Tell Me I am Not Alone

Parent Cafe
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<p>I wonder how much of your concern for your S might be mixed up with fear due to the disappointment you feel about your father. </p>

<p>Back in nursing school, we were taught to evaluate family history for diseases, even if they weren’t hereditary, simply because personal experience with the problem can result in a heightened fear of dealing with it again. I suspect your son is well aware of having disappointed a lot of people, and is also aware of your expectations. He is not going to be able to satisfy you today or tomorrow, and that can feel defeating in and of itself.</p>

<p>Try to help him establish realistic goals. A realistic goal is NOT “get a job tomorrow.” A realistic goal might be: get on the Internet and find five jobs that look interesting. Create a resume. Download applications. Step-by-step. Be sure to suggest some positive traits he has, that he should highlight on his resume. Let him know that your great expectations of him come from knowing what he CAN do, not what he did or didn’t do. Let him feel your belief in him. Your job in this, especially from a distance, is to be cheerleader.</p>

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<p>^Great advice. </p>

<p>I am currently dealing with “simply because personal experience with the problem can result in a heightened fear of dealing with it again” with my D. That is trying.</p>

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<p>In addition to Binx’s helpful list, I would suggest he (perhaps with the help of someone else) go over some questions: what does he like? what are his skills? what are his strengths? his shortcomings? Does he like being outdoors? Is he good with people or shy and retiring? What kinds of experiences did he have in college that he enjoyed and might be useful in his job search?</p>

<p>I suggest that he focus less on choosing a career than getting a job. Go to Monster.com, see what kind of jobs are available in his locality, what kinds of skills are required. Perhaps he would be able to land of those jobs. At the same time, he should also have some temporary job, whether as a waiter, housepainter, or whatever. It’s important not only to earn some money but to give structure to his days. My S and his friends have summer jobs and internships and they all comment how different it is from college, with its more flexible schedule, time between classes, etc…</p>

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<p>I’ve got one of those sons, which I gather is a rarity on CC.</p>

<p>What worked for us was the fact that our son did NOT want to move home after graduating, but he had to because he had no money and no job prospects. After a couple of months of living with his dad and mom (and our rules, such as curfew), he got motivated really quickly. Unfortunately, he couldn’t find a job in our area that paid enough for him to live on his own.</p>

<p>I e-mailed a couple of relatives and let them know our son was searching for a job. One of the relatives got our son an interview at her company in another city, which led to a job offer (with great benefits…yay.) My formerly unmotivated son is now completely self-supporting, which–believe it or not–has been a huge motivator for him. He sent me beautiful flowers on Mother’s Day this year with a card that read, “Thanks for not giving up on me.” It was the best Mother’s Day present ever.</p>

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<p>Anitaw - I’m confused – in your OP you wrote,

. But then in post 19 you wrote,

Those obviously would be two very different things.</p>

<p>I am not trying to give you a hard time. I understand that because you live overseas you might want to give your son a solid start. The job my son took required him to relocate and to have a car – so he probably had about $5000-$7000 in expenses right away just to take the job. He paid that on his own, but if he hadn’t been able to and had come to me needing help, I would have been inclined to do what I could.</p>

<p>However, I would expect that if I gave my son $5000 or $10,000 he would use that for initial expenses but realize that it wouldn’t last long and focus on earning more. But I think if I gave my son $50,000 – he’d step back and start thinking about how he could invest that money to maximize its value and make it last longer. And I think if I gave my daughter $50K she’d go on vacation and travel around the world, and settle on a job after she got back. (Different kids – my son’s a saver, my daughter’s a spender).</p>

<p>Obviously I don’t know how much you gave your son, but my impression from the initial post is that it was a lot more than you said later on. And I am trying to simply point out how de-motivating it can be to have a lot of money on hand and no particular need to work, especially for a young person who lacks confidence in his own work abilities or who has no clear idea of what he wants to do. </p>

<p>You really can’t live your son’s life for him – whether he shows “initiative” or not is up to him. Even if you gave him nothing, he might be the kind of person with very little ambition who would be happy living on a minimal income or drifting from job to job. However, if he is that kind of person, when you give him a lot of money, you eliminate any need for him to change. So I think right now you have to back off and wait until your son decides to change on his own – depending how much money he has on hand, that could be a very long time. </p>

<p>Think of it from his perspective. Perhaps he is looking at some jobs that do not sound very interesting and exciting. A classmate who needs the money might be very grateful to take one of those jobs, but your son has plenty of money in the bank… so why should he spend his days working at a job he doesn’t think he would like? The problem is that my hard-working, initiative-showing son would not be where he is today if he hadn’t accepted a job that he didn’t think he would like 5 years ago, and he did that because he was up against my “get a job or move out” deadline. It is on-the-job where young people often make important discoveries about themselves, and the path to promotion to interesting jobs is often through entry-level jobs that do not seem very interesting.</p>

