<p>Mid-semester my kid has a monumental meltdown. It’s been limited to a single class each semester (She is in her sophomore year, 600 miles from home). It lasts about 7-10 days. It is about some assignment that she has blown out of proportion. </p>
<p>She calls and sounds so upset and depressed. My mommy senses go to high alert. If I offer any advice, she counters with negatives. I walk on eggshells, because my patience is running very thin. If I just listen, she claims I don’t understand. So now she is in a funk and I have joined her, here at home.</p>
<p>Then out of the blue - the assignment is finished, the dates have been moved, she got one of the top grades in the class, etc, and all is well with the world. She now states, I can get a 4.0 this semester. Geez–all of this for a 4.0? </p>
<p>We’ve been working with her to hone in on coping mechanisms. She is bringing all this stress on herself. Her father and I have never, and I mean never, been grade driven. All we’ve ever asked that she try to do her best. </p>
<p>I need some tools to help her (and me) to manage these meltdowns. Any suggestions will be appreciated.</p>
<p>My eldest sister called home in the middle of a giant melt-down once. Our mom listened to all the hysteria with great calm, and then said, “Hang up the phone and get back to work.” My sister did just that. She finished the project on time, and did well in the course.</p>
<p>A little tough love may be all your daughter needs. After all, she’s the only one who can actually do the work.</p>
<p>I was a little bit like that, although I never vented to anyone. I put a whole lot of pressure on myself to make perfect grades even though, like your daughter, I was just raised to “do my best and let the chips fall where they may.” I would stress and worry, worry and stress, then slam dunk an A. </p>
<p>I’m now seeing this in my own college daughter. But unlike me, she will call, be tearful, and resistant to any kind of advice or sympathy. She gets through it, makes her spectacular grades, and the process starts again. I don’t let it bother me per se, I’m just sorry that she has to make herself so miserable in the process.</p>
<p>I’m all ears for any advice you get that I can take with me as well.</p>
<p>Silvermoon - D does the exact same thing right around midterms! This semester I didn’t call her so much so, although she was in a tizzy, she had to deal with it herself and I for one, felt a lot better!
It happened in one class last week, she got an a+ on the exam. This week was torture until the midtermon Wednesday. Afterwards, “not too bad”. SHEESH!!</p>
<p>Silvermoonlock, I have lived your life. Like clockwork, our little overachiever was falling apart each semester, and same as your D, over one particular class. Always sure of failing. Almost always got an A. H and I used to “take turns” when the calls came as it was very stressful for us on this end too. The winner of Worst Year Ever was the year of Organic Chemistry. We thought none of us would survive it. (She got an A, both semesters).</p>
<p>We have tried to get her to focus on the learning rather than the grades over the years. Didn’t really help. I will say that the meltdowns aren’t as severe now that she’s in graduate school as they were as an undergraduate, so perhaps simply maturing is part of it. She is who she is and probably will always overdramatize something in her life. But we’d do the same thing every time she called: tell her to take some deep breaths, get some exercise, and recognize that she will get through it, as she always has. Now that she’s had this pattern for awhile, she’s come to appreciate that it IS a pattern and seems to be coping better than before., recognizing that she does this to herself. </p>
<p>It’s like she reaches out for all the stresses she can grab and whips them around her in a frenzy until she explodes! When she calls with this problem now, I can remind her of how things all worked out during previous meltdowns and it seems to calm her a bit. She also has learned to automatically go for a run or extra hard workout as an additional way to manage her stress.</p>
<p>It IS better and the calls now are less frantic (and stressful) for H & I. But we still look forward to when she’s no longer a student! If it’s any consolation, know that you as a parent will learn to manage it better each time it happens, just as she’ll learn to do the same. Trust me, you WILL get through this :)</p>
<p>I made a similar call to my mom in response to a linguistics class my junior year. I couldn’t seem to break 65% on any of the work. I was spending hours on the problem sets, roped in a linguistics-major friend to tutor me on the underlying concepts, went to office hours to discuss the issues I was having … nothing worked. Still getting 55-65% on every problem set and quiz.</p>
<p>At the end of the semester, grades came. It turned out my grades were the highest in the class, so I got an A and a glowing set of compliments on my final project.</p>
<p>Should the professor have told me, when I went to office hours worried about my low marks, that linguistics wasn’t graded like my major classes in psychology (where 60% would be a D or F)? I did work harder than I might have if I’d known I was already getting an A. But on the other hand, I (and my mom) went through a lot of stress thinking about how the D would change my grad school plans.</p>
<p>I forgot to mention what she does to de-stress!
