<p>Freshman son is home for Thanksgiving and is just acting miserable! He is distant, uncommunicative, not spending any time with any of us (including grandma), you name it…</p>
<p>We’re almost ready to sit down to dinner. I tried to make it nice, like usual…but son is welled up in his room watching TV, hasn’t showered or dressed, and has not offered one shred of help. He is doing just okay in school…having problems, but getting by…has a new, very special girlfriend whose family has taken a fabulous trip to a very toney resort (we couldn’t even begin to afford…all our money goes to expense and, surprise, college). He really is hung up on her and she him. I don’t understand the attitude…I feel he’s punishing us.</p>
<p>Help, dear friends! How can I salvage this disaster of a holiday?? I’m heartbroken!</p>
<p>Happy T-Day!!! Hope yours is way better than mine.</p>
<p>Sage44, hope the day improves as it goes on. My freshman son is 3,000 miles away at this roommate’s house. I called him this morning and he asked me “what do you need?” According to his father that is his way of saying he misses me. I ended up hanging up the phone in tears. Sounds to me like mine misses me, and yours really needs some time to decompress. Don’t forget there isn’t much “alone” time when you are a college freshman.</p>
<p>He has gotten used to the college experience. He was at home for 18 years and he is finally free of all familial obligations. Now he has to return home and is expected to go back to the old state of things…that’s hard to adjust to.</p>
<p>Don’t feel jealous of the girlfriend and her family. Instead of feeling bad, tell your son to shape up. Remind him that he’s still part of this family, the one that loves him, supported him for 18 years, and is paying for his college education. If that doesn’t wake him up nothing will. It’s time to give thanks after all.</p>
<p>Do you know if he has been feeling this way when he was at college? In other words, is this just an extension of how he’s been feeling, or has he been all happy at school, but miserable now that he’s home?</p>
<p>If he’s been feeling down while at school, then you will know it has nothing to do with the family and therefore should not take it personally. If this is the case, perhaps you can draw him out and get him to talk about what’s bothering him. It may be that he has some big issues (school, girlfriend) that have been on his mind for awhile, and you are just now seeing them because you weren’t around him before. If he has been unhappy at school, then it may very well be that he needs time to ‘decompress’ and you should see it as a positive thing that he feels safe enough at home to let his true feelings out without fear of being rejected, and get the rest that he needs. (rest as in, detach from the world, veg out, recharge his batteries before he has to face school again.)</p>
<p>otoh, if he has been all cheery whenever you’ve spoken with him on the phone, and you determine that he really has been happy, but is just now unhappy now that he’s home, well, then, that is an entirely different issue. I would agree that in this case, it might be appropriate to be a little more firm with him that hey, he’s been at school all this time, and only has a few days with family, so he really should try to get into the family spirit. </p>
<p>These are 2 distinctly different possibilities that would warrant different responses.</p>
<p>Well, sorry, I am going to say the boy is being rude…he is an adult, and sometimes you just have to do the family thing…it is called courtesy…and as adults we all do the social thing</p>
<p>Decompress, sure, but that doesn’t meen one hides away from family</p>
<p>What a parent needs to do is go in and say, look, I know you miss your GF, she sounds wonderful, but Grandma is here and as part of this family, you should show some respect and love and join us…we don’t have to talk about school or anything, but we do expect you to be part of this family…it won’t kill you to talk to Grandma…</p>
<p>I know kids go through “stuff” but if they are basically mentaly okay, just pouty, well indulging the bratty behavior and as we are talking about a college MAN, he needs to get over himself just a bit</p>
<p>I bet he’s lovesick–and in the midst of a little identity discombobulation; ie am I a little boy in my mama’s house or am I a gorgeous hunk with a body that’s adored by an actual live (and sometimes naked) female?</p>
<p>Pick your battles. Enjoy the dinner and share some advice on how to survive lovesickness. Don’t feed him the negative attention he seems to crave.</p>
<p>Even without the girlfriend situation, coming home from college for the first time is a weird experience. You’re not exactly the same person you were when you left, and the family may not relate to you in the same way, either.</p>
