<p>I’m looking for thoughts out there from parents with teenagers regarding drive and self-discipline.</p>
<p>How rare do you think these qualities are in teens? The reason I ask is that my 16 years old son is a great kid with straight A’s but he doesn’t have to work hard for them. He likes music and enjoys playing guitar but isn’t willing to do the “grunt work” of learning scales etc.</p>
<p>He’s learning tennis- he wants to be on the hs team with his buddy, but won’t take any instruction at all (I’m not a dictator on the court- since we’ve been out about 10 times I’ve made only 1 suggestion, the rest of the time complimenting the good shots he’s made).</p>
<p>He does work when we ask him- he’s not obstreperous- just disinterested in doing anything on his own that requires self-discipline or is “boring”.</p>
<p>Of course my wife and I would love it if he were studying an academic subject of his own free will, picking up a book without our suggestion, doing the hard work (deliberate practice) on guitar for areas on which he needs work, asking how to get better at tennis etc.</p>
<p>Do other parents out there have the same issue? </p>
<p>I’m not complaining in the sense that I feel lucky to have a good kid with a good heart, but I become concerned about his future if he’s not willing to do the hard work to improve himself (the phrase I always heard was “you need to apply yourself”).</p>
<p>I’m looking for opinions on whether this is a personality trait or more just a temporary trait related to the age group.</p>
<p>How hard do you push your teenagers to take their interests seriously? I know other people in my age bracket (50’s) that say “if only I’d taken piano (or other endeavor) more seriously”. I just don’t want him saying the same thing 40 years from now.</p>
<p>Pushing a kid to take his interests seriously could backfire. It could prompt him to stop the activity completely.</p>
<p>Both of my kids played band instruments in school, and both played well. One chose to participate in judged auditions (solo festivals) and to try out (successfully, as it turned out) for all-county and all-state honors bands. The other refused to participate in any musical activity that involved competition. He loved music, but he said that turning it into a competitive activity would ruin it for him. If my husband and I had pushed him, he would have given up playing his instrument rather than compete.</p>
<p>Yet a few years later, this same young person showed considerable drive and self-discipline – when it was for a purpose that he had chosen himself. Although he’s not naturally good at math, he wanted to major in a subject in college that requires several math courses. He wanted this very badly. He suffered through the necessary math courses and worked hard enough to get at least Bs in all of them. He now has the degree he wanted, and he’s working at a job in that field.</p>
<p>When your son really wants something – for his own reasons – I think he will do what’s necessary to achieve his goals.</p>
<p>I agree with Marian. S1 is a great person, willing to work hard at something worthwhile or for someone he admires, but hasn’t yet found a passionate interest. Maybe he never will. But he seems happy with his life. S2 found music when he was about 14. He regularly practiced 4-8 hrs. a day without anyone asking him to because he wanted to master the instrument. He still works at music many hours a day. It is his profession and his passion. </p>
<p>I remember buying a Nintendo back when S1 was a child and it came out, hoping he would get “obsessed” with something. It didn’t work. He’s one of those who can play video games and stop whenever he feels like it.</p>
<p>When it comes to tennis, maybe he is just not open about taking institutions from you and should take lessons from another person/coach. I know my mom always said that, ever since I was young, I always didn’t take well to doing any sorts of lessons (swimming, language, driving) with my parents, and that’s very true. I learned perfectly well from coaches/teacher/instructors though, which is why my mom wisely signed me up for driving lessons, rather than trying to have one of the parents teach me (I drove with them, but they weren’t the primary instructor). Just throwing it out there - having a parent as the instructor doesn’t work well for every kid. </p>
<p>And actually, it may extend to other things too - if you are pushing him on these things, he may simply not want to do them for that very reason.</p>
