I know it’s an older thing to invite some only to the ceremony, but it has been viewed as in questionable taste for a long, long time, the implication being that you do not care enough about them to wish to bear the cost of entertaining them.
If the B&G want to marry in a venue that would only accommodate close family and the bridal party, that would not seem like a problem to me. It’s the half and half situation that I would find uncomfortable. In the situation described, they could invite fewer than 100 to the ceremony, of course. YMMV.
I agree that it is not nice to invite only half the guests to the ceremony. I’d encourage them to find a different venue for the ceremony that accommodates all the guests.
Interestingly, inviting only a fraction of the guests to the ceremony is not outside the bounds of traditional etiquette, however. I remember reading in really old Emily Post books about how to handle that situation. Emily Post instructed that the main invitation would be to the reception and a separate ceremony card would be tucked in for those invited to the ceremony.
The whole tradition of having separate cards for the ceremony and reception in invitations arose because traditionally it wasn’t a given that everyone would be invited to both events. In contemporary times, it is expected that everyone would be invited to both but that wasn’t always the rule.
My husband and I were invited to a wedding reception last fall for a couple that we knew from our summer camp. We were good friends during the years that our boys were in middle school but rarely see them now. We had no clue from the invitation if/when/ where the wedding was. We learned from the people at our table that the wedding was at an outdoor location that was difficult to get to and not appropriate for 200 people so only a few were invited to the wedding (we were sitting with the bride’s stepsister who wasn’t at the wedding). It seemed a little strange to me but I don’t think most people minded. Like to witness the ceremony but many just like to party.
Back to strapless gowns: they require a lot of from-below architecture and most young women have no experience of wearing the kind of boning and corsetry required. My mother had s several strapless formal dresses from her 1950s youth which we used to play dress up in. She had a “merry widow” that she would wear underneath. That’s why those dresses looked good. They are so alien, though to what 99% of women wear nowadays that they look awkward a lot of the time (uncomfortable bridesmaids constantly yanking up bodices, etc.) There is an art to wearing strapless gowns well.
Agree about 100. Would we be more comfortable if they only invited family and a handful of the B and G’s closest friends? Or would those other guests’ noses still go out of joint? Just asking. It’s really the couple’s call, afaiac.
The Ask Amy column in today’s LA Times was about destination weddings. (Sorry, can’t find it online).
Basically a woman wanted to attend her godchild’s wedding but it was far away and she could not afford to attend. Amy said she had had a destination wedding but on reflection now she thought it was selfish.
Having a wedding away from one’s hometown, on a Caribbean island or in Hawaii, and then inviting people you know won’t be able to attend (either for financial reasons or because of old age or disability) is just tacky. It’s just a way to get gifts and not have to pay for another seat at the reception dinner. If you want to marry in Hawaii, go and get married there, but then have a reception in the hometown.
My M-i-L was invited to her grandson’s wedding at a ritzy resort but a distance away. She is in a wheelchair and would have had to have my H take her there. She couldn’t travel by herself. Thing was H was not invited to his nephew’s wedding, so he would have had to sit outside while the wedding and reception were going on. Tacky.
@consolation I wondered about releasing love birds off to become hawk food as well. It seems that companies rent these birds, who are trained to return to a certain cage/location or what not to be collected and re-used. But whoever the handlers were that day – didn’t do their job!
I disagree. I’ve never been to a destination wedding, nor been invited to one. But I feel that, if the couple wants to get married on the top of K2 or on a beach in Bali, that’s their call entirely. I don’t feel they have a right to expect a crowd, nor do they have a right to expect people to send gifts to a wedding they don’t attend. Perhaps it would be better simply to send wedding announcements to folks they suspect would resent receiving an invitation - but inevitably those folks would consider the announcement to be fishing for gifts as well. And be put out not to receive either an invitation or an announcement, in many cases.
Whose hometown are we talking about here, anyway? My kids haven’t lived in my town for nearly a decade. They’ve never lived in the town where I was born and where several grandparents and older relatives still live. But what about the groom’s hometown? In the case of my d3, that’s 6 hours away from her hometown. If the primary consideration is that relatives in their 80s be able to attend, someone’s elderly family members will be out of luck in any case.
It’s a wedding invitation, not a summons. You can’t go, don’t want to go, don’t really like the couple, think it’s too far/too expensive/too much of an imposition, think they’re too tacky, why not just decline the invitation? Ditto about the gift.
Consolation, despite Emily Post, I still think some choices can depend on where one is, the local customs.
And agree about having that destination ceremony, but considering another celebration/party/reception more reasonable for the guests (whom you presumably so value) to get to. Even a freaking small dinner, if you want the inclusion. (This has been discussed about college graduations, where aged relatives and some family friends were invited to something marking the occasion, without requiring travel or $.)
It’s not that hard to say to yourself, I really want to get married in Tahiti and I really want X and Y to be at my wedding, but maybe that’s an obvious imposition, what could be Plan B?
Hometown weddings: If my D had her wedding here, where she spent 98% of her life, only family in town would be me, H &S. Our family is nowhere near here. And D & her fiance’s family would all have to travel 2000 miles. They are getting married approximately 2 hours from where his family is, so in essence, it’s a destination wedding for all. They are inviting people they know that cannot attend, because there are beloved family members and friends that would be crushed not to get the invite. I don’t consider it tacky at all. D & Fiance want them to know they are important in their life–even if they don’t appear on the wedding day…and they are not sending invites with the expectation of gifts at all.
Thanks for all the thoughts about wedding reception only invitations. I will pass this on. My friend is not happy, but it is what it is.
One of D’s dear friends is having a destination wedding and the wedding website says: For our guests traveling to XXX, your presence is the best present you could give. Thank you for being part of our special day! We are invited to the reception back at home. We look forward to this.
It seems that traveling to another city in the US for a wedding and staying at an affordable Motel would be a lot more accessible and affordable that a “destination” trip to a resort or far off island. Airfare, hotel, meals, etc would all be much less expensive in that case. People also have to remember that it is well within their rights to say no to a destination invitation. It seems that in many cases the wedding couple is hoping for low attendance and that is the reason for the destination wedding in the first place.
We went to a family destination wedding in Tulum. We went to a wedding in Charleston SC. We are going to a wedding in Atlanta.
To be honest…we don’t live in or near any of those places and the costs are almost identical.
Like @frazzled1 a wedding in our hometown would be a travel to event for everyone except the DH and me. Even DS and DD would have to travel here. No relatives within miles.
And to top it off, many of our adult friends are moving away too!
Sometimes couples who marry far away from either’s hometown will come back and have a party/reception several months later in order to meet the hometown crowd. These events can be very lovely and more relaxed than the wedding itself.
