I have posted before sbout my parents - controlling and incredibly self centered. They are in their 80s and still pretty much treat me like a child. There is no middle ground - either I am a “good little girl” - or they stop speaking to me.
So Thanksgiving - lunch at a local restaurant- there was some issue with the reservation and we were to be seated at a table instead of a booth. It was completely fine - I thought the table was nicer actually - but my 87 year old father threw a fit - yelling and carrying on - vowing to never dine there again, etc. Made quite the spectacle. My mother was silent, as she never disagrees with him.
i stayed calm, assured him the table was fine, and we were seated and carried on. But, I was mad and embarrassed , particularly at the site of my son apologizing to the hostess and manager for his grandfather’s behavior. Great holiday meal for him.
I keot my mouth shut until Saturday, when my mother called me for the umpteenth time trying to exert control over the rest of the wknd, and I lost it. Told her how embarrassed I was and how that was the last Thanksgiving I was ever spending with them, and I pretty much hung up on her. ( We have spent 28 or 29 of the last 30 with them - doing what they want to do).
My parents’ basic philosophy is that they are always right. They parent by using threats. When I was a teen, they threatened to not pay for college any time there was any disagreement. In my 20s, they threatened to disown me if I did not marry someone of the same background.
So here I am, at 54, still dealing with being under their control. And I think I am done. I know what comes next - they will not speak to me until I apologize and if I do not cave, then there will be threats to disinherit me. I think I can live with that. The funny thing is - they hane no one else to help them. My one sibling lives across the country and also has a difficult relationship with them.
So, no specific question, just kind of thinking this through. Not what I anticipated for Thanksgiving.
That is rough. Would have been one thing if this behavior is new as they have become elderly but sounds like it’s just who they are. I support you but also hope that maybe they come around and realize there is still time to apologize and change.
I’m sorry for your distress but reading this I can’t help but think you’ve broken the pattern and have a very different relationship with your own child/ren. I suppose in a way you can thank them for making you a better parent.
So they are in their 80’s and getting along in years, as they say. MIL is 84 and also getting up there. These days I try hard to remind myself of that and smile and nod as much as possible.
I just think of putting up with that type of BS as earning my future inheritance. I live far away and only visit a couple times a year for a few days. But it sounds like you live close, so maybe that isn’t an option. Sorry this is happening. Glad your son had the grace to apologize for their bad behavior – you’ve raised him right.
How much time do you normally spend with them? Can you “make up”, but then only see them occasionally? Plan trips for the holidays (go see the far away sib) going forward.
Let things cool off for awhile. Maybe they will come around and apologize. If not, maybe you will want to make the first step. If neither occurs, then maybe it is time to take a break for awhile. I suspect they are the bigger losers at their age.
There is a book that is decades old called “Dance of Anger” that I would recommend. I bet you’ll recognize the behaviors your dad uses, and it offers some ways to approach them. It’s hard with older parents because they will be reluctant to engage differently, but the gyst of the book is that “anger” (which is how they control) is the way they connect emotionally. It can help to recognize what they do as a dysfunctional way to have a relationship with you (it’s positive even if awful!) and it can help you find a way of responding productively.
I’m sorry you have to go through this. I admit that often, even with the best laid plans, I find myself feeling and acting 14 around my mother. She is just super good at pushing my buttons.
Sorry you have to deal with this. But I guess I have a different perspective. My dad passed when I was 16 and I would give up anything I own just to spend 5 minutes with him. I would love nothing more than to have the chance to let him know how I’m doing and have my children meet him. Fortunately there was nothing but love between us when he passed away so that gives me great peace. So when my mom is being difficult (which she certainly can be), I typically suck it up (smile and nod) knowing that life is unpredictable and that I will have peace of mind down the road for having done the right thing to the extent possible. I’m not saying you need to apologize but I would try to give them a break – they are old, stuck in their ways, and probably have nothing else to worry about except being at a table instead of a booth. I will add that your S sounds like a gem!!!
Sorry. This must be distressing for you. Please know you are not alone.
My 80 y/o mom tried to lay a major guilt trip on me for telling my college age daughter to remain at university this Thanksgiving (although we had not seen her all semester) instead of coming to G’ma’s house to celebrate G’ma’ 80th birthday, because G’ma and numerous other relatives had been sick with a stomach bug earlier in the week. Dang good thing DD stayed at school because I got sick within 24 hours and spent 2 days in bed and my two brothers were so sick today they couldn’t attend the party. But somehow this was all my fault and if we loved her we would have insisted everyone was there. I try hard to remember that it is just her age talking but sometimes it just isn’t easy.
So sorry this dynamic has been so longstanding. Agree to let some time pass to let everyone chill a bit. If/when you speak to them again, and if/when they start with the threats, that would be a good time to delicately mention that you have noticed that pattern of threats (are they real threats or empty threats?), and that it is hurtful to you. If they get cranky about it, respond with “I am sorry you feel that way”. Hopefully you will make choices that work for you, and don’t require you to be continually manipulated by guilt or threats. Hang in there.
RVM, I know you’re torn. But you can just say No. Even when they’re older, you can get up from a restaurant table and take a walk around the room. You can refuse to participate in the tug of war. Nicely, not even calling a problem a problem.
I loved the line in Dangerous Liaisons, “It’s beyond…my…control.” “No, Mom, I’m sorry, I can’t,” sometimes followed by a believable excuse. Sometimes, no excuse.
My mother would get in a huff and refuse to take part in anything Thanksgiving. It was hard to convey family values to the kids when she pulled this. Then it repeated a month later. We made excuses that, fortunately, worked.
But I had to learn to disengage from her behaviors. It wasn’t me, DH, or my kids.
