I gave my niece, the first of her generation to graduate from college, a very generous college graduation gift…because I could. Her mom didn’t give my kids gifts at all. So what? My sister treats my kids to other things when they are in her town. That is just as special to them as a one time graduation gift of any amount.
I can see how these situations can get somewhat awkward, even if they aren’t meant to be. When intentions are good, we just try not to overthink and make ourselves crazy. We often honestly can’t remember what we gave for prior graduations / baby gifts / weddings, etc.
Nottelling - my nephew is a year older than my kids. We gave my nephew $300 for his bar mitzvah. Eight months later, my SIL/BIL gave my kids $500 apiece for theirs. I took it at face value - that’s what they wanted to give.
The day my kids got into their colleges (same day - early decision) my SIL called both schools and had sweatshirts sent to my kids to celebrate. I had never done anything like that for her kids. Again, face value - it was just a nice thing to do.
My nephew went to Princeton where I frequently went on business trips. Since I knew the town, I bought a bunch of little gift cards for coffee shops, ice cream shops, etc and presented them to him before he went off. No one did that for my kids. That’s ok. I did it because it was fun for me to put together this little package.
It just can’t always be tit for tat.
True it doesn’t have to be tit for tat. But if a major event isn’t even acknowledged it’s hard not for it to sting.
I gave generously to nieces and nephews college graduations because I consider it a major accomplishment. I wasn’t looking for 10% of one of those gifts to make it back to DDs pocket. I would have been happy with a Facebook shout-out, but she didn’t even get that despite graduating with high honors and a double major.
My mother knew she and my father would not live to see her graduation. While she was still in high school they gave me a card to give to her upon graduation. I picked it up from the safety deposit box today.
Back to tacky.
My bridesmaid’s date arrived in a suit and bare feet. No he didn’t kick off his shoes to dance. He arrived with bare feet.
She left with someone else.
MaterS - that’s so sweet that you have that card. How meaningful.
Here’s tacky - one of my friends who was a bridesmaid in my wedding brought her boyfriend (he was invited, we all knew him). She developed a mad crush on one of the groomsmen that she met that night (he was adorable but still) and basically ignored her guy and flirted with him all night. It just wasn’t cool. Our other friends tried to gently get her to stop chasing after this guy but it was pretty obvious. Not good behavior!!
Regarding extended family gifts, I only have one “branch” or whatever of family that lives close to us. We traditionally get bday and Christmas gifts for each adult and “kid” (they are actually all adults now). We usually spend the holidays together (either T-day or Xmas, sometimes both). The kid limit is similar, even though we have 3 and they have 2. I typically spend more for the adults than vice versa. Sometimes they get nicer gifts, but sometimes not so much. It really just depends on what they ask for and what I see that makes me think of them. They also do more meals at their house than we do, and you can’t put a price on that.
For the rest of the family, that doesn’t live close, I only buy things sporadically.
We don’t exchange gifts at all with my H’s side for bdays, etc. Only for a big thing like a bar mitzvah, graduation, wedding. They just aren’t gifters. In the early days of my marriage I was very serious about getting just the right gift for everybody and getting my Xmas shopping done by early Dec. I could tell that my bday and Xmas presents from them were purchased either the day before or on the way over (from gift receipts) and I would cry over it and complain to H that it was hurtful that they thought so little of me. I finally had to grow up and just reset my expectations and not project onto other people. That’s how they do things. They would buy a gift on the way to the party. I had to learn it wasn’t right or wrong. Just different.
PG, I feel for you. My cousin gets me gifts she would like, 3x for a facial, tho I told her I dislike them, etc. it’s been 2 years since I have yet to receive my last Channukah/birthday missed gift. I don’t care. She has parties for all the holidays. She is there for me if I want to talk. Gifts feel meaningless.
