At the recent nephew wedding, the adults gave, and all of our young adult kids gave separately.
Thumper - it was a Duggar wedding that happened in late 2014. Jessa Duggar and a guy’s name that I quasi recognized as I don’t follow Duggar stuff at all.
I think it would be nice to give (or receive) a gift from a family that the couple will always remember came from them - china, wine glasses, etc. off the registry or some big practical gift like a bbq grill. My sister’s co-workers gave her 4 place settings of her silver and she always thinks of them when she uses them. My mother’s family gave her her silver too, except one friend gave her a single spoon and she always remembers that since there is an odd spoon (at the time, it was a nice, affordable gift for one 19 year old to give to another).
You guys are way more generous in the gift giving department than I am!
It’s costly to plan weddings as well as attend them
Within my extended family, as invitations are done by family…not individuals…wedding gifts are also given as a family.
Only time I gave a gift individually was at a friend’s wedding for which I traveled cross country to Seattle to attend 5 years ago. I ended up gifting one of the more expensive items on the registry, a kitchen tool costing ~$400 which they still express appreciation for as they both love to cook.
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The thing is, back in the day “cover your plate” was referred to by the guests trying be at least as generous to the couple as the wedding hosts were to them. Not out of obligation but rather a sincere gesture of generosity. Today it is referred to by the wedding couple trying to haul in the loot to cover their “special day”. A very sad turn of intent. The wedding industry, and in many cases the focus, has really changed and not for the better in my view.
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True.
And things have changed. Weddings have become extremely costly extravaganzas. I don’t know if that’s because many brides and grooms can now afford to chip in a bunch now, or now groom’s families are contributing more…I don’t know. Now, it can be very expensive to “cover the plates” of your invited family.
@1214mom - I think you could do either. For a recent wedding for a niece, we gave her a gift from her registry as a family. I think I ended up spending about $600. This was from five of us. We stayed in a hotel for one night. I also hosted a shower for this niece and D and I gave her a gift that day. I only have eight nieces and nephews and thankfully they have spread out their weddings - about one every two years.
For D and SIL’s wedding last year, people did both individual/couples gifts and family gifts. All gifts were greatly appreciated.
One of my nieces is getting married this month. S2, to my surprise, just ordered a nice gift out of his own pocket. Guess I should ask S1 what he wants to do. My nephew who was married two years ago had mentioned that they planned to buy a TV with cash gifts. We gave them a check for enough to get the one they wanted, after his employee discount, knowing that their funds were limited and they needed pretty much everything. Was thinking we’d do something similar for this niece.
I think my kids will buy their own gifts for niece’s wedding next summer (their 1st cousin). They are both quite close to get in age and get along very well. D will be one of the bridesmaids. H and I will also get her a nice gift, as she is one of my 2 Goddaughters. My kids will be 29 and 27 at the time of the wedding. For prior weddings, when we all went, I just gave a nice gift from all of us who attended–nicer the more people were included in the gift.
Just getting caught up on this fast thread.
Our family of 4 attended a wedding in NJ last weekend. To keep numbers under control, there were no “plus 1” invitations, so our 24 YO DD was on our invitation. (She does not live at home. We had no heartburn over this).
Our gift, selected from the Pottery Barn registry, was approx $300.
The wedding was beautiful, and the reception featured heavy appetizers and three choices for dinner. I think there were 120 guests. If there were any children, none were disruptive. The bride and groom are the first in each family to marry and there were no nieces or nephews.
The bride’s mother told me another local site would have been a minimum of $250 per person for a minimum of 250 guests. I don’t know if that was the Saturday price or the every day price! There’s a calculation for those who adhere to cover your plate!
Showers: I was taught that they were never given by immediate family. Also showers were for functional and personal items. Kitchen stuff, fancy nightgown…(should I admit I had 5 wedding showers? Italian-American and my mother’s friends and relatives loved parties).
In our family wedding gifts were for the crystal, sterling, etc. – or money.
Either I’m in a lower class region, am cheap and outdated myself, or have lower class family and friends, but we don’t give or receive gifts that are as much money as being discussed here by the majority. (It’s not the former or the latter, although it seems that there are quite a few people wealthier than I on CC, so maybe I’m cheap and outdated, but, if I am, than so are my family and friends–except my brother, who loves giving lavish gifts to close family.) Wow. Now, I’m wondering if what we think is generously given at other occasions, such as graduations, is actually not so nice, and that I’m somewhat tacky in gift giving.
Regarding children at weddings: I love them there and have never witnessed any being disruptive. I think that so many witness divorces and ugliness in marriages and it’s nice if they can witness these happy occasions. It also adds a sort of liveliness, nostalgia, and, if it’s a family event, togetherness factor to the event for me. But, I understand if people need to keep numbers down, and that’s one way to do it. I just don’t get the keep kids out because they might ruin the event mindset–maybe because I’ve never witnessed that. It just seems sort of self-absorbed and intolerant to me.
