<p>For reasons that are not at all clear, there has been a rash of suicides in my daughter’s suburban high school. Last week, one of the kids was a boy that was in one of her classes and she was in hysterics. </p>
<p>Any advice on how we should address the topic with my daughter? </p>
<p>Any advice as to what we parents as a group should say to the school administration?</p>
<p>One thing the school should be doing is finding out whether there is any common thread to the suicide cases. Bullying or other activities by students? Also, what in general the school is doing to counsel students, and encourage them to seek counseling, not just concerning the past suicides but concerning problems other students may be encountering. The PTO or other organization needs to get the school to be proactive, without delay. Not only the students, but the parents and other family members need advice and support. Approach the principal.</p>
<p>Don’t wait for the school to act (they should have done something after every single one). This is a tough discussion. I’d include a counselor, pediatrician or minister somehow because I’m not a counselor.</p>
<p>Make sure your child knows that whatever problem or issue she may have now or in the future, you will always be there. Let her know that she never needs to deal with anything on her own.</p>
<p>Parents should demand counseling for the students to address the suicides and the pressures leading up to the deaths. They may not all have the same underlying causes/reasons/triggers. You may need to take it higher than the principal. This sounds it may be a community issue beyond the school.</p>
<p>Hugs to your daughter.</p>
<p>Been thru this 2x in the past 3 years with D for - one was. Bullying issue, the other was related to clinical depression.</p>
<p>The kids many times can tell or know if one of their peers is struggling. We talked about why these students chose the decision they did and that a student should let an adult know if they see the behavior sometimes associated with the precursor to suicide so someone may be able to step in and help.</p>
<p>Best of luck to you and your family.</p>
<p>Our city newspaper had an article on a 17 year-old boy’s suicide following the suicide earlier in this school year by two girls the same age. The issue would seem to be academic load and stress. There was a photograph of the boy playing in the snow the day before his death, while he was taking a break from work for 5 AP classes. The photo is heartbreaking. His AP bio book was still on the dining room table.</p>
<p>I remember well the suicide of a girl in my high school in the 1960’s. These things stay with us all of our lives. For many kids, this is their first exposure to death, and the complete and total disappearance of another human being can be deeply upsetting. Suicide adds a layer of “what if” and collective guilt and, of course, may influence others to do the same.</p>
<p>In spite of the presence of grief and trauma counselors, I think this kind of event needs to be dealt with over the long term, and may have ramifications that are not yet apparent. Young people don’t seem to know that momentary pain will go away, and that there are other options besides the (often ambitious) path they are on so rigidly in their own minds. </p>
<p>So it seems most important that some adult is aware of what is going on with any given young person, and that is not always easy. And it seems important to let kids know they can step off the high stress road to get perspective, without losing anything at all. College admissions pressures seem to have robbed some students of authenticity in their lives when everything is done for a future goal: so I think encouraging focus on the present, on learning versus grades, and on doing what you love versus what will bring success, can help.</p>
<p>I am just a lay person who has dealt with suicide in my own family as well as the aforementioned peer. My heart aches for this family. </p>
<p>This is so upsetting. How many suicides is a rash? More than three? How sad.</p>
<p>Our high school had one suicide in the fall and just last week, another child, only a sophomore, killed himself on the school grounds. The first one happened at a local spot that all of us go to and it’s as if we can’t go there without thinking of the poor boy. The first boy had some long standing mental health issues that the parents knew about but no one knows about the latest. </p>
<p>The school is sending a lot of info for parents about how to talk to our kids but there is a fear of “suicide contagion” and everyone is tense and upset. My son went here as well and in his 4 years, there was never a suicide and it’s all new to me to deal with this with my daughter who is just a freshman. DD’s group of friends talks about it and they were all given a chance to talk about it at school but other than telling them to reach out if they or any of their friends feel suicidal, what can we really do?</p>
<p>I guess it’s just looking out for our own child and knowing the warning signs, teaching the kids what to look for in their friends and most of all, teaching the kids they MUST tell an adult. I found out that one of DD’s friends was cutting and only one girl told her own mother. That mother did NOT tell the parents of the girl who was cutting. I was shocked that my own kid didn’t tell me and by the time I found out, the girl’s mother knew so I didn’t need to intervene but my DD knew that I would tell her mother so she didn’t tell me and I was very upset about the situation. I felt that I had a good relationship with all these girls since 1st grade, they are at my house a lot and I’ve been involved throughout the years in their lives so I was shocked that no one came to me, not even my own kid. There is such a fear of being a “tattletale” that we need to impress upon these kids that if a life is at stake, any tattletale stigma goes out the window. Knowing that cutting is a warning sign of suicide, I am more than a little concerned about DD’s friend. </p>
<p>I also welcome any additional thoughts, suggestions or strategies for dealing with this issue. Thanks for your replies and thanks to tjdad2011 for bringing this up.</p>
