Thanksgiving Parenting SOS!

Parent Cafe
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<p>I really feel it has a lot to do with the gf - maybe he’s feeling a little insecure while she’s off at a resort (with the availability of other guys???).</p>

<p>My kids eat their dinner and then off with their friends. My D who is in her 2nd year of college went out and got back around 11. Boy, was I surprised! But then trying to have a conversation w/her while her cell phone is ringing constantly is impossible. Then at 11:45 she was off again (against my strong advice and disapproval), so we had some “words” with each other. She got home around 2 a.m. (with the “you didn’t have to wait up for me”) and then grabbed a blanket and slept on the couch - because her room is too “private.” Of course I was up at 7 a.m. doing my normal routine and she starts complaining - “what am I doing up so early” and that I’m too noisy.</p>

<p>Oh well - is it Sunday yet??? :)</p>

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<p>This, too, shall pass! It’s normal to have this reentry and reidentification issue. Just keep setting basic standards of behavior, let the other stuff go, and realize that, in 3 or 4 years, your loving son will return!</p>

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<p>Different people have different reactions to holidays and T-day can be unexpectedly stressful. The first holiday home after being off to college is, as B4 notes, a matter of reacclamating and every student-family pairing probably negotiates that curve at different speeds and with varying degrees of mutual happiness. Being lovesick & separated is difficult, particularly if he’s never done <em>that</em> before, either.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

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<p>Sorry if I sounded harsh–half joking. My son was homeschooled and I know him all TOO well. What causes his attitude problem is teenage boy crankiness (aka hormones). </p>

<p>Just want to show that the other option (kid not coming home) can be a good one for the whole family. The main reason my son isn’t home is the price of another plane ticket. I can’t say we didn’t miss him at all, but we didn’t miss the attitude and refusal to help/participate in the holiday festivities. He was perfectly happy to stay at school with friends, work on paper due next week, etc. He knows that he’s always welcome at home and we’d be there for any emergency.</p>

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<p>Hey Sage: Take heart, try to endure…it may be temporary or it may simply be who he is for a while. My day was essentially wonderful, yet there were some real horrid moments. It was wonderful because I ignored the bumps and focused on the joy…I prefer to ignore the bumps ;)</p>

<p>Oldest D, over 21, home working and waiting to take a final couple of courses in the spring to finish her degree went out Wed PM, I knew her cell phone was likely dead, but she is wonderful about keeping me informed of her whereabouts (it is a fine line…over 21, but living in my home, trying to grant some autonomy, but needing the respect of sharing a home) well, she never came home Wed night…I suspected she slept at a friends, but no calls, no texts and she is always great about it…I had bad dreams & worried all night…she figured I knew her phone was dead and I would know she was at a friends, but we have seen 4 accidents on the highway this week…I actually called the ER to check her name. She is my least enthusiastic kidlet and I just set down certain parameters- I want your room clean by time X, I need you to set the table by team Y, I need you to come to the dinner table, that’s it, no other expectations. She spent most of the day in bed and did get the table set on time, etc and did come to the table, be polite to company, etc. I told the kids they could escape after the eats and she did, but all the college kids ended up staying late and filling the house with laughter with oldest DD leading the pack, that night, so by not making a big scene over “dinner” and conversation and by asking for limited and specific help, I was able to feel like she did not slack and her wonderful side was able to come out and fill the house with joy when the pressure diminished.</p>

<p>I actually went to bed early and my DH woke me up, out of a sound sleep, and said, “listen” I heard the amazing wonderful laugh of my DD, which is so contagious, then the others began to join in and it blended together in happy harmony. I choose to keep that moment as my kodak moment of Tgiving, not her earlier sullen sleepiness or lack of enthusiasm :D</p>

<p>My in-laws always cause the house to be filled with pressure to perform to their expectations and I strive to avoid that feeling in my house, I want my kids to want to come home for the holidays and want to be home whenever.</p>