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<p>The graduation gift is enough for 6-8 months, in total he has enough for 2 years. He lived his early life in Alaska and we banked all his permanent fund distributions for him and this plus other monies saved basically gives him enough for 2 years of frugal living. He really has no career ambitions at the moment, he just wants a first job. We have discussed what he feels his strengths, affinities, working environment preferences might be. As I mentioned, he loved his college and we talked about why and what he learned about himself from the activities he did and loved. He wants a relaxed ‘non-Dilbert cubicle’ environment. He is not keen to do something physical or ‘officious.’ He likes the idea of a non-profit, but really has no evolved interests in this area. I feel like I am pulling teeth as I extract this information in the sense that he has just simply given this no thought, it is clear…
As mentioned by helpful posters often, I have no control over his reactions, only my own. So, we will pace this so that he follows through with ideas we have generated together with my probing and prompting. This boy was perfectly prepared for the academics of college, but is simply unprepared for ‘life.’ Luckily, I have had some insights into his many strengths lately- he is patient, he can talk with people of all ages, he is unfailingly polite and good humoured. He solves problems presented to him. All these are good… It occurs to me that he just needs a rolling start…and likely good things will happen.</p>

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<p>Anitaw, give him a little time. It is very stressful to some young people at this stage of transition, and when anxiety sets in, they freeze and do nothing. I am wondering if there is a non-relative third party that your son trusts and can seek some advice ? What are his close friends from college doing? My D, the more laid back of my kids, is more influenced by her peers and set the bar for achievements relative to her friends’ achievements.</p>

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<p>I read in our local newspaper that 75-80% of college graduates land a job through some sort of connection such as family, friends, teachers, college career centers, or alumni networks. Has your son exhausted all these possibilities?</p>

<p>Here are a couple more resources. The following website indexes job listings from all the major job boards, newspapers, associations, and company career pages in one convenient place:</p>

<p>[Job</a> Search | one search. all jobs. Indeed](<a href=“http://www.indeed.com/]Job”>http://www.indeed.com/)</p>

<p>Since your son might be interested in a non-profit career, have him check out the following website:</p>

<p>[idealist.org</a> - Welcome to Idealist.org - Imagine. Connect. Act.](<a href=“http://www.idealist.org/]idealist.org”>http://www.idealist.org/)</p>

<p>If your son knows the general location where he wants to work, he should identify local companies of interest and check their webpages to see if they’re hiring. Many small companies never post jobs on major job boards.</p>

<p>My son did temp work in his chosen field while he was job hunting. He submitted his resume to all the major temp agencies and ended up getting temporary jobs through several of them. Since many companies now do all their hiring through temp-to-hire or contract work, temp agencies are a good place to start a job search and/or gain relevant work experience.</p>

<p>I know it’s hard, but try not to worry too much. Your son will eventually figure things out!</p>

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<p>“he is patient, he can talk with people of all ages, he is unfailingly polite and good humoured. He solves problems presented to him. All these are good…”</p>

<p>Sounds like public relations or concierge services. Since he is open to the idea of non-profits, he should look into health facilities. Many hospitals are now including concierge services for patients.</p>

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<p>anitaw, judging from my son and his friends – who range across a wide spectrum of potential career fields – many kids seem to consider the time immediately following graduation, one to two years, to be a second “gap” year. A cooling down period before heating up again for serious career consideration or graduate school. </p>

<p>My son was lucky to find an ideal job in a city in which he wanted to live through his college’s career center. </p>

<p>Had this not worked out then he would have simply moved to one of several places on his radar, found a place to live and started pounding the pavements. This prospect was extremely stress-ridden as all of his close friends were otherwise committed to jobs or volunteer opportunities in places that were not appropriate for his area of interest.</p>

<p>Since moving into his old bedroom is not an option for your son (as it wasn’t for mine), I’d say the first consideration is to find an apartment in the place that he’s chosen to live. Craig’s list is a *terrific *resource for shared rentals and even though it seems intimidating to live with a stranger, recent grads do seem to find each other and living with roommates makes a good transition from college life.</p>

<p>Once a place to call home is secured – and the other necessities taken care of (e.g., furniture, bank account, insurance, car if necessary) – then it will be much, much easier to tackle the job issue. </p>

<p>I recently had the pleasure to meet with a friend of my son’s who is on a Teach for America assignment in an isolated, rural location. It sounds like a wonderful experience.</p>

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<p>Anitaw–I could have written your post. Except mine didn’t make it through the senior year–could do the work, just chose not to. Was on Dean’s List or near it most of the time. In our case, it was possible for him to come home; doing this from another country where that is not possible is so much tougher, so i can see the necessity of the money gift if it’s feasible. We did insist on a job, and S is working hard. It’s been a tough spring/summer as we work on re-adjusting to what will be (and basically, losing all sense of certainty–time for the Keatsian negative capability to kick in.) Recently, we got together with family for annual joint vacation. AFter S was gone, several family members told us that he’d seemed opener, more personable, and happier than they’d seem him in years. Getting that perspective meant a lot to us.</p>

