<p>artie1 ~ appreciate your post. Your concern is shared by all parents I bet and you expressed it so well.</p>
<p>I think you need to let him go. he’s getting good grades and trying different things. He doesn’t need to be a guitar pro or tennis pro. If you push him you might take the fun out of it. That being said, I hope he knows how to study.</p>
<p>When I was that age I got good grades without trying. My first and second year of college I struggled a little. Then a switch went off and I got mostly a’s the rest of the year.</p>
<p>It’s great to have hobbies though. I dabble with the guitar, the drums, tennis, construction, etc. my new thing is ping pong. :)</p>
<p>My teenager is far more organized, disciplined, and driven than I am. I feel pigmy in comparison to her. :)</p>
<p>I naturally prefer talented people vs. hardworking. I don’t want to team with a person who struggles at the limit of his or hers abilities. I like when people have “one more gear”.</p>
<p>Sometimes the kids with rigid self-discipline end up in more trouble than the ones who are like your son. </p>
<p>My daughter has always been type A, perfectionist, and so disciplined that she would color code her homework assignments starting in 6th grade. I am not exaggerating. This worked very well for her until the beginning of 10th grade, when she got very depressed and basically just had an existential crisis because none of it meant anything to her. She felt like she was doing what she expected of herself and what others expected of her, but this gave her zero pleasure. </p>
<p>She got the help she needed, made some radical changes, and is doing well today. (She’ll be starting her first year at Wellesley in a few weeks.) However, she has learned to be on her guard when it comes to “shoulds.” When she starts stressing out about what “must” get done, we are quick to point it out and help her chill a little. </p>
<p>I guess the moral of this story, if there is one, is that both disciplined and undisciplined teens have their struggles.</p>
<p>Great inquiry. I wish I had some magic insight, but I have TWO sons that could be yours. My husband and I have definitely struggled with it because we were both type A and worked very hard academically . . .and we worry about the same lack of self discipline that concerns you. Unfortunately, I don’t really know the answer, and we haven’t pushed (other than in academics where sometimes my guys make me nervous, but not on ECs). I share your feelings though . . .</p>
<p>I have a passionate musician who has decided that academics are useless and irrelevant. Be careful what you wish for – the grass always looks greener somewhere else.</p>
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<p>Right there with you momzie :)</p>
<p>Massmomm: thanks for the reality check.</p>
<p>I always try to remind myself that I’d rather have a happy couch potato than an unhappy overachiever.</p>
<p>ihs76, Do we share the same kid? LOL! I have a D that does VERY well at everything she tries to do with very little effort. She enjoys many things, but is not really passionate about anything. She’s really smart, studies a little, puts forth the obligatory effort and does quite well. IMAGINE what she could do if she REALLY applied herself. 
But she’ll probably never have ulcers, and probably isn’t at high risk for anxiety or depression. She just kinda rocks along, generally content with life and performing above average…</p>
<p>Terrible curse. LOL!!!</p>
<p>I often have to remind myself that she’s an awful lot like me. I have often been told that I’m a jack of all trades, and really a master of none. But what I DO have is excellent problem solving skills. I can just sort of make stuff happen, and make it work. I have done exceedingly well in life with very minimal education. (Honor student, but only an AS degree). I burn it at both ends, but seem to take it in stride - in fact, maybe even thrive on it. I can envision my D being very similar later in life.</p>
<p>Just love that kid, smile and pray a lot. It will all work out! :)</p>
<p>Our HS required reading list for rising sophomores recently switched over to Outliers. Maybe the 10,000 hour thing will catch on for some kids :)</p>
<p>What about the possibility of mild clinical depression? Very common in teens. It strikes me as odd that your son would do well in school while he lacks the motivation to do other things that many people would enjoy working at. But could be a perfectionism thing too, as others might have mentioned here. If some things come easy to him, then he might find it extra-frustrating that he has to work hard for other things.</p>
<p>I don’t see it at all, Fox. He DOES enjoy playing guitar-he just doesn’t want to engage in what he probably sees as tedious practice to get “perfect”. My sister is an amazing seamstress-made her own wedding gown back in the day-very complex skills. But she’s never once considered becoming a professional designer because it’s “fun” to sew as a hobby. She doesn’t want it to become something she HAS to do, day in and day out. </p>
<p>The OP’s son is a teen-when most people like to try new things and see what sticks. They aren’t thinking that they need to get to expert levels in their hobbies for the sake of college apps (which they don’t). It’s not depression to just enjoy life as is.</p>
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In turn I wouldn’t take those comments seriously. At the time those people weren’t willing to give up some other things they preferred doing in order to practice. Today they’d like to play an instrument or tennis or whatever at a proficient level for an hour of enjoyment here or there, all of the pain of learning in the buried in the past. Yet nothing prevents them from taking up those hobbies now; the impediment is the time it takes to learn, which they are no more willing to give up today than they were back in the past. </p>