Most of the registries we have seen recently do not even have Sterling silver flatware on them. Ditto “good China”. Instead, the couple selects nice everyday flatware and dishes (think Crate and Barrel or something like that). In terms of crystal, we’ve seen Reidel or equivalent wine glasses…but no Waterford, or the like.
I asked my daughter about this. She says…when the time comes, she will not register for Sterling, china, crystal. Not practical.
Myloves - there’s nothing “tacky” about giving only what you can afford.
It’s not that people don’t invite small children because they are trying to keep the numbers down necessarily – it’s that some people are planning events that quite frankly would be boring for small children and stressful for parents trying to amuse said children.
Remember the olden days when parents would actually hire a babysitter and go out on Saturday night to dinner and a movie – and no one thought the children were suffering in any way because they would rather be playing at home than sitting for hours at a several-course meal where they couldn’t get up and run around? It’s the same concept. There’s nothing wrong with having adults-only things at times. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with not doing it that way if that’s what you prefer too. But I don’t see having an adults-only wedding as any more “self-absorbed and intolerant” as going out to a fine dinner and leaving the kids at home every now and then.
Thumper - I agree with you. I personally feel all my nice Waterford crystal, Wedgwood china, and Reed & Barton silver was a big fat waste of money for how little it has ever fit my lifestyle. I told myself for years - once the kids are grown, I’ll use it more - and here I am, retired, and I can’t be bothered to ever use it with all the maintenance it requires.
Also in the camp of only using crystal, china, & sterling once or twice each year. D didn’t register for any of that stuff. I have both china and silver from my mom, so kids will divvy up when I downsize or die, whichever comes first. They can fight over the one set of crystal, although I think S & DIL did get some Waterford wine goblets when they married. Next generation, based on my kids and their friends, just doesn’t entertain that way or have time to spend hand washing china, crystal, etc. Like Pizzagirl, I think our generation has moved that way as well.
S said one of his favorite gifts was a waffle maker and he gave his sister a Nespresso machine. He said the idea of a gift to last forever is nice, but practical is also very appreciated.
@nottelling we’re cheapskates too! We never go to weddings of people we don’t know well and our gifts have probably been in the $200-250 range. I haven’t been invited to a shower in addition to a wedding, but if I were, I’d probably spend $50 or so. I’ve never really understood the point of having both.
Three friends from grad school gave me a shower. They all pooled in for a (non-electric) waffle iron that we could use in Germany. I thought it was very sweet of them.
PG–I didn’t say I couldn’t afford it. I just said it’s not the norm for us or those we have encountered, unless one is a close family member (parents, or, in my case, a generous brother) no matter what the SES.
I totally agree that going out for a fine dinner, etc., without the kids can be wonderful, and we’ve done it a lot, even for short vacations. I still like when kids are invited to weddings, and the parents can decide if they’d like to take them or not based on if the kids can handle it and if the parents want a break. Just my opinion…
My cousin had a ‘no children’ wedding and made it very clearthat children were not welcome. I think my kids were about 4 or 5, and my sister’s 5 and 7. It wasn’t our kids that were the problem as we lived 2000 miles away and were unlikely to bring them but groom who had dozens of nieces and nephews in the area, plus the couple was a little older so many of their friends had young children. It would have totally changed the wedoing from an eligant formal event to a kid centered one. My uncle called and asked if I was upset that my kids were not invited and if that’s why I wasn’t going. No, it was the cost for me to attend (and that my mother, who would have been my babysitter, was going)
I guess it may be colored by the # of weddings you go to. To me, it never really mattered if my kids were invited or not, because how many weddings were we going to in the first place when they were growing up? Very few. In fact, the only wedding I think my kids have been to was that of their aunt (and they were in the wedding). And then my H and I have gone to a handful of weddings that were my coworkers or his coworkers where it would have been weird to have invited our kids since they wouldn’t have known these people if they tripped over them.
3 of DH’s childhood best friends had infants, when we married. My MIL had made arrangements for church ladies to be available to watch them. We’re taking a 30-40 minute period. Two wives told me that, of course, they had made their own babysitting arrangements, would be there and stay through the reception.
I think we have to accept that babies or young kids are YMMV. Has a lot to do with your experiences or tolerances, who’s available to distract a kid running around, crying, and whether you think it’s fine to bring them to various venues, in the first place.
The 3rd wife (her h was best man) said if she had to be separated from her child for 30 minutes, she wouldn’t come. She did, but left 5 minutes into the ceremony. I was aware of it when she climbed past people to get out. So be it.