<p>Perhaps your S will use the gift of time to figure out what he really needs to do–a year without time sopped up with work could be a gift to a lot of people. He could volunteer, try internships, maybe figure out he has a hobby or skill that could be a job. Maybe the white collar world isn’t for him.</p>

<p>The one issue to look into is medical insurance. Our S can be on ours till December, hopefully by then his will kick in. For someone not working, other plans need to be made.</p>

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<p>Yup, got one of them.</p>

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<p>So nice to debrief here and then have calm and logical discourse with him! He is amenable to a piecemeal situation where he does some work for beefing up the resume and skill set, some for maintaining the bank account. Now that he really does have a clear idea where he would like to live (and family is there, and friends are there and it is a practical choice) I think my simultaneous task will be to get him to find a place to live. I do think many of you are right, he sees this as a bit of a break before real life kicks in- fine, but even that takes a ‘to do’ list! </p>

<p>Is there a Dummy’s Guide to Launching Yourself After a Liberal Arts Education ???</p>

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<p>Williams actually offers a January term class titled, “Composing a Life:” Finding Success and Balance in Life After Williams. (Of course, my son opted not to take it.)</p>

<p>Try arranging to have a mattress delivered to a 5th floor walkup in a no-parking zone for real-life challenge.</p>

<p>Once your son is settled in wherever he chooses to live his peer group will kick in with support and suggestions for staying solvent. The world of work has also changed quite a lot over the past decade and the concept of the free agent (vs team-player) is lot more prevalent than it used to be. I’ve found this generation to be more about ME than about the organization and even having two simultaneous jobs – e.g., one paid, like waitering, one unpaid, like volunteering for a cause – is not uncommon, as you say a balance between skill set and bank account building.</p>

<p>If he is planning graduate school, then the years after undergrad will count in the resume building category as well with the job – paid or unpaid – being the equivalent of the EC in undergrad applications.</p>

<p>From what I can tell among my son’s friends, parental contributions during the experimental period between undergrad and graduate school are fairly common, especially if your child is living in an expensive urban area. A lot of people feel strongly that this is not a good thing, but I believe, if you’re able to do it, you don’t need to feel guilty about it.</p>

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<p>We will likely be helping our son (and maybe our daughter) when they graduate from college. But we will not give them a lump sum of money. We will send them a monthly amount based on a shortage they might have while getting themselves established after college. And we will help pay their college loans (the monthly payment on the loans is FAR less than the monthly payments we are making now). I want my kids to make the best effort they can to get a job and be as self supporting as possible. I won’t give them a large bankroll because there would be too much of a temptation to just use that and not become self sufficient. BUT I WILL help them financially if/when needed. </p>

<p>I guess I see your point about giving the living monies to your son upon graduation because you live overseas and he doesn’t have the option of living with you. But I guess what I’m saying is that I would have not given a lump sum. Just my humble opinion.</p>

<p>I am a little confused, however. You say that you gave your son 6-8 months of living expense money, but he already HAD enough money so that the total including his own savings could support him for almost two years. Unless I’m misinterpreting this, that means he had at least 12 months of cash to support himself without your graduation gift. I think you were more than generous…maybe too generous.</p>

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<p>I’ve got one of them too. Underemployed and not motivated to seek more. Yes, we are disappointed. However, he just may be on a different pace than we are. We have helped him financially, here and there, but he has blown some lump sums that he received, along with some other things, so we see that he is going to have to learn some things the hard way on his own. You see, when you give someone money, you cannot control what they are going to do with it. It is their right to spend or misspend it as they choose. If there is some luxury or item that I want my son to have, I’ll pay directly for it, but not give him loose money. </p>

<p>It has been painful even in some little ways. Example: cellphone. He could not keep one. Kept losing it. After foolishly replacing it a few times, I am done with that. Yes, it hurts not being able to reach him. Has given me pains at times. He now has one of those cheapie, pay by the minute phones that is entirely his responsibility. He has to do without credit cards as well since he could not financially manage his. I have been appalled and saddened by his lack of maturity. </p>

<p>However, he is a “good” person. Kind, generous, with decent moral standards. Not hurtful in the least. He has a job, health insurance. I think that perhaps I enabled him too much in areas where he just was not strong, and he needs to painfully learn these things himself. I just hope he learns.I fear that he is like some folks I know who never got it.</p>

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<p>Cptof the house:
in this world, that is not to be taken lightly. there are a great many highly successful people who could not be described thusly. We might want our kids to be professionally and personally high-fliers, and we probably want them to be good people, too. the combo might be perfect, but given the realities of choice, I think that good, kind people is paramount. I myself would hate the converse. </p>

<p>Let us treasure our good, kind young men (and women) and help them learn to negotiate an independent life in a world that is often neither good nor kind.</p>