I mentioned in another post that my husband’s cancer seems to be taking the upper hand. While I keep hoping and praying for a different outcome, I am planning a vacation for us to go on. Today while I was driving, I was thinking about things my hubby could do to help us later.
I would like some ideas of what my husband can do to help us after he’s gone. Our kids are young adults- 23 and 28 years old— old enough to understand what is going on and offering support for the many doctor appointments but still young when it comes to losing a parent. I lost my own father when I was 21 years old to the same kind of cancer that is killing my husband. One of the things I have wished for years is that my kids could have known my father- he was an ornery, funny, stubborn person.
So, what are some things my husband can do for the kids to help them remember him? Some of the things we are doing now is spending more family time together- movies, playing pool, board games, etc. but I know once he is gone there will be a void that we will all miss. He is not like sunrise east - not good at writing things down but that may be a suggestion for him…
That said, he has also not been given the message to get your affairs in order either- so he could last for many more years. We could just be in a valley and the next peak is on its way. I know he feels helpless and I think giving him something to do may help keep his mind off this for a little bit.
We are praying for the best and preparing for the worst. Any ideas and suggestions are greatly appreciated.
Many hugs to all of you.
I wish I had a few videos of my dear aunt. Just regular stuff such as having dinner or
her drinking her nightly bourbon. Brief ones such as 1-2 minutes. She was my main stability growing up and
while it hurts to look at pictures of her it is also rich with memories. But wish we had some videos.
Do lots of the activities that he wants to do and you can financially afford. Day trips, longer trips, free stuff at local parks, whatever. And take pictures of it. Those pictures will remind your family what your H enjoyed and was good at. And, it will show your grandkids what kind of man their grandfather is.
I didn’t know one of my grandfathers, he died when I was a year old. I treasure the pictures I have of him doing ordinary things.
^agree with the post above. Record some videos of the good times with the family, go through old family photos to make a slide presentation, or something similar.
I am so sorry this is happening. It would be nice if he could write a letter for your kids on special days, like wedding, first child etc… advice.
Also perhaps he could be recorded reading a book to a future grandchild. I am hoping for a better outcome.
Agree with the above suggestions. Memories of happy times together are the best treasure. We loved our train and road trip we took with our kids. We took the train from KA to Seattle (overnight with sleeper car) and then drove and stayed at national parks all the way back to LA.
Writing letters to be opened at milestones would be nice as well. Making sure you have durable and medical power of attorney and getting affairs in order is always a good thing to do because the future is never promised to any of us and tax laws recently changed do a revisit is timely anyway.
There are wonderful recordable books where you husband could record himself reading to future grandchildren.
I also suggest home videos and milestone letters.
There are also wonderful family history memoire books where your husband can write about his own childhood and family story. There are prompts to answer and I always think there is something special about seeing a loved one’s own handwriting.
I really like the family history books – and you could fill out one for yourself, too. No matter how things go, these books will be fascinating someday to younger generations.
The only problem with them is that some assume a very standard sort of life. If your husband’s life (or yours) has deviated from the usual (for example, more than one marriage), some things may not fit properly into the book.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I love the idea of taking tons of videos of everyday stuff. I lost my dad when I was 30. It took a while before I could watch videos with him but now I just love seeing him pop up (even when sometimes it’s just his voice) in videos especially with my kids who were babies. There are not a ton and I always wish I could find more.
Sorry you need to think about these things, but kudos for you doing so. I would make sure any memorabilia or anything of value your H wants to make sure one person gets is gifted now. I assume wills and trusts are in order.
I would also preplan any funeral arrangements now. That includes what is to be said at the mass, or other event, what kind of gathering he would like after the memorial and what kind of burial.
My kids were a lot younger when they lost their dad. I made each a set of the videos we had. I know at least 2 of the 3 have never watched the videos and it’s been 14 years. What they do seem to value are physical objects that their father made or gave them (paintings, journal, stuffed animal, blanket).
I’m so sorry. One of my friends recently lost her (fairly) young husband to an aggressive cancer. As the time approached, they went ahead and celebrated the next holiday just as if it was that real day. These kids were younger, but at least they all got to have that one last memory.
I know this is not an answer to your question but just a book suggestion. Please consider reading a book called Final Gifts. It is written by two hospice nurses about case studies of Their patients. It is really helpful in understanding what lies ahead.
My bil passed away when my nephew was 15. He just graduated HS. He wore his dads shoes and grandpas watch to graduation. A little something of those not there.
We laughed that bil was the king of selfies, tons of silly pictures that make us laugh.
Now I’m going to cry!
My bil set his sons phone alarm for 5 pm. The reminder was to tell dad he’s awesome, my bil did funny things like that. His sons alarm went off everyday until he got a new phone.
The answer is for your husband to do things that are him. That’s what you remember
I am so sorry you are going through this. I like the idea of letters for future special occasions (like marriages), and reading books for future grandkids. Even if your children don’t end up having children, I am sure they would treasure hearing their dad reading their favorite childhood books.
But I think the time spent together while he is here will be the time that they treasure most in the future. Is there something your family loved doing together when the kids were growing up? If so, maybe you could do it again & reminisce while building new memories.
Above all, encourage everyone say what they need to say, when they need to say it. The thing I hear from too many people after they lose a beloved family member is, “I wish I had told them …” My brothers and I lost our brother last year. We felt so fortunate to have been able to be there for him when he needed us, and we got to let him know that he mattered to us. That helped us as we dealt with our loss.
I only want to say that I’m so sorry you’re both going through this and I hope this is just a brief stop in a valley before a sustained peak. You’ve gotten great suggestions from everyone commenting here. Hugs.
I’m so sorry your DH is facing continued challenges. You’ve gotten some great advice. If he doesn’t like journaling, could he do audio or video recordings of family history/funny stories? Let friends and family help you with the things that don’t need to suck up your time and energy (groceries, making dinner, cutting grass, running errands). It gives them a place to pour their love.