<p>It all started (as far as we know) when she was 16 1/2. We left town for the weekend and left DD alone, thinking she was responsible. Later, we found out she spent the night with a college boy (a person DD had never met before). She wrecked our car that morning, probably as she was pulling out of his apartment driveway.
The next Fall DD started dating. DD spent a good two months sneaking her new boyfriend into our house at night. He was a pot smoker and not too classy. Interspersed in this were various lies: I would drive DD and her friends to the prom, and then find out that they had planned to abandon the prom the moment I dropped them off- to go to pot-smoking boyfriends illegal house party. (mom out of town)<br>
DD was involved in another minor wreck, but had a friend in the car with her, which was against our rules. It was a Junior year of constant and dispiriting bad acts. We had never had a problem with DD before. To the contrary, she was a loving and accomplished daughter, who gave us great pleasure.</p>
<p>This year: This Dec DD announced to us one night around 10:00 that she was going out. We told her no, but she insisted. She became hysterical and frenzied. She darted for the door and her dad blocked her. It ended up being the worst night of her fathers and my life. DD fought us (we were physically restraining her from going out because the roads were dangerous, snow, and she was in a weird condition) for a good 40 minutes. She locked herself in the bathroom and cried hysterically. Yes, it did look like drug abuse. Finally, her brother talked her down and she went to bed.</p>
<p>Four days later DD had a party at the neighbors house while the neighbor was out of town. We had extended trust to DD and were letting her spend the night at a friend’s house. DD was babysitting the neighbors cat and invited her friends to party at the neighbor’s empty house. She and a girlfriend spent the night at the neighbors house. It soon became apparent that DD had FOUGHT US 4 nights before in order to go to the out-of-town neighbors house to have a party (with alcohol).</p>
<p>We grounded her for a month. Last night I discovered that DDs Facebook wall is filled with vulgarities. Friends suggest Skyping for sex (or some such thing). She has a vulgar video on her Facebook about a boy “whizzing in his pants” every time he sees an attractive girl. A friend suggests on DD’s wall that since DD is ungrounded soon, they can skip school.</p>
<p>DD is a senior, a beautiful girl (physically). We’ve had a seemingly perfect family, up to the last year and a half. Her father and I are hollowed out by her lies, and tawdriness. We are good parents, a good family and have spent all our time giving her an unparalleled childhood. We are sure (95%) drugs are not involved. Our feelings are: dismay, sadness and questioning. How did she grow without values? Where does this tawdriness come from? What do we do? She is 18. We are at a loss.</p>
<p>I suggest family counseling. I think that you need far more help than well meaning strangers on the Internet can provide.</p>
<p>“Four days later DD had a party at the neighbor’s house while the neighbor was out of town. We had extended trust to DD and were letting her spend the night at a friend’s house.”</p>
<p>I don’t understand why you’ve repeatedly given driving privileges and extended trust to a daughter who has proven to be untrustworthy.</p>
<p>Gomom- I am so sorry! What a struggle it is to raise kids in today’s world. Some are lucky and think “gee, that was easy” but others work very hard at getting it right only to have it backfire. I have a friend in your situation except her son is the one who turned their world upside down. I have no words of wisdom. Tough love? Take the car, the freedom, shut off her cell? That’s where I’d start.
We never found out for sure that my friend’s son was doing drugs -however, she was suspicious and remains suspicious. He is nearly 21 years old now, no job yet rents an apartment! ($$ must be coming from somewhere). The point is, a counselor once told her that if all her kids were problems then she’d have to look in the mirror, but if one runs aground then it may just be the kid. Sorry for your troubles…</p>
<p>I agree with oldfort. Leaving her alone four days later doesn’t make any sense. Your head has been in the sand. </p>
<p>These problems were most likely brewing even before she spent the night with the college boy. Why would you leave a 16 year old alone for the weekend? Stay home. You only recently checked her Facebook page? Turn off the internet at night. How does she sneak a boy into your house without your knowledge? Install an alarm. How many cars has she crashed? Take away the keys.</p>
<p>I think the first step you should take is to start dealing with reality.</p>
<p>So sorry to hear about your painful family issues and hope all turns out well. BUT. You say that you are 95% sure drugs are not involved. Sorry. I am 95% sure you are wrong. Every thing you have described about her behavior is consistent with serious and growing substance abuse. If that is true and you can get her help for that somehow all to the good. (There is, of course, a 5% possibility of something else such as mental or physical illness. Not good but also not as emotionally charged to dea with neccessarily. )</p>
<p>Your problem (or opportunity if you choose to see it that way) is that she is 18 and technically beyond your control. But if she is going away to college lay down the rules very clearly before you throw away money: Get acceptable grades (you decide what that is), get into no trouble with the school or law re drugs/alcohol and all will be well. Don’t meet those conditions and she will be on her own–and not at home. Let her live on her own for a while. Keep the lines lines of communication open, but be strict that she cannot live at home. If she is already living or planning to live at home I would giver her a short amount of time to get her things together and get out. (Perhaps offer some financial help to get settled. MAYBE.) </p>
<p>I also, in this case, would not believe anything she promises about how she will change, at least not w/o massive and overwhelming proof that she will.</p>
<p>Good luck. And I hope my armchair anaysis is wrong.</p>
<p>Don’t listen to Oldfort’s judgemental tone. It’s quite obvious that he doesn’t understand. You need to get your daughter to a family counselor right away. The counselor will want to meet with both you and her initially, probably for once a week sessions. The counselor will provide an independent adult voice where she can discuss things, as opposed to her “friends” whose advice apparently isn’t so good. I’d take away the cell phone and the car keys too. That way her “friends” will need to go through you to talk with her to a much greater extent. The counselor will also help her to understand that she has severely damaged the trust between you all. She and your family will both need to work to repair that trust as much as possible. The counselor will help her understand that even though she thinks she can handle all the things that she’s experimenting with, 16, is way too young an age to be doing the things she’s apparently decided to do. You can’t lock her up and throw away the key, but you can severely limit her activities until she decides to work with you to repair the trust between you.</p>
<p>NSM, we tried counselling last year (when the boyfriend was being snuck in). But it didn’t seem to work, and then became too expensive. We don’t have $$ for counselling as we have 3 kids in college now.
