Take a moment to rate my SAT Writing essay

<p>Here's the topic I got from Barron's:</p>

<p>A wealthy donor has promised to give your school $1 million to be used either for the advancement of science or for promoting the arts and humanities. The donation cannot be divided; it must be all or nothing. If the issue were to be put to the students of your school to decide, which would you support? In an essay, please explain the reasons for your choice.</p>

<p>My essay:</p>

<p>To dream of achieving the impossible is an innate quality of human beings. When Jules Vern wrote about men’s travel to the moon, the idea of sending a rocket to the earth’s satellite was probably dismissed as moonshine. Today, we speak about Armstrong’s footsteps and the moon’s weak gravity without enthusiasm. Still, we continue to dream. We wish to make a time-travel machine and freeze the dead in hope of reviving our loved ones when tomorrow’s technology permits. Unless we take bold steps in emphasizing science into our kids’ education, these dreams may never be realized.</p>

<p>Billions of dollars have gone into research in hope of achieving the impossible. We are making progress, but our progress is too slow. Scientists are bound to finish Ph.D.s before they are educated enough to participate in ground-breaking research projects. If high school kids can have access to college-level courses and research opportunities, our next generation of students might be capable of research at a very early age.</p>

<p>For this reason, I believe that the one-million-dollar donation should go to our school’s science department. This generous sum can be used to hire world-class professor to teach our scientifically gifted students. We can purchase the most up-to-date scientific equipment so that our students will not have to waste time studying outmoded techniques, but they may pick right off from where today’s scientists are.</p>

<p>This investment is not a pointless venture; it may produce priceless yields. Our dream of a time travel machine may take shape in ten years’ time. Discoveries of new drugs may save billions of lives if they are made a few years faster. Although I do accept that arts and humanities are also an integral component of a student’s education, breakthroughs in arts and humanities do not give as great a benefit as a new way to cure cancer or AIDS. Essentially, science and technology should be our foremost concern.</p>

<p>How much will you give this essay, honestly? Every suggestion is welcome. :)</p>

<p>I want to know if I should stop studying for writing already. Anyone, please?</p>

<p>yes you can stop studying</p>

<p>your essay seems manufactured, especially the first paragraph... could you really write that in 20 minutes?</p>

<p>I wrote it in 30 min, actually. I'll have to speed up. Do you think I generalized too much? If I stopped half way through the third paragraph, what do you think would be be my score?</p>

<p>Thanks in advance!</p>

<p>The time machine seems a little extravagant, most scientists believe it to be impossible, and while the essay won't be graded on that, you might want to omit it</p>

<p>In terms of actual writing ability, it's an excellent essay. If you can write complicated sentences and articulate complex thoughts like that in 20 minutes you will be doing very well for yourself. There's a few problems with it though. First, you misspell Jules Verne. You're trying to intimate that you have a lot of general knowledge, make sure you don't spell the author's name incorrectly. Also, I think your intro is a bit long and you take too long to get to the point. I agree with the previous poster, that the idea about the time machine is a bit too dreamy-eyed. Focus more on the practical uses of science. You might want to throw a personal anecdote in there somewhere (with the space you create cutting the intro). Overall, it's a solid essay which would earn you at least a 4, probably a 5 in my opinion.</p>

<p>1st paragraph is useless and just takes up space. Ditch it. </p>

<p>State your position right at the end of your intro paragraph, don't try to expand the intro. Focus on the body and give at least 2 specific examples backing up your position.</p>

<p>That should get you AT LEAST a 10. Remember, the graders of the SAT2 writing don't heavily emphasis creativity. A well structured essay (AKA intro-body-body-conclusion) with good supporting points and a clear language will get you the top scores.</p>

<p>Thank you for your comments, guys! :)</p>

<p>I think I have more problem with organization than with grammar and style. Since 9th grade, I've probably written like 10 essays max. per year (seriously!), and the essays were on "what I did during the summer," "my new year resolution," and all those BS. :o What more, my essays were never truly commented on until recently. I have yet to grasp what an organized essay is. This may sound silly to those of you who've written alot, but sometimes I just don't know that my intro stretches too long or whether my conclusion neatly wraps things up.</p>


<p>I've revised my essay, ditching the intro and the time machine example and rewriting some parts. Please tell me whether it's concise and organized enough. What will you give me out of 6? I'd really appreciate your help.</p>

<p>If the donation were to be given to my school, I think the money should go to the sciences. Mankind has many dreams, such as traveling to Mars and finding a cure for cancer. Eventually, technological advances will make these dreams come true, but, more often that not, they do not progress fast enough to save lives. Unless we take bold steps in emphasizing science into our kids’ education, scientific discoveries may be made too late in time.</p>

<p>Technological advances could be speeded up if high school students had the opportunity to access college-level materials and the most up-to-date scientific equipment. Textbooks and equipment used in physics, chemistry, and biology classes are often outmoded and lacking. Instead of picking right off from where today’s scientists are, students have to waste time studying old-fashioned or already disproved techniques. Plus, many students are scientifically gifted. If they could have access to classes taught by world-class professors, they would be able to develop their knowledge and skills very rapidly.</p>

<p>Therefore, I believe the donation should go to our science department. Although the number of students in our school is just a fraction of the total number of students of in the nation, I think we can make a difference in the world. One day, one of our students may be able to speed up the discovery of new drugs, thereby saving billions of lives. Maybe we can, but we will never know unless our science students get the support they need today.</p>

<p>Just to let you know, the SAT II Writing essay score is notoriously random. The only advice I'd give is to aim at more of an 8th grade mentality. Any really unique style will probably get you docked points. So will not following a very set TOPIC SENTENCE-DETAIL-COMMENTARY-DETAIL-COMMENTARY-CONCLUDING SENTENCE rationale. Any other rationale, although it's probably better, might get you docked points.</p>

<p>In other words, play it safe.</p>