<p>Our 23 year old is 1 month out of college and I am convinced that although he loved his school, he did absolutely no growing or evolving during that time and his ‘bubble life’ has him completely ill prepared for what is next. He managed to completely ignore the career counseling on campus it seems, he got indifferent grades and he had EC committments where he showed up and did what he had to, but he created and initiated nothing. HE never followed through on chances to garner internships, he worked summer jobs which were facilitated by various family members. </p>
<p>What makes this more disappointing is that family members who have gone out on a limb to help him ‘launch’ are now feeling let down by him and his lack of response to their efforts and the opportunities which might emerge from them.</p>
<p>My husband and I paid for his entire education and we gave him a generous gift upon graduation such that he could live for about 2 years on the money he has (from us, saved, etc). We have informed he is ‘off the payroll’ as far as we are concerned and that we are here for moral support and as sounding boards, but that we expect him to live by himself and make the situation work. I think we could be criticized for not having seen this coming and having ‘indulged him’ on some level, but he is hardly ‘spoiled’ ( not surprisingly he does not ask for much) and he is a fundamentally decent person with good morals etc…just no initiative. I guess we could have given him no gift, but even then he has money saved (he never spends). The idea of the gift was that if he had a job he could use the money for travel, a car, investment…and if he didn’t he could live on the money while he found a job. </p>
<p>I should also add he has a brother a year behind him in school who is absolutely the polar opposite on all these issues. He seizes and creates opportunities and shows initiative and appreciation. </p>
<p>I just need to hear from others that they had children like this at this age who turned it around, and practically speaking what they feel helped their child to turn around. Please indulge me with optimistic anecdotes.</p>
<p>So what is he doing now? It would help to know if he is living at home, looking for a job, playing all night, sleeping all day, etc. </p>
<p>I have 3 S’s and each has taken their own time to find their way. S1 after several false steps finally landed the job that makes him happy and is pursuing his next step, law school. He is 27 now. We supported him living at home for a couple of transitions. Charged him rent the first time. He has been on his own now for 2 years. S2 is 25, dropped out after 2.5 years. Has been working maintenance jobs and is heading back to school this fall with an idea of what he wants now. We charged him rent when he came home and he moved out shortly after that. Has not asked for support. We were more indulgent with S3 who is 22. When he failed out after 2 years we let him live at home while looking for work. He tried moving out for a while but it is too expensive and moved back. We finally told him to pay rent or go to community college or move out. He is applying to community college. I think we should have applied the rent earlier to get him moving. He had been playing around with part time jobs until we did that. </p>
<p>BTW - all were excellent HS students, AP and honor rolls. S1 went through college fine, the other 2 struggle with going to class instead of playing. </p>
<p>It seems like the light has kicked in around age 25. Don’t know why but I think is it an S thing. DD is not like that at all. DH flunked out when he went to college the first time, but there was a draft and he grew up in the Army. Maybe it’s genetic :)</p>
<p>The good news, it really did happen for the older ones, I expect it will for S3 too.</p>
<p>You can only choose your own actions – you can’t control how your son reacts. Sounds like you’ve done your job. Sit back and see what happens. Good work.</p>
<p>To the OP, I don’t see this as a failure - just a delay. Start figuring out what rewards and/or consequences you are willing to impose for steps in the right direction. Have your S outline some realistic, attainable goals, and steps toward reaching them. Help him understand the “natural consequences and rewards” as well as any you might wish to impose. </p>
<p>And another thought – I wonder if your S is backing off because of the successes of younger sibling. Can’t lose if you take yourself out of the competition. So be careful about drawing comparisons, and encourage your S to find his own niche. Let him feel your support and acceptance, even when laying down the law.</p>
<p>A business associate had a son graduate from a midwest college a year ago and I remember she wasn’t too sure about what would happen with him after graduation. The next time we met about 6 months later, she told me that he ended up getting a very well paying job in a totally different field than was on his degree.</p>
<p>Career counseling services should still be available through his college. Even long distance, if it’s far away. I agree with the natural consequences/rewards approach, too. </p>
<p>Hey, maybe Audio is on to something… can he start teh job search in the plastics industry?</p>
<p>A friend of mine had an older sister who dropped out of college, moved north, opened a pet store, dated some drummers, jettisoned the store, moved south, married a guy in the army, divorced the guy in the army, finished her degree, became a drug rep, got into med school, graduated from med school, and landed a residency with one of the most prestigious surgery programs in the nation and is about to marry another very nice doctor.</p>
I know you love your son and and have given him so much out of your love… but in the process you left him with no reason or motivation to show initiative or look for work. He has never had to earn money or fend for himself. Motivation often flows from need, and you have made sure that the “need” was never there.</p>
<p>Thanks to all. I appreciate the ideas and anecdotes. In fact, Calmom, the gift, for example, came on graduation day and he had already spent the entire senior year- his entire college experience in fact- not looking or preparing for what came next. Also, his brother gets the same support and is a complete go-getter. Kids are just different. This boy was the easiest toddler on the planet. What can I say?!</p>
