feel guilty or bad about some decision we made in this whole child rearing process. Parents learn along the way, too. If I saw you in person, I would just give you a big hug. I believe once MerrySon realizes that the bank of Mom is closed, he will make some decisions pretty quickly. Like Cobrat, I would be curious to know about ADHD or executive function disorders.</p>
<p>I just now read a magazine interview with the CEO of a company you would have heard of. The article has a Q&A and one Q was to describe his family. Here is what he said:</p>
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<p>So OP, you are in good company…even CEOs have kids who are “still figuring things out.”</p>