TEAR MY ESSAY APART (but one nice comment please...)

<p>My questions....
Is a title needed for the commonm app topic of choice? </p>

<p>Concerns
having trouble eliminate passive voice
having trouble making ending more creative/circular </p>

<p>“Jason, I found you a babysitting job for the weekend. You need to start making money on your own,” my mother declared. </p>

<p>Watch kids? I’d rather go to the dentist. That was last year, and the thought of children overshadowed me with a cloud of fear. Grudgingly, we struck a deal; I would concentrate on my schoolwork during the year and seek work as a counselor at a local day camp for the summer. It was a pivotal decision. </p>

<p>I received the job. The camp put me in charge of five year old boys. On the first day, one of my campers refused to speak and couldn’t stop crying. Struggling to console Terrence, I told him that he would see his mommy and daddy at the end of the day. He looked up at me with his, big, red, swollen eyes and said, “I don’t have a daddy. He died.” I tried to force my jaws apart and utter anything that came to mind. They were sealed shut. Glancing around the room, I looked for a chance to quickly flee the situation. </p>

<p>I had never worked with children before, especially a troubled one. I sought out the director of the camp for guidance. He had told the counselors to come directly to him if a problem occurred. I had a grave dilemma. We talked, and he gave me insight into what Terrence was going through. At his suggestion, I arranged a special time each day during which Terrence and I could sit and talk, play, or do anything he wanted to do. </p>

<p>As the weeks went by, spending time with Terrance brought a gleeful smile to my face. He taught me games and we shared stories. Not only did he talk to me, but he also communicated more freely with the other boys. He played, sang and took part in all the activities. He became a happier child. </p>

<p>I knew that being a counselor would be a burdensome task. I expected that I had to supervise the children, teach values of fairness, teamwork and friendship, while always keeping a vigilant eye. What I didn’t expect was that as I delved into the psychological problems of one troubled child, I became fascinated with the reasons behind the behavior of all my campers, observing each one with a mental notepad. I knew there was always a reason when a child was unhappy, and this compelled me to look past any troubled behavior. Instead of shrugging it off, understanding it became crucial. By the end of the summer, my camper’s behavior had grown immensely, while the demise of my disdain for little ones slowly began. </p>

<p>The experience of dealing with real life issues of a sad little five year old boy has led me to a heightened interest in psychology. As I enter my college years I hope to be able to fuse my passion for science with the field of child development. </p>

<p>would the ending be better if i did something cute like saying how i now longer fear children, and want to get more involved with them now instead of telling what i want to do? some help with this apperciated.</p>

<p>bump................</p>

<p>This is a MUCH better version of your essay. I think your ending is fine.
Some suggestions:</p>

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<p>--This paragraph is very akward. I made some changes bellow. See if you like it better.</p>

<p>I knew that being a counselor would be a chalenging task. I expected to supervise children, teach values of fairness, teamwork and friendship, while always keeping a vigilant eye. What I didn’t expect was delving into psychological problems of a troubled child. I became fascinated with the reasons behind the behavior of my campers, observing each one with a mental notepad. I found that there was always a reason when a child was unhappy, and this compelled me to look past any troubled behavior; understanding it became my goal. By the end of the summer, my campers' behavior had improved immensely, and the demise of my disdain for little ones slowly began.</p>

<p>Thanks man, i think you might have some grammatical errors in the paragraph you corrected, but it is good to here my essay acutally works now.</p>

<p>I like it.</p>

<p>:)</p>

<p>by the way r2500 and nngmm, where are you guys applying?</p>

<p>and also nngmm when you say much better version, are you implying you read it last time i posted?</p>

<p>ED to Duke. I thnk I'll be deferred. Actually, I'm almost positive that I'll be deferred.</p>

<p>Others: Emory, UVA, Columbia, Stanford (rejection, so easy), UC Berkeley, U. Penn.</p>

<p>Yes, I read the previous version you posted.</p>

<p>What version?</p>

<p>My chances thread?</p>

<p>im not sure what thread, it was posted maybe a month ago.</p>