<p>In high school, I rarely read for fun. I was too burnt out from reading in school. I wanted to play piano but was never more motivated to learn anything other than some Christmas songs. I was still a close to straight A student in high school and undergrad. I must’ve been doing something right as I got accepted to every grad school I applied to. </p>
<p>Was it related to age? Maybe, but to be honest- I’m still incredibly lazy when I get home. I work my butt off in school and work, but I game when I get home lol. I still have a piano and want to play but no motivation. I got back into pleasure reading when I worked at a library. </p>
<p>You might underestimate the amount of work he’s doing for those straight-As. Ask my parents and I never did any work in high school but the truth was that I did a lot of it at lunch, during other classes (yeah, terrible habit), and late at night after they’d gone to sleep. School comes easily to some people. </p>
<p>If he’s a good kid that gets good grades, I wouldn’t worry too much. At this point, he really needs to do things for himself and not his parents. He’ll find a passion or he’ll figure out that skating doesn’t work. I doubt pushing him will make him “see the light” so to speak. </p>
<p>I wouldn’t push him too hard. It sounds like he was a great kid and he’ll be fine. I was a lot like him (and still am =D). I do wish I had kept playing piano and soccer, but one of The reasons I quit was because my parents had picked it for me and I dreaded talking to them about what I did wrong (and what I did right, so it’s not just criticism that isn’t always taken well). When he finds something that he really cares about and that he needs to work harder for, he’ll likely rise to the occasion. Everyone I know who is like this, always worked hard when they found something that mattered to them. Some people are just relaxed and low-key about things. That’s not necessarily cause for concern.</p>
<p>I was driven as a kid. I had activities and crafts that I loved and I threw myself in to them.</p>
<p>Neither of my kids has done this with their activities. Both have excelled in a couple of areas, but neither one was as in to the things the way I was where they chose to improve and work on things on their own. I do not know why. Part of it may be that things were just so much easier for them.</p>
<p>He actually sounds like a good kid who will probably do well. He like tennis and music, but it seems like YOU’RE the one wanting him to turn those things into “passions” that will look good on a college app. Stop it. He is a “great kid” with straight A’s and some varied interests-what more do you want?</p>
<p>I have one kid who never was interested in competitive sports, and another who was on her HS team in her favorite sport. My third is interested in NO sport, but has taken more kinds of dance classes than I can recall. One reads all the time, always has. Another prefers to read only what interests him-mostly how to hack games or fix some kind of motor. My third prefers stupid chick lit and non-fiction, but only on her terms. And so on. My point is that everyone has their own path, we can’t make it for them. My dancer would dance even if I blocked the door and threw away her music. My fixer would find something to dismantle and reassemble, and the team sports one still finds ways to challenge herself physically years out of HS.</p>
<p>Funny, you could be describing my S in many ways. He was good with guitar but never had to practice, varsity tennis with no effort. I always thought if he would apply himself he could be a great tennis player instead of a really good tennis player. </p>
<p>I always try to tell my kids that I’d rather hire the person who had to work for their grades or sales or position, rather than someone who was naturally gifted and didn’t have to put effort in.</p>
<p>I guess my question to you, though, is, how does he spend his down time? If he is getting good grades, enjoying guitar for fun, and otherwise occupied in a good way, then I woud not sweat it. If he decides he wants to make the varsity tennis team, he’ll realize that he needs to practice or take lessons etc. I don’t think you can instill that “passion.” He may be a more cerebral kid, as I discovered my S was.</p>
<p>I think drive and self-discipline are as rare in teens as they are in adults.
His good grades come from more than thin air. The “he doesn’t have to work for them” may be from natural talent and smarts (yea!) but there is always some work involved. He just makes it look easy. It’s tiring just being a teen and growing up. Heck, being a good kid and getting along with the parents takes work.
