<p>Title get your attention? I’m surprised that no one started a thread on this (unless I just missed it) but there has been some news this week about a new study on teen sexual practices that is quite interesting. I talked over some of the results with my son (a senior in HS) and he thinks that the results are quite accurate. It mentioned that FEWER teens 13-14 are sexually active but that MORE teens 15-16 are. It also confirmed that many of the teens that began sex early (13-14) now regret having done so. The study showed that by the time teens graduate from high school, 60% have had a sexual encounter.</p>
<p>One of the most surprising results (to an old guy like me, although I have heard a lot of anecdotal stories confirming this) is that today’s teens consider oral sex much less intimate than intercourse. (I hope this discussion is not too frank for CC). To many teens, it’s “no big deal,” whereas many of the parents would have a completely different view. Of course some see this as a way to be active, yet avoid the possibility of pregnancy. From what I heard, most of that was one-way, and the question was asked of the girls, “What are YOU getting out of it?”</p>
<p>A companion survey of the parents of the teens surveyed showed that they had no idea about any of this.</p>
<p>I feel like I can have a very frank and open discussion with my son on these kinds of topics (as long as the discussion stays relatively general). </p>
<p>Is this something that most parents these days can do?</p>
<p>Sometime, I believe it was last year, the NY Times Magazine had a cover story on just this subject. It was an eye opener for me - especially the “hooking up” aspect of it all which is the oral sex part with multiple partners who are just casual “friends” or so they professed. Although I found it depressing to read about the casualness of it all (this from someone who graduated in 1972 which was the tail end of the “flower power” era), I was glad to read the article.</p>
<p>I have talked with my daughter about this and other related things and plan to continue to. I started talking to her about “stuff” when she was quite little, which has helped. </p>
<p>I have had this discussion with several kids, both mine and others. The bottom line seems to be that kids don’t consider oral sex to be sex. As far as a lot of kids are concerned, it isn’t sex if you don’t have intercourse. I think that this may be a by product of “abstinence only” sex education programs. Those programs spend so much time talking to kids about how wrong intercourse is and that not having intercourse prevents AIDS and pregnancy, that they don’t focus on other aspects of sexuality.</p>
<p>digmedia, I seem to remember a discussion on this topic last year, perhaps it was when that NYTimes article came out. As someone who has counselled teens for many years, I can assure you that the 60% figure is accurate, if anything it is conservative! Many parents are blithely ignorant about what goes on with teens these days and are hiding their heads in the sand believing that their kids aren’t sexually active.</p>
<p>I agree, like you do, that open communication with kids is essential. The problem is, that it can’t start at age 16, it has to be something that’s happened since they were little kids. I consider myself very fortunate with my Ds that we can openly discuss these issues, with a minimum of embarrassment on anyone’s part. I’m not naive enough to believe that I know every single thing that any of them are doing but I do know that they’re well educated on the topic of sexual activity and its consequences, and that also, they know that they can come to me with any problem, at any time.</p>
<p>The oral sex issue is a somewhat confusing one to me. The kids I see are not part of an abstinence based sexual ed program (thank heaven) and yet some of them still see oral sex as not the ‘real thing’. I’m not sure why. The issue of what the girls get from it is an important one. If I remember correctly from the discussions surrounding the NYTimes article, the girls aren’t getting much. It is the boys who are being the ‘benefactors’ of this activity a large majority of the time. Not a good lesson for the girls, or the boys, for that matter. </p>
<p>As for talking to your kids, most of my friends who are comfortable doing this and who have actively done so, have daughters. It seems more rare with sons, which is unfortunate. I applaud your efforts with your son and wish more parents would do so.</p>
<p>It is the boys who are being the ‘benefactors’ of this activity a large majority of the time.</p>
<p>I assume you mean beneficiaries, not ‘benefactors,’ actually.</p>