<p>Another sad story…we drove 3 hours to the airport to pick up another D coming home for the holidays, we usually have her take the shuttle but wanted to spend some fun talking time together :slight_smile: D had not eaten since breakfast and was brittle & emotional (always happens when food is not constant & she is old enough to know that) and H was CRANKY at having driven 3+ hours through the rain and the horrid traffic. We were driving to the other side of town, back through the same horrid traffic to eat. DH & DD got into a misunderstanding, but with her lack of food meltdown and his now 4 hours in rain & traffic (we live in a small town without traffic so get extra cranky when forced to endure city traffic which we knew growing up!) in a very short time DD ended up in tears and DH was snappy & upset…not a great way to begin things. But they got over themselves, got some dinner! And we had a great day Thursday anyway.</p>

<p>I have found that social expectations at holidays seem to be soooo difficult for some kids, I think because they are going through transitions and thinking about so much in life it seems they don’t have the patience for what they see as a contrivance.</p>

<p>I try to simply ask for good manners, such as, “you need to make sure you take at least 15 minutes one on one with grandma some time today” then let him choose the time, but expect it to be done. Pick for your son the few things he must do and be specific in the requests and then drop the rest for now. It may take a year or two before things settle out, he is in transition and it is just easier for some kids than others, but if you give him reasonable requirements, he will still be coming waround when he has pulled his head out of wherever he currently has it :smiley: I think you are not out of line to ask for some participation with guests, his presence with some conversation at dinner and maybe a shower before dinner!!</p>

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<p>Sage44 –
This is a little late, and might have been more helpful before the break started, but it’s copied from my response on another thread about kids coming home for Thanksgiving:</p>

<p>Thanksgiving break is notorious for being a tough transition for parents of Freshmen.</p>

<p>I found the following advice from Western in Canada…where they’ve already had their Thanksgiving break:</p>

<p>“Stress and Pressure - Thanksgiving Break:
Thanksgiving break is often a crisis point in the first semester at university. Early feedback on school work may not look good and papers and exams are looming ahead…Your child may need to come home and recover from the stress and pressure she is under at school. … The first semester at university demands personal and academic adjustments that will test your child’s confidence and force him or her to accept the consequences of his or her actions (or inaction!). “</p>

<p>“What to Do :
• Try to be sympathetic. Let him/her know that you understand how difficult the adjustment to university can be. …
• Make it clear to him/her what level of involvement you expect from her in the family’s holiday plans: “We are all having Thanksgiving dinner together, and I expect you to be a part of our celebration from three until about seven o’clock.”</p>

<p>“What to Avoid :
• Taking on his/her problem and trying to fix it yourself.
• Telling your child what to do: “If you’d stay home and study for your exams or work on your paper instead of going out every night, you wouldn’t be in this jam.”
• Reorganizing your holiday weekend around your child’s erratic schedule or nagging her about being involved with the family. This will only make you feel exasperated and resentful… “</p>

<p><a href=“http://www.uwo.ca/hfs/housing/reside...ts/october.htm[/url]”>http://www.uwo.ca/hfs/housing/reside...ts/october.htm&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>Sage, it sounds to me as if something is not right with one or more people in your son’s life. Best guess is that things aren’t really going well with the girlfriend. . . maybe she is making him jealous, maybe she’s putting some kind of pressure on him. Something is bothering him, and he feels he should be able to handle/solve it by himself. </p>

<p>When my kids have problems with other people, they’re at their worst.</p>

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<p>“When my kids have problems with other people, they’re at their worst.”</p>

<p>Isn’t that the truth!</p>

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<p>My mother still talks about the family vacations that were adversely affected by either mine or my brother’s “love life” ;).</p>

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<p>You did lose something. You lost your little boy. You didn’t lose the emotional connection to your son–just the little boy part of him. Try to see him for who he is now. That’s a man sitting next to you eating cookies. He can’t stop thinking about his girlfriend–naked. Were you ever separated from a lover? The pain of that separation is physical. I so remember it.</p>

<p>Chances are he won’t stop thinking about her or another ‘her’ for the rest of your life. Find a way to befriend that love-addled man or risk losing the plot–and I say that as the mother of two sons and no daughters.</p>

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<p>I’m positive I ruined a few family trips pouting over being dragged away from the boyfriend. I remember feeling it was all so unfair!</p>

<p>S2 left after dark last night to make the 3 hour trip back to sch. I had questioned him as to why he didn’t wait until morning instead of driving at night alone. Only as he was getting in the truck did the truth come out…“I have a lunch date tomorrow so need to get back tonight” …ahhhha, the truth finally comes out.</p>