terminal illness and things to do to .... ideas needed

Parent Cafe
21

@ChuckleDoodle -sorry to hear what you are all facing.

DH lost his father at 24. A couple of months before he died, he sent each son a letter. He spoke specifically about what he valued about DH, shared times, his perspective on dying, his hopes for his son, etc. It meant a lot; as did any 1:1 conversations they had in the months when they knew he was dying.

A close friend’s husband was terminally ill when kids were late hs and early college age. He would often listen to a special song with his daughter and it became “theirs”.

While I was much older when I lost my parents, being able to share the process and talk frankly with the parent who had a terminal illness (and was free of dementia) was the greatest gift. It not only deepened a close relationship, but also enriched my perspective going forward. My DM led by example and made it ok to talk about it.

Best to you and your family. I am sure that over time, your posts on this topic will be helpful to many here.

22

You have the luxury of time to plan and do things. My mother died suddenly of a heart attack when I was in my late twenties. I was busy in residency and still too young to ask her much about her life at my age. Your kids likewise will want to know so much decades later.

I suggest that he/you (he can dictate) take time to put in writing many things you were/are curious about your own parents. Many things they are not yet ready to hear about. Maybe answers to many questions. Eg- how did you know mom was the one? What was it like to have your first…job? How did you feel when I was born? So many things I can’t ask my mom (and now my 90+ father’s memory is gone- he asks the same question multiple times a minute and has no recall of any of his grandchildren).

We got “Grandfather/mother Remembers” books for H’s side even though some things did not apply since India was a very different experience. H’s father’s eyesight was gone so he dictated to his wife. Filling in short answers to those questions leaves a legacy.

Yes, get your and his affairs in order. This should be done even if you plan to live for decades. The will, finances et al. Be sure you know all investments and how to handle them. Once done it can be put aside. No fun but a whole lot easier than later.

Finally- take the advice we so often give parents regarding their kid’s life. Let him be a person. Do not try to pack in too many “memories” or special activities. Keep up the ordinary lifestyle. I expect trying to do many things will just keep the focus on his no longer being there. Instead you can minimize obsessing about “last time…” by just doing what you would do if you expected many more decades. I would continue to do all those things you usually do. It will help YOU cope by having more than focusing on his illness. It can be a relief to do mundane things.

Life isn’t fair. Best wishes.

23

Record his stories of things about his life. I did that with my mom when she would start telling about her family history or funny incidents. I love to hit the play button and just hear her voice. I’d have my phone and just hit record when a good time came up. I like it better than a letter.

24

When my husband’s father was dying of cancer, he interviewed both of his parents about their memories and filmed the whole thing. This might be something your kids can do. The questions can be simple and open-ended, such as "What did you do for fun in high school? Who were your best friends?

25

Both of my parents were killed when I was 24. The thing that I regret the most is that our ds didn’t have a chance to ever know them (I wasn’t married yet when they died). To him, they are just my parents. Because of the circumstances of their deaths, I did not talk about them much when ds was little. So, I would say to try to provide a way that future grandchildren can “know” him and know about him - in whatever format you think best - letters, videos, family history book (I had no idea there was such a thing!). The only thing I would worry about is the pressure he might feel to do any of these in a grandiose way. I like the ideas of just short snippets of normal, everyday life. I’d let your dh take the lead on how much he wants to do.

I am sorry you are going through this. Virtual hugs to you and your family.

26

I lost my dad to cancer when I was 26. I lived in Atlanta so I was no where near home and FMLA was fairly new. When I could get back home we just did things he liked to do. My dad loved West Point so on one trip home we drove down to the academy and walked around.

One thing my dad did was for my mom. He knew based on his diagnosis that he was going to pass just before the holidays and my mom’s birthday. One day he went out and bought my mom a gift and stored it at his locker at school (he was a teacher). He left instructions for his co-workers to deliver it for my mom’s birthday so they did. He also bought a special gift for both me and my sister. Ours he bought before he passed because he wanted to see us enjoy them. (Mine was a set of golf clubs which I still have to this day).

