When I went to the shower of my friend’s D, I bought her a slew of kitchen things on her registry because I wanted her to have them. Her ILs had to fly over from the UK. I don’t think I made anyone uncomfortable because I gave more gifts or whatever the total cost of the gifts was. We all had a great time at the lovely shower.
I really think that for the most part, recipients are just grateful and accept gifts happily in the spirit in which they are given. Yes, it makes sense to be sensitive to possible feelings of the recipient and his/her family in gifting, but otherwise I don’t lose sleep over the matter at all.
Public? Maybe. Or maybe, even when private, the issue lies in how one is calling attention to the imbalance in finances. A grandfather can do anything he wants, afaiac.
Nope, the blanket isn’t ostentatious, to me. $100, off their registry, from a relative who could afford it. Another might give a place setting, which might run high. It’s not about whether others give $25. You aren’t spending so much more.
I was at a bat mitzvah and I did know what the gifts were, as they were announced as they were opened. I’ve been to post wedding brunches where the gifts were announced (though usually not the check amounts). I agree that weddings and showers and bar mitzvahs are more public.
My niece was married a few years ago. For the years prior to her wedding, she’d lived on a beach in Cabo but she was becoming civilized after her wedding and going to live in a house and everything! She register for some really expensive things, but for some really weird less expensive things too. The relatives gave what we wanted to, ranging from $100-$300, and not really reflecting our incomes but what we thought she’d like. She loved it all.
If there are a bunch of cousins about the same age who have kids about the same age who happen to be getting married at around the same time (including your kids), and there are a series of showers planned, and the unstated custom in the group is for everyone to get shower gifts in the $50-$75 range, and you show up to one of the showers with a $500 KitchenAid mixer: Yes, that’s a little ostentatious.
If you have a group of women friends who meet for lunch for birthdays, and the custom is to exchange fun little gifts in the $40 range, and you show up with a $2000 handbag as a gift at one of the events: yes, that’s a little ostentatious.
You can’t see how your gifts in those circumstances could up the ante in an uncomfortable way?
You can’t see how it would be embarrassing for the recipient of the $2000 handbag to give you the Starbucks mug and a pound of coffee next week at your birthday party?
The ostentatiousness is increased if some members of the group are comfortable and others are struggling a bit.
Obviously, if one member of the group is fabulously wealthy – a dot.com billionaire, say – that is an entirely different circumstance.
A $100 blanket is not going to raise any such concerns because (1) it is a pretty typical shower gift; (2) $100 is in the range of a typical shower gift; and (3) who knows how much a blanket costs. I’ve seem blankets at Costco for $40. I’ve seen blankets for $500. It is not clear how much it costs.
“If there are a bunch of cousins about the same age who have kids about the same age who happen to be getting married at around the same time (including your kids), and there are a series of showers planned, and the unstated custom in the group is for everyone to get shower gifts in the $50-$75 range, and you show up to one of the showers with a $500 KitchenAid mixer: Yes, that’s a little ostentatious.”
I actually chose the KitchenAid example very deliberately, as a long time ago my SIL and I attended a bridal shower for an extended family member. It was a simple, modest affair. I don’t even recall what I gave. My SIL gave the girl a KitchenAid mixer and of course there were oohs and aahs as it was unwrapped. I remember at the time thinking – oh, what a showoff, and getting my panties all in a wad over it, and coming home and whining to H about how SIL had to be the star of the show, and blah blah blah. And as I got older, and got better able to identify my own feelings, I realized - she was happy to be generous to a family member she cared about and it was my own jealousy speaking, as I wasn’t in a position where I could have afforded $500 for a KitchenAid – and I resented the fact that I was working and didn’t have that kind of money and she didn’t work and she was “allowed” to spend that kind of money. So instead of being pleased that someone else could do something nice for a third person, it was pure, ugly jealousy on my part, nothing I am proud of.
I’ve read some but not all of this thread, and I have an etiquette question. I have a cousin getting married out of state next month and I won’t be able to attend. (My cousin is the bride.) There are oodles of us first cousins, she’s closer to my kids’ ages, and we aren’t especially close. I used the online site provided on the invitation to RSVP in good time and I ordered a gift off their Amazon registry to be sent to the “registry address” which appears to be the groom’s address, although the actual address is hidden for privacy.
