<p>Early this spring we gave our 17 DD use of a car and shortly after she got a part time job. The extra money, the easy access to fast food and eating out with friends has caused her to steadily gain weight. I see fast food wrappers in her car almost every day. </p>
<p>She has always had an average, healthy, athletic build and now most of her clothes don’t fit We went school clothes shopping the other day. I told her that a few options weren’t flattering (didn’t say a word about size). She said “nothing is flattering on me anymore”.</p>
<p>We are a sit down dinner family, have a fridge and pantry filled with fruits and vegetables and non processed food. We eat treats in moderation. When DD talks about being bored or hungry or mentions going to eat with friends, I casually mention healthy suggestions. Other than that, I have no idea what to do.</p>
<p>Has anyone had a similar experience? What did you do?</p>
<p>At this point, you have done most of what you can do. She will have to be self-motivated to eat well and exercise. Be supportive if she asks for your help, but nagging or suggesting healthy alternatives in a veiled attempt to control will just have her more likely to spiral. </p>
<p>I once dated a young lady who had a younger sister. Sister was still in HS. Sister kept putting on weight. Sister went with parents to Mayo for tests. Turns out Sister was 7 months pregnant. It, too, affects women to varying degrees. </p>
<p>Sorry. True story, but just had to lighten the mood.</p>
<p>I think it’s a good idea to take the child to get a physical if there is a significant change in weight. Even if something physical isn’t the cause, the practitioner will look for things like depression or other emotional issues that may lead to stress eating. </p>
<p>The media does enough to make women feel bad about gaining weight, and teen fashions don’t help. No doubt, your daughter is distressed about this, whether or not she is admitting it. I remember as a teen hating it when my mom got on my case if I gained any weight. I’m sure she thought she was helping me, but I hated it. I remember talking to my D about healthy food choices and she assumed I thought she was fat, but that never was the case. I think that the media does so much to tell women that they are fat if they aren’t model thin, that anything a parent says gets taken that way. It’s hard enough to let them know we love no matter what. I have a niece who is obese, and I would try to take her shopping- to get her something pretty to wear, and she’d sob in the store- not wanting to try anything on. It seems that anything I tried to do would backfire. </p>
<p>I don’t think there is a lot we can do that would make them change their eating and unless they ask us, we can’t impose our food choices on them. Once they can go out and get food on their own, they have to choose it. I think if anything helps- if the child is living at home- then the whole family has to eat healthy- not junk food or goodies in the house- otherwise the teen feels singled out. I think making health information available to the teen- get a physical to be sure something physical isn’t going on. A referral to a counselor and /or nutritionist is probably more effective than the emotional interpretation of mom saying it, but then, it really is up to them. </p>
<p>Her routine has changed. She used to get almost all her food from home; now she is free to get a good portion of her food from outside the home. The fact that she has acknowledged that “nothing is flattering on me anymore” means that she is aware of her weight gain. You’ve modeled appropriate eating habits at home. She needs to have the epiphany that what she’s doing is causing the problem. If you can, I’d sit back and wait to see what happens. If, after six more months or so, she’s continued to gain weight, then I think you need to discuss it with her. But, as we all know, the best change is the one that she decides herself to make.</p>
<p>Are there other consequences? Is her face breaking out? That may be a way of approaching it. Or a budget: can yo think of something she wants or should be saving for and could do so by spending less on fast food? Have her write down where her money goes? If she says she’s spending too much on food she buys outside (i.e., fattening fast food), you could offer to pack fruit and other healthy snacks for her. Don’t say “fruit and other healthy snacks” but of course that’s what you put in the bag for her.</p>
<p>It is really really tough, but I think I would avoid saying anything directly. It’s such a spiral; I had it with my kid in middle school. Any little word about offering to help or mentioning clothes not fitting or exercise guides, she interpreted as “You think I’m fat!” Which she wasn’t. So I tried to keep my mouth shut and in freshman year of high school she gained control of her eating.</p>
<p>I mean…if she is currently unhappy with her weight, I doubt she’d be happy with watching the weight go down with time and “moderation”. Back to school season is now and her clothes don’t fit. </p>
<p>I wouldn’t be surprised if she came up with a fitness schedule. </p>
<p>Now, when I came back from my first year if college, my mom commented in how my shirts looked smaller. I shared that I gained weight and I needed to lose it. She commented in how I was very active first semester and reminded me of all that I did and suggested that I do that again if I want to lose the weight. I agreed with her. </p>
<p>Telling her to exercise isn’t a bad thing. She gained weight. She’s unhappy with it. Here’s a solution - exercise. </p>
<p>D gained weight when she stopped wearing jeans and was wearing only yoga pants and sweats. Now she wears jeans at least twice a week so she knows if she’s starting to gain. There is some sort of fat gene in our family and we all gain weight very easily.</p>
<p>You could pack her a lunch and snacks to take to work instead of her spending money to eat out. Sure, I know she is old enough to pack her own, but she may be short on time, and it might be something she appreciates.</p>
<p>No teen wants to be starving though. Consider making healthy, but delicious, substitutes for her favorite treats. Cookies made from coconut or almond flour still have calories, but are more nutritious and filling. Fresh fruit salad, Greek yogurt can be as delicious as ice cream. She may think a diet is carrot sticks and celery, but it is better to change to a healthy lifestyle for the long run. </p>
<p>As Niquii77 says, exercise is good too. Maybe a family membership at a Y or gym would be something the whole family can enjoy. She might like something like Zumba classes or other routine. </p>