Rockvillemom, it sounds like you have a lot of repressed anger and resentment at their long term treatment of you. Don’t let it get the best of you!
I’m reminded of my H’s oldest uncle, who was just mean, angry, and very penny pinching. He too would have a fit in restaurants, insist on instant service, refuse to tip or even pay tax (leaving his younger brother to pick up the pieces). He left others to pick up the pieces in many, many ways and it was just sad. At the crux of it I think he never let himself be happy and was determined to make everyone else miserable. Now, he’s gone and no one misses him, least of all the local restaurant staff.
For your parents, you shouldn’t apologize. But maybe you should offer help if you feel they are too old to cope with some things. Can you say to them, “I’ll be over for a couple of hours to help around the house but I don’t want any arguments. I’ll leave if there are arguments or demands made”. If they threaten your inheritance you can say, “Your will is your own to make or change but I’m not staying here if you try to threaten or badger me in any way”. And then leave if they do.
Not caring about their will should be quite liberating. They may have left you out of it anyway, just to be mean one last time, so you shouldn’t count on it. If they haven’t, are they really going to overcome inertia enough to visit a lawyer? Probably not. Consider that there is probably nothing there and you can be pleasantly surprised if there is.
Take care of yourself and don’t let that resentment burn a hole in your chest.
I think you should be proud of your son for handling it. Restaurants are used to it (and they probably aren’t too concerned that they’ve lost your father as a customer!)
@rockvillemom I am so sorry you have to deal with this. Although, rationally, you know that they have always been like this, it must be very difficult to separate it from aging, which I would think would make it even more difficult to deal with.
On the upside, you have clearly broken this pattern with your S, who is a fine and thoughtful young man.
I agree with others that you need to take a break. I think you need to try to interact in the future more on your own terms, tempered with mercy given their age. If they threaten to disinherit you, think about whether you would rather they spent their assets buying services that you would otherwise provide, in order to spare yourself stress and agony.
Of course, it depends on what this potential inheritance consists of.
Thank you all for your thoughts. Poster above is right - I am carrying a lifetime of repressed anger and resentment. I am just so beyond tired of dealing with them. A break for now makes sense. I guess I don’t have to make any immediate decisions about what happens next. I realize many people our age struggle with elderly parents, but it is different if you had a happy childhood or have good memories of happy times with your parents. I really don’t have that foundation.
I know this was just part of a pattern of being awful, and your dad behaved badly. But I wonder if there is an underlying reason for that – it is so hard for elderly people to hear in restaurants these days, and maybe he thought he would not be able to hear the conversation at the table. Also, it does sound like a booth had been requested when the reservation was made? That is no excuse for rudeness, of course. And I know that feeling of walking on eggshells all the time when an elderly man is used to getting his way, and has all these “rules” (like wanting a booth at a restaurant) and snaps when he doesn’t get his way. My father in law was really like that (didn’t mellow until he hit about 90, but he did), and my dad also can be that way. My mom was an enabler of it, just as it sounds like your mom is.
My dad did say something quite astonishing (for him) to me a few months ago. He said that he was the only boy in a family with four kids (3 daughters), and looking back he knows he was given much more attention and family favoritism than he deserved just because he was a boy. It was almost (not quite!) an apology for a lifetime of sexism and entitled behavior on his part. It is part of how many men of that generation were raised – they were just treated that way, and assume they are owed that still. I know it doesn’t make you feel any better, but it probably started long before you were born.
Yes - very true - first born son to immigrant parents - treated like a king. He is a narcissistic bully and my mother his chief enabler - quite a pair. He is a nasty man - particularly to women - and to anyone who disagrees with him or challenges him in any way. He stopped speaking to his sister 12 years ago after a minor disagreement and has no idea I am still in frequent contact with her. He demands loyalty - and would disown me on the spot if he knew I talk to her weekly.
The inheritance is pretty sizeable - at this point - although no way to predict how long they live and what will be left. I do feel like I have earned it, many times over.
The funny part - if there is a funny part - is that I am the only family member who is assisting them as they age and who has been “designated” as the person who will be asisting them until their respective deaths. So, you would think they would be apologizing to me! But they never see it that way.
RVM, think now about the December holidays and how to maintain more control in whatever ways you wish. Maybe no meet up with them, initially, or very short. No restaurants. If they fuss, you get right up and walk into another room, excuse yourself with an urgent need to use the bathroom, forgot something in the car, your cell phone “rings,” etc.
My gm pulled the ‘change my inheritance’ thing so many times we eventually said fine, your choice. My mother tried the opposite sort of control, lol, using inheritance like a carrot. Both my brother and I said, no, spend it on yourself, your needs. That sure disarmed her.
We had to take a break with my family. My parents died a few years ago and were in their mid 90’s. They were very difficult at the end. After my mom died Daddy had to go live in assisted living near my sister. His dementia was getting bad and he had no will to live (they had celebrated their 70th anniversary just days before my mom died). Well, my sister made every holiday a living hell after that. She was furious at me for not taking care of my parents more. Yes we lived in the same state but in distance they were equal from us and from my sister (6 hours away). She was retired, no kids nearby and had time to take care of them. I worked full-time and had two younger children involved in sports almost every evening. It made sense that Daddy go live near her. We did more than our share of the financial burden to make up for it. We had to take a break because I got tired of them telling me what an awful daughter and sister I was every time I saw them and then yelling at me for not calling more. I was dealing with my D’s mental illness that zapped every ounce of energy I had. This year is the first time in about 4 years we have talked more. My S17 decided that we are going to her house for Christmas and told them so over Thanksgiving so i guess we are going. I just hope that the break taught them that I can’t take the way they were treating me. (She is 15 years older than I am by the way). Just saying this to let you know that a break can work.