Honestly, the gift that he gave me that I didn’t realize until later are some of his mannerisms. To this day there are things that I will do and right after I do it I pause and realize that was just like what my dad did. It reminds me everyday that even 20+ years later he is still a part of me. That for me is the best gift.

27

Some gifts, wrapped or boxed and labeled for key events in his children’s Lives with a note or video with them addressing the recipient. Doesn’t have to me new stuff. Old family items, in fact, all the more special.

My MIL bought cookie cutters in the shape of part of the family name, wrote out Christmas cards and then forgot the whole batch of them one year. They surfaced two years after her death. The recipients were all super touched by this gift from the grave.

She had a tendency to do that sort of thing a lot; but things, wrap them and set aside with a note or card and then forget them. I found baby clothes for my nephews for when they were infants. Now they are young men and I’m saving them to give the day they have their first sons.

28

Pictures and video of him using and enjoying items that may be passed down one day. A mug, a painting, a writing implement… these will have more life and meaning in the future if the kids (and the grands and great grands) can connect the objects with the beloved person himself.

29

My dad and aunts wrote down memories of growing up during the depression/pre-war years. It’s interesting to read their memories of being a small-town family during that time, it helps put in perspective some of their behavior and relationships as they became adults. Your DH’s family history might be interesting to your kids/grandkids to help them understand how he got to be the man they knew.

This past Thanksgiving the grandkids got to hear a scandalous story from my mom’s side of the family - something that happened long ago but which gave them some insight into how life was in her childhood. It was a story I didn’t know, but am glad it came out. No one can be hurt by it now, it was all too long ago, but it was fun to hear her take on it. Stories like that are good to record.

30

Sorry for your situation but I think it’s great your getting idea’s. I think when I think of those who passed what I want to know more about is their history. My two aunts came over from Poland and they told us of stories of crossing rivers with holding their clothes in the hands above the heads. There always variations of stories and never really know the true facts.

So maybe a few videos or letters explaining his history with his parents, siblings etc to hand down to further generations.

Along the same lines maybe he wants to do a family tree type of thing. Again to be passed down.

Same goes for my grandmother who passed when I was like 6. Would of loved to hear her stories of her growing up etc not just what my mother can remember.

Hmmm… I am going to thank you… My mother just turned 90 and is fine now except for multiple visits to rehab this year. I might see if she will start a video diary of sorts for this exact reason…

Best wishes.

31

When a very good friend of my husband passed away from cancer another friend organized a “book.” They had friends write letters or memories about the deceased and/or their friendship that his young son could one day read. I know my husband wrote about meeting in law school and then working together in the same department for many years. We still have a conference room named after him.

32

I’m sure in some way it was cathartic to be able to write this post. I’m so sorry to hear this. No one is ever ready to lose a parent or a spouse.

If he wants to do all these trips that’s great, but maybe valuing every day at home is also soothing to the soul.

There is no way to prevent the grief that lies ahead. I would think one thing the kids will miss is knowing their future spouses and children. Maybe he could write a letter to the future spouses about his memories of their childhood.

I often say I am my sisters historian. With our parents gone I’m the only one who remembers the details of her childhood. She has a terrible memory so I tell her stories. He is your kids historian as well.

33

When my mother was dying of cancer, I think the best gift she gave us was gently using the “D” word early on, to get us used to the idea and to open up conversations. She’d say things like “When I die, I hope that ___”, or "After I’m no longer here, ". I vividly remember the gut punch the first time she talked about her feelings about death. I didn’t want to go there but I’m SO glad she bravely paved the way, starting about two years before her death. She made it possible to talk freely about everything from the dying process to our fears, to what we’ll miss, to how she wanted to be remembered, to opening up conversations that needed to happen for closure. When she finally decided to let go of treatment, she consulted us and asked if there was anything else we felt she needed to try, so that we wouldn’t have any concerns/regrets later. There was one homeopathic treatment I really wanted her to try and she did, just for me, until I realized it wasn’t helping and said I was okay with her stopping.

Her conversations and actions normalized death for us, and made us so much more prepared when the actual time came. Because she accepted her death, we could too.

