It’s okay to ask what someone’s preferred pronouns are. Especially if they present a certain way but do not identify that way, they’ll appreciate the effort. It’s okay if you slip up sometimes; apologize and move on.
I went to a conference last Spring that actually had an addition to the stick-on nametags where you could indicate your preferred pronouns. It was pretty cool, and it was used by pretty much everyone.
They know their gender better than anyone else; it doesn’t hurt to take two seconds to say, “I really want to make you as comfortable as possible; can you clarify your preferred pronouns so I don’t accidentally misgender you?” Easy.
I know all of the arguments for “cis.” I don’t buy it. If other people want to accept being labelled as some kind of qualified woman, feel free. Meanwhile, I will continue to address people as they choose to present themselves.
Consolation–so just because someone can’t “pass,” you’re not even going to try? What if they’re in an oppressive home where the people they live with won’t allow them to present the way they desire? It’s one thing if it’s someone you’re passing on the street, because you probably won’t have a chance to misgender them in a way that is hurtful; if you’re intentionally misgendering someone, that’s extremely hurtful.
nrdsb4-it’s a little daunting when you’re just starting out, and I’ll admit I still have a lot to learn. Cisgenered means you identify with the sex you were assigned at birth. So, I am a cis woman because I have biologically female anatomy and I identify as a woman. However, it also goes beyond trans*; there’s genderqueer and genderfluid, to name a couple. It’s a fascinating topic (in my opinion) with growing information available pretty much every day.
Interesting that the news media is referring to the dead teenager as “Leelah,” the name she preferred. Meanwhile her parents continue to refer to her as “Joshua.”
I don’t know where you get this. I am definitely not the person who should be the object of your concern. Despite my refusal to have “cis” foisted upon me.
As I said, I address and treat everyone as they CHOOSE to present themselves to me. If the person informs me that they prefer to be treated as something other than the apparent gender, then of course I am going to happily comply. If they are obviously trans, I am going to automatically default to the terminology that works with what they appear to be transing TO, on the assumption that that is their preference. If they inform me otherwise, I will comply. Their exterior appearance does not necessarily have anything to do with it. It is how they choose to define themselves that matters.
Really, with the exception of my refusal to be lumbered with “cis,” I am the poster child for trans dignity and acceptance.
I heard about Leelah’s suicide last week. Very tragic, especially if you’ve read her tumblr blog. Unfortunately, I’ve heard her parents have since deleted it. The [suicide note](Suicide note of transgender Leelah Alcorn is DELETED from her Tumblr page | Daily Mail Online) that she left set to publish after her death really shows why this is so important. It’s awful to think that her parents still see her as their son (and still use male pronouns), and that she will be buried under a tombstone with the name ‘Joshua’ on it. I hear there’s a petition to get it changed, but I doubt that will happen.
I wonder what Leelah’s parents will think ten years from now. Will they still think they did the right thing, or will they think OMG how could we ever have preferred a dead son to a live daughter?
According to posts above, I should be mortally offended that you insist upon using the term “cisgendered” rather than “cis gendered.”
I would also point out that if I made an equivalent statement about a trans-gendered individual, I would be accused of gross intolerance and prejudice.
@irlandaise It is never, ever -ed. Trans* isn’t a verb and should never be past tense.
@Nrdsb4 There is a wonderful guide called “Genderbread Person” that can be very helpful for people just being introduced to SOGI issues. Highly recommend googling it
Note: SOGI is what a lot of people globally are transitioning to instead of LGBT. It stands for Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity and thus is much more inclusive.
@romanigypsyeyes Do you know what the issue is with using the asterisk as opposed to not? I’ve heard many oppose its usage as it includes those who are neither trans(*?) nor cis - genderqueer, agender, etc. - as they don’t - allegedly - belong under the “trans umbrella” - and then of course those who think they do? I’m never sure whether to use it or not, so I tend to take my cue from who I’m speaking to at the time.
I use the Trans* in writing most times as meaning both men, women, and any other identity.
When writing for professional publications, I go by the preference of the publication. Some I work with prefer the * and some don’t. Honestly, I don’t see any rhyme or reason to it (luckily, I can almost always stick to SOGI in my writing)
Thank you Romani for the grammar clarification. I had used it as a verb since I thought of it as a process with a start and a finish. Making up names to protect friends, once the person named Brandy completed the legal process to become Brad, I thought of Brad as Transgendered. As in the gender transition is complete. Past tense. Male through new passport, birth certificate, etc. (I don’t need to know about anatomy, this is a kid the age of my children, TMI). He’s now legally and socially male so I thought past tense was correct. Though when I refer to him it’s always “This is my friend Cathy’s son Brad”., not any qualifiers.
Ah, I got it. Many people refer to the process as “transitioning”
In his case, I believe he would just go by “man” but that is a personal choice. Some choose to drop the trans and others don’t.
Yes, it is a brave new world and one that we’re all still exploring. I, for one, am grateful that I live in a time when we can talk openly about these issues and that there is assistance for people that want to transition. We’re not there yet, but I’d rather be born now than any time in the past!
(Fwiw, I am not trans. I don’t identify as fully female but I go by the term “queer” for both my sexuality and gender. Working in HIV/AIDs though, I constantly have to be up-to-date so as to reduce chances of offending clients who have already many negative experiences with medical personal.)