<p>Also, Thanksgiving Day is traditionally a family day, so your son would probably feel weird about calling his girlfriend or any of his high school friends, yet he may desperately want to do just that.</p>
<p>I say wait until tomorrow and see how things are going for him then. The day after Thanksgiving is a more normal situation. See if you observe more normal behavior. If not, maybe you or some other family member should talk to him and see if he wants to say what’s going on. Perhaps he had an argument with the girl or is having difficulty in a course or something like that.</p>
<p>Sage, if it makes you feel any better, you’re not the only one with a teen who is putting a major damper on the holiday:</p>
<p>Hubby and I stood up to the in-laws (200 miles away) and said we weren’t coming for Thanksgiving because DS is a Senior, he’s in the band, and it’s his last football game so we’re staying home so he can attend. Turns out it poured cold rain and the band left after the first quarter. The game was at a hs undergoing major reconstruction, so there were virtually NO grandstands, we stood on the sideline in the mud and couldn’t see anything. DD (a frosh) is supposed to be grounded for breaking a household rule, but we allowed her come along and watch the game with her boyfriend. He broke up with her during the game. Bottom line: the game was a disaster, daughter is a teary mess who isn’t talking, except to tell us that she misses seeing her cousins because we didn’t travel for Thanksgiving!</p>
<p>This is what we get for trying to do what our kids wanted, and staying home so they could go to the big game. And tomorrow we still have to drive the 200 miles to the in-laws to participate in a gift exchange. I hope our story gave some other parents a laugh and made them feel better about their holiday!</p>
<p>Your son is probably suffering from a mix of, “How do I fit in here?” and “I miss my girlfriend, I wonder how much fun she’s having at fancy resort?” I assume by now dinner is over and you talked him into coming downstairs and being sociable.</p>
<p>Thanks for all your input. It is appreciated and comforting.</p>
<p>Dinner is through and things are quiet. Son never did shower or even clean up for dinner. After about 4 dinner calls, he finally came down. During dinner, he was a man of very few words. Gradually he warmed up, though subdued. He and DH took the dogs out for a walk at my suggestion. DS came back a little happier. Now DS is sitting with grandma and me in the family room having cookies and milk…and watching some sitcoms. I can’t say I’ll ever understand DS’s behavior. I long for the good old days when communications were clearer and more direct, and when it was all a wonderful lovefest. I don’t recall ever being like DS; I was always so happy to be home. It’s bad enough to lose them physically, but to lose them emotionally is almost unbearable.</p>
<p>I’m going off to college next year, so maybe I have something in common emotionally with your son. I can’t wait to leave the “wonderful lovefest.” That’s hurtful, but I the truth is I don’t like to be surrounded by prying family…I appreciate the comfort of home and I will miss Mom and Dad, but I can totally identify with your son who doesn’t see as much in common with the family as he did as a child…it’s natural since he has become more of his own person now (or is trying to figure out how to do that). I think it’s totally selfish to act out these feelings, because that same family you’re distancing yourself from provides everything for us kids, which is why I do my best to make them feel good and hide my feelings.</p>
<p>If S acts rude, don’t invite him/pay for his trip home next Thanksgiving.</p>
<p>Our S gave us some “attitude” during holidays the past couple years–this year he’s having Thanksgiving at a prof’s house with some other students. We’re having a peaceful day, and I’m sure S is displaying his best manners at the prof’s house. S will be home for Xmas soon enough.</p>
<p>“Our S gave us some “attitude” during holidays the past couple years–this year he’s having Thanksgiving at a prof’s house with some other students.”</p>
<p>That sounds a bit harsh to me. Did you even bother to find out WHY he had the attitude? Maybe something was bothering him.</p>
<p>I agree with the OP saying it’s hard enough to distance from them physically, but to distance emotionally is unbearable. I think it is important that the kid know we are always there for him, and that he always has a home to come back to.</p>
<p>It’s bad enough to lose them physically, but to lose them emotionally is almost unbearable."</p>