34

Get the Dad remembers books like Dad I Want to Hear Your Story or, Dad, Share your Life with me which have guided questions for him to write about his childhood, memories of his children, etc. My Dad had one called Grandfather Memories that I really wish he had filled out! He did a page or two. My mom did more of hers and we cherish it! My son even bought one for me to fill out for him.

35

A common thread here is personal history. Write, record, take dictation- whatever. Spending time “living in the past” can be a better way of spending time than dwelling on the present. It can be fun to hear of escapades you never knew. Good for the kids to know their father was once a boy and young man, too. You might make it a routine part of supper or an every evening telling something.

36

I don’t have anything new to add to all these suggestions – but I wanted you to know I’m so sorry that you are having to confront this kind of problem. Take care of yourself, don’t forget to have movie nights and favorite food, and enough sleep as you are able. You might plant a tree together, something that will be a living reminder. But I wouldn’t try too hard to make everything memorable and recorded.

My grandmother (who lived with us) left a note stuck to the bottom of objects she wanted us to have. My dad had the notes laminated, and I keep one in my wallet? Somehow having her handwriting was a real comfort.

37

My heart goes out to you. I know how you feel because I lived through it. My husband died a few months before our daughter graduated college. My only advise would be to spend as much time as possible together, It is the shared experiences as a family one remembers the most. My daughter and her father were close and something as simple as watching the reruns of Boston Legal together were precious memories for her. Flamingos forever.
Her backpack was stolen a few months ago and with it her phone, She was sad because it had messages left to her from her dad :frowning:
Hugs to you and your family.

38

I was exactly where you are two or three years ago. My husband had a long terminal illness and we knew for certain. some of these things below you just cannot do if there is any chance for recovery ( like give away everything) Here are some of the things he did:

He gathered up all the home movies and personally had them converted to files on DVDs. Then, periodically we would all sit together and watch the old movies, lots of laughing

I found every shoebox and stash of photos tucked away and got them out and organized. We went through them together for hours at a time.

We went on long vacations with D or just ourselves until he could no longer walk. And many vacations with our really close friends where they could help with mobility and medical issues. We would just rent large vacation rentals in a nice place and spend quality time eating and laughing together. Those are some of my best memories.

He suddenly was more proactive with contacting his friends (and he had a ton of friends). Not about the illness or death, but to keep in touch. Before that he was basically allergic to the phone:) texting and email actually improved his habits.

We made a conscious decision to not do any ‘casual’ socializing at D’s school, neighborhood parties or events. It was too emotionally tough when people rush up and ask “How are you doing?” What do you want me to say? Oh, hunky dory. I would just start crying most of the time.

We socialized a lot with our very close tight group of friends that supported us. Try to find your closest dearest friends and hang out laughing as much as possible.

He made many gifts before he passed away. That was very helpful to me because I didn’t have to try to figure out who might want those sentimental Hawaiian shirts , 20 surfboards or those fancy fishing poles. He knew who they should go to and he just discretely gifted. This was also helpful when I finally had the emotional energy to clear out his stuff. I knew that what was remaining I could make my own decisions to gift, sell or throw away guilt free.

After he passed I found private notes he had written to each of us on his iPad. Thank god I didn’t just erase it. I do not know if he has anything hidden somewhere for the future. I think it would have been nice if he has something for our D on her wedding. I like the idea

I just cannot remember anything else specific that we did to help our D or future grandchildren remember him. My D was very close with her Dad in his last year so I am not worried she will forget anything about him. We just didn’t think about it I guess. We focused a lot on getting financial and legal stuff completely clean.

39

@coralbrook, that was such a helpful, compassionate post, and it had to be extraordinarily difficult to write. You’ve done a great kindness here.

40

I often wished I had recordings of my parent’s voices to share with our kids. If your husband is up to it, he could record himself reading children’s books–perhaps some of your children’s favorites—to pass along to his future grandchildren. The joy of hearing their grandfather’s voice, especially at bedtime, could be priceless.

My best wishes to you and your family.