I think if this was anyone else in my life - sibling, aunt, etc., I would simply end the relationship and sever contact completely. Sometimes that is the only solution.
I guess I just wait and see what happens this week. For all I know, my mother will call tomorrow and act like nothing happened - denial being her main coping mechanism.
I do realize many people grow up in abusive homes - and I was never actually physically abused - although it was a frequent threat. Plenty of verbal and emotional abuse though. And it sucks that I think it is long buried in the past and then an incident occurs, and it’s like time traveling back to being a kid or a teen and feeling so powerless and so angry. I hate that they still have this hold over me. I feel like a horrible person because the truth is I wish they were deceased. And I know there are many people who have lost their parents and wish they could have more time with them. I envy them.
@rockvillemom, I am so sorry you’re going through this! I think it’s fine to take a break from your parents. Leave yourself open to seeing them again but don’t feel compelled to. If they have a lot of money, they’ll be able to hire help or move to an assisted-living facility. And even if they didn’t have a lot of money, you would not have an obligation to put up with their poor treatment of you.
@rockvillemom ((hugs)) , I’m so sorry you have to deal with this behavior. It would be one thing if this was new behavior but it had been a lifetime. Under no circumstances would I apologize, even if it meant losing my inheritance. No one deserves to be treated that way.
No advice - just sending warm thoughts and positive vibes. And kudos for having withstood what sounds like years of a very difficult family situation. May your break (much deserved) bring some peace & comfort.
@rockvillemom When something about the way my parents treated me is painful, I try to do something very kind to myself and tie it directly to what’s hurting. It’s seemed to lessen their hold over me. And it increased the kindness in my home. Win-win.
Why have you been and/or allowed yourself to be “designated” to be their assistant, especially as awfully as they treat you and others? Feel free to threaten back- that the assistance will cease if they cannot treat you and others appropriately and with civility.
My life with my parents was quite similar to yours my whole life. Control through guilt. It got really bad starting in my 30’s. My Dad died a few years back, and I honestly don’t miss him at all. I loved him and sort of understood the way he was, but he basically ruined my Family get togethers. We are complicated humans, and I still love the good side of him and don’t forget that…because he had that, too. But his other side overwhelmed it, I think. Since he died, the relationship with my Mom took a real bad turn and we aren’t speaking. Been several years now. I don’t miss all the family drama and angst. She could get real nasty, too. My life is calm and drama free. I have a happy life, but I have voluntarily cut myself off from the family, and it is really only sad during the holidays when I think of holidays past. But the rest of the year I don5 miss them at all.
I don’t see anything changing soon. It’s sad in many ways, and liberating at the same time. It’s like you have to choose. Very complicated emotions. I will tell you this. The more time goes by, the easier it is to just not do anything, on both sides. I do think the kids, although young adults now, suffer for it, too. That’s the main guilt I feel. But how much more emotional turmoil must one deal with?
You have to take a break. It means, not visiting, not answering the phone, taking that time you need till you feel OK communicating with them (not because they or yourself guilt trip you into it). If you pick up or visit they consider you had a tantrum and will dismiss your feelings. If you worry about their safety, ask a sibling to arrange for someone to check on them twice a day through December.
Things can only change if you make them change.
You’ll know you’re OK when that little voice inside, guilting you and angering you at the same time, has stopped.
This comes from experience as I’ve tried everything else, and that’s the only thing that worked… And surprisingly it made things better for everyone.
(It helped me thinking that this is like getting through the terrible twos. You can’t give in now or they will end up paying the price. Being the adult here means being firm despite their tantrums and best attempts at making you regret your decision.)
And if you haven’t, some counseling would be beneficial. To at least help you get through the anger and to get some ways of coping with them. They aren’t going to change, but how you deal with it can.
You’re getting great advice here. Some things that have helped me deal with difficult people in my life:
Compassion for them. (Yeah, I get that this is hard.) But it sounds as if they know no other way of getting their wishes/needs met. @MYOS1634's toddler analogy is good. You wouldn't disown your toddler for pitching a tantrum, but you would help them find other, more productive ways of getting what they want. I doubt they'll change significantly at this late date, but if the tantrums don't bear the fruit they're used to, maybe they'll lose some of their appeal. Or they'll just have to have the tantrums without you.
Limit-setting. While it's a worthy goal not to completely sever ties with elderly parents who may not be around much longer, that doesn't mean you have to be full party to an abusive relationship. Think about what limits will make interactions acceptable for you, and what scenarios will facilitate that, and find a calm way to start setting those limits. There are two people in every interaction, and you can decide what's reasonable for you.
Disengaging. With people playing this kind of game, there's really not much upside to arguing/escalating. Just establish those limits and step back, with as little drama as possible, when they are violated. You're not going to win an argument with them, but you can change how YOU interact and how you let it affect you.
