Take time to review my unfinished college essay? :)

College Essays
1

<p>I just want to know if it is decent and if there is anything I can do to tweak it. It is about 12:30 at night over here so I am very tired lol probably some silly grammer errors!</p>

<p>Freshman, sophomore and even junior year I would have never even dreamed of being mentioned for a nomination let alone being nominated. I was too busy getting pushed back to the end of the cafeteria line by bullies and upperclassmen, finding my way to my next class and of course trying to score chicks! Sort of. I remember seeing all the Homecoming court nominees my freshmen year, I kept thinking to myself how amazing they were. It never even crossed my mind that people would vote for me and I could possibly be up there and I guess that proves that things change as time goes on. I was not exactly the ‘big man on campus’ guy I was more the’ timid, innocent, front of the class’ guy. Freshman year, my best friend at the time had gone to a private school and I was left with only acquaintances. I was scared but, as time went on I made great friends in both ‘high’ and ‘low’ places on the totem pole of Coventry High. Things like that never bothered me like it did some of my other friends.<br>
The morning about two weeks before the Homecoming ceremonies multiple people, some friends and some whom I have really talked to before, came up to me and made remarks like “I voted for you!”, “You didn’t tell me you were on the ballot, congrats man.” And “I hope you win!” I did not have the slightest clue what they were talking about. Surprised and embarrassed at the same time, I went to Homeroom and asked my friend what I missed the day before, apparently quite a lot. She informed me that I was on the ballot for the Homecoming Royals, So & so broke up with so & so and that I missed a quiz in Physics. After school, I visited my drama teacher to tell him about the good news! When I told him he told me that he was the one who put me on the ballot, I humbly thanked him and proceeded to ask him why. Then he answered my question in the least helpful way. “Because.”
Senior Year, other than wondering about if I was going to be late for work, I was trying to figure out if this is what it felt like to be ‘popular’. Looking up at the bleachers I could see my mom, my brother and his friend waving and smiling back at me, giving me the reassurance I needed to calm me down. This is how the ceremony was set up- four guys (including myself) on one side and four girls on the other. In front of us were two columns of cheerleaders on each side, forming almost a runway, for us to walk between. The football teams stood on the side lines. The hooting and hollering coming from the people in the bleachers was like a rush of adrenaline, it felt good. My heart was beating and I was trying not to look so nervous next to the most confident. Then before I knew it, it was the moment of truth, when the fat lady actually sings----</p>

2

<p>While the focus of your essay may be one of your favorite moments, I doubt that college admission people will find “score chicks!” very tasteful, especially if the one reviewing the essay is a woman.
If you don’t feel like starting over, at the bare minimum, you should check every sentence because there’s a ton of grammar issues.
As a case in point, here are two run on sentences in a row.

</p>

3

<p>Yeah I get what your saying, after reading it over it does stand out to me as tasteless. But do you think I’m going in the right direction with my essay as a whole?</p>

4

<p>It was ok but a bit confusing. Make sure it’s appropriate (i.e. - scoring chicks doesn’t belong here). What is the prompt? The essay seems to not answer any question.</p>

5

<p>Yea this one was kmind of last minute cause I bumped my other one, I just wanted to see if I was on the right track. Once I finish ill do some better organizing and sentance structure. Prompt: “First experiences can be defining. Cite a first experience that you have had and explain its impact on you.”</p>