D is an academic superstar. I didn’t write that earlier because it really doesn’t bear on her behavior at home. At school she is widely admired by teachers, etc.
I do worry that it is a mental illness. I have considered drug testing, but really DD is a purist and scorns drug-takers (except the “old” boyfriend).
How as a mother should I act? Last night I told her, after learning of the Facebook smut that she disgusted me. These are harsh words. We want her to drive herself to school (otherwise we have to drive her). We don’t want to ground her anymore; it doesn’t seem to be working. But How, oh how, did she not learn the basics of decency?</p>
<p>Ah sorry. Didn’t see that she was over 18 now. My advice still applies, but, if she chooses to live in a manner that you don’t approve of, some tough love is required. I’d let her know that you’re willing to help try to preserve her relationship with the family, but her actions, unless she decides to change them, means she’ll need to move out…cut the cord and let her understand the ramifications of real life without the support of her family.</p>
<p>No driver’s license. No cell phone. No computer. No internet access. No pocket money, bank account or debit card. If she goes out, you accompany her. One of you quits their job to make sure she is at school and stays at school for the remainder of the year. You monitor the homework.</p>
<p>Yes, she is 18. But she is living at your largesse. If her behavior keeps up, she will wind up in jail, and the situation will be similar to the above.</p>
<p>Sorry to get all Judge Judy on you, but this girl is a train wreck waiting to happen. You are calling her “tawdry”, and yet repeatedly it is YOUR bad decisions that have enabled this behavior.</p>
<p>YOU stop it now.</p>
<p>(another thing – don’t have her brother “talk her down”. That is an unfair position to put a sibling in)</p>
<p>I have to agree, thumper. Whenever I see posts like this that are a person’s first, I am always skeptical, particularly when they read like an attempt at creative writing.</p>
<p>First off-- the car should be gone. Use the money from selling it to get her some help. You have been too permissive and it is coming back to haunt you. With 3 older kids, this is obviously the baby-- you have treated her too much like an adult. </p>
<p>All privileges should be revoked. Get school involved. Her teachers may be seeing things you are blinded to. I would also recommend that the help be of the psychiatric variety. If this acting out is new-- there may be more serious mental health issues.</p>
<p>Part of good parenting has to be consequences-- you seem to be making the same mistakes over and over. Last summer, my d cursed at me. A week in her room after school with no phone, tv or computer did the trick.</p>
<p>Kids are looking to you to be in control. They are feeling out of control as their bodies are far ahead of their mental maturity. Teenage years are tough, but you are not her friend. You are her mother!</p>
<p>I feel very bad for both you and your D. You both sound like you are suffering. Be aware that she is not “grown up” yet and still has miles to go before she is an adult. I know counseling is expensive but it may be more worth it, for a healthy life, than an expensive college education. If there is a mental illness, or if there is drug abuse, the sooner she/you deals with it the better.
You will not be able to babysit or restrict her for much longer and that doesn’t seem to be working anyway. I would suggest you use what ever influence you have with her to insist on professional help.</p>
<p>I am just going to say that just because a kid excels academically does not mean drugs are not involved. Actually, like any kind of addiction/abuse, the last thing to go are the job and in this case, school is a kid’s job. If a child is really smart, it is even easier to “get by” in school while still engaging in addiction and abusive behavior. And frankly, if she is drinking and having parties in the neighbor’s house (let alone yours), the risk taking exceeds what would be within the normal bounds of teenage rebellion.</p>
<p>This child has trampled your trust time and time again, so I am curious why you keep giving it to her. I would not allow any more sleep overs period. (I have never been a fan of sleepovers and assume that nothing good can happen post curfew - of course, one has to be willing to go and get the kid at the appointed hour which is not always fun or convenient). And if you are not taking away her driving privileges because it is annoying for you, well… that’s the job you sign up for when you have kids and just because it’s a pain in the butt doesn’t mean it can’t be done. If a job or something else interferes, I would arrange car pool with a RESPONSIBLE party. I would tend to put a very short leash on this child regardless whether or not she is a senior. </p>
<p>BUT since she is a senior, I am wondering about her college decisions.</p>
<p>If this is true, she needs help, badly. Don’t think counseling now is too expensive-- you will save many $$$, and many tears, if you do it now, for the whole family-- even if you take it from money you’ve saved for her college. She’s not ready to even think about college, grades or no.</p>
<p>Look at the long picture - not the short one. You want to have a positive relationship with your daughter when she is 30. There is hope!!! I have a friend whose 14-year-old would sneak out and cut school and do many of the wild things above - including sex, drugs and rock-n-roll raves. She grew out of it- attended a good university, graduated and now is a calm, loving, responsible adult. So, always look for the long picture. I think family therapy would help, along with setting clear non-judgmental guidelines for use of car, attendance at school, help around the house. Things she posts on her facebook page should be private IMHO, unless she has “friended” you. Even if DD refuses to go to therapy - you and spouse should go.</p>