Terribly odd essay B for MIT

<p>Essay B:</p>

<h2>An application to MIT is much more than a set of test scores, grades and activities. It's often a reflection of an applicant's dreams and aspirations, dreams shaped by the worlds we inhabit. We'd like to know a bit more about your world. Describe the world you come from, for example your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?</h2>

<p>“You are truly a PARANOID!” shouted a friend, looking at figures I was drawing on scrap paper.
“Yeah right! You guys all know it, don't you?”, I answered him without turning my head back, still wallowing in my thinking.
The story happened two years ago. However, even now, if someone suddenly makes such a comment on me, I will not be surprised. “Paranoid”, “paranoiac” and any word of similar meanings have been too familiar to me since I found my true interest in Physics.</p>

<p>Up to now, I can clearly remember only three events in my life without which this essay could not have existed to tell you about me. Letting someone know the three occurrences is truly identical to sketching the graph of my mental growth. Let’s see how a person’s life can be figured from those turning points.</p>

<p>Chronologically, the first event occurred at my age of 10. In a family’s party, my relatives convened and chatted about virtually everything. And my aunt’s husband, whom I often call “uncle”, told people about his niece’s achievement. The girl, older than me, had just got her Gold Medal in an international Mathematics Olympiad. Everyone congratulated her, of course without her presence, and guessed she should have been very intelligent and diligent in order to reach the glory. My uncle confirmed her intelligence and, surprisingly, denied that she was a diligent student. He said she was not hard-working at all, and that the whole reason of her achievement was only because of her true interest in Maths, she was like a Maths addict… The moment of me hearing that is memorable as I did derive from the story an excellent conclusion, which has influenced my life up to now. What the young “me” concluded is that one can certainly flourish if they follow their true, most fundamental desire. Keeping in mind that thought, I started searching for my true interest. And it was a long progress, believe me.</p>

<p>Totally different from the first event, the second one did not happen for just a moment. In fact, it occurred during a 2-year period or so. In my secondary school, which educates children from Year 6 to Year 9, Physics was first introduced to pupils in Year 7. Having specialized in Maths for about 3 years, I felt a growing interest in the new subject. Besides Maths problems, I began reading articles, books on Physics and natural occurrences. Even though there is a fairly close connection between Maths and Physics, in my classmates’ opinion, I was really odd as I started asking what and why this is and that is like a 3-year-old child, wondering why in storms, trees fell but bamboos didn’t and what enabled aeroplanes to fly, etc… And I gradually changed my habit from solving Maths problems to observing sunlight through a collection of lenses. When it was my last year in secondary school, I had to consider a subject to specialize in at high school. As you can easily guess, Physics was selected without any regret dropping my specialization in Maths: I just did what I felt most comfortable.</p>

<p>Up until recently, I had studied Physics just for fun, following my natural feeling toward the subject. However, as I read a biography by the physicist Richard Feynman, there were some thoughts appearing: why could the man reach that level of glory? If he could, then I obviously can, for we were both human. Also, at the same time, I felt totally disgusted whenever my mobile call to a friend was disrupted by the weak network signal.
Now is a side-quest: What could you derive from those two pieces I just told?
Not to puzzle you mind, I will tell you right now. It is like this:
I shouted “Yahoo!” because I already made my decision: my life would be for Telecommunications, I would apply to MIT and make a funny duel with the late Feynman on who would have more significant influence on future life. I hope the win would be mine as cellular phones are much more popular in daily life than Q.E.D.
And that strange series of thoughts is the last turning point I have had so far.</p>

<h2>My essay strange is strange, isn’t it? I didn’t give you any information of the world I come from, and just blabbed about my “life story”. But what could you expect more from an introversial personality, a person saying “No” to most extracurricular activities? Those three clashes between my ego and the outer world have really shaped the current “me” and my biggest aspiration I have ever possessed. My hope now is you can sketch my characteristics from this essay.</h2>