<p>On a less nitpicky and far more important note, I wholeheartedly endorse Blumini’s recommendation of “Changing Bodies, Changing Selves.” Also, the “Our Whole Lives” sexuality education program–when taught by a sensitive, caring, and thoughtful team of trained adults who build a relationship of mutual trust and respect with a group of young people.</p>
<p>Yes, agreed on that one… Since I’m new to this website, I was wondering whether this constitued an “offensive post” or if it was just someone’s attempt to incite.</p>
<p>Um…I can’t believe that 46% of the people surveyed think that oral sex means loss of virginity…I always thought losing one’s virginity required having actual intercourse</p>
<p>“More than half (54%) of American teens maintain that teens who only engage in oral sex are still virgins.”</p>
<p>I read a fascinating article about the difference between teen sexual attitudes and habits in the Netherlands and USA. Basically, in the Netherlands parents did not view teens as having “raging hormones” and being unable to control themselves. They prefered that if their teens have sex, they have their sleepovers in their own homes, and with partners that they had known for a long time. Teens are viewed as mature and capable of really loving a partner. The teen birthrate in Netherlands is incredibly low. In contrast, Americans have a “not in my house” attitude about their teen’s sexuality. They view teens as having lusts without true love, and not having the maturity to make good choices. (I wonder if that’s why so many kids feel like they have to get wasted to have sex. It helps them abdicate any responsibility for their actions and fits Americans stereotypes of teens.) Of course, our teen birth rate is very high.
Here’s the citation to the article:</p>
<p>Saw a girl in my practice yesterday,HS senior, who is very active and parents completely in the dark. More often than not ,at least in my experience, the Dad knows zip and the Mom a bit more. Most of the girls are on oral contraceptives without parental knowledge.</p>
<p>homeschoolmom, your assumption is correct. I did, indeed, mean beneficiaries. My lack of eloquence can be blamed on a sleepless night coming to the rescue of a friend of D3. He was caught in a situation from which he couldn’t extricate himself, and his parents were out of town.</p>
<p>I will argue that an immature boy, say under the age of 16, can be a victim, rather than a ‘beneficiary’ of aggressive OS. Also, from my point of view, there is often romantic hope attached to providing OS. It’s not as casual as a hug, for instance.</p>
<p>Casual OS, casual sex in general, is the fundamental misunderstanding between our generations. Great to see it discussed openly. Most parents are in denial. One physician with five boys, ages 15 to 22, keeps his top drawer filled with condoms. When his wife revealed this to a table of mothers, more than a few were shocked. These are the most admired boys at school. “Well, he doesn’t have to refill it, does he?” </p>
<p>“All the time.”</p>
<p>The free love of our generation was relationship based–for the most part. Say these kids roll around in a decade of casual OS. How hard will it be to maintain decades-long marriages, so common on this forum?</p>
<p>I think there was a lot more casual sex when I was growing up, and inaccurate information in schools re sex not withstanding, I think teens nowdays are more informed and have a better idea about how sex will affect their relationships.</p>
<p>I agree, Cheers. The problem with casual sex is that some kids can handle, many cannot. And sometimes these kids are in it way too deep before they realize this is not who they want to be. One of things in the “Charlotte Simmons” book that I felt that Tom Wolfe really pin pointed was how the same activity done by a different kid takes a whole different light. There are kids who can fool around all they want, and it is accepted. That doesn’t mean you can just jump on the band wagon. I don’t know whether if it’s the subconscious or the style or what it is. That is why I urge kids not to jump into this sort of thing. It can really be emotionally damaging, ever so painful to find out that you cannot handle this sort of thing. Also you may end up hurting someone who cannot handle casual sex, and that too can be an issue. A little maturity, a little time, scoping out the lay of the land (no pun intended) is really the wise way to go.</p>
<p>Morality aside keep in mind the potential diseases associated with intimate contact…Hepatitis B, HIV, Herpes, HPV,etc. Condoms are not reliable protection. That needs to be emphasized.</p>
My lack of eloquence can be blamed on a sleepless night coming to the rescue of a friend of D3. He was caught in a situation from which he couldn’t extricate himself, and his parents were out of town.</p>