We didn’t get married til my husband and I were in our mid thirties. We did not live together. I registered for a nice set of pots and pans that could also be purchased individually. I was still cooking with old used pans from my mother (aka: received used just out of college). Everyone just assumed we already had those things because of our age and we didn’t get a single one! People do in fact register for things they need or want and I personally enjoy the registries that have a wide variety of choices in all price ranges to accommodate all.
That thread is still around.
Hope her wedding was special.
In NYC area “cover the plate” is talked about. At least that’s where I learned of such thing, especially among my co-workers when I used to to to their weddings. D1 is also running into that at work, they also step it up depending on someone’s position at work (associate, vp, director, md). I don’t think it is an ethnic thing.
At my nephew’s wedding in Bermuda, I don’t think his friends gave expensive gifts, they paid for their flight and room, and my sister paid for most of their food and drinks.
If you really want to talk about a tacky gift . . .
When my younger son had his Bar Mitzvah, most people gave checks, which were greatly appreciated. One check bounced. I’ll never forget that family. And No, I did not go back to them and tell them.
ETA: Actually, IIRC, we were charged a fee by our bank.
My parents were 19 and 20 when they were married. The ironing board was given by a frat brother of my father’s, and when he asked my father what they needed, my father said “an ironing board” (never mind that my father has NEVER ironed, has no idea how to iron or where the iron/board could be found in any house they ever lived in) and this guy came off a bus toting that ironing board.
My son will be 37 and she will be 33 by the time they marry. They are adamant about “no kids” as at their ages, many, many of their friends have very young children and they refuse to pay for a plated dinner (that probably would not be eaten) for children. I can’t say that I blame them really because they already are anticipating about 120 guests so it’s going to be expensive. That said, it is going to make it very awkward for our own family as son’s very own nephew will be all of 8 months old! Obviously he will not require a plated dinner. But they say it wouldn’t be fair to allow him and not others. ??? I KNOW my dil (mother of baby) will NOT let him be babysat by strangers so I’m betting she will simply not attend. We are the only family she has in the U.S. and obviously we will all be at the wedding. I dread this dilemma.
" And No, I did not go back to them and tell them."
But, of course they would know. It happened to me once as well (not a gift but someone I knew socially). You’d figure the party would be embarrassed and reach out to apologize and make financial amends. But nope. I guess they found it less embarrassing to ignore it?! And yes, your bank will charge you as well.
Ideally a wedding and reception are mutual occasions of generosity. It is the first occasion for the new couple to receive and entertain/feed their guests and presumably, the guests have been or are delighted to shower the couple with gifts and good wishes. I am always uncomfortable to hear a bridezilla going on about how this is *her day, it’s all about *her, etc. No, dear, it isn’t.
“Obviously he will not require a plated dinner. But they say it wouldn’t be fair to allow him and not others. ???”
Well, actually it is. It’s entirely fair that 8 month old nephew gets grandfathered in (ha, see what I did there) and work-friend’s 8 month old child, or cousin Jenny’s 8 month old child, doesn’t get invited. Not all children of a certain age have equal “standing.” One would think nieces / nephews of the couple are more important than just the child of anyone who was invited.
Which is not to say that they are required to invite 8 month old nephew if they don’t want to … but it’s too darn bad if one is allowed and another isn’t.
@VaBluebird the only solution I can think of is if the reception is held in a hotel, get a hotel room, and have trusted people rotate in to watch the 8 month old so the SIL can at least see some of the reception. Like she’s there for 30 min, then grandma comes up for 30 min, etc. That way the kid is never there, but people get to see the reception.
I might sneak in at the very back of the church with the baby to watch the wedding if I knew I could do it unobtrusively and bail at the slightest peep.
I agree with PG and MOD. I had a childless wedding but my 7 yo niece was invited to the wedding and reception She was the only exception. She was also my only niece. There was some grumbling but I ignored it.
We aren’t likely now to want to split the cost of a wedding gift with anyone else (well…except maybe our kids…if they are invited). We did tha when we were in our 20’s and 30’s but really not something we would do now.
I like registries with a good variety of items at a variety of prices…so that there really is something for everyone in terms of price range.
I agree with PG, you don’t need to treat all guests equally. I think immediate family members should be able to get special treatment without others getting upset. My 18 months old daughter was invited to her uncle’s wedding, but other kids were not. She didn’t go to the reception because it would have been too much for her.
I would have the DIL bring the nephew to the reception. He probably would sleep through most of it.
I heard the “cover the plate” idea many, many years ago in a discussion in an AOL forum and at that time, it very much was a regional thing, even smaller than regional…as best we could figure out it was totally Long Island, NY. LOL. Everyone else from all around the country was floored, had never considered or imagined such a thing.
Re: Shower and no wedding…neighbors who are friends of the bride’s parents and had no expectation of being invited to the wedding being paid for by the couple were happy to shower the newlyweds with gifts (at a shower) as we love her parents. That said, it was sort of uncomfortable because many of the guests at the shower *were invited to both. It made it feel like we “didn’t make the cut”. LOL.
@VaBluebird - There were two children invited to D and SIL’s wedding. They were SIL’s nephews. The caterer did make them ‘kids meals’. Another baby came uninvited, but we never heard a peep from him – thankfully. D and SIL have cousins with children and friends with children. If they would have included them, the guest list could have been fifty more. The venue would not have held that many more.
Well, actually it is. It’s entirely fair that 8 month old nephew gets grandfathered in (ha, see what I did there) and work-friend’s 8 month old child, or cousin Jenny’s 8 month old child, doesn’t get invited. Not all children of a certain age have equal “standing.” One would think nieces / nephews of the couple are more important than just the child of anyone who was invited.>>>>>>>>>>
I feel nieces and nephews are exceptions as well. But they have already said no. I think this is one time where I am going to have to stick my nose in just a bit.
I personally think it’s tacky to expect folks to “cover the plate” with their gift.>>>>>>
It never, ever crossed my mind way back when. I was just so happy to be marrying him and I wanted everyone I loved to come see that happen and to party with us afterward. If I had not gotten one single wedding present, well so be it. I still have a magnificent, beautiful day with friends and family. I cannot comprehend this tit for tat mentality. What is it, a business transaction?