I saw this article today and thought of this thread, and people trying to navigate difficult family relationships:
Such an interesting article, I definitely get it. Particularly the description of relief. Would I ever go that far? Probably not. Though I might like to do so. Took my parents out to lunch today, DS2 and his gf joined us, so it was more enjoyable than my usual lunch with my parents. I do think we have a decent balance at the moment, I help them out once or twice a week, they use their driver otherwise.
I am not pushing any additional medical treatment, I am not trying to convince my mother to use a walker, I am not mentioning selling their condo and moving to assisted living. Their level of stubbornness and obstinance is through the roof and I just give up. I think their quality of life and safety could be greatly improved, but they are beyond resistant to chsnge, and I say so be it.
If I survive doing their taxes for the first time, I’ll let you know. He has always done it by hand, on paper forms, but made errors last year and rcvd corrections and refunds of overpayment on both state and Federal. All they have is pension, ss and interest income - pretty easy. I told him I would only do it online and he agreed. Wish me luck!
If your dad wants to do his own taxes, let him. Tell him you’ll send them in, send in the ones you did. 
I so relate to your situation @rockvillemom. My parent is not as difficult but I’m the good child. The one who has to put up with things while the other sibling gets to stay away.
Yup, my sister visits twice a year for 3 nights, and they pay for her flights.
@rockvillemom or anyone else in this situation, what could your far a away siblings do to lessen your annoyance/frustration/resentment or whatever that they live so far away?
As the person who lives far away from my sibling who lives near our parents (well, now just our mother) I can tell you that during my dad’s illness and eventual death, the main thing I provided my sister was a listening board. She would call me on her way back from seeing our parents and vent and vent, and I would listen and sympathize. I would also make sure to go visit as much as I could, trying for every 2-3 months (I’m in CA, they’re in NY) and I especially made it my business to go there when my sister needed to get away for some vacation. I would go and house-sit for her and take over with our parents, so my sister could leave town with a clear conscience. I never felt like I was doing enough, but I don’t think either my sister or my mom hold it against me, they know I did all I could given the limitations of distance. But I honestly think the main thing I provided was a willingness to drop everything and listen to whatever she had to say.
My sibling lives out of state. When I was actively caregiving he was my “go to” for emotional support. No one knew the family dynamics and family history better than him and it was very helpful to be able to vent to someone who really got it. I was fortunate that he never undermined my decisions and was always supportive, and grateful for my involvement.
Since we’ve moved out of state ourselves, he’s stepped up a lot and was able to fly in and be the one to help transition mom to memory care. It was brutal for both of them and he did an amazing job. I’m forever grateful!
If something happens to our dad first, mom will go to a memory care facility near him.
@b1ggreenca it sounds like you did the perfect things! My sister is 900 miles away, her listening to me vent has been ever so helpful and she has called regularly for the past decade and have given me a travel break on several occasions. Why my other siblings did not make more effort, I cannot explain.
@b1ggreenca, your situation sounds much like mine and I always feel that I can’t do enough for my sister. She manages my mom, along with two teenagers and I know it’s not easy. Mom is 86 and while she lives alone in an apartment, she is starting to diminish cognitively. I know this will require more and more of my sister’s time until we can get mom to agree to some paid help on regular basis. I live 400 miles away and try to visit for 4-5 days at least every 10 weeks, but I know it’s a drop in the bucket compared to being responsible for her every day. Our third sister (150 miles from mom) has a twenty-something with mental health issues so she’s not as available but she does what she can when she can.
Hi @rockvillemom here we are again with Thanksgiving around the corner. How are your parents? How about the friend and coworker with melanoma? Last I remember she was returning to work part time.
For the firs time, dh and I are traveling to the kids’ house for T’giving and sharing an Airbnb with ds1’s gf’s family, who we’ve never met. Wish us luck!
That’s pretty brave of you. No way would I be able to talk DH into doing that.
Come back after and update!
I will!
@Nrdsb4 I am reporting back that if the kids break up, I want her parents in the divorce.
We had a lovely time getting to know them. The place they rented was beautiful. The parents were so fun and warm and clearly adore ds1. I mean, you hope that your kid’s significant other’s parents will like your kid, but they truly appreciate him and have been able to discern various nuances about him. It was so meaningful to see how much they like him for their dd and to hear how he has changed her for the better. I REALLY hope this works out! They’ve been together a year now and certainly are making plans for the future.