<p>About 8 years ago my youngest sister took her life. I was well into adulthood and had lost relatives before, but until you experience the suicide of someone close to you, you really don’t understand the emotions it causes. It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced before. I had trouble sleeping, trouble eating, found myself feeling very paranoid, and never wanted to spend any time alone. A friend told me I was experiencing PTSD, he encouraged (well more like demanded) that I see a therapist who also said I was experiencing PTSD. I only saw the therapist twice, I didn’t feel comfortable there and didn’t feel like he really understood what I was experiencing. Then through internet searches I ran across a support group SOS (survivors of suicide) and decided to go to one of their meetings. I relayed my stories to the group and they all understood and shared stories of similar feelings and emotions. It made me feel normal again. It made me feel like what I was going through was a normal reaction to a very tragic situation. It was comforting to talk to others who really understood what I was experiencing. That support group definitely helped me get through that year of my life until time began to heal the wounds. I’d definitely recommend finding a support group of people who’ve had similar experiences if your daughter is having troubles. It helps far more to speak to those who have survived such an event and can speak of how they’ve coped and truly know that it is possible to get through the complex emotions given time.</p>
<p>Wow! All I can say is that this is so very tough. I was shocked when a kid I knew from HS committed suicide while home on break from Brown. I wasn’t very close to him but was very surprised nonetheless. I also had a relative that committed suicide when I was in grade school. My dad helped the widow go back to school so she could support herself and 4 kids. </p>
<p>It does sound like the school and community need to do more to reach out to the teens and kids, to give them more support. I know, easier said than done. Hug your D and reaffirm with her that you will ALWAYS be there for her, unconditionally. </p>
<p>Ive known several kids and young adults who have died from depression. Even more who have died from destructive behavior. 
The first was a classmate that I admired in 7th grade. </p>
<p>Just to throw out a few thoughts.
Dont worry that bringing it up, will make them think of it.
They are already thinking about it.</p>
<p>Hopefully the school already has a counselor & they are working with teachers to reach students.</p>
<p>If you have a religion, perhaps that could bring comfort.
I would focus on listening.
On emphasizing that it wasnt anyones fault, and that likely it wasn’t that they actually wanted to be dead, but that they were in immense pain, and they did the only thing they could think of to make it stop.
They are now out of pain, although they have paid the highest price.
I might also say, that I would see my role as a friend, to turn outward instead of inward and to think of a part of him or her that you specially loved, ( for example a favorite book you both liked) and when you share it with others, they ( your friend) are there with you.</p>
<p>I tend to withdraw when grieving and go numb, but for someone who is hysterical, I would treat the body first before the mind, because ( imo) instead of " letting it out" all that emotion, it seems to feed on itself and you get these huge mood swings. ( actually exercise in either case is good, but when I turn to stone, its harder to get me moving)</p>
<p>If you take care of your body, you take care of your mind.</p>
<p>Make sure she is sleeping, if not perhaps give her some benadryl or something to sleep.
Same with food, she needs to be nourished & hydrated.
Exercise, especially aerobic exercise not only burns off steam, but sends our brain endorphins, that make us crave more. </p>
<p>Its also important that she see you taking care of yourself too.
Our kids mimic us & if you need help from a counselor, be sure and get it.
Hugs.</p>
<p>Suicides pop up in clusters. It’s less common than you’d think. The common link is suicides, that’s all. I’m not sure there’s much research on the phenomenon. I lost one friend a year every year of high school and a close friend almost two years ago now to suicide. One from years of parental abuse, one from depression, one from being bullied for his sexuality, and we’ll never know about the last two. </p>
<p>Take her to a therapist/counselor. It’s hard, especially if this is the first death of someone close to her age. She needs someone who can help her sort out her feelings and work with her to get to a more “normal” state. </p>
<p>Actually, there is a lot of research about suicide contagion, and how to help prevent it.<br>
See, for example, these recommendations from the CDC:</p>
<p><a href=“Suicide contagion and the reporting of suicide : recommendations from a national workshop”>http://stacks.cdc.gov/view/cdc/7527</a></p>
<p>When a former student at my son’s high school committed suicide (son was beginning his senior year of high school, the suicide victim was starting his sophomore year of college) the school did pretty much everything wrong. Fortunately, without ill effect. But if I had it to do over again, I would have sent the above document to the principal as soon as I heard about it.</p>
<p>Thanks for sharing the link. </p>
<p>I bet the school is doing something—I would be very surprised if the school does nothing. See what it is, and perhaps you could coordinate your at home efforts with what school does. </p>
<p>If you are religious, call on your faith for help and direction. If you aren’t, then I would still bring the subject up, and be prepared to listen to what your child says. I agree with the above poster that young people may not see that the current pain is temporary, that there is more to life than this moment. They may not know that 1) it will get better and 2) there are ways to MAKE it get better—talk therapy and medication—if it is a chemical imbalance. </p>