Play violin for 1/2 hour
Jump on the treadmill
Either or both, but the combination of an alternative focus, sensory input and physical exercise knocks the stress down pretty quickly.
Is it a girl thing?? I have NEVER gotten such a call from S!</p>
<p>Why is it that our daughters are so overly perfectionistic and not our sons? Has anyone’s male child ever called in the middle of his courses fretting and crying about a class, only to turn around and pull a top grade? I’ve noticed this pattern at our house and among our friends.<br>
For some reason our girls seem to equate their grades with their self-worth much more than our sons. I wish I understood it.</p>
<p>moonchild - guys have anxiety over grades too. </p>
<p>They most often deal with it differently, and don’t call home emoting to their parents. </p>
<p>Plus, for many guys, who cannot get stimulated to study with out deadlines or a sense of competition, anxiety is in a sense welcome because it stops procrastination</p>
<p>So I think the anxiety is there, it just manifests itself differently.</p>
<p>When I was younger first started working, I used to call my boss in a hysteria whenever I couldn’t do something. For some reason, he really liked me and thought I had a real potential, so he put up with a lot of my little meltdowns. He used to tell me that he was busy at the moment, but would get back to me as soon as he was finished with what he was doing. 99% of time, by the time he got back to me, I already figured it out and the crisis was over. It wasn’t until much later that he told me he did it on purpose. He knew I could figure most of things out myself, it was just matter of time. I worked for the guy for 15 years, followed him from one firm to another. I have used the same tactic with my kids and my staff, and it works. Sometimes it’s better not to response.</p>
<p>Silvermoonlock - I could have SWORN you were writing about my D (until I got to “600 miles away” - mine is 3000 miles away). REALLY. Same conversation. Same length of time (for the meltdown). Same time of semester. All of it. And like you and your H; I have never (EVER) even discussed grades (never) as i was someone who was raised to be asked one question, and one question only, “what did you get out of it?”. </p>
<p>At the start of my D’s being so far away I would be jumping through the phone when she’d make these grand statements. Scared doesn’t even begin to express what I felt. I lost a lot of sleep the first 2 years. </p>
<p>I’ll be checking to see what kinds of coping skills others have to offer,</p>
<p>Yes, I think that’s true, but I don’t see the needless worry in sons. There has never been a meltdown yet that produced a grade lower than an A-. My son wouldn’t begin to worry unless he felt he might not get a B+. He might be disappointed in a B+, but he wouldn’t fret about it.
I think it comes down to confidence. My son feels he’ll succeed in life, period. My daughter thinks (behaves as if, anyway) her grades are a reflection of whether or not she’ll succeed in life.</p>
<p>I also have one of these. She has always been this way. I remember back in elementary school the meltdowns over reports and tests. She always was sure she had failed and ended up with an A. This continued into college. In our case it got so severe that she made herself very sick. She had to leave school and work on her anxiety issues.