My others cousin’s wife called me before my son graduated college. I told her to send the gift to our house, as he would be here a few weeks before job. Nothing came. Thankfully, I never mentioned this to my son, as she had 3 kids. Two were older than son, but hadn’t yet graduated. I felt no obligation to send 3 gifts. I did send a check to one who married, but no thank you note. The check was cashed.
I love buying personal cards and gifts. I expect nothing in return. My son also does his best to be sensitive. Same with my sister. I guess it all goes back to my mom, she really tried to please. One example. My sis was in college, and I would be starting. We found she had bought us both robes. The navy with white dots and red lining was great. The red, which was too orangey, was not. My sister and I chatted about how we both loved various shades of red, but not the orangey-red. At hannukah, we both opened to find the gorgeous navy robes. My sweet mom clearly had exchanged the red robe and made us both happy. I wore that robe until the lining was frayed.
I appreciate the different viewpoints on this thread as it opens my eyes to the wisdom gained by others from experience. I love shopping for others. Finding the perfect card, the prettiest gift wrap, and finding the perfect gift for that special person. Maybe I put too much thought into it and it is my fault. As the eldest I have always felt the responsibility of doing for all the younger ones. I don’t expect an equivalent gift in return but what I find really tacky is when you give a gift for an occasion and the receiver doesn’t even acknowledge receiving it. Just a call would be appreciated. I don’t see people taking the time to say thank you anymore. I feel this is something as parents we need to teach our kids. Taking a few minutes to write a thank you card goes a long way in making a great impression in my book. It shows some regard for something you were given with blessings. Showing compassion and gratitude seems to be getting lost.
Gifting is a “love language” for some people. Sounds like it is for you, raclut!
We have always gifted all the nieces and nephews equally. It doesn’t matter that some siblings have 2 and some have 3 kids.
I am in a better financial position than my sisters and do sometimes struggle with wanting to gift more than I know they may find comfortable. I now try to keep gifts within a reasonable range and find other ways to give throughout the year.
@pizzagirl One of my first jobs in college was working in a department store called,“Hechts.” I learned how to make all the bows and wrap all shapes of presents for our customers to give as gifts. I don’t think gift bags were a thing then.
I wrap the covers (lids) of the boxes so that they can be reused. At that time stores used to give out gift boxes with purchases freely. Now I hear some stores charge for boxes.
I’m another who gifts nieces and nephews equally with no factoring in how many kids my siblings have. It’s a gift from me to each child not their families. I have several siblings and quality of my relationships with them run the gamut. My gifts to my nieces and nephews are gifts to them as individuals. None of my siblings gave my kids graduation gifts for HS or college and very, very rarely give birthday gifts to my kids. I still give gifts for each event to my nieces and nephews. I don’t judge the relationships I have with their parents into the way I treat or gift them. They are their own individuals.
@doschicos Well thought out!
That is a very sweet story about the robes, bookworm! I could see people in my family doing that, too.
Thanks, QM. It was one of the rare occasions we found our gifts before they were wrapped.
It’s interesting reading this thread. It seems very few people have a tit for tat mentality.
The KitchenAid mixers are currently $248 on Amazon Prime! A very reasonable and non-ostentatious gift!
@IABooks : This happened to me once and, IIRC, I was surprised that Amazon included mention of whom the gift was from in the package.
Call Amazon and see if that’s what happens.
I’m a little late here on the how much to spend on a gift discussion , but I have a story…
When H and I got married (at age 23), H’s cousin “Charlie” sent a lovely card with a very generous check. I thought “how nice” but both H and MIL were appalled that Charlie (who is our age and at the time in school and working part time) would send so much.They were not sure we should even accept the check. The cousins had not grown up together and they questioned why Charlie would do this. I figured he just wanted to.Now over 30 years later, we have had a lot of opportunities to spend time with Charlie and his family (he married a few years later, kids close in age to ours) and we are quite close. He is still extremely generous and has been very successful financially. We have also found out that he has always been this way. He is simply a person who has a very giving nature. So glad we cashed that check!