I think wedding present expectations have really changed over the years. I don’t recall there being any expectation of any minimum value present back in the day (when all my friends were getting married). None of us ever discussed covering at least the per-plate cost with our gift. I think we all just gave whatever we felt we could afford & were happy to get whatever we received. I think it’s so odd the way the discussion has evolved over the years to trying to figure out what the couple is spending on dinner & giving a gift that equals at least that amount. I figure if you want to have an expensive blow-out, have at it … but that doesn’t have anything to do with what I give for a present. FWIW, I do give generously … although my wedding-gift-giving days are pretty much all family affairs now … I just think it’s weird that anyone would “expect” anything (and many do, it seems).
Some people may expect a certain amount but that is not a universal attitude by any means ( no pun intended).
When D was married last fall neither she and SIL or H and I " expected" anything from anyone let alone a gift or cash at a certain amount. We were just happy that family and friends were able to attend and have a good time. And I admit that the wedding was expensive, but we knew that and it was our choice.
Does being invited to a wedding influence whether you send a gift? For example, if Cousin A’s kid has a big wedding to which you are invited; Cousin B’s kid has a small wedding to which you are not invited; and Cousin C’s kid elopes, do you send gifts to all three? Or only when you are invited to the wedding? Does the size of the gift change in those three scenarios?
Assume you are equally close to all three – maybe see them once a year at a large family gathering and have never had any particular one-on-one time with any of the kids, but have fond relationships with the parents.
Depends how much I care to outreach to these people, I suppose.
In my family, we tend to go big for graduation and wedding gifts. It really wouldn’t matter to me if the event was large or small, invited or not. On the other hand, we have a tradition where birthday and Christmas gifts are discontinued after age 18. Regardless of how often or how close I am to the kids, my close relationship with their parents (siblings or cousins) is what drives my generosity to their children. It was instilled in us by our parents and grandparents that you always help the generations below you, as much as you are able, to get a good start in their adult life.
My cousin’s kid had a wedding last month. I know my cousin pretty well, but rarely see his kids. I’ve probably spent three or four days with them tops. I didn’t mind not being invited, but I didn’t send a gift either. I actually have been trying to arrange get togethers of the next generation because they need to share vacation property and I think it’s a lot easier when you are friends, but everyone is soooo busy!
Probably a waste, but I’ve sent $ to cousins’ kids, even if I don’t know them.
I do not send to money to cousins’ kids, but I have over forty cousins…
We have been generous to our nieces and nephews, because they are getting married straight out of college and have not lived together. They are starting from ground zero. We are lucky to be able to help them get a “big” item to help them launch.
For non-family weddings, we are more restrained.
This is an interesting thread. Some funny stuff.
I’m probably tacky.
I hate weddings. I just think they’re a colossal waste of cash and a pain in the ass for everyone. There is some good to them, and I understand why some people love them, but I just can’t stand them.
I went out of my way when I was a young man to let my friends know that I would not be attending any of their weddings, and in return I would not subject them to mine.
It worked out pretty well. I only had one close friend get mad at me when I refused to travel by plane to his wedding.
I then kept my end of the bargain and did not invite him to my wedding. He has been pissed at me for 20 years now, ha.
My wife and I almost eloped, she doesn’t like weddings either.
I only invited my mother, father, brother to my wedding. My wife invited her family. We went skiing on the day of our wedding with everyone , had a justice of peace marry us afterwards, and then went out to dinner. We paid. Everyone had fun, no stress. The best part was my father in law was so happy not to have to pay he gave my wife and I a bunch of cash to help buy our first house. Worked out well. Still married 
@myloves wrote
I don’t think it’s helpful to make value judgments. Lower class does not equal cheap, and lavish gifts don’t equal tasteful.
That’s really not what I meant at all. Sorry if it was taken that way.
@myloves --I didn’t take it that way. We also don’t give, nor have family members given, at the levels many do here. I know it can make one feel defensive ( been there), but it’s not judgmental, just fact, that this is overall a fairly wealthy group. I am going to guess that a lot of the numbers mentioned here are more than most Americans could afford. It’s great and generous that people can give at that level, and perfectly fine that others can’t /or don’t really want to.
682 nottelling
I give based on the relationship, not the wedding. I would give the same with or without an invitation and regardless of how big or small a wedding. And I never even thought about it till you asked the question.
I do want to give more to kids who have less. But I would keep the wedding gifts equal and find another way to gift them.
adding: I would be very embarrassed, and worried about hurting feelings, if my young cousins/nieces/nephews figured out my wedding gifts weren’t pretty much the same for all of them. As time goes on, we just have more money and give more expensive gifts but that seems a different thing. I’m not going to give a cousin getting married this year the same price point gift I gave 10 years back. I do hope no one resents that.
“I’m not going to give a cousin getting married this year the same price point gift I gave 10 years back. I do hope no one resents that.”
Completely agree with you.
And when I was young I gave less than I gave now. I wouldn’t expect my underemployed kid to spend more than $50 to $75 on a present for a friend.
I have a friend who maybe getting married soon. He is 60 and she is in her 50s. They just bought a gorgeous place in NYC completely decorated. I really don’t know what I could get them if invited to their wedding. Money would be out, no decorative stuff for their place, and I am sure they would have everything they need or want for the kitchen. In NYC space is premium, so I wouldn’t want to clutter up their place.
Oldfort, hard to figure out what to get people who don’t have any financial need and can get whatever they want. A beautiful picture frame, consumables (high end wine, for example, if you know they’d enjoy it) or an experience (certificate for a night at a special hotel, dinner at a special restaurant, certificate for a hot air balloon ride or the like that you think they’d enjoy, etc.) are the types of things I try to give in those situations. If I think they’ll appreciate it, I’ve also made donations in a person’s name to an organization they care about.
@oldfort Hopefully, she will spread the word that there are to be no gifts. That’s typical in that situation, at least in my circle.
I agree that some here are more able to be more generous. I wish I knew some figure that was more basic. The Knot says:
- Don't Spend Less Than $50 It's a bad idea to use the price-per-plate as a measure for how much you should spend on the wedding gift -- you wouldn't give your best friend a less expensive gift just because she was having a more casual affair. Spend what you think is appropriate to your relationship to the couple, and also consider what's reasonable in your city. While a co-worker or friend may expect a gift in the $50-75 range, someone in an urban market may have double the expectations. Here's the ballpark you should be aiming for:
Coworker and/or a distant family friend or relative: $50-$75
Relative or friend: $75-$100
Close relative or close friend: $100-$150
Urbanite: $150-200+
Probably seems pretty low to some.