<p>He now thinks he knows where he would like to live, there are lots of family nearby, and he understands the kinds of jobs he might look for as an entry level employee… a start.</p>
<p>Chances are, he’ll be fine. I would suggest, though, that you practice saying, “No, you may not move back home. No, we cannot give/lend you money.” He’ll figure it out for himself … as long as he HAS to.</p>
<p>What’s wrong with moving back home? S did, worked part time while figuring out what he wanted to do, then went to grad school. He’s now living on his own and has a good job. Having that extra year and our support meant that he did not have to take any old job that was offered. It would be different if the OP’s son went home and truly idled away.</p>
<p>Well, you did ask to be told you weren’t alone…</p>
<p>When I read your first paragraph, I had to read it aloud to my D. She said–except for the EC part, you could have been writing about us! </p>
<p>She’s starting a job next week, so there is hope. I’m sure that once he has an idea of what areas interest him, he’ll turn up the gas. Obviously, what the family and friends network has come up for him doesn’t ring his chimes.</p>
But you also said that you “paid for his entire education”. Did he have to earn his own spending money along the way? Pay for his own books? What about during summers-- did he have to pay his own way then? Does he have loans to pay off?</p>
<p>Keep in mind that looking for and finding work is a learned skill. The young people who needed to work summer jobs in high school for spending money, and who relied on work-study and summer employment during college to make ends meet, are way ahead in terms of knowing how to frame their own employment goals and how to get the jobs they want.</p>
<p>And if you were disappointed with the lack of initiative you had seen during your son’s senior year… then why the gift? I don’t think that gifts should be given as either punishments or rewards… but at the same time it seems from your post that you were very lavish in reinforcing behavior you don’t like. A $5000 cash graduation gift would have been lovely but would have sent a very different message than some sum of cash that you feel is adequate to meet all his needs for 2 years. (My guess is that your idea of 2 years’ living expense is probably also a lot more generous than mine.)</p>
<p>Everyone might be on to something with the S’s delayed start vs D’s. I personally know of three young men who’s “paths” didnt kick in right away after college graduation,but now,each at age 25 have found their ways. One is D’s boyfriend who has embarked on a second bachelor’s b/c he wants to be an engineer.He’s motivated this time and pulling straight A’s, while working to pay his half of their joint living arrangements. Its putting it mildly to state he floundered through his first degree.
The other two boys(twins) have been up and back to their parents house to live.One is thriving now and having career success in a well paying techie type job and has moved out for the third time.The other took a different non white collar path as a business owner ( lots of sweat equity investment) with the people who he worked for summers as a student. He finally seems happy after failing miserably in the financial services industry,mismanaging his money in a spectacular way (car reposessed,etc)hunkering down in his old childhood bedroon for months. It took a strong romantic relationship and the giving up of the idea of the white collar dream job he really didnt want but his family wanted for him.
By the way, the parents of the twins didnt charge either one rent but did charge for their share of utilities and both were responsible for paying their car insurance, car notes, student loans,etc. Parents stood firm about not bailing out the twin who got deep into money trouble though it was a hard internal struggle not to bail him out.A big learning experience for the kid, and for the parents.</p>
<p>Our son has no home to return to, we live overseas and he would need to have a job to move where we are for more than a month or so…So part of the issue is that even if we wanted to make that an option, we can’t. Some family members could/might fill the role but he has already burned out my sister with his lack of initiative (and lack of evident appreciation for her ample assistance). We were generous with the gift in part because we knew he might not have a no-cost housing option to fall back on. We basically calculated very basic living expenses for 6-8 months and gave him that much money. I guess I should explicitly stipulate this to him.</p>
<p>I am remembering 4+ years ago feeling like my son should go where he wanted to go to school, study what he wanted to study- enjoy the intellectual experience of college free of worry. I am trying to reconcile that feeling, which I still feel is valid, with the reality of a son who is just not a self starter/go getter/doer…</p>
<p>I might share, as I know it is relevant on some level, that 3 months ago I buried my father. He had an absolutely phenomenal education(read: Harvard Law) and died with no money , no substantial professional acheivements and with lots of gaps in his personal life. I know that a part of my brain is trying to simply figure out how to make his life, in its entirety as he certainly had some positive traits, a lesson to my son without frightening him or tarnishing his feelings about his grandfather…hmm</p>
<p>First, I am sorry for your recent loss. Second, I am curious: Did your father die happy? And if not (ie, gaps in personal life?), was his unhappiness caused by his personal regrets or feelings of having failed to meet his own potential, or did it result from frictions/stress etc caused by others’ reactions to his inability to meet their/society’s expectations for hiim?</p>
<p>Sometimes square pegs do not easily fit into round holes no matter how hard they try. Which is sad, since although we may not realize it, the world could use more square pegs. Give your S a chance to find himself (and let him do this on his own) even if that process is not on the same time table you would prefer.</p>