The registry was limited and for all items in my desired price range (maybe in the others too – I didn’t check), the gift message/wrapping option was unavailable. So although it’s marked as a gift and the price won’t show on the packing slip, I don’t think there is anything to indicate who the sender is. Bit odd, but I went ahead and ordered the gift.
So, what’s the proper etiquette for notifying the couple what my gift was? Do I:
A) Send a separate card through the mail specifically stating my gift?
B) Send the card with other relatives who will be attending the wedding and specifically state what my gift was?
C) Casually mention it to my aunt (MoB), who I plan to see before the wedding?
D) Just assume that it will somehow be traced to me? I don’t particularly need a thank-you note (although I’m sure she would make sure I got one), but I’d be wondering who sent this random gift if I received it.
E) Something else?
Lets say you have several siblings all with kids. Some have only one child and others may have two or three.
They all will have birthdays, graduations, and weddings. Do you give the one with an only child more since you are only giving one time to the family?
Do you give each child the same amount? Or do you budget for each family and divide that amount by the number of children in the family?
Ex.
Sister 1 , 1 child $100 for birthday
Sister 2, 2 children (is it $50 for each child or $100 for each) total $100 or $200?
I hope I am explaining so that it is not confusing.
I try to budget a certain amount for each family or would you give the same amount to each child no matter how many kids your sibling has?
Does that make sense? I am trying to figure out which would be appropriate.
This gift is likely on its way or already there, right?
I would just email the bride – you’re so sorry you can’t attend, blah blah blah; you wanted to let her know that a package from so-and-so is going to be coming to her fiance’s address, and for whatever reason, it wouldn’t allow a card from the sender, so be on the lookout for it … if you see something without a tag, it’s probably from me! I would just keep it lighthearted. I think you can kind of vaguely mention what it is … “something for your kitchen” or “something for your bedroom.”
I think it’s complicating things to involve snail mail, which might not get delivered, or rely on other relatives.
But I would do this NOW, so she’s not sitting there with a present without a tag and not knowing who it’s from.
@raclut I have 2 kids, my older sister has 2, and my younger has one. I always gave the singleton a little more–not twice as much but an extra Starbucks gift card, something like that. I am cutting her off after this year–she’ll be 21–and her mom didn’t acknowledge my DD16’s 18th birthday or high school graduation, even with a text or a card.
^^This is an age-old question in estate planning. Do you treat all grandchildren equally or treat them as a unit by their parent. My grandfather had two sons, and my father has six kids but my uncle only two. Grampy treated us all the same, as one of eight grandchildren. I treat all my nieces and nephews the same, even though one brother has 4 children and one brother has 1.
It is up to you to decide how to handle the $100 divisions.
@pizzagirl Actually, and to me it’s weird but I’ve never interacted with an Amazon registry before, but the gift won’t arrive until closer to the wedding date. I had two delivery choices: expedited or regular, and the regular shipping date was the 10 days around the wedding. I like your suggestion, but I don’t have my cousin’s email and we’re not Facebook friends or anything. So it also gets a bit cumbersome and weird to get her email address just to say that. Of course, I don’t have her mailing address either, so there’s that.
But, I think I can use your lighthearted suggestion above with to my aunt when I see her, which should still be before the gift arrives. Presumably they’re in constant contact.
IABooks, I ordered a wedding gift off Amazon and the form automatically populated a note, but I could change it and did to include my last name (and daughter’s name, since it was her friend). I think your gift will indicate it is from you, but to be sure I’d just send a card with an indication that a gift was sent by the registry and you wanted to make sure she received it in good shape.
My niece sent a rather general thank you note (it was nice, included pictures and thanks for attending, but didn’t mention the specific gifts and my sister was afraid that niece hadn’t received everything from BBB (ordered from Denver, wedding in Washington, gifts sent to Montana so what could go wrong?). Niece confirmed what was received. Some of the concern is left over from my sister’s own wedding when she kept receiving gifts from the department store where she was registered which were for another bride with a similar name. Mistakes happen.
Thanks to so many for sharing different perspectives. I’m learning a lot.
@Pizzagirl - I think the bride will be thrilled to receive your thoughtful and generous gift.
