<p>Every school has one. The kid hell-bent on getting into some super-selective dream school, but is a complete tool who goes about it in a hilariously misguided fashion.</p>
<p>This is the story of Andrew Farley (name changed to preserve his anonymity). Andrew wants to go to Yale. Like, really, really badly. As in I am legitimately afraid to come to school on April 1st if he gets rejected from Yale, lest I suffer his passive-aggressive rampage. Andrew is what I like to call your typical ■■■■■■■■ smart kid - the kid who gets good grades and is close to the top of his class, but is actually a tool devoid of any sensibility. He’s the kind of kid who will ask an irrelevant question in class just to stir the pot, no doubt in an attempt to seem thoughtful or insightful. When he wears his letter jacket (every day), you can plainly see all *seven *of his letters (Orchestra, Mu Alpha Theta, DECA, NHS, and two separate academic letters), arranged with meticulous symmetry and needlework. </p>
<p>He’s taken the SAT five times. Now, it’s difficult for me to gauge how exceedingly terrible he must be at test-taking to still have an unsatisfactory score after five tries, but I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt. He’s not an idiot (at least, not when it comes to testing), and by word of mouth he’s raised his score from somewhere in the mid-2000’s to the mid 2100’s. And this only took him five tries. When confronted by our calculus teacher as to why he took the damned thing so many times, his sagacious response was a mere: “I wanted a higher score.” Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t Yale one of the few schools in the country that doesn’t use Score Choice? </p>
<p>Here’s my favorite anecdote of Andrew’s. For his alumni interview, this kid went all out. I mean dress slacks, button-down shirt, tie, everything. It was as though, in his mind, this middle-aged man who likely knew as little about the admissions process as he did was a sort of winged sentinel, standing guard at the very gates of Yale. And Andrew, in all of his foolhardy aspiration, was determined to prove his worth to this proverbial seraph-gatekeeper. So Andrew brought a deck of cards to the interview, so that he may charm the alumnus with a card trick.</p>
<p>A damn card trick. At his interview. So the guy would “remember him”.</p>
<p>I have no idea what the aftermath of this encounter was. He was deferred from Yale SCEA, so Yale must have seen something in him that was at least remotely promising. But I tell you this, friends: if Andrew Farley, this walking flask of tool-essence who plays the admissions game like a blind sheep, is accepted to Yale, then I will henceforth cease to acknowledge Yale as a respectable institution worthy of academic recognition, scholarly integrity, or any sort of educational merit. </p>
<p>And I will be absolutely convinced of my justification in doing so.</p>
<p>/rant</p>