<p>I think it would have been perfectly ok, when she said “Nothing is flattering on me anymore” to ask “Why do you think that?” If she says she is gaining weight, then ask “Are you interested in learning more about healthy eating to change that?” Then follow through. Then you are not passing any judgment or pushing unwanted advice, but exploring her perceptions and desires instead. </p>
<p>2016barnardmom, I tried that approach with my seventh-grader and she completely misinterpreted it. But of course that’s a much younger girl at a much more emotionally volatile time in her life.</p>
<p>Nothing will work until she decides to make it work. And, she’s aware of the problem so maybe she will do that sometime soon. I don’t think she needs a doctor or a counselor. She needs a diet and she needs to want to stick to it. No-one can make that happen for her and at 17 it’s going to be heard as nagging and judging which could cause rebellion and make the problem worse before it gets better. But, that’s not a reason to keep quiet, imho. She already knows all of this, anyway.</p>
<p>I have been this teen and a parent who has kids that are often unhappy with their bodies. I find it best to not say a word. You have offered healthy eating tips and they have been ignored. Let her be. When she is unhappy enough with her size the weight will come off. She has to decide for herself and all your “help” now will be considered as criticism of her current size. </p>
<p>I have boys but I was a girl once, so here are a few thoughts:</p>
<p>She knows she has a problem and is distressed by it. You don’t have to say anything, but could gently make some different options available to her and support her in her good choices. I know you aren’t nagging her now; you sound like you are being very sensitive. But she may well be hypersensitive to any real or perceived criticism about her weight and looks. </p>
<p>My boys had chubby periods right before growth spurts. Not really relevant to your situation, except that during those periods I offered them only fruit when they came home from school. They arrived famished and just started eating without thinking, so if I put out watermelon, they ate watermelon, if I put out carrot sticks, they ate carrot sticks. And I had ready to eat cut up fruit and veggies available all the time. (and hid the cookies) They were lazy enough to just eat the lower calorie foods.</p>
<p>I really like the exercise idea. Can you join a gym? Act like it is for you and see if D will go with you to a few classes? Or in the evening change the routine so you go for a walk (do you have a dog?) after dinner? I would come up with a few healthy exercise ideas and then do them yourself, inviting her along. Or set a good example, like get up early and go for a quick run. Take a yoga or Zumba class. Maybe she takes the hint. Are there non restaurant things for teens to do where you live? Bike trails? Volunteering at an animal shelter? Meet at a coffee shop and just have coffee?</p>
<p>It really has to come from her. I’d assume first that the weight gain is as you say, from driving and being able to go out and eat junk food whenever she wants, but I would keep an eye out for any other factors, like boredom, depression, hormonal changes. </p>
<p>I have totally stayed out of it for DD except to make a few suggestions if she asked. This summer after spending time at a festival where she got little exercise and entertainment was going out for food she came the realization herself and started weight watchers with a friend. I have had weight watchers on line and she had looked at it before but this time she was unhappy with the photo shoots they did and made the decision based on her own insight not mine. Now we are doing it together and it helps with the conversation because we compare points Of course she is much older than your DD, but I waited out the 18-25 time.</p>
<p>Typo earlier on… Now, when I came back from my first year of college, my mom commented in how my shorts looked smaller.</p>
<p>Apparently can’t type o’s. Lol</p>
<p>
She shouldn’t keep quiet. Honestly, if your daughter opens up that she’s feeling some sort of way, you should take that opportunity to boost her moral and offer her guidance. Not to keep quiet in fear of being interpreted as nagging. </p>
<p>Frequently, I’ve spoken with my mom about my weight. I have a normal, athletic build. I have and always will have athletic legs. When I gained weight, it would appear in my butt and legs. It would make me feel self-conscious because I didn’t believe athletic looking legs were “beautiful” or acceptable for a “woman’s body”. When I would comment to my mom how I needed to lose the weight in my legs, she would reassure me and boost my moral. She would bring me back to reality and offer me achievable solutions. I could tone up or I could get larger shorts. Get skinnier was not an option because that’s just now how my build is. </p>
<p>Don’t be quiet. Your daughter isn’t speaking up because she doesn’t want you to say anything back. And while she may not be taking your advice, this does not mean she in unaware of it. It will always be in her mind, floating around somewhere. :)</p>
<p>I like the idea of being ready to have a conversation if your D opens up and of being supportive if she is insecure about her body in some specific way. I wouldn’t start the conversation about weight loss, but I would offer compliments when true and appropriate, like if D wore an outfit that was flattering.</p>
<p>I hear you on the athletic build. I had to make peace with mine as well. Other people (and boys!) liked it well enough, but I wanted to be skinny. That will never happen. </p>
<p>Perhaps I sounded more detached than I intended. I never told her she needed to loose weight or that she was gaining weight. Trust me, someone gaining weight knows it. It is depressing to have people constantly mention it. I made sure she had physicals with a doctor she liked and trusted so they could have a conversation and when she made comments herself I made suggestions. I encouraged her to get clothes that looked good no matter what the size. She started to get unhappy with that size. It was not until she owned it herself though that I felt she invited me to take an active part in her decision. </p>
<p>I was this kid. Got a car, worked at fast food place, naturally a “foodie”…and had parents who nagged me relentlessly about my weight. The result? A lifetime of bad habits, yo-yo-ing weight, and a pretty unhealthy relationship with food.</p>
<p>Be kind, but be persistent. Speak the truth in love. And then just let her know that YOU know how hard this is on her. Be her safe place to fall. In the end, I think I ate outside the house in rebellion, because I sure wasn’t getting full at home…emotionally or physically. </p>
Of course she is much older than your DD, but I waited out the 18-25 time.</p>