i have trouble wrapping my mind around genderqueer people who want me to use nongenderspecific pronouns. I try, but my poor brain has its well worn paths. Oh well, I’ll get used to it. I remember long ago when I couldn’t accept same sex marriage, but now it seems ordinary and delightful to hear of two men or two women marrying.
For me, if someone presents as stereotypically “female” then I use “she”. If someone presents as “male” I use he. However, many women wear men’s clothes and have short hair, but still present as a woman. Sometimes you just don’t know how they want to be addressed. I’d hope that they would correct me, but if in doubt, iguess I’d just ask. My son almost always uses “they” which bothers me, but I suppose it never hurts to ask.
In Britain, where I live, most people, gay and straight, refer to their SOs as their “partner”. I recently met a wonderful woman who kept referring to her partner Lou. I spent weeks trying to figure out Lou’s gender without using a pronoun. What a relief when my friend finally said “she”!
I admit that I appreciate when someone’s name gives me a clue at how I should address them.
I still remember when my daughter was visiting a school, and one of the kids tried to get me to guess their name and I had no idea if they were a boy or a girl and I quickly ran out of names that aren’t gendered.
I haven’t noticed an increase in androgynous looking folks, but perhaps you are more observant than I am.
Although I think in Seattle, we are fairly androgynous looking to start with.
We all wear fleece, flannel & jeans much of the time.
Regarding incorrect gender pronoun use in English, sometimes it occurs even when referring to someone who is not transgender, and there is no question of the person’s gender. But the speaker’s first language happens to be one where the third person pronoun is not pronounced differently by gender.
In the scheme of things I’d bet that the moment or two of discomfort that any of you feel around seeing and/or addressing people who don’t visually sort into a neat category in your mind is small potatoes compared to their lifetime of living honestly in the world no matter how they identify. Also, not all people who dress and groom in a way that is less traditionally binary than some are used to are actually trans or gender queer.
I’m sure you’re right saintfan.
How conincidental is this? There is a picture of her/him in this morning’s newspaper attending a transgender rally. He/she is using a gender-neutral name, a shortened version of the name the mother used to introduce her/him. I think the mother may need a word of encouragement right now.
Toledo–if this person was being addressed as “he” when you met, and now you see him at a transgender rally, it would be more likely correct, and more respectful, to just say “he” and “him”. Versions of “he/she” are considered as slurs by most trans people, who are clearly identifying as a particular gender.
I hope that she will tell you she is proud of her trans son and will appreciate it if you’ll try to use the correct pronouns when referring to him.
It can be hard to decode fashions sometimes, though. If I’m faced with someone who appears to be XX, but who is dressed in a stereotypically male way, say with short hair and wearing jeans and a flannel shirt, I won’t necessarily be able to tell whether this person is a lesbian who is proud of her womanhood, a transman who wants to be treated as a man, an XY guy who happens to look more feminine than the average guy, or a straight woman who likes to wear her hair short and wear flannels, jeans and boots.
^True, but once the guy was seen attending a transperson event, it would be likely that he is a transman. With that knowledge, “he” is appropriate.
28
I find it charming to imagine a world where it doesn’t make a difference. I am trying my best to get there.
Just wanted to point out - it’s often considered offensive to compound ‘trans man’ or ‘trans woman’ into one word (‘transman’, ‘transwoman’) as it implies that they are not really the gender they identify as. Trans should be used as any other adjective describing ‘man’ or ‘woman’.
I agree, garland. In this case, since the young person was referred to as “he” and was at a trans event, we can assume he’s a guy.
One of my students is a female who prefers the pronoun “he” … it’s hard for me, but I try. It’s not that I don’t want to do it, it’s just that I forget. He does look female, although he dresses in a boyish manner. He plans to undergo a change when he graduates. He is not offended when I mix up the pronoun.
Another of my students prefers not to be assigned any sexuality, which makes for difficulty at times. I guess “they” is the term to use instead of “he” or “she” — but the grammarian in me does not want to use “they” as a singular pronoun. 
I suggest thinking of your transitioning student as a male. Rather than saying he’s female, say that he’s a transman. 'Cause if he is dressing as a man and wants to be called “he,” he has already undergone a change. It’s not the surgery, if any, that determines whether a transman is a transman. If he’s presenting as a man and announcing he’s male, he’s a man now.
Honestly, it doesn’t sound like such a great loss on your end. Who needs that?
In our experience people often make assumptions based on activity. Our daughter is gay and was a sporty tomboy growing up. However until recently she had long, flowing hair and has a trim, athletic, hourglass figure and pretty feminine face. She has be called “your son” more than a few times by men when she is out playing ball, fishing or hiking with her dad. She just shrugs it off because she’s kind of used to it by now. It does crack me up that despite quite evident female physical features she is somehow “mistaken” for a boy.
Then that frees me to be offended by people wanting to call me a “ciswoman”? Good, because I find it highly offensive for someone else to create a category to define MY womanhood.
Honestly, IRL I simply refer to people as whatever they present themselves as, without an qualifiers. Transman and transwoman is simply useful for this discussion.
It’s not a matter of using the qualifier of trans, but making it into ‘transman’/‘transwoman’, as opposed to saying ‘trans man’ or ‘trans woman’, where ‘trans’ is a qualifier describing the noun ‘man’ or ‘woman’. Similarly, it would be more appropriate to use ‘cis woman’ instead of ‘ciswoman’. Again, an adjective describing a noun. As it is, I’m not trans, so I try to respect those who are regarding the usage of the term.
The category exists whether you would like to claim it or not. Think of it like how, especially in the past, race wasn’t usually mentioned in a newspaper article, if the subject was white, as if that’s normal, and nothing else is. Cisgendered is a way to clarify that there is not a normal or an abnormal sex/gender type, just different ones. Or, for another example, saying “straight” is a way of keeping in mind that there are different sexual orientations, not “normal” or gay. Cis functions the same way as “white” or “straight”–sort of leveling the playing field and removing the idea of “default” as opposed to “other.”