Thanksgiving Family Follies

Parent Cafe
1

There are other TG threads, for food or otherwise updated. But I thought there might be a place for this year’s family shenanigans.

I’ll start. My previously described Borderline Personality SIL who’s always come to our house for TG, bringing various obnoxious boyfriends or husband whom we always accept, has announced she’s not coming this year to either Thanksgiving or my D’s baby’s first birthday the week before, as long as family members of mine are there. (She’s barely tolerating me.) Reason? We didn’t give her enough attention at our mother’s memorial lunch last spring. She left that in a huff because I was not paying enough attention to her, even having the temerity to sit with my mother’s relatives (people who’d known Mom her whole life). So she’s skipping TG, skipping my GD’s birthday party (after also complaining she hadn’t time with the baby at aforementioned memorial lunch). It’s beyond ridiculous, and I want to say “her loss” but I do hate this kind of stupid family riff. You’ll have to take my word for it that no one that she’s refusing to see did anything to her. At all.

Anyway, that’s my story–share yours!

2

Honestly sounds like you’ll all be much better off, @abasket. She sounds irrational.

3

Our relationship with late MIL was always difficult. One Thanksgiving over ten years ago, one of our sons was so stressed about being around her that he took a walk for the entire time she was here. We got through dinner, gave him an all-clear phone call when she left, and had Second Thanksgiving together on the couch.

Another time even longer ago, just as we were designing the house we built, MIL was talking very intensely about a horrible historical situation from decades in the past – think Armenian Genocide. While we all agreed with her, it was getting wearing sitting through her monologue about it. We tried changing the subject, asking her questions about other things. No luck. Finally, in a desperate bid to reclaim the day, DH brought a foam-board model of our house to the table. My father beams at it and goes “What’s that???” as though he’d never seen a house before, and the two of them finally wrestled away control of the conversation. (“So the door goes there, huh?” “Yeah. Yeah, we think it’ll work.”)

4

My first Thanksgiving with Mr R was spent at his aunt and uncle’s house. I should’ve canceled the invitation when my now-MIL (who I consider pretty much a religious fanatic) warned me that the aunt and uncle were “a little religious.”

It was awkward to say the least. I’m an atheist and have been for most of my life, but I also went to Catholic school for 9 years so I can usually blend in to Christian situations. This was not one of those times. I remember the few days we were there being a series of unfortunate events, but two particular things stand out to me almost ten years later:

-We were playing a card game. (I should mention that this aunt and uncle have something like 12 bio and adopted kids and they also get married and start producing children in their early 20s, just to give context.) It was one where you had to quickly pass cards to the side while you tried to make a set in your hand. The goal is to just do everything as quickly as possible so you’re looking at your hand the whole time (though we were talking). Somehow marriage came up and I off-handedly mentioned how I wasn’t changing my name when I married. Suddenly, I noticed that I wasn’t getting cards so I looked up. Everyone was just STARING at me like I had grown a few extra heads. The ensuing conversation was awkward to say the least. (Side note: a few years later at his cousin’s wedding, I learned that they believe that women can only communicate with God/get to God through their husbands which explains SOOOO much about everything.)

-At dinner time, we were expected to go around and give the bible verse that explained why we loved God this year… or something along those lines. My ability to blend into Christian situations doesn’t extend to knowing bible verses by heart. Son instead they asked for a sermon from church that had spoken to me. Again, couldn’t give one because I don’t go to church. Again, the family looked at me like I was just growing extra body parts by the second.

That was the last Thanksgiving we went to there lol. (This is the same family that tells me that if I pray hard enough, God will cure me of my lupus. Because “God takes care of those who love him.” - the implication by them being that my lack of religiousness is the cause of my illness.)

5

A recent family issue causing some members considerable pain will undoubtedly create a subdued mood over the holidays. A regular will no longer be attending - something our family has never dealt with before.

If that’s not enough, I can’t count on two relatives to check themselves when they invariably wind up in political debates. They aren’t even actually on different sides- just debate for the sake of it.

I may be the one causing drama if they start something at Thanksgiving. You know it’s bad if I no longer care about hurting either of their feelings.

6

Somehow I have managed to create a Thanksgiving tradition that only involves DH and DS’s and the in-laws (the non-dramatic side). Christmas with my family, on the other hand, has already started causing issues.

7

My H’s family has always been drama central and we long ago separated ourselves from their Thanksgiving celebration. No one ever showed up on time, the tension was so thick you could cut it, and no one ever took pleasure in being together. Not to mention my MIL can’t cook and they always wanted to go to a hotel and do the giant buffet thing. My family, 400 miles away, has always loved Thanksgiving and we have many longstanding traditions that my kids have come to cherish. So, we rotate among the sisters and this year my kids, their wives and our GS will gladly travel 400 miles to their aunt’s house. Avoidance has worked wonders in my family!

8

Happy to say that we left the drama behind a few years ago when we started doing “kids” Thanksgiving with just our siblings and their kids. I had a twinge of guilt when we made the switch but having lived in the same town with my parents for 10+ years and seeing them every other day, we wanted to be able to see our siblings too. Not having a raging drunk or step family at each others throats at the holidays makes things so much nicer and predictable!

9

I just feel kind of sad that we live 2,500 miles from my family. They are all getting together at my uncle’s house this year. :frowning:

10

A close family member died unexpectedly this summer and won’t be here. He will be so missed.