I think it’s better to let hobbies not become work of any kind. The tennis drills will seem fun if that’s your talent, guitar picking and piano scales will be less work if that what you find fun. There are SO many things that one can do. My son used to say he just wanted to be a renaissance man–dabble in it all. When and IF a true interest is found then the real work will begin. Parents hopefully provide the opportunity to try those things without an overabundance of pressure. If an interest does exist (like his tennis) then he needs outside lessons (not from mom or dad) to really make it happen (just my opinion)</p>
<p>Post 9–"Funny, you could be describing my S in many ways. He was good with guitar but never had to practice, varsity tennis with no effort. I always thought if he would apply himself he could be a great tennis player instead of a really good tennis player. "</p>
<p>I don’t think there is anything wrong with being good rather than great at guitar, a decent tennis player rather than the best and to be able to do either without huge effort is a real gift. Unless you want to pursue either one as a career in someway, what is the point?</p>
<p>How can you possibly tell this? Just curious. </p>
<p>So if a 3.8+ GPA comes naturally, how can you fault that person for not having to put a lot of effort in when those same grades don’t need as much effort from them as a “naturally” 3.0-3.3ish GPA student? </p>
<p>Someone needs to clue The Gypsey in. He’s not saying that it’s bad to not work for good grades, he’s saying that if two people had similar grades and one was hard working and the other lazy he would choose the hard worker</p>
<p>Don’t push him too hard. Look around at other kids. There are plenty of kids whose parents have them in too many activities so much so that the kids have no down time. It usually back fires at some point. I ask my kids to get good grades and be a member of at least 1 activity of their choice.</p>
<p>If you just want to have him join a group or activity you could always try what my dad did when I was in High school. He told me I could either join a sport or club at school and spend my time doing that OR I could come home every day and spend that time cleaning the house. Umm… yeah I made sure and had a sport or activity all year long.:)</p>
<p>There is so much emphasis on EC’s now as part of college applications and the word is that it is better to have one or two strong activities (passions) rather than several activities done in a more casual way. This may be what admins prefer, but personally I don’t see it.</p>
<p>My older child was a travel soccer player for several years. Liked it a lot and loved her teammates but not really “passionate” about it. It used to drive H nuts that she didn’t work on her soccer skills outside of scheduled practices. She started dancing in middle school and gave up soccer. Dance actually was a passion for her. In addition to the studio team and the HS team she happily spent time dancing at home. Practiced until she was sore and bruised.</p>
<p>S has had a different experience. He didn’t show much natural ability in any of the many sports he tried. The better coaches worked with him, but others simply ignored all but the better athletes. S also didn’t really care for the team sport culture. Did band and school musicals in MS and enjoyed both but not to the extent of wanting to continue in HS. Unlike his sister, his HS activities have been all over the map. He attends a school with a huge variety of clubs and activities, the activities are part of the school day and everything is very inclusive. (totally opposite of the HS D attended). S has taken advantage of this and has chosen to “sample” a lot of things. He is now a rising senior and has only done one or at the most two of these activities for the entire four years. Supposedly this doesn’t “look good” to the college admins, but I think there is a lot to be said for exploring interests as a teen and am letting the chips fall.</p>
<p>That said, last year (junior year) was the first time that S had to really work to get good grades. He stepped up and did it. He also went from being somewhat of a couch potato to being very disciplined in working out. I would never have called that one a year ago. I’m really proud of him.</p>
<p>artie1 ~ you mentioned piano so I’ll add ~ D had years of lessons. I had been a fairly serious piano student. Son took 2 years. Ten years later now husband, who had no formal musical training, is the only one in the household to play, daily actually.</p>
<p>I think that, for most people and especially for most teens, it is situational and related to maturity.</p>
<p>I’ve seen so many kids turned off of an activity when it becomes a chore instead just a pleasant thing to do. When she was 10, My niece loved picking out show tunes on the piano, and singing along; my sister in law got her piano lessons --and all of a sudden piano was all about scales, and practice, and being grounded if she did not practice, or practice long enough, or if she “fooled around” with show tunes instead of scales–my niece has not touched a piano since she was 13.</p>
<p>When someone reaches a point in life when they CARE about something, things tend to take care of themselves. My youngest son is a B+ student…obviously he could have gotten a few more As. Over the years we noticed a pattern–not great on exams (he hates memorizing/regurgitating/multiple choice etc) but As on papers and projects. Once he got to college, and started working internships? Every internship he has knocked it out of the park. He graduated in May, and while his original job offer fell through, last week he started a perfect full time job–and, while it’s early–he seems to be thriving.</p>
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