<p>My kids hate being interrogated too. That doesn’t always stop me though! Still I generally have had better results if I just told them about my day. What are you reading in English, or what are you doing in History now, often works well for conversation starter because we generally have opinions about it and it doesn’t feel as intrusive. The best (i.e. most informative) car trips were when they are in the car with friends. Don’t suppose you could carpool?</p>
<p>Of course it’s “worse with you,” Seiclan. He has been close to and dependent on you for 14 years. If he is going to differentiate now, you’re the one. </p>
<p>This is necessary. It is also difficult. Unconditional love and a sense of humor help a great deal.</p>
<p>The only tip I can think of right now: does he have a time when he is more “chatty” (relative term!) than others? Throughout high school, I found that our S would come in at night from time with his friends, get a giant bowl of ice cream, flop onto a chair, and start talking to me.</p>
<p>I started staying up, you know…reading or watching TV so it’s not obvious…so I’d be there when that happened. My sleep suffered, but my mama-soul benefited.</p>
<p>High school is exhausting - emotionally and physically. I recommend that you smile at him when he enters your vehicle, hand him food, then drive off silently. Give him time and quiet to shake off the day. The more space you give him, the more he may open up. :)</p>
<p>He definitely is more talkative (and happy) later in the evening, when he comes into my room with his ice cream cone (always needs an evening snack) but alas, I am in bed and mush for brains at that hour. I used to be such a night owl back in the day! Thank you for all the support and suggestions. I really was starting to doubt my parenting skills there (did you guys see the movie Parenthood a few years back…when Steve Martins character envisions his son to one minute be graduating college with honors and the next minute he is a sniper in the clocktower!!!).</p>
<p>A few random observations: </p>
<ol>
<li><p>Yes, it is perfectly normal. My son must have been precocious, it started almost to the day of his 13th birthday, with signs of a normal human being emerging around the time he turned 15. Age 16 + car + drivers’ license seemed to shift the balance back to “be nice to mom, the custodian of the car keys.”</p></li>
<li><p>I do think that my relationship with my son was impacted, for the better, because I am a single parent, and he is my elder child – so when he emerged from the 2-year-long angry sulk, I let him be “the man” of the house. Unfortunately, being “the man” of the house entails ceding absolute power over the remote control… I was relieved when my “man” went off to college and I could finally watch the programs I wanted. </p></li>
<li><p>Speaking of t.v. programs, during his teens my son liked to watch Jeopardy and the X-Files (this was during the 90’s – he is now almost age 25). I solved the problem with non-communication by becoming an X-Files fan. Son was not willing to talk to me in words regarding real life issues, but was quite happy to speculate endlessly on black oil, bees, and cigarette-smoking man. Jeopardy was a little more straightforward, but less verbally complex, as it involves merely shouting out single words and short phrases at the t.v. </p></li>
<li><p>Rolling back in time, when my son was age two he remarked to me that he had figured out the difference between men and women: “men get angry; women cry”. Seemed to hold true in our house.</p></li>
<li><p>The blood-sugar thing is also important; to this day, son is always grumpy when hungry, agreeable after being fed. For effective communication, don’t ask, “How was your day?”; ask, “what toppings do you want on the pizza?”</p></li>
</ol>
<p>My S is almost 16, and I sure HOPE what you describe is normal … I have operated on the assumption that it is!! He really has little interest in conversing with me, and a simple question like, “Do you have much homework tonight?” is interpreted as nagging. Those moments of still wanting to be near me come every so often (he really likes to have me stay up with him to watch Conan on Friday nights … I sometimes nap so I can do it). He still wants to do things with me once in awhile … I try to be accomodating when he does happen to want to do something with me. He prefers to do things with his dad lately, which is absolutely fine … but he can give Dad the cold shoulder, too. Such is the life of a teenage boy, I guess.</p>
<p>This all reminds me of S’s current favorite retort to almost every question… “Why do you need to cry about it?” Every question about chores, homework, etc is indeed interpreted as a nag!</p>
<p>But we did shovel together twice today and watched a movie together – not alot of conversation but time and some physical closeness during the movie – that’s the good stuff right now…</p>
<p>My teenage son walked in the door once after school and I said “how was your day?” He angrily answered: “Do you HAVE to know everything?”</p>
<p>He’s 24 now and a pleasure to be with. At least most of the time.</p>
<p>Another mom here to say: Normal.</p>
<p>My son is now 21. He now enjoys our company again and even seeks it out. This was not true when he was 20. So, you may have longer to wait than you have been hoping. Then, again, I wasn’t expecting much until he was 29… or 40. So I’m in seventh heaven. (He is still a fairly quiet person, but that is his personality. However, he is no longer masquerading as a deaf mute).</p>
<p>I am no dummy. But I will tell you that it was practically impossible for me to do what I KNEW would help. And that is, NOT ASK QUESTIONS. Rather talk about things of general interest, what had happened to me that day, etc. So simple, but I just so needed to ask what was going on with him. WRONG. INEFFECTIVE. COUNTERPRODUCTIVE. Maybe you will be a faster learner than I was.</p>
<p>Anyway, you will get him back. I think basically they are afraid they will not be seen as separate mature adults unless they take a hatchet to the parent-child communication channel. We ask, therefore, we smother. That is how they see it.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>ROFL:D
Perfect!!! </p>
<p>Take heart, all, these creatures mutate back into our sweet sons at some point. (Though my son’s sweetness is tempered by a healthy (?) dose of cynicism and humorous sarcasm.)</p>
<p>seiclan, welcome to the club! I have two 16 year olds at the moment and on the days when I pick them up from school, I don’t even acknowledge them anymore. I pretend I am a chauffeur. I wait for them to talk, if they do. One of them tends to fall asleep during the 20 minute ride home, so I realize how exhausted he must be. They are also famished, so perhaps I will start taking a snack along with me. If I start to say ANYTHING at all about school, one will invariably say, “I’ve heard this already from you. I know!!!” I also have a 22 year old who now calls me when he walking to a grad school class, has a question about a recipe he’s trying out. Etc. Gets in touch WAY more often than he did while in college. So, while I never thought it would happen, he’s back. Wishing you luck and patience. I often run out of both, but keep promising myself I will do better next time.</p>
<p>As a teenager, who actually unfortunately inflicts this same tortute on my parents, here is my advice. Don’t ask him questions, and just almost ignore him for about a week or something. Also, for that week, don’t invite him places. Example, if you are going to go out to dinner with DH, don’t invite him (if he is old enough to be left home alone at night). He will eventually want to be included and will value time with you more. It might work. It won’t hurt trying in my mind. Good luck, and its perfectly normal.</p>
<p>Yeah, usually though they don’t really want to come. Just give them money and let them order pizza or something. I think teenagers should just be left alone, they’re too volatile.</p>
<p>My nephews were very tough at that age and several of my mom friends with sons reported the same sort of behavior. My sense is that it is normal. Also, you say he gets excellant grades. That can be especially socially stressful for boys at this moment in our society. He’s probably very bright and interested in his classes but feeling a fair amount of peer pressure to not “act smart.” I think that’s harder for boys than girls sometimes.</p>
<p>Reading this thread is like reliving my own life! I have 2 boys, 17 & almost 20. My husband is never here… he’s a workaholic, so its me & the boys… alone… 95% of the time. In many ways, (except financial), I’m essentially a single mom.</p>
<p>So… I’ve been through the ringer with my boys… the ups and down, testerone surges, moodiness… the whole thing. There’s nothing quite like a 6’2" “man”, over 200 lbs, having a temper tantrum!</p>
<p>But here’s what I’ve figured out, and what I’ve told friends going through it the first time.</p>
<p>IT GETS BETTER!!! Really, for all the craziness S1 & I went through… and there was a lot! He’s an absolute pleasure to be with now. when he’s here. And when he’s not… he calls/emails/IMs. He has an LD, so a large part of his education has been learning compensatory skills, so we’ve partnered a lot, and worked through this stuff together. But he’s away at a competitive school, with very limited academic modifications and succeeding in every capacity. He & I can talk for hours at a time… I’ve told him, I love when he’s home because it makes me so happy, but I love when he’s away because it makes him so happy.</p>
<p>Now… for the 17 yo… he’s a HS Junior… and moody beyond measure. Nothing I say is right, nothing I do is right, and everything that relates to having a mother is an embarrassment to him. However… this time, I KNOW it will get better. </p>
<p>The best time for me with each boy was teaching them to drive. It was totally my job (husband took them each out once). It was forced time we had to spend together, and there’s nothing to do but talk. And they actually ASK to be with you! Sure, there was stress… and I had one really awful day with each of them (we laugh about that now), but all in all, it was the best time. We hardly ever get that anymore. Yesterday, S2 & I went to rent his tux for the Jr. Formal… and out to lunch… brought back all the good memories of last winter driving with him. he actually talked to me!</p>
<p>So there is hope. I once read an essay in a “chicken Soup for the Soul” book, called, “The Alien Upstairs”… try to find it!</p>
<p>nymom</p>
<p>So true! I loved him too much to hoid on to him when he needed to leave home. He would have felt so restless and confined if he had to stay close by. So I enjoy my happiness when I see him and try to enjoy his when he’s away. He did get mumbly when he hit hs and occasionally a little contemptuous. The grunts and mumbles I ignored, the contemptuousness I did not put up with. He’s very cheerful now that he’s gotten some distance, but still not chatty about his personal life. So we talk about books and politics.</p>
<p>Oh, I wish I’d read this thread earlier. What a hoot!</p>
<p>Funny only because those of us with a boy of a certain age can totally relate. Food and drink in the car is the most effective tools I’ve found. And, as difficult as it is, quit asking question after question. Do I really want to know who he danced with at Homecoming??? Yes, but I chillax and know that my prying is not going to get me the answer (besides, I found out later from the mom of a girl who tells all!!! LOL).</p>
<p>Also, it’s probably too late for this child, but something we instituted when ds1 went into middle school (when we knew grunting would increase) was the “high point/low point of the day” at dinner. We went around the table and all of us had to mention at least one high or low point of the day. This made for some fabulous dinnertime conversation with the boys. And, as most things do in this family, it became a contest to see who had the highest high point of the day.</p>
<p>Sitting in the car is the equivalent to the early social skill of “parallel play”. Early education people talk about kids advancing to face-to-face. Clearly teenage boys regress.</p>
<p>And let’s not have this thread take the turn of querying whether for some men in fact they ever get to face-to-face play;).</p>
<p>my friend found it fun to get burritos on a Sunday “morning” and share with the family…drew her son to the living room like you wouldn’t believe…and it was over those “brunches” that they had some good talks…</p>
<p>I remember trying to institute the high point/low point conversations over dinner a few years back (after watching the movie “The Story of Us” with Michele Pffeifer/Bruce Willis). My family wasn’t into it (including husband) so it fell by the wayside. We do sit down to a family meal at least 4 nights a week. Lately the four of us are chatting away (remember I also have two older girls) while our fifth (the 14 year old son) quietly gobbles down his food then asks to be excused. He never really enjoyed “dining” and would rather stay home with chicken tenders or a slice of frozen pizza then join the rest of us at a restaurant. On a flip note, he has a three day weekend (President’s Day?) with very little homework assigned and he has never been more loving and attentive. He has been hugging me all weekend. Last night he came in bed with me to snuggle and watch TV like he used to when he was little. Hard to believe this was the same kid who has been dissing me all week! Of course, I know that tomorrow Mr. Hyde will most likely be back in my car.</p>