She has had lots of therapy. She understands the pressure she puts on herself is all her own. We never pushed her to do anything but her best. And believe me my other kids could care less about grades. They are happy with B’s. In my oldest D’s mind a B+ was the same thing as an F. Now back in school for almost 2 yrs she is doing it differently this time. She is enjoying learning again. She still gets stressed over all the work she needs to get done. The difference now is she can voice her feelings without getting upset at those around her. No more walking on eggshells. When she calls in a panic I can talk with her rationally and she calms herself down. She knows now that as much as the project ahead looks daunting she always gets it done. Also a mantra she has for herself is that she did all that she could. She goes to every lecture, does every homework assignment,does all her reading and studies. So whatever grade she gets she can at least know she did all that she could.</p>
<p>Part of the problem (for the mother) is that everything seems much worse when D is on the phone with you. She’s probably holding it all in, then when she’s on the phone with you everything comes pouring out. Maybe you could see yourself as the safety mechanism, the venting that prevents more imploding? I know this doesn’t help Mom really. I also have a sophomore D and I’m finding this a hard time generally, she’s trying to separate from Mommy but resents it if I’m not always and immediately available when she wants to talk. There are times I’ve let her call go to voice mail. I feel like a terrible mother, but sometimes she has figured it out by the time I call her back. I’m trying to break her reflexive action of always calling me immediately whenever there’s any kind of problem.</p>
<p>During undergrad my daughter was a humanities person who wanted to go to medical school. She was surrounded by very high achievers. Initially it was demoralizing. It was a while before she realized that comparing herself to the science major pre-meds was not a helpful thing. Needless to say my husband and I received a few phone calls. Like you, I am a problem solver and after beating my head against the wall during some conversations I realized that I needed to shut down my “mommy” reactiveness when I spoke with her on the phone. I occasionally succeeded. </p>
<p>When my daughter was in stressed-out mode there was no way that she was going to hear what I had to say so I started writing a brief email after the phone call…sort of a “This crossed my mind after we hung up - perhaps it is worth thinking about” note. That allowed me to be a mom and convey my “wisdom” and it allowed her to ignore it at will. It did turn out to be a reasonably effective form of communication for us.</p>
<p>I do think that time will help. By the end of sophomore year the D had matured and while GPA still mattered because she knew what medical schools wanted, she no longer let a less than perfect result rock her world. She also seemed more able to embrace the notion that she had a great deal to offer with HER skill set. </p>
<p>These kids lead pretty demanding lives…and always will. That is something to talk about when your daughter is home or during a more relaxed phone conversation. Every high energy person needs a mental breather. She just has to figure out what works for her. My daughter exercises almost every day because it really helps to clear her head. As an undergrad she took up the piano again and considered it a fun break from the grind. Socially she was not part of the pre-med community realizing early on that many of them were so stressed that they would cause her to feel anxious as well. </p>
<p>You are quite right in working with your D to develop coping mechanisms. Some student health centers offer stress management clinics - I don’t know how many students take advantage of them but I took one a few years ago and while I don’t follow the program as initially presented, one or two of the breathing techniques really do work in a pinch.</p>
<p>If it helps at all, sophomore year seemed to be the hardest for my D. Not that anyone in my family has ever been mellow but as she approached 21 y.o. she handled things more readily when they went wrong and became more comfortable in her own (academic) skin.</p>
<p>Wow. It’s nice to know I am not alone. Hugs to you all.</p>
<p>After the crises freshman year, we tried to anticipate it this year. We were on target, but it still hurts. I have suggested that she step back and take a break. During these events(?) she will be singularly focused. I tell her to take a walk, go to a movie, this is NOT the time retreat from the world and friends. Clear your mind and maybe you’ll see the issue from a different perspective.</p>
<p>I think there are times when she can nip the anxiety attack in the bud, but then there is that 1 time where it overwhelms her and she gives in. I wish we could determine what triggers the meltdowns. </p>
<p>Thank you all for sharing. I’ll try some of the suggestions. :)</p>
<p>I think that moonchild’s comment (#13) about her son being less likely to “fret” rings true for most men. I believe that women fret more than men do. Pondering and worrying and then pondering something even more can be a negative. I envy my husband’s ability to let a problem go and move on when he has done the best that he can with it.</p>
<p>Silvermoonlock-- do you find that the one time when she can’t nip it in the bud might be related to her cycle? I know it might sound crass…but there’s a def. correlation in our D, though you can’t tell her that at the time…Good luck to you, though. those 7-10 days are just exhausting.</p>
It did turn out to be a reasonably effective form of communication for us.</p>