<p>As for teenagers, I’d bring up a different angle. Wise as they think themselves to be, their observations about the world are actually somewhat limited in duration. They have probably never seen someone pick up a sport or instrument from the start and build a level of proficiency, tending to live more in a bubble centered within a few months of the present. In the OPs case if he were to ask his son about the friend’s tennis ability I bet the son would see it as a rough constant; he was good a while back, is good now, will be good down the road. And that down the road is probably just a few months hence, not what he will be when he goes to college; I think many teenagers don’t have a real long-term view of the world. </p>
<p>No guarantee this would work, but perhaps more information would help. Explaining (or having a tennis instructor explain, no kid wants to listen to their parents!) how long it takes most kids his age to get various levels on the ladder, how much time they put in, the role of deliberate practice instead of just hitting the ball around, might be an eye-opener for him. No pressure, but with an understanding of what he can do and how long it will take to do it, perhaps he will decide its something he wants to give a shot. Or not.</p>
<p>I think the best thing to do is have them do things they are very interested in doing themselves, and interested in working for. I know personally I am very interested in music and take it very seriously. Also, in the past my mom wanted me to do some sort of martial arts. I always told her I didn’t want to and even if she signed me up for it and pushed me to work at it, I really wouldn’t have put much effort into it because I would not have been self-motivated. Recently I came to the discovery that it is important and now I’m working hard to just find a class for it.</p>
<p>If your child is reasonable and mature, try talking to them and putting reason behind what you want from them. For example, if they really love something like piano, you could explain to them that scales are the foundation of piano and music, and by knowing scales and being able to play them well you can play many, many things. Or for something like martial arts, you could explain that it is important to know self defense in this day in age. For example, if their little sister was to be grabbed by a random stranger, they would be defenseless other than screaming or trying to hit the person, which really wouldn’t do much. But, if they did self defense they could protect their little sister from anything like that.</p>
<p>I know your scenarios aren’t exactly like those, but they are examples. Hopefully you can come up with something for you and your child. Honestly, if they are not self motivated they will hate what they are doing and carry that memory with them as they grow up. Nothing good will come out of it.</p>
<p>Good luck! (By the way, I’m a teen myself. I do very well with self motivated things, but with things I hate but am forced to do, well, I hate.)</p>
<p>OP here…</p>
<p>Just to clarify- he’s a very happy kid. I think the posters who talked about perfectionism and having school come easy for him are close to the mark- I’ve talked to him about that before. We’ve tried to praise him when he works hard rather than just when he gets an easy A without working for it.</p>
<p>Artie1, good topic. I am going a bit against the majority here. For the most part, I have a ‘child-led’ method of parenting, but in the past few years have realized that 2 of my boys sometimes need a push. The few times I have pushed them, it was successful. My youngest has some anxiety issues and is often fearful of trying something and not succeeding. He likes to be perfect, hates being wrong. So, my question would be, is your son afraid of not succeeding with tennis/music lessons? To go out for the tennis team, does it feel safer to join this team as a complete novice because the expectations are lower? I tend to encourage my youngest with ‘let’s give this a try for XX weeks’ and if it’s not a good fit, we can drop it. I had to give my middle son an ultimatum and tell him he either had to go out for chorus or drama club. He did drama club, and it is now his entire life. Deep down I knew it was where he should be. I am very selective about encouraging and ultimatums. I guess, if I feel they are fearful of NOT succeeding and that is the reason why they back off, I give a supportive nudge.
I do agree that if you have a happy, well adjusted kid who is dabbling and experimenting, leave him be!</p>
<p>I wish that my parents would have motivated me and supported me better. Lots of parents and other family members think that buying a whole bunch of starter kits and books for their kids is helpful, but that’s the “easy way out” of actually encouraging them. If my parents had expressed more than a superficial interest in my activities then I might have accomplished more.</p>
<p>Omg, artie, this sounds so much like my son I could have written it. I too worry. The only breakthrough was when HE decided to take martial arts at 17, and now there’s no stopping him. But to decide other things, more practical things, he’s adrift. Contrast to my D who is extremely driven. In the bigger picture, I heard on talk radio (always a reliable source) that this is endemic. Their example was how many kids these days don’t even care about getting their licenses. Have we just overwhelmed our kids with too many choices, too much bad news? Anyone have suggestions here?</p>
<p>As a teenager, having my parents PUSHING ME to do something just ****es me off. Sometimes, i do things just to spite them because they are always pushing me. That may not be all teenagers, but the best way to have you kids do something is gently nudge him into it.</p>