<p>Any comment? I like sarcasm, so the essay seems....</p>

<p>i like the way you wrote it but i lost interest after third paragraph....</p>

<p>So what improvement could be made?
My true thank to you for pointing out the boredom of my essay :)</p>

<p>"i like the way you wrote it but i lost interest after third paragraph...."</p>

<p>lol same here</p>

<p>"i like the way you wrote it but i lost interest after third paragraph...."</p>

<p>me too!</p>

<p>i'm thinking the admissions officer will already know you are smart and love math. tell them something they don't know. what event has truly shaped your life? what event has made you grow up as an individual? moving to another country? parents divorce? what is something a lot of people don't know about you? do you speak 10 languages? etc....</p>

<p>It seems like you all did not read the whole passage T_T
I do not like Maths, though I did! My interest is Physics!
In the essay, I am telling my most influential events that ever happen in my life. Maybe it is my writing style that made people mistake the storyline?</p>

<p>write about something a bit less academic and more personal</p>

<p>What if I have nothing more personal :( I cannot think of any secret in my life which is worth writing, especially which shaped my aspirations :(</p>

<p>So can I be completely honest? It needs a LOT of work. Is english your first language? Many of the sentences are really awkward, and it seems as if you are translating from a different language. So some comments...</p>

<p>What on earth does the paranoid part have to do with ANYTHING ELSE in the essay? I really don't see the connection at all. By the second sentence the essay already had issues... "wallowing in my thinking" sounds rather awkward to me. (I could be wrong about that... maybe it's actually correct?) wallowing in my thoughts sounds like it's what you meant to say...
"The story happened two years ago. However, even now, if someone suddenly makes such a comment on me, I will not be surprised. “Paranoid”, “paranoiac” and any word of similar meanings have been too familiar to me since I found my true interest in Physics."
What? Weave the 2 years ago part into the essay more gracefully if it's necessary information... makes a comment ABOUT you, not on you... Do your friends actually use the word paranoiac? The last sentence there is just really awkwardly written. </p>

<p>"Up to now, I can clearly remember only three events in my life without which this essay could not have existed to tell you about me. Letting someone know the three occurrences is truly identical to sketching the graph of my mental growth. Let’s see how a person’s life can be figured from those turning points."
That is entirely unnecessary.
"my aunt’s husband, whom I often call “uncle" "
Huh? Is that supposed to be funny? </p>

<p>"The girl, older than me, had just got her Gold Medal in an international Mathematics Olympiad. Everyone congratulated her, of course without her presence, and guessed she should have been very intelligent and diligent in order to reach the glory. My uncle confirmed her intelligence and, surprisingly, denied that she was a diligent student. He said she was not hard-working at all, and that the whole reason of her achievement was only because of her true interest in Maths, she was like a Maths addict… The moment of me hearing that is memorable as I did derive from the story an excellent conclusion, which has influenced my life up to now. What the young “me” concluded is that one can certainly flourish if they follow their true, most fundamental desire. Keeping in mind that thought, I started searching for my true interest. "</p>

<p>Ok... so you're saying that you were inspired by a girl who didn't work hard in general and just liked math? That's probably not a good plan. Also, in the US it's "math" or "mathematics" not "maths." </p>

<p>"Even though there is a fairly close connection between Maths and Physics, in my classmates’ opinion, I was really odd as I started asking what and why this is and that is like a 3-year-old child, wondering why in storms, trees fell but bamboos didn’t and what enabled aeroplanes to fly, etc…"
Huh? What on earth do you mean? You already lost me well before this paragraph... </p>

<p>And then the last paragraph... what on earth are you talking about? The writing is so hard to get through... it's like reading a foreign language. Also, it sounds like glory and fame are motivating factors rather than a simple love of physics (or at least that's what I got from it). </p>