@raclut - I gave the same for birthdays, Christmas, and graduation to each niece and nephew. I believe I gave gifts to each through college graduation. Most of them now make more money than I do…
I’m thinking that every family has a different way of giving and receiving gifts. I was taught to graciously accept a gift, appreciate that the gift giver wanted to give the gift, and to write a thank you note. I was taught that you give a gift because you want to and you give what you can/want. When H and I were first married, we gave wedding gifts in the $50-$100 range. Now that our kids our grown, and our tuition paying days are done, we give wedding gifts in the $200-$400 range. The example I gave earlier, in response to 1214mom’s question, was a family wedding gift around $600.
D was married about one year ago. Some guests simply celebrated with them and did not send a gift. D felt that was just fine, as do I. Other guests sent lovely gifts, gift cards, or cards with checks. There were no ‘five-figure gifts’, but there were many gifts that were extremely generous. Very few people brought cards or gifts to the wedding reception and there was no way anyone would know what anyone else gave. The only reason I knew details was because I would ask what the FedEx/UPS/USPS delivery team brought whenever I was at D’s house. It was fun for me to see everything. All gifts were greatly appreciated and thank you notes were written promptly.
Thanks @kandcmom and @twoinanddone
I trying to think ahead going forward what to do so that I am consistent in giving.
For example I have one sibling with two kids who didn’t give anything to my dd this year but I still sent them checks for their birthday. The other two siblings did send something too. My child is the eldest so she likes to send something to all the cousins since they are younger. (she is the big sister to all of them)
My concern is do you treat each relationship the same or differently based on give and take.
I feel I should gift everyone the same amount. Just thinking ahead to graduations, sweet 16’s, weddings.
Thanks @twoinanddone I decided it says the gift note option is unavailable because the gift must be from a third party vendor? I didn’t see Amazon’s usual note about that, but I may have missed it.
I don’t want to be overly formal, since the couple chose to provide only online options for RSVPing and purchasing registry gifts. (I did convey my best wishes and regrets on the RSVP form of course.) But I agree, mistakes happen, and she may wonder what the heck happened when she opens several unattributed gifts.
@Pizzagirl – the issue with the $500 KitchenAid for me arises when it is time to reciprocate. Obviously, no one is keeping score, but it is human nature AS THE RECIPIENT to think about the gifts you’ve received when it comes time to reciprocate.
Surely you understand that and are subject to the same feelings yourself. Indeed, I vaguely recall a thread you started asking for suggestions for a personal and special bar mitzvah gift for a distant relative’s kid. In the thread, you mentioned the gift that the distant relative had given your kid a decade prior, and implied that was influencing your thought process. (I think that was you; apologies if I’ve gotten that wrong). If you are thinking about the gifts your kids got TEN YEARS ago in deciding on what to give today, surely you can understand that the mother of the recipient of the KitchenAid mixer that you (hypothetically) gave is going to think twice about giving your kid a couple of dish towels and wooden spoons at your kid’s shower a couple of months later. You as the giver of the mixer may not care, but the disparity will likely bother the recipient of the mixer who is giving the tea towels.
That’s why people set price limits for Secret Santa exchanges or try to get a sense of the level of gifts before showing up for the first time at an inlaw’s holiday event.
Let’s say you and your brother are in identical financial conditions -/- comfortably well off but not rich.
Assume your kid is graduating in May and your brother’s kid is graduating in June.
Graduation presents have never been a thing with you, so you intend to send your nephew your usual gift – a check for $25 and a hearty congratulations.
But, lo and behold, in May, your sister-in-law sends your kid a check for $1000.
Aren’t you going to have at least the teensiest, tinsiest twinge of embarassment or second-guessing yourself when you put the $25 check in the mail a month later? Wouldn’t you up the amount at least a little (or consider doing so)? Wouldn’t you be just a little bit annoyed with your sister-in-law?
Assume you could afford $1000 just fine, but it is not your custom to give large sums for graduations.
Fair enough, nottelling. That was my half-sister’s kids - and I’ve met her maybe 4 - 5 times in my life (we didn’t meet til we were adults) so it’s an out of the ordinary situation.
I think the difference is, for those of us with small families, these events are so few and far between that it’s not “KitchenAid today, tea towels next month.”