<p>A close family member committed suicide and so I had a talk about depression with each of my kids. I told them that some sadness and frustration is normal in life. It won’t always be easy. Being a teenager is especially hard and some highs and lows are to be expected. But I told them there is a line that can be crossed in which a person doesn’t see why it is worth continuing, and that is NOT normal. I encouraged them to talk to someone if they felt that way, and told them that sometimes brain chemistry gets out of whack and a person cannot pull himself out of depression alone. </p>
<p>A classmate of my D committed suicide. Although everyone knew he had been in and out of school a lot due to illness, his peers did not know that he had recently been diagnosed as terminal. </p>
<p>One thing that seemed to help the students was recognition of the boy, rather than the avoidance of him or the subject. He was a member of the choir, and the choir sang at his funeral. There were some other low key, respectful observances as well. The kids felt he was honored by these activities, and it helped the kids cope knowing that they did something he would have enjoyed.</p>
<p>Sometimes “blanket” grief counseling by schools can be detrimental. It assumes a student is supposed to feel terrible. It can elongate a time of grief. Unless it was a close friend there may be no grief at all. Shock maybe and confusion but not ongoing grief. Kids overall are fairly resilient. Unfortunately you may be the last to know as a parent that your child has asked for grief counseling.</p>
<p>The most important thing is to tell your kids that you are always there for them. That they are the most important thing in your life–and yes, you may be strict, yell occasionally, get mad but that you will always be there nonetheless especially if they are hurting. They need to know what is normal and what is not–entertaining thoughts of suicide, cutting is NOT normal—and if they or friends have that experience that it is OKAY and NECESSARY to get help and hopefully you’ll be the first they tell because you care the most about them. </p>
<p>I like the posters’ input, esp about PTSD, support group, therapy.</p>
<p>Reconfirm with your children that any suicidal thoughts need to be taken seriously.</p>
<p>Suicide rates are rising - in some age groups it is higher than accidental death.</p>
<p>As one poster stated, sometimes someone gets clinically depressed and needs medication and therapy to assist that individual to revert the biochemical changes in their brain. One may not realize that they are falling into a very deep hole.</p>
<p>Some people keep their feelings very hidden, while others may have people not realizing they need to step in until something really bad happens.</p>
<p>Families do need to continually assess stress levels and coping with stresses and avoiding some stresses.</p>
<p>The most important thing is that your child/friend/yourself is important on this earth! Intervention is necessary if there is any disordered thinking regarding suicide.</p>
<p>Sometimes an individual family, church, community, etc. need to additionally step in beyond what is done at the school level.</p>
<p>Very sad whenever suicide happens, but very tragic with young people who have their whole life ahead of them.</p>
<p>Here are the things I know:</p>
<p>The pain is devastating and relentless and forever for the family. It’s incredibly horrible and sometimes ruins families if they can never learn coping mechanisms.
Sometimes it even ruins the lives of best friends.
It is the most selfish and cruel thing a person can do.
It’s a permanent fix for a temporary problem.
This is but a blip of time in a person’s whole, entire lifetime. It is the wrong path to take.<br>
Nothing, absolutely nothing or no one is worth it.
If you ever, ever thought you could feel that you could do this, come to me and immediately I will help you and protect you and love you and shelter you and get us all help.
And if any one of your friends ever threatens it, let us notify his/her parents so they can intervene and get your friend help.</p>
<p>
When I taught in a high school afterschool program, 2 suicides in one term caused the principal to call together all teachers and advise us to say this explicitly to each class: “We care about you as people. So, if anyone knows anybody (themself or a friend) who does not feel like they belong, please just quietly tell one teacher.” Hearing the same message in class from several teachers, students heard a unified message, an embrace. That’s different from one principal talking to them all at assembly. </p>
<p>Indeed, a few students were identified to teachers, confidentially. Next, the principal made it her business (and advised student’s teachers) to connect with that student daily: greet by name upon entry to school, pull over an upbeat/generous student to share a 3-way conversation during recess, affirm them in class in front of others. No matter how glum they looked, our principal did not want a student to come and go without some positive human dialogue that day. I know she also contacted families, too, but she let teachers know we were responsible for improving school climate particularly for those at-risk students.</p>
<p>Other posters have identified bullying and depression as causes. In addition, work on the messages your school community communicates on LGBTQ identity and the safety of coming and being “out.” </p>
<p>When you let your D know you’re working on these fronts, you model ways to turn personal grief towards community action. No child should die in vain. And I’m sorry for the loss to your family and community here.</p>
<p>Thanks to all the valuable response</p>
<p>There is an open meeting scheduled at the school one evening this week and I will see what the Administration has to say.</p>
<p>The school has a crisis response team in place, student services has sent out emails to students and parents and they are having the open meeting to discuss other steps being undertaken. A neighboring school had several suicides at the beginning of the month. I am very familiar with the school.:(</p>