<p>This whole essay just really turns me off. Be CONCISE and CLEAR in your language. I shouldn't have to put this much effort into following what you say. And it will only be worse for the adcom when this might be the last app he has to work his way through and it's 11:00 at night and he's ready to go to sleep. The IDEAS in the essay can work, just the style doesn't work at all. Talking about loving physics COULD work... but you need to say how it changed how you act and think about the world, a more personal approach. </p>

<p>Sorry if I sound really mean... I tend to just be really straight foward and not sugarcoat stuff like this. Good luck with the next draft!</p>

<p>My appreciation :) I am not a native speaker. Though I tried my best to write that essay in English originally, there are still a lot of mistakes :(</p>

<p>Working on the next draft :D Thanks again for your comments:)</p>

<p>Btw, is there no place for honesty in an app essay? I mean: if sometimes I am after fame, I shoudn't say it out?</p>

<p>@marlgirl: well, translated from my mother tongue, the word was actually "paranoid" :)</p>

<p>Um... my essay for mit is flat out uncensored honesty. I reveal things in that essay that i've never even told my friends or my parents (nothing repulsive, but still personal thoughts)...</p>

<p>yea, i second whatever margirl said</p>

<p>I agree with marlgirl, who made excellent observations. The opening section on paranoia is misleading. The section on Feynman's autobiography and telecommunications should carry more weight. You need to rethink your focus before you worry too much about grammar, etc.</p>

<p>Erg... one thing I forgot to ask you about: should I keep the structure? Or dump everything out and start from a blank page?</p>

<p>I would have to say your essay was a bit boring. I've applied to 3 schools already, about to apply to 2 more in 4 hours. I wrote an essay about life, my experience and my experience in the Philippines. Both didn't work out probably because of a very Clich</p>

<p>Thanks, Mr Potato :D</p>

<p>I am Asian, and my sense of humour is rather bad :( Should I fabricate something, like turning the essay to a love story, for example? :)</p>

<p>Here goes my mean rant...</p>

<p>Okay, the construction of your sentences needs a LOT of work... a LOT. Also, there are a lot of grammatical errors - too many to list, actually. So, get your English teacher to proof-read it for you or something. I like the way you write - its really simple, and at the same time, its not "alright, wake me up tomorrow" boring either. But, you tend to repeat yourself most of the time. The fact that you're interested in Physics is mentioned EVERYWHERE in your essay, without you backing it up with any unusual instances. I'm stressing on unusual cuz' most people talk about what you did, with your quest for knowledge and the role-model who showed you the way, blah blah blah...</p>

<p>Okay, I'll refer to Feynman's autobiography here to give you an idea of what I'm talking about. The entire concept of fixing radios by "thinking", the time he went to all the staff tables in Princeton to get an idea of the different perspectives in the world, his encounter with the psychiatrist - everything written conveys something different about him. The first talks about his need to always get at the solution of a puzzle (remember when he talks about his interest in riddles?), the second talks about how he thinks diversity is incredibly important (he breaks down the traditional barriers between scientists and philosophers here) and the third of how there are no correct answers to anything, and its just the process of experimentation that is important. But, the stories are definitely not boring and all in all, they convey more about him than a line like - I have always been passionate about Physics and my choice of courses in high school proves that." The story about the girl's achievements is interesting, but you seem to be undermining hard work. Genius is important, but the ability to actually utilize it is critical.</p>

<p>Also, the telecommunications bit is quirky. Keep that. Just improve the language a bit.</p>

<p>... and here the rant ends. Ooh... another thing. Paranoia means being overtly suspicious of something or someone. It doesn't make sense in the context you've placed it in. Maybe you were looking for "crazy"? :p But again, that's a really cliche phrase. Every aspiring scientist talks about how he's been misunderstood and labelled as a dork or a mad scientist.</p>

<p>@downtheway: my stress is not for Physics, it is for my dream to create something, based on the interest in Physics. Simply, it is the wish to invent some wireless transmission method :) And the bit about Feynman, I agree with you, it needs some more details, right?</p>

<p>Thanks for comments of you all. I will try to improve this essay more :)</p>