Good point, nottelling but I’m curious…when you receive an invitation that requests no gifts, do you always comply? I’m in this position now (huge 60th birthday bash, not a wedding and it looks like an over the top affair). The person is active in development and I am contemplating making a donation in her name to one of her pet organizations. Wondering if others always follow the ‘no gifts’ notation.
Yes. I follow the no-gifts. That’s what they requested so I will honor their request. Otherwise, it becomes about me and my desire to give them something, not about them and their wishes.
But, making a donation seems appropriate – that’s not really a gift.
On a different post:
“Coworker and/or a distant family friend or relative: $50-$75
Relative or friend: $75-$100
Close relative or close friend: $100-$150
Urbanite: $150-200+”
I don’t get what “urbanite” means in this context – it’s not mutually exclusive to the first 3 categories. And urban Atlanta or Minneapolis is not urban NYC.
I do honor “no gifts” requests, without giving it a second thought.
Yes, in effect, what The Knot says is useless. (Maybe it’s meant more to lower the couple’s expectations.)
We did a modest donation for an older friend’s “no gifts” second wedding. Several of us later did that (individually) for a her “big” birthday, too. This is a group close enough that no one “counts.” If she throws a dinner and we bring sides, no one matches the $ investment. It comes around, when we throw the dinner. Works well, over time.
@oldfort In the example you indicate with your friends, I’d probably consider gifting a museum membership or something of that nature.
I think a dinner out at their favorite restaurant or maybe couple’s spa treatment maybe the way to go.
The knot’s suggestions are too rich for my blood.
Is this for one person? If so…what about when DH and I both go? Double the numbers? Add half again the amount?
Wing it?
And who is this for? An established employed full time person…or a new grad who is working part time? Or a grad school student with minimal income…or what?
DD is in professional school and has NO…read that $0 income. So what does she give as a gift!
I think the only thing clear from the $ question is that none of us know of some standard, except within our own circles. Here’s the full link https://www.theknot.com/content/rules-of-wedding-gift-giving.
This is interesting http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/15/fashion/weddings/15field.html?_r=0
A couple of DH’s colleagues have gotten married in recent years (40-somethings and late 50-somethings). In both cases, we gave them a gift certificate to a nice restaurant.
And a “big” gift to my nieces and nephews when they get married is a three-digit sum, not four+. (Any more than the sum we give would be too ostentatious given the economics of my siblings’ families.) We also have a lot of party/wedding supplies that we’ve shared for their weddings so they don’t incur that expense. One of my sisters and I also do silk flowers/table decorations/headpiece/veil/alterations/banners/signage/favors, etc. It works for our family.
I personally think this is a very important point, and I agree it is important to take it into account in family gift-giving.
I think the urge to help younger generations is fantastic. But slipping money later (in a context not associated with a wedding) to help with specific projects may be less fraught than an ostentatious wedding check that makes reciprocal gifts impossible for the recipient’s immediate family.
But reciprocal gifts aren’t necessary. Because that’s why it’s called a gift, not an even exchange.
Anyway, I don’t understand how a wedding check could be “ostentatious” unless perhaps it was blown up and presented like a Publishers Clearinghouse lottery winner. It’s given the same way - quietly, in a card - and only the giver and recipients need know its value. This seems like projection to me.
I have a friend whose brother started several major internet companies you’ve all heard of. She’s comfortable upper middle class. He’s a whole different league. If he wants to be uber-generous to her kids in a way she can’t match, then they all say thank you with love. You don’t have to “cover the gift” any more tha you have to “cover the plate.”
Look, if most folks around you can give a $50 gift and some can give 150, you don’t think a $600 check could be, um, maybe excessive in the context?
These things aren’t always about “me” and what I want. Obviously, I don’t think they’re all about what the B&G want or think they can expect, either. But there can be some recognition of what’s appropriate, in context. This isn’t about our kids.
You don’t have to cover the gift but for me at least there is a sense of obligation. For example I had a friend give my dd a MacBook air for her hs graduation and I appreciated the thought but was very uncomfortable accepting such a gift.
I told her that and didn’t accept it. I myself don’t give a lot for a high school graduation. At most I would have given was something worth not more that $100. (upper limit) Yes for them it may have not been a big deal but it made us very uncomfortable. My parents used to tell us that if someone gives you a gift when it is your turn you shouldn’t give back the exact same thing but a little more. Well a little more than a MacBook air is more than what I would give for a wedding gift. (too much for a high school graduation) I don’t want to take advantage of someones generosity. Tomorrow if I’m not able to reciprocate the same amount I would not want to be thought of in a negative light.
Right, raclut. Part of traditional etiquette is being appropriate. Not Lady Largesse just because I can and I want to and the heck with your reaction. (I know we’re getting silly, now.)
I think the folks here who mentioned generous gifts are in a circle where it probably is appropriate. Other times, the being overly generous is a stance.
So how much should you spend if you want to send a token gift but we’re not invited to the wedding?
If I was not invited to the wedding, I would wait…and send a gift once the couple is settled in their new home. I would not want them to have an awkward “gee…why are we getting a gift when we didn’t invite them to the wedding” moment. So I would send nothing until well after the wedding.
Then the amount would depend on the relationship I had with the bridal couple. In the past, I’ve gotten restaurant gift cards for newly married couples where I wasn’t invited to the wedding. Amounts varied.
Back from my cousin’s wedding and I’m happy (sad?) to report that it was a lovely event, nice church service, gorgeous reception venue, gracious hosts and bridal couple and I could not find anything tacky to report about here.
:-*
The reality in my family is that our EFC when both kids were in college was more than the total combined income of my FOUR other siblings. And DH works for the government and we qualified for FA in those years, so while DH has a steady job, pension and medical insurance, we are not exactly rolling in it.
My point is that I am not comfortable gifting an amount to a niece or nephew that is larger than what their own parents could afford. And, yes, if I wrote a $1,000 wedding check, that would be common knowledge in short order, precisely because it is so out of the norm in my family.
The niece and nephew who have had weddings so far spent about $3500-4000 total, mostly funded by the B&G. Extrapolate that to 25% of the cost of a big shindig and imagine giving that amount as a check to an extended family member. That’s the kind of bombshell it would be. We have tried very, very hard to be low key about money in our relationships with my family. So yeah, I would consider a check that is disproportional to the family’s financial reality to be tone deaf. YMMV.
That same reticence towards showing up my siblings applied to the discussions DH and I had about helping said nieces and nephews with college expenses. In that case, we did Amazon and gas gift cards and told them we hoped they could use it for books and commute so they could use their work earnings for other needs. I want to help when I can, but in a way that maintains pride among sibs and their families, and doesn’t shine a light on me.