11

Our Thanksgiving will be fun as usual, but will be tainted as usual because my brother is spineless and under the thumb of his wife and will not make an appearance. At least now he doesn’t pretend that he’ll be there then ditch at the last minute.

12

I was a little confused when I saw I had a name mention in this thread by doschicos - but I didn’t think I had posted in it! Haha - @garland started this thread.

Thankfully, not really any family follies on my side of the family which is where we spend T-Day. H basically doesn’t see his side of the family on holidays - or much at all anymore - after a falling out when his dad died. To me it’s ridiculous because they live in the same town as my family is that we spend T-Day at. I’ve tried to talk some level of contact into my H without success. Honestly, I understand his reasons and his sisters were awful, but still, sisters, and I think they all need to try a little harder!

13

Oops, sorry for the error. I’m so used to you starting threads, @abasket. :slight_smile: Same sentiment to @garland, though. Enjoy the drama-free holiday!

14

Sending condolences and hugs. That this is the first Thanksgiving without my Mom, whose funeral it was that my SIL is having issues over makes it that much more upsetting. I’m still devastated over Mom’s death this spring, and truly just want a warm, drama-free holiday season.

15

Our Thanksgiving for the past few years (since my daughter went off to college and then stayed there after graduation), has been just a cozy day with the three of us. My daughter doesn’t come back often - many years it is just for Thanksgiving and Christmas - so it is very special to have her home. Every year, I invite my SIL and her husband and they decline (the first 2 years they said yes and then declined at the last minute - better to know they are not coming). They just refuse to leave their house (which is ridiculous we live only 45 minutes away).

16

My mother was born on Thanksgiving and on her last Thanksgiving, it also fell on her birthday. When she was born, her Dad was touring with a musical group and her Mom was alone. I always think of my mother and grandmother on this day, especially when it falls on her birthday.

Maybe that magic has kept it drama free for us. I also refuse to travel since it’s such a crazy week for it. That helps a lot!

Carve out your own special Thanksgiving and enjoy!

17

I always try to remember that my lack of tolerance for other’s views are the same as their apparent lack of tolerance for mine. Although my views are clearly correct. lol.

I try not to overthink it these days and convert the world. It’s much smoother at the holidays.

18

Garland: Timely thread for me.

Once we had grandchildren, inviting my much beloved, single, childless, extremely disruptive, sister for holidays was just too much for me.

Instead, I invite her when she can be the whole focus of the visit, because that is what it takes. She had such a good time summer 2018 on a visit arranged at my home specifically for her to spend time with the grandchildren, that she told me she wanted to come for Christmas.

Then she shared her travel plans. The only possibility was to arrive at an airport 2 hours away from our house at mid-morning Christmas Day. (She is unemployed, with no obligations to anyone) She is unable to drive on highways, so renting a car to get to us is out of the question. And she is also too uncomfortable to use a car service since a stranger will be driving her.

Since she understood very well she was making it impossible for us to have a traditional family Christmas, opening the presents, and then a festive dinner kind of day, she said she would just stay at the airport till the next day. She would be fine. Even though there is no airport hotel to stay in, even if she could get herself there. I told her I needed to think about her plans.

Although it made me feel extremely guilty, and my husband didn’t believe I could really go through with it, I finally called her back and told her those plans just didn’t work for me, and we would have to plan a get-together another time. She was absolutely flabbergasted, but I refused to engage in any discussion or debate, because we have been having the same discussion and debate since we were teenagers sharing a car. It took 50 years, but I’m done.

Instead Difficult Sister went to spend Christmas with another sister. The other sister was over-the-moon thrilled that all her children and their partners, with the grandchildren were able to come in from out of state at the same time that year. And other sister’s husband’s father and his partner, and his sister and her husband. Difficult Sister, instead of arriving around 9pm Christmas Eve as planned, got in around 3am Christmas Day, and without her cell phone so as to let everyone know what was going on.

She’s not coming here for Thanksgiving or Christmas, but is invited for a visit in early December to see some museum exhibits in which she’s expressed interest. She says she is coming, but hasn’t finalized plans yet. I have the time crossed out on my calendar if she gets plans together. She has cancelled her last two proposed visits,( in one case losing her airplane ticket cost) that didn’t involve other guests coming at the same time.

It makes me very sad, but my focus has to be our children and grandchildren. These are going to be their holiday memories.

19

This year will be different for us since Thanksgiving is normally at my parents house (100 miles away) and all of our family goes there. They are not hosting this year since they leave for Hawaii the day after Thanksgiving. My youngest brother and SIL are having her family at their house. My older brother and SIL are going out of state to their son’s house. So I am doing Thanksgiving for the first time at our house. Our D’s will be here along with my parents and my niece and her family. I’m looking forward to a fun day.

20

Anyone else have an H that they don’t dare delegate any of the meal prep to? I still remember family Thanksgivings growing up where my father helped prepare the giblet containing stuffing. My H is best left to pouring the wine and entertaining any guests. He is not at all a foodie so even what to have decisions are in my realm. Plus- his kitchen skills are still too rudimentary for even simple tasks. Growing up in India boys just did not learn anything in the kitchen. I’m trying to teach him basics- peeling and cutting carrots are now on his can do list, for example.