As a very low key example (this isn’t directly connected to what you’re experiencing), I remember that in my extended family we had a relative who was ALWAYS arriving late to events, which created all kinds of drama (dinner would get cold, resentments would build). Finally the family collectively decided that they were never again going to make dinner (or any other part of the event) contingent on this relative’s arrival. The relative got there eventually (or not), and the party continued with or without them. Some variation on that theme may work for you once you’ve decided what you will or will not tolerate with them.
And don’t let them use the inheritance as a cudgel. Just calmly say “It’s your money. You’re free to do with it what you will.” And then be the best you can reasonably be with them without participating in the abuse.
Thank you for the input and for letting me vent. The stress of dealing with them is taking a toll on my health. I feel better this morning with the realization that a break is mandatory and I must get some relief from the stress and guilt. Thank you for giving me “permission” to take a break.
@happy1 – I guess I have a different perspective than you, though I’m coming from a similar place. My dad died when I was 14. I too missed having him in my life, meeting my H and kids, seeing how I turned out. but I would never use that to tell someone else that they should be patient and accept abuse. One of these things has nothing to do with the other, and our lives are not RVM’s life. I know you don’t mean it this way, but it can sound like a game of “I had it worse.” (I know that game and have played it many times, to be honest.)
Something that stuck out to me in your original post was that your S apologized to the people at the restaurant (even though he was not the problem). Good for him and good for you on raising him well.
I will always remember the wise words of @musicparent in another thread I started about inlaws.
“It took me a number of years of therapy to figure out that a lot of what we are taught quite honestly is self serving BS (it serves those who break the bonds of family, who are difficult, not those who are nice and caring and respectful), that the whole blood is thicker than water and so forth is in effect propoganda to justify family members behaving badly”
I’m so sorry RVM. Sounds like you have had more than your share of dealing with this guy.
My dad was like that (first born son of immigrant parents). Ruled through fear. I married a narcissist too. Oddly enough, they are terrified of being abandoned yet their behavior almost ensures that they will be. And they age badly.
How often do you have to see him? Money is not unimportant. I wouldn’t want you to burn your bridges if you just have to withstand him twice a year. You need to detach and expect very little from these family get togethers (which he probably looks forward to). Hugs.
I have had a remarkably similar upbringing to yours. In my case, I finally started setting healthy boundaries with my parents when I was 37 (with help from a therapist), and it went very badly. They cut me and my family off 10 years ago, and haven’t spoken to us since.
At the time it was very difficult to deal with, but I believe now it’s been a great blessing not to have them in our lives.
It’s no good living on eggshells, wasting your entire life trying to please people who can’t be pleased and expect you to say “how high?” when they say “jump”.
No one should have to put up being treated like that - especially since this is life long behavior and not an age related change.
Call your siblings and tell them you are taking long break from dealing with your parents and they will have to get off their bums and pick up the slack.
I also think it would be a good idea for you to get some counseling from a professional in how to deal with this situation. Your health, both physical and emotional is the most important thing.
Sometimes it is more difficult to deal with both parents together than it would be to deal with only one of them.
Disengaging is easier said than done. You have a lifetime of a relationship with them that you never were able to escape your father’s controlling and your mom’s enabling personalities.
Confronting the issue is important, and kudos to you for finally realizing that this is something that you need to do, for your own health. Have you ever asked them what they think the word empathy means? Ask them if they have any respect for your needs?
It is okay to apologize to them about how the relationship has deteriorated to the point where you don’t respect their actions, and you don’t think they respect you as a person. Apologizing won’t mean that you condone their actions, but only that you still want them to know that despite everything, you really appreciate the fact that they have raised you to become a good person who wants to treat others right.
If you decide that you need to disengage, there are ways to do so in a tactful, non-accusatory manner. Keep the focus on your own mental / emotional / physical needs. Keep reminding them of some good things they’ve done for you and your family. You are not saying that they failed as parents because you are struggling, but you’re saying that you know they love you and have always wanted you to be your own best person. In your own heart you can understand that since you’re not a part of that generation you don’t have to think nor act the way they do, but giving them the last few years of peace may be the kindest thing you can do for them. At the same time, you are setting an example for your DS, as you understand at some point you may be asking him to help you through your own twilight years. Despite how much you disagree with your own parents’ actions, you hope that showing them kindness is the best course.
My DH and his siblings had to deal with his mom and dad frequently pulling the “disinheritance” card - and while it wasn’t all that after the eventual long term care needs, and what was left got split 7 ways, it was DH and SIL that took the brunt of their behavior. I told DH that I would support however he needed to deal with it - and there were times it was very difficult for all of us. The only restriction I had was that we wouldn’t leave our own children alone with them, but DH was in total agreement. DH found that repeating “I understand you feel” was a good way of acknowledging them, and shutting them down at least to give him time to deflect to another topic - often by asking about another sibling. Old people are easily distracted anyway - perhaps they won’t notice.