<p>I almost cried when I read that. I have to believe that it’s a phase, a necessary step in your son’s “growing up”, and one day you two will reconnect. It won’t ever be exactly the same as it was, but he will find his way back to you if you are patient. </p>
<p>It sounds to me like you handled the day right. You got him to appear, even if he wasn’t clean and neat, and as the day went on it sounds like things got a little better. Maybe you can sit down for a heart-to-heart later this weekend, or over the holidays if he’s home longer. He needs to know that there are still standards for acceptable behaviour at home, but that you are willing to give him some space to work thru whatever is bothering him.</p>
<p>I guess we just have to hope this all passes with age. Our S seems to be bored to tears every time he is here. Can’t wait to run out and see old friends, staying out for hours and coming in after we are asleep.<br>
I’ve had to bite my tongue to keep from asking why he bothered to even come home. Probably because the sch. cafeteria is closed and he needs the free food. Sage, take heart. You are not alone.</p>
<p>Oh Sage, I’m sorry that your S is being this way. I do think it is within the realm of normal freshman boy behavior, but I bet that doesn’t help you feel any better about it. Last year S was all about seeing his friends while home on Thanksgiving break. He was sick, too, for the first couple of days. So between laying in bed and borrowing the car the entire weekend, it was a dramatic let-down from what I’d hoped and planned for. This year, his second Thanksgiving home, he is all about food. He lives in a studio apartment at college now and fends for himself cooking-wise. It’s like he’s never seen a stocked pantry and kitchen. He just stands there looking at all the choices and then eats and eats and eats! He’s back to being a pleasant companion who was conversant with Grandpa today (who went into long boring detail on his new hobby, the family geneology. He played Scrabble (and even kept score). He plans to watch a football game with Dad and go see the new Bond movie tomorrow. He shared his iPod with his younger sister on the way down to Thanksgiving at the relatives. His friends are hardly mentioned. So, they do at some point seem to appreciate hearth and home and even allow themselves to act like it. Hang in there!</p>
<p>I am so sorry that you are not having the Thanksgiving holiday with your son that you had hoped to have. I know how disappointed you must feel, and my heart goes out to you. </p>
<p>I think the holidays can be hard on many people who have been led by the gorgeous TV commercials to think that every family get together should be warm and fuzzy and happy. The fact is that the holidays are a stressful time for many families and not everyone’s celebrations reflect a Kodak moment.</p>
<p>I do think that the future will hold many, many happy and lovely family celebrations for you and your son. The first year of college can be so stressful and your son is adjusting to a very new life, complete with a new girlfriend. I am sure that he misses her a great deal, and that may be part of the problem.</p>
<p>I hope things continue to improve thoughout the weekend…Hang in there, and keep us posted, o.k.??? </p>
There’s a reason for that old saying about the young man who, at age 18, finds his father to be a fool - but at age 21 is amazed at how much Dad has learned in only three years. I think some emotional distance is a normal part of the growing up process for kids in late adolescence. It’s not pleasant for parents, but a rewarding and more adult relationship will result. </p>
<p>I’m not a grandmother yet, but my friends who are tell me that their children become much closer to them at that point. Never underestimate the lure of free babysitting.</p>
<p>I think many of us (with boys, especially) have gone through - and will continue to go through from time to time - these distancing behaviors. Varying forms of sullenness, lack of communication, apparent boredom, apparent failure to appreciate…</p>
<p>It’s never fun and always some level of worry. But it is natural for many, many kids (those of you not experiencing this, take a moment to count your blessings here ). </p>
<p>It’s harder at the holidays because of expectations for the Kodak moment, and the shortness of time they are here. </p>
<p>Count me among those who believe this, too, shall pass. My own son has been quite pleasant and a <em>little</em> social this weekend. But we started marking the loss of communicativeness a couple of years back, so I think he’s just on a different schedule from your son, sage. And I don’t pretend to believe we are totally out of the woods.</p>
). </p>