<p>“We’ve been working with her to hone in on coping mechanisms.”</p>
<p>Sounds like she has a coping mechanism – she calls you.
When she gets off the phone she feels better, but you feel worse.</p>
<p>guys…
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<p>Nope, I’ve got one that has meltdowns. I listen, murmer a few suggestions in between the whining and try to get off the phone ASAP. I usually get an apology phone call several days later after the storm has passed.</p>
<p>You might try staggering the phone calls a bit. Maybe screen the call and let it go to voice mail and call back an hour later or tell her you need to get back to her. I’m a therapist and I always call clients in crisis back. However, sometimes, when appropriate, I give it a little bit of time before I call back so that the person has a chance to practice the coping skills we’ve been working on. Then when I call I often get a “I did this and I did that and it worked and I feel much calmer” when I reach them which is something we can then build on over time. Sometimes, as parents, we can be too available and it prevents a child from having to figure out other options besides crying on our shoulders. I think it’s the downside of cell phones, e-mails, etc. In my day, you couldn’t just instantly reach a parent if you were away at school. The cost of long distance, etc. made parents a little less accessible and forced kids to figure things out for themselves.</p>
<p>Regarding the cycle…yep near the end of the crisis. Not sure if the previous ones coincided, but it is likely.</p>
<p>Phone calls, texting are driving me nuts. I can control that. I will have to get Dad on board with that. The next scheduled meltdown should occur in late October.</p>
<p>Thank you. I needed to get this out and you have helped me to understand and cope with what is going on.</p>
<p>Here’s where I’m the really clueless mom. My daughter calls and tells me all sorts of problems (she’s sick, the school has messed up reporting her grades, room mate is a pain, etc) and I listen on the phone, and maybe feel helpless, but I can’t fix it so I don’t even offer. If she asks advice I give it. If it sounds like she needs a care package I send it. But other than that it didn’t occur to me that I should do something. I was thinking that listening was doing something…</p>
<p>^^I think that listening IS doing something.^^ We are safe people to complain to. I must say that I enjoy upbeat phone calls a heck of a lot more. Fortunately these days I get those more often than not. :)</p>
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<p>lol…:)</p>
<p>ditto to having meltdown boys and just a few of many memorable calls:</p>
<p>freshman year at 2 am: "I need to take a shower and have no soap and don’t know what to dddoooooo…" I suggested shampoo. </p>
<p>sophomore year at 11 am: “I just woke up and I’m late for class and attendance counts!!!” Me: “Put down the phone and go to class. Now.” I hang up and turn around to confront the horrified eyes of a visiting mother of very young stair-step boys, who has been imagining she is home free if she can ever get through potty training.</p>
<p>Friday afternoon junior year: “No one has time to do anything with me because everyone is a couple!!!” next day, Saturday afternoon: “I am behind on all my reading for next week; I may never catch up all semester and it’s all because Sally and John and Eric came by and just insisted I go out with them and we never got home till 3 or 4 am and I can’t believe they kept me out so late!!!”</p>
<p>one also obsessed about grades. Called frequently to wail he was “failing” which in his-speak meant a B and usually was in a class where he ended up setting the curve. I tried to censor grade talk. I really tried. Once when he called wailing and I asked what I was supposed to do, he said, “nothing. I just don’t have anyone else to tell this stuff to.” :eek:</p>
<p>I think it gets less a problem as they get older and especially when they find significant others willing to bear some of the emotional storm. Like potty training, someday you may look back on it and just laugh.</p>
<p>I do ;)</p>
<p>Even in the middle of it, I look back at it and laugh, if you know what I mean. ;)</p>
<p>Just not with her. </p>
<p>She can usually laugh about it a week or so later, and now that I’ve begun to tease her a little bit about it when it isn’t happening, she will say things, like, “I know this is all in my head, but…” she’s just not willing to let go of the melt-downs quite yet. But at least we both know what’s going on. </p>
<p>I’d like to add that my daffodils and tulips (near chicago) have begun to poke the greens up through the dirt! Not a meltdown at the polar ice caps could ruin my day today. :)</p>
<p>I fully anticipate being able to write this post in a year or two…for, even in HS, my D will save everything in and have her meltdown on Mom. I do think a lot of it is the safety of being able to vent and show weakness in front of someone who’s gonna still totally love you anyway.</p>
<p>It’s hard to remember that she’s not necessarily looking for help or an answer to the dilemma so much as needing to let it all out, and in the process of letting it out, clarifying the path. </p>
<p><em>sigh</em> Parenting is not for sissies, that’s for sure…</p>
<p>Love that - “Parenting is not for sissies.” Might get someone to embroider it on a pillow for me!</p>
<p>My older daughter rarely had breakdowns in high school, but as a Freshman in college we get those calls. She admits she has no one else to talk to like this, she did have at home, which is why she rarely had temper tantrums with us back then. Most of my friends say they get the same kind of phone calls from their kids (girls and boys). I think Freshman especially just get tired of carrying their own load with no one to vent to about the little or big things so it builds up and we hear it when it explodes.</p>
<p>My younger daughter is a big blow up person; can’t wait to see how she/we survive college.</p>
<p>^^^ I hope you won’t mind, but I’ll be doing a two-sided pillow, on one side it’ll read “Parenting is not for sissies” and the other “If it’s not one thing it’s your mother” as a single mom since my D was born, it will be